Seeking the Future

by Brenda Kennedy

  “Babies are like this big.” Skylar holds her hands apart about twelve inches. “I have no idea what you’re afraid of.”

  “Skylar, you’re my friend, you’re supposed to sympathize with me.”

  “Chase, you’ll be fine, really.”

  I have a bigger fear that I can’t mention. The fear that I won’t be able to protect them and keep them safe. We’re still two months away from the delivery date, but we’ve already been warned that the babies could come early.

  I didn’t protect Ava from Connor or from Brett. Did I ever mention how grateful I am for Brett’s death? I am. Ava is much happier now that she knows he can’t hurt her.

  I breathe slowly to keep from hyperventilating. “One day they’re going to want to date. Then what? How do I handle that?”

  Skylar says, “Chase, you better worry about the sleepless nights and the number of diapers you’ll need before you worry about dating. Baby steps, remember.”

  Skylar smiles as Drew walks across the room. “What are you guys talking about?” he asks.

  “The twins’ dating years.”

  He says, “You have to survive the terrible twos first.”

  He’s no help. I exhale loudly.

  “And what do you know about the terrible twos?” Skylar looks surprised.

  “I’ve been reading up on this stuff. I’m gonna be an uncle. I also need to know some of these things for when I’m a dad.”

  I sadly admit, “Look, just between us. I don’t think I can do this.”

  Ava walks in the room. “Can’t do what?” She waddles from the hallway to the couch and sits down. There is no way I can tell her this is freaking me out. She’s still scared her vagina won’t go back to its normal size. I think to myself how ridiculous that is. If I tell her I’m freaking out, she’ll freak out, too. When no one answers her, she asks, “What are you talking about?”

  “Skylar wants us to name one of the girls ChAva,” I lie. It’s the only thing I could think of.

  Skylar scowls at me. I know she won’t tell Ava about my fears. “Yeah, that’s right, and I almost had him talked into it, too.”

  “Sure you did. You’re not on that kick again, are you?”

  “I happen to like that name.”

  Drew asks, “Do you have names picked out?”

  “No, do we need them?” Ava teases. “On top of everything else we’re doing for their arrival, now we have to name them, too?”

  “Yes, but it’s not as easy as it seems. You have to be careful about their first, middle, and last names spelling something.”

  Skylar seems very knowledgeable.

  “Like what? I don’t get it.”

  “Your last name’s Murphy, so whatever you name your child the initials shouldn’t spell words like DAM or other words people will laugh at. Kids and adults can be cruel.”

  “Great, something else for us to remember. But if we ever have one daughter instead of twins, maybe we can name her Pamela Abigail Murphy so her initials spell PAM. You writing that down, Chase?”

  “I’m on it, princess.”

  Later that night Ava can’t sleep. She’s sitting up at the desk with a pen and paper writing.

  “Can’t sleep?”

  She looks over at me in her white eyelet nightgown. Her dark hair is pulled into a high ponytail. “I didn’t mean to wake you. Is the desk light too bright?”

  “No, princess. The light isn’t bothering me. Are you having pain?”

  “No.” She tucks the paper and pen in the top desk drawer before returning to bed. “I’m just feeling anxious, that’s all.”

  “It won’t be long now.”

  “Are you ready for this?” she asks nervously.

  “I am. I’m getting excited.” Hell, no, I’m not ready for this. I’m scared shitless. I have no idea what I’m doing. Nothing in law school prepared me for the birth of my children, let alone twin daughters. My only saving grace is that because they’re each in their own amniotic sac, there’s a ninety percent chance they aren’t identical. I know I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. I’d have to put a stamp on their forehead to know who is who.

  Ava looks worried. “I’m worried about how we’ll run the inn when the babies come.”

  “I’m worried about that, too. I guess we’ll figure it out when the time comes.”

  “We’ll need a small nursery and a baby monitor at the living quarters for the babies.”

  “Skylar mentioned that to me the other day. I guess we’ll need four baby beds.” I can feel the anxiety, but I try not to show it.

