Seeking the Future

by Brenda Kennedy

  Chase says, “You’re free to come over as often as you want.”

  “Thank you, Chase. I’ll try to remember to call first.”

  “Claire, you never need to be invited or announce your arrival. Our door will also be open for you or anyone else who wants to come over.”

  Mom looks at him with relief. “Thank you, Chase.”

  After dinner, we go to the casino and gamble. The girls play slots, while Drew and Dad play the tables. Chase and I walk around, taking in the view. Even in the casino it’s breathtakingly beautiful. I’ve never seen such elegant décor in my entire life.

  I hold his hand and lean into him. “I’m having a great time; thank you for planning such an amazing trip.”

  He lowers his head and kisses me. “You’re not disappointed about not planning your own wedding or having a say in anything?”

  “I had a say in the most important part.”

  He looks confused. “What was that?”

  “I said, yes.”

  After dinner I ask Drew if I can talk to him in private. Everyone remains at the table as we walk out into the foyer.

  “What’s up?” he asks.

  “I feel like I owe you an explanation.”

  He looks confused.

  “About what?”

  “Xander.”

  He swallows at the sound of his brother’s name. “I’m listening.”

  “I liked Xander a lot. I may have even loved him.” I choose my words carefully. “I know this wedding seems fast, but the truth is, I didn’t know how I felt about Chase until my memory returned. But that doesn’t mean my feelings toward your brother weren’t real, because they were.”

  “Ava.” He takes a step forward. “I know that you cared for Xander; I never doubted that. He would want this for you. I know that he would want you to be happy.”

  “Thank you.”

  Over the next month, we’re busy trying to find Chase a building he can use as an office for his law firm. We’re also trying to get Mom and Dad moved into their new house, and making our separate lives work as one. The small living quarters that Skylar and I shared, we are now sharing with Drew and Chase. Although I wouldn’t have it any other way, it’s proven to be more difficult than I thought. I guess Skylar and I didn’t think it through when we decided to buy the inn. The inn definitely takes both of us to run, which means we both need to be in close proximity to it.

  Chase says while opening his beer, “I think I might have a solution to the crowded living quarters.”

  Drew pretends to squeeze through the kitchen as he opens the refrigerator to get himself a beer. “Crowded? I don’t know what you mean.”

  “It’s not terribly uncomfortable here, but it does tend to be a little cramped at times.” Skylar takes a seat at the bar stool and sips her glass of rosé wine. “It could be worse. Makes you appreciate that we all get along.” She giggles.

  “That’s for sure,” I say, laughing at Skylar. “What’s your idea, Chase?”

  “We have the carriage house out back that’s just taking up space.”

  “You want to tear it down?” I ask, trying to hide my disappointment. I like that old building. Not many homes have a carriage house anymore. Obviously, this is a rare find in any state across the United States, considering that carriage houses started out as buildings that were used for horse-drawn carriages before being converted into a dwelling.

  “I’d like to restore it and turn it into a livable space for Ava and me.” He tries to judge my reaction before continuing. “We could keep the outside as close to its original state as possible, but change the inside to make it a two-bedroom house. The living quarters at the inn will be yours and Drew’s.”

  “Can you do that?” Skylar asks.

  Drew says, “People do things like that all the time.”

  “I personally can’t. But we can hire someone who can. Like Drew said, people restore old barns and houses all the time.”

  “You already have the structure, utilities, and plumbing onsite.” Drew talks directly to Chase.

  I look at Drew, Chase, and then Skylar. “That isn’t cheap. We don’t have the extra money to do that.”

  “We still have the wedding gift from my parents. We could use that.”

  Skylar says sadly, almost as if she’s embarrassed, “I don’t have that kind of money, Chase. I’m sorry. There’s no way I’ll be able to help pay for that.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to pay for it, Skylar. But I do think it’s a necessity for us. What if we get an estimate to see if this is even a possibility for us?”

  “I think it’s a great idea. It’ll add value to the property,” I say.

  “I’m pretty good with this kind of stuff. I’d be glad to help in anyway I can.”

  Chase nods. “Thanks, Drew. I appreciate that.”

  Chase

  This should be the last trip we make to Lake City. We found a building to lease for the law firm, and I’ve moved the last of my things out of the condo.

  “As soon as some people from the women’s shelter come to pick up the items from the storage unit, we’ll be ready to go.”

  Ava holds my hand and I add, “We’ll take this truckload back to Savannah and our ties to Lake City will be done.”

  “I’m ready to move on to the next chapter. It’ll be nice to not have to make the trip here anymore.”

  “Now, we can focus on the renovations on the carriage house.” I hold Ava’s hand and notice her relaxed features.

  “This will be exciting.”

  Once the storage unit is emptied, the woman says, “Ava, everyone at the shelter will certainly make good use of your donations.”

  “Good, I’m just glad they’ll get used. It seemed a waste just having them in storage.”

  “We sure do appreciate your generosity. Thank you, again.”

  “You’re welcome.” We stand and wave as she and her driver pull out of the storage area and onto the main road. “That’s the last of it.”

  I know Ava is talking about her life with Connor. I’m glad to see the last of her life she shared with him is gone. “You ready, princess?” I never had a pet name for Ava before. Since our wedding and the things surrounding it were done in a princess-style theme, I decided that was a perfect name for her.

  She loops her arm in mine and says, “Let’s go home.”

  When we arrive home, Skylar is on the couch, crying. My eyes scan the house for Drew, but I don’t see him.

  “What’s the matter?” Ava asks softly.

  I don’t want to jump to conclusions, so I wait impatiently for her to respond.

  “We had a fight,” she cries.

  “I’m sure it was nothing.”

  “He left. He just walked out, not saying a word.”

  I wait. I need Ava to ask her the magic question.

  “Did he hit you?” Ava asks as she places a caring hand on Skylar’s shoulder.

  Bingo. That’s the question I was waiting for.

  “No, but he was so mad.”

  I motion to Ava that I’ll be in the bedroom. She nods.

  Fights happen all the time. I’m sure it’s nothing and he’ll return later this evening. While Ava is talking to Skylar, I store the chirping bird CD in the drawer and put the CD player in the closet. Thankfully, Ava’s dreams have stopped. I decide to keep the battery-operated candles and the tableside waterfall out. It’s soothing and Ava seems to enjoy them.

  When they talk longer than I expect it would take, I tell Ava I’m heading over to do some work at the office. She nods as she consoles Skylar.

  “Should I pick up dinner?” I ask.

  Skylar lifts her head and says, “Pizza. Would you mind getting a pizza for dinner?”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  I turn to leave and she says, “And some pretzels and some of those ice cream sandwiches.”

  I line my brows. “Sure, anything else?”

  “Some of those cream horns would be nice. You have
to get those in the bakery.”

  Ava interrupts, “We’ll text you a list.”

  Good, because there’s no way I’ll be able to remember all that. “Okay, good idea.”

  Just before I close the door behind me Skylar says, “Whatever you do, don’t get cashews, Captain’s Wafers, or string cheese. Those were Drew’s favorites.” She cries harder than she was before.

  I decide to just leave. The pain she’s feeling even hurts my heart. Maybe I should call Drew. He needs to know how much she’s hurting. Hell, I’m sure he’s hurting, too.

  Once I’m at the office I file some charts, rearrange the desks, and hang some photos. The phone lines are already connected and ready to go. Barton will be here to help with the opening on Monday along with two other attorneys who decided to transfer out of Lake City.

  The bells chime over the door and in walks Drew. He looks like hell… in fact, he might even look worse than Skylar did when I left her. I didn’t call him, but I sure am glad he’s here.

  “Hey,” I greet him.

  “Hey. This place is really coming together,” he says, looking into each of the rooms.