  “Well, because they’re twins and they already share a small space, I’d like to keep them together in the same bed for awhile. I don’t like the thought of separating them.”

  “That sounds like a plan. I’d like to keep them together for as long as possible, too. I saw a video the other day about twins comforting each other in the womb. I’m not sure if it’s true, but I like the thought of them being close.”

  She scoots closer and lies in the crook of my arm. “Good. I like that we’re on the same page.”

  I kiss her forehead and inhale her vanilla and cranberry scent. “I was thinking about what Skylar said about naming our daughters with initials that spell inappropriate things. Have you thought about any names for the girls yet?”

  “Since I’m carrying them, I thought the least you could do is name them.” She smiles and it lights up her face.

  “You think that’s fair? I could traumatize them for life if I don’t get the name right.”

  “Then I can tell them it’s their Dad’s fault why they get picked on.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate the confidence.”

  “No problem.”

  The next morning while I shower for work, Ava and Skylar prepare breakfast for the guests at the inn. Before joining them, I get in the desk drawer so I can leave a quick note to tell Ava how much I love her. I pull out the notebook and I can see what she was writing in the middle of the night. It’s the beginning of a letter to one of our daughters. The name is blank, but she tells her how much she loves her already and how she’ll love and protect her with everything that’s inside her. And damn if it doesn’t bring tears to my eyes. No matter how much time passes and no matter how much she tries to forget Connor and those two years he tortured her, she’ll never be able to be free of him. She told me the other day, that if she had her memory back prior to buying the inn, she never would have bought it. She trusts very few people. I’m learning that it’ll always be a part of what makes Ava who she is. I just vow to protect her every day of the rest of her life. I would kill anyone who would ever hurt her, and I would go to prison a happy man knowing they couldn’t hurt her ever again.

  I put the notebook back in the drawer and get another tablet. I decide our babies need a name. I write two names down on a piece of paper and leave it on top on the desk. I also write an explanation in case she questions my name choices.

  Ava

  After the tea I return to the carriage house to rest. Skylar, Chase, and Drew are very protective of me and this pregnancy. Instead of resting, I get out my notebook to finish my letter to our firstborn daughter. After I write this one, I’ll write a letter to our second daughter.

  Before I open the desk drawer, I see a note from Chase.

  Ava,

  Not sure if I like the idea of naming our children, but here goes nothing. Before you shoot down the names, let me explain the reasoning behind them.

  I love the thought of you being a twin. I just hadn’t planned on us having twins. I think it would be amazing to name our first-born daughter after your sister. I think it would be a great way to honor her memory. I also think her middle name should be something from the inn, after a flower perhaps.

  Eva Lily is the name of our first-born daughter. Her initials will be ELM. Doesn’t spell anything bad so I think we’re good with that.

  Our second daughter’s name was a bit more difficult. I know what Xander meant to you.
He was a friend and someone you trusted. I will always be grateful to him for being there for you when I wasn’t. I can’t consciously name our daughter after your old boyfriend, but I can name her after your favorite author. It’ll also be a great way to honor his legacy. He was brilliant and a great friend to all of us.

  So, if it’s all right with Drew and his parents, I’d like to name our second daughter Jami Rose. Her initials will be JRM. Again, it doesn’t spell anything so it’s a win.

  If I could, I would name them both after you as my way of paying tribute to the strongest, most amazing woman in the world.

  Ava, I will always love you.

  I love the names he’s chosen for our children. I can’t wait to call Daniel and Rachael and ask them if we can name our daughter after Xander’s pen name. Once the tears stop, I stand to call Chase. He’s standing in the doorway watching me. Without saying a word, I rush to him and kiss him passionately. I love him. He and our daughters are the only things that matter to me in this moment. I secretly vow to protect them and keep them safe, no matter what.