  “I’m pretty happy about that. What’s going on?” My phone chirps, alerting me about a text message. I quickly look at it and it’s a three-page grocery list of junk food. I will buy everything or almost everything on the list, but I am tempted to also buy one fresh spinach leaf so they at least have something healthy to look at as they gorge themselves on junk food. Ava ends the text with an SOS. I chuckle before responding.

  Chase: I’ll hurry.

  “Just trying to clear my head,” he says. “How’s Skylar?” he asks.

  “She’s upset. I left so she and Ava could talk. Is everything okay with the two of you?”

  His hair is disheveled, and his five o’clock shadow is older than five o’clock.

  “Dude, I don’t even know what happened.”

  I sit down at my desk and motion with my hand for him to sit.

  “It happened so fast. It seems like one minute I was making love to her, and the next we were talking about children.”

  Not seeing what the problem is, I remain silent.

  “She wants kids,” he finally says as he runs his hands through his dark hair.

  Most women do. “You don’t?”

  “God, no. I just lost my brother to cancer. If that were my child, I don’t think I’d be able to survive that. Honestly, I have no idea how my parents are making it. I call home and Mom’s always crying, Dad’s depressed to hell, and I’m here with Skylar trying to pretend all is right in my world.”

  He hasn’t had time to mourn. “Have you talked to her?”

  “I just need some time. I need some time to figure this shit out.” He stretches his legs out and runs his hands over his face. “One minute I’m single and living the life, and the next I’m head-over-heels in love with a girl I just met. I can’t think of anything else. She consumes my every waking thought.”

  He’s definitely love struck. “What are you going to do?”

  “I have to do it. I don’t have a choice.” Please don’t break her heart. Please don’t break her heart. “I have to return home. I need to think and I can’t do it with her there.” He stands and walks to the door. “Tell her… tell her I love her.” And with those last words, he’s out the door.

  I lean back in the chair and release a long breath. I hate this for Skylar. I text Ava.

  Chase: He’s gone. How much ice cream should I get?

  Ava: Sending new grocery list.

  Chase: Be home soon.

  The night was long, and so are the next few weeks. Drew left without a final goodbye to Skylar. She’s heartbroken and devastated. Every day is a struggle. I do what I can, but I’m glad to have a day job to go to. Her sadness is heartbreaking for everyone who knows her.

  When I come home from work tonight, I see smoke when I pull into the driveway. My first thought is something is seriously wrong until I see Ava standing on the front porch.

  “What’s up with the smoke?”

  “Follow me.”

  I walk around the house, following closely behind Ava. I see Skylar feeding the fire what looks like clothing. “That’ll teach that dickhead to hurt me.”

  “Are those Drew’s things?” I whisper.

  “Yeah, she’s already burnt everything of hers that reminded her of him.”

  This is bad. “Is there anything left?”

  “Her bedroom set. She has that up for sale on Craigslist. Someone’s coming to look at it in a bit.” I thought this morning when I left, that she was getting better. She looks thin — which is a miracle, considering how much junk food I’ve been buying — and she has dark circles under her eyes. “She still cries over him. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I’ll talk to her.”

  “I’ll wait in the house with the fire extinguisher.”

  Skylar

  I see Chase walking toward me, and I try to act normal, although inside I feel like I’m losing it. “You okay?” he asks, sitting in the chair beside me.

  No. “I’m fine. Just burning some memories. Thought it was time I got rid of the rest of Drew’s things that he left behind.”

  “I’m a little worried about you.”

  “I know.” I’m worried about myself. I hold back the sobs. “I’ve never been in love before, and it sucks.”

  “It can.” He shifts in his seat. “You need to snap out of this. If you need some medication to help you through it, we can find you a doctor.”

  “How long has it been since he left? A year or two?” I ask.

  “Two months.”

  Is that all? It feels like my heart’s been shattered for a lifetime. “Tomorrow. I’ll feel better tomorrow. Two months is a long time to be hurt.”

  “It is. It’s too long to be sad.”

  “I’ll burn the rest of these, then I’ll shower. I’ll allow myself one more night to be sad, then tomorrow I’ll feel better.” I have no idea how I’ll pull that off. If he’s worried about me, Ava must be, too.

  “Go ahead and shower now, and how about we donate these to the Salvation Army?” The USA is a rich country, but no one ought to destroy something of good quality that another person can use.

  I look around the yard at the mess I’ve made. I’m totally losing it. “That’s a good idea. Thank you, Chase.”

  “Anytime. Go shower and then we’ll eat.”

  I shower and wear a pair of Ava’s pajamas. I’ve burnt almost everything I own. I sold my bedroom set and realize I have no place to sleep tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch since all of the guest rooms are full. Just as I said I would do, I’ll allow myself one more night to grieve over Drew. One minute I love him, and the next, I hate him. I’m heartbroken, and it’s truly the worst feeling ever. I cry as I search my phone and read over texts, and browse the photo gallery. I should delete them, but I can’t. It’s all I have left to remember our time together. I’ve burnt, destroyed, or given away everything that reminded me of him. I promised Chase that tomorrow I’d be better. How am I going to pull that off?

  With little sleep, I shower at the butt crack of dawn. Before Drew, I would have said the crack of dawn. But I’m so mad and so sad that the negativity shines through. I’m exhausted, and I’m tired of being sad. Thank God I didn’t throw my makeup away. It doesn’t remind me of Drew. Probably because I never wore any when he was here. We were always in bed, going to bed, or getting out of bed. God, I miss him. I miss the great sex we had. I miss his laugh and his smile. He’s in my past and I’m moving on without him, whether I want to or not. I promised Chase yesterday that today will be different and I meant it. I shove my phone in the back of my closet and put it on my list to get another one sometime today. I wear a dress, since it’s the only thing I have that doesn’t remind me of dickhead. I also vow to never speak his name again. He doesn’t deserve to have his name run across my lips. Dickhead. I smile. It my first smile in what feels like five years. T
hat name suits him perfectly. I say it again to myself. Dickhead, yes, I think I like that name for my ex.

  As always, Chase is up with Ava, helping with the breakfast. He’s dressed in a suit and tie and she’s dressed in jeans and a white blouse.

  “Good morning,” I say, sounding more chipper than I feel.

  “Good morning,” Chase says, looking a little longer at me than necessary.

  He’s trying to gauge my mood. I smile for good measure. He doesn’t verbally acknowledge my mood, but I know he notices it. Good. This is all for them. They don’t deserve to see me upset. They’re newlyweds and this is still their honeymoon.

  “You have court today?” I ask, pouring myself some coffee.

  “I do. Not until 10:00 so I can hang out here for awhile this morning.”

  “I broke my phone last night,” I lie. “Would you mind helping me shop for another one?”

  “Do you want me to look at it and see if I can fix it?” he asks.

  No, because it’s not broken. “The screen busted so I just threw it out. Thanks, anyway.” I lift the mug to my lips and blow.

  “You have an iPhone, right?”

  “I do. I was thinking of maybe trying a Droid or a Galaxy this time.”

  “Sure, we can shop for one this morning.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

  When Chase walks out of the room, Ava smiles at me. “You look nice.”

  “Thanks, it’s all I had left in my closet.”

  “We’ll shop online for clothes today if you want.”

  “Sounds good.”

  I make the turkey bacon and biscuits, while Ava gets the buffet ready. I feel better today than I have. Even faking happiness feels better than wallowing in self-pity. Of course, the nights are the hardest.

  I keep myself busy with online shopping and working the tea. I told Ava she could leave and have lunch away with her parents. She’s graciously carried my weight the last ten years — that length of time may be a slight exaggeration — while I mourned over my relationship with dickhead. I smile at the customers and it feels good. I forgot how much I like being an innkeeper. Can you fake happiness? If you can, it’s short lived because every time I think about my real life, I instantly have a heavy heart.