  Chase and I lie in bed talking about the babies and what life will be like once they arrive. Lying here talking to him and knowing how much we love them already, I’m not nearly as fearful as I once was. My vagina being stretched out to the size of Texas is still a big concern for me. I talked to the obstetrician about a C-section and he said they don’t do those for the concerns that I have. I tried to go to another doctor, but Chase said that he is the best doctor around. I bet the mothers with large vaginas wouldn’t agree. Is it wrong for me to pray for a C-section?

  I dose off and when I wake up, Chase is still in bed with me. He isn’t sleeping, but he’s watching me sleep. “You’re so beautiful when you sleep.”

  “Only when I sleep?”

  “No, you’re beautiful always.”

  “If you help me up to pee, I’ll forgive you.”

  He climbs out of bed and helps me into a sitting position. I feel warm fluid and I’m embarrassed to get up. Skylar always joked about me needing Depends, now I wish I was wearing them.

  “What’s wrong?” Chase asks.

  How do I tell him I don’t have to pee anymore? Ugh, he’ll want a divorce. He won’t want to be married to a woman who pees herself in their bed.

  He looks down at me. “Did your water break?”

  Wait? What? Water? Thank God, that’s it. I thought I just earned the nickname Ava Pee Her Pants. Wait. My water just broke? I’m in labor. Pain. Ouch. That hurts. I grimace.

  He says, “I’ll call Skylar.”

  “No, call Mom. I want Mom.” Another pain. Ouch. “Call Skylar. I want Skylar, too.”

  “Okay, let me get my phone.”

  Now I gotta pee again. “Wait. Help me to the bathroom, I gotta pee.”

  He helps me to the restroom before he calls Skylar and my mom. When I wipe blood, I become concerned. I’m trying to be strong, but I’m scared. I don’t want Chase to see me vulnerable. He’s only ever seen me brave and in control. Pain. Ouch. This shit hurts. Screw it. I can’t hide it. I need something. I want a pain-killing drug. This breathing technique isn’t working. “CHASE!” I yell. I know he’s in the next room, I can hear him on the phone.

  He walks into the bathroom. “C’mon, princess. Your mom and dad are meeting us at the hospital. Skylar’s getting the car.”

  He helps me off the toilet and puts a large pad between my legs to catch the amniotic fluid that’s still trickling out. The contractions are quick and painful. I have to stop several times before making it outside to the car. Skylar’s waiting with the back door to the car open. I get in and she gets in on the other side.

  “I thought I would sit with Ava while you drive,” Chase says.

  “Okay, if you want to deliver the babies if we don’t make it to the hospital in time, I’ll gladly drive.”

  “On second thought, I’ll drive.”

  The car ride there is brutal. The bumps in the road exacerbate the pain. My back hurts, my stomach hurts, and I gotta pee. I am so thankful for the pad between my legs.

  “We’re almost there, Ava.”

  I try the relaxation breaths and they don’t work. An episode of the Friends television show plays over and over in my head. Rachael watched the video of the live birth and said it was like shoving a pot roast through your nostril.

  “I can’t do this. I wanna go home.” Skylar laughs, which pisses me off. “And stop laughing. When it’s your turn, so help me I’ll make you pay.” She looks frightened. She should because I mean every word of it. “I can’t do this,” I say more calmly. Tears flow and I can see Chase watching me from the rearview mirror.

  “We’re here.” He pulls up at the ER entrance where Mom and Dad are waiting for us with a wheelchair. “I gotta park the car.”

  “No. Don’t leave me. Have someone else park the car.”

  “Take her in, I got the car,” Skylar says.

  “Did you call the doctor to let them know you’re coming?” Mom asks.

  “No, there wasn’t time,” I lie. I didn’t even think about calling the doctor and I know Chase wasn’t thinking clearly either.

  “Where’s your bag?” Mom asks.

  “I don’t have one. I didn’t have time to pack it.” The babies are a few weeks early. I thought I had plenty of time to prepare for this day. I grimace through another pain. Mom and Dad check me in as they take us to labor and delivery. I guess the faces I was making during the contractions alerted them I was in active labor.

  “How far apart are your contractions?” the nurse asks as we walk into a room on the unit.

  “It’s just one big long contraction,” I say truthfully.

  She starts to laugh until she sees the look on my face. “Let’s get you in bed so we can get you examined.” Usually, I hate being examined, but right now, I could care less who’s down there or what they’re doing. Before she hooks me up to the machines, she examines me. Chase tells her I’m expecting twins and I’m five weeks early. This is also another concern for me. I’m more concerned about the babies being born prematurely than I am about having a vagina the size of California.

  “You’re already dilated five. Let’s get you hooked up to the machines and I’ll call down and get the epidural scheduled.”

  Between contractions, I say, “And call the O.R. I need a C-section, too.”

  Chase

  After the epidural, Ava sleeps through the contractions and I pray. I pray for a safe delivery, I pray for healthy babies, and I pray my wife will be okay. I know things can go wrong during childbirth and I pray they don’t. I’m nothing without Ava.

  “Okay, Ava. With your next contraction, I want you to push,” the doctor says.

  I’m going to be a dad in just a few moments. The delivery room is full of staff from the neonatal department. Because we’re having pre-term twins, they are more than usually prepared if something goes wrong. I should be grateful they are prepared for the worst, but it scares the hell out of me.

  “Okay, Ava. On the count of three, tuck your chin to your chest and push.”

  I help Ava as much as I can. This is a monumental moment in our lives. The woman I love is having my children. Our children. I’m proud and scared at the same time. I stand behind the head of the bed and watch the doctor. I can see the top of a tiny, dark-haired baby. My heart beats faster. I’m going to meet my daughters in a few minutes.

  “Dad, do you want to help pull the first baby out?”

  I look at Ava and she shakes her head. “Yeah. How?” I can barely form the words.

  “Come down here with me.”

  I kiss Ava before leaving her side. “I love you, Momma,” I whisper.

  “I love you too, Daddy.”

  The bright lights, a room full of people, I see none of it. The only thing I see is a tiny baby being pulled from my wife’s body. Still connected by an umbilical cord, the baby cries.

  “It’s a girl,” the doctor says.

  With the
help of the doctor, I place her on Ava’s belly. I can barely see through my tears. I cut the cord and the baby is quickly taken to get assessed by the neonatal team. The first neonatal team get busy assessing my crying daughter. I look to the other side of the room at the second neonatal team. They are waiting for my second daughter. I want to watch the first baby, but our second daughter is ready to make her appearance.

  “Are you ready to push, Ava?”

  Her eyes are closed as she nods.

  “Dad, are you ready?”

  I look around the room for a dad. Oh, they’re talking to me. “I am.” I look at Ava and look back at my crying daughter. I have this need to be with Ava and to be with my daughter. I need to know she’s okay, but I need to be here with Ava. I’m torn between knowing what to do.

  “She doing well, Dad. She’s got a healthy set of lungs.”

  Thank God. This is a huge concern with having pre-term babies.

  “Push, Ava.”

  I watch as she tucks her chin to her chest. A nurse is at the head of the bed assisting Ava. I watch as another dark-haired baby makes her entrance into the world. Just like her sister, she’s born crying.

  “It’s another girl.”

  I want to look at the baby and see if she looks like her sister. I pray they look like Ava. I can’t see. My visions blurred. I hear a cry escape through Ava’s mouth. I proudly cut the umbilical cord on my second daughter before the second team takes the baby away. I’m torn between Ava and our daughters. I’m not sure how to divide my time with them. I decide to go to Ava. The babies are in good hands. I can hear them both crying.

  “Babies are looking good,” someone says.

  I’m so grateful for the updates. I kiss and hug Ava. “You did good. I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too. Will you go and check on them?”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  “Have them put the babies together. They don’t like being separated.”

  I want to laugh, but I don’t. I don’t think they’re crying because of being separated, I think they’re crying because childbirth is traumatic. At least from where I was standing, it looked traumatic. “I will,” I say. I’ll do anything and everything Ava asks of me.