Myth-ion Improbable

by Robert Asprin

  "The tent we went into was a Shifter's tent. The person we had talked to was a Shifter. The Shifter moved us here, and my guess is this wonderful place is the Vortex #1 dimension."

  I had to admit that he had answered my questions, but not very well.

  "So why were you so reluctant to go see a Shifter for help?"

  Tanda laughed at that as she too sat down on the floor.

  "It wasn't just Aahz. I didn't want to either, but we had no choice, if we really were going to follow the map."

  "Why?"

  "Because," Aahz said, "Shifters have made it their business to know where dimensions are. Remember I told you that when jumping to a dimension you need to have a clear image of that dimension in mind, as well as a solid place in the dimension?"

  I nodded. Every time I asked Aahz to start teaching me how to dimension-hop he brought that problem up.

  "I might be able to jump to a few hundred," Aahz said, "if I had my powers back and I was close enough to them. Maybe between Tanda and me we could find three or four hundred. With a really expensive D-hopper we might find another few hundred on top of that. But there are thousands and thousands of dimensions. Maybe even millions, for all I know. The Shifters are the travel agents of dimensions."

  "What's a travel agent?"

  I looked at Tanda, then at Aahz. Both were just shaking their heads.

  "Never mind," Aahz said, waving the question away with his hand. Every time he did that, I knew he considered the question too stupid for an answer.

  "So they charge for the information and the jump," I said, going on. "Sounds reasonable to me."

  "Well, it is and it isn't," Tanda said. "No one knows where the Shifters come from. They are masters of disguise, and if you try to double-cross them you will disappear, never to be seen again."

  "More than likely off to some deadly dimension," Aahz said, shaking his head.

  "So we make sure they get their five percent of the golden cow if we find it."

  That seemed logical enough to me.

  "I hope that's all it will take," Aahz said.

  Tanda just nodded.

  I didn't like that at all. Disappearing was not something I considered in my possible future. I had plans. Better, bigger plans. Yet now I was risking my life chasing a cow. Not smart at all as far as I was concerned. I tried to think about something else besides a future where someone made me vanish.

  "How do the Shifters keep changing like that one did?"

  "Disguise spells, maybe. I don't know." Tanda shrugged. "I've never seen one really stay the same for very long."

  I considered myself good at disguises, but I was a long way from being able to do what that Shifter had been doing. Which meant that if they were that good, it was possible that one of the shifters was with us right now, disguised as something around the room.

  The thought almost made me jump. I glanced around, trying to see anything odd about the old log cabin. There was nothing but a dirt-littered floor and old logs. Yet I now had a feeling we were being watched.

  "So let's see if we can figure out where we are and how to take the next step," Tanda said, scooting over beside Aahz.

  I walked once around the small room, then moved over to where Aahz had pulled out the map and spread it on the floor.

  "Would you look at that?" Tanda said, pointing.

  I saw instantly what she was talking about. The map had changed. I studied what was there now, comparing it to what had been there before. Now the lines from Vortex #1 were different, and the points at the end of each were labeled. And the upper corner of the map had Deva listed, with a direct line from Deva to Vortex #1.

  "Amazing," Aahz said, his voice just a whisper. "A true treasure map."

  "How did it do that?" I asked.

  Aahz laughed.

  "Just as everything is done," he said. "Magik."

  "It's a magik map, a true treasure map of the dimensions," Tanda said. "I've only heard of such things."

  She reached over and gave me a big hug, something I was more than willing to continue as long as she wanted it to. Finally, far too quickly, she let go and looked at me.

  "This was a great purchase on your part."

  I shrugged. "Not unless it leads somewhere."

  "True," Aahz said, not looking up from the map.

  I went back to studying the map as well. As far as I was concerned, it was just lines and points and a few names. I couldn't use it to find my way back to where we had appeared here on Vortex #1, let alone to jump dimensions.

  "So the map changes. What does that mean?"

  Tanda pointed at the point labeled Vortex #1.

  "Thanks to the Shifter, we're here. From this point we have five choices of dimension jumps."

  She pointed to the five names the lines lead to from this place. "The one called Bumppp looks the most promising."

  Aahz nodded. "And the straightest line through the map as well."

  "You know this Bumppp world?" I asked. "Or any of those places?"

  She slowly shook her head.

  "Aahz?" "

  "No, I don't."

  I looked at him, then at Tanda, remembering what Aahz had told me about dimension hopping. You had to know exactly where you were going, or you couldn't jump.

  "So we're stuck here?" I asked. "That's the end of the trip?"

  "No," Aahz said, reaching into his belt pouch and pulling out a D-Hopper.

  He quickly scrolled through the listing of dimensions on the Hopper, checking them with the names on the map. Finally, he sighed and put it back.

  And with that sigh I knew we were done. The five possible places we could jump to from this place were not on the D-Hopper either.

  "Damn," Tanda said. "I was afraid this might happen."

  She pushed herself to her feet and brushed off her pants.

  "I hate this," Aahz said, standing. He carefully folded the map and put it in his belt pouch.

  "What are we doing now?"

  Tanda motioned that I should come closer. Then she reached up, and before I could stop her, she sealed my lips again.

  "Sorry," she said. "Can't take the chance."

  I tried to object, but the only thing that came out was "Wggghhh."

  This was getting old. Too much more of this kind of treatment and my lips were going to be sore for a week. A moment later, without a warning from either Tanda or Aahz, we were back standing in front of the Shifter in the big tent.

  Chapter Three

  "There's no such thing as a free ride."

  M.T.A.

  "Ten percent for your solution," the Shifter said, its voice deep and strong as it studied Tanda and scratched what seemed to be part of its neck.

  I stared at it, not really looking at what it was at the moment, but more studying how it was changing constantly. It was as if there was always a part of it moving, morphing into the next character. The hair shifted, the skin changed, the arms lengthened, nothing really staying complete for more than a few seconds before starting to change into the next shape or color. Its voice, its chair, its eyes all changed as well. That really impressed me. When I did a disguise spell, I could do clothing and size and shape, but never the quality of the eyes. From this Shifter's eyes it looked as if it was actually fifty or a hundred different beings all melding together. For all I knew, it was. I wanted to ask it how it did what it did, but then remembered my lips were again sealed.

  "Ten percent!" Aahz said through his teeth, his voice barely under control.

  "On top of the first five percent, bringing the total to fifteen percent."

  I thought I could see a blood vessel in Aahz's neck trying to break out from under the green scales. Any moment Tanda was going to have to seal his mouth as well, from the looks of it. I wanted to tell the Shifter how greedy it was being, but luckily I couldn't.

  "No," Tanda said. "We will give you another five percent, and five percent more for each time we require your help in this journey, but not one bit above that." />
  The Shifter had become a tall creature with a very thin face and hundreds of tiny teeth crammed into a very ugly mouth. And at that moment the mouth smiled, or at least did something I thought was a smile.

  "Agreed," it said.

  Aahz looked like he might have a small fit right there, but somehow he managed to contain himself. I was impressed. It wasn't often that large percentages of a possible fortune were taken from him and he didn't destroy something. Aahz and money were not easily parted, and if we did find this golden cow, there was no doubt in my mind that Aahz would not want to part with much of the golden milk. But now he would have no choice, for at least ten percent of the find.

  And I had no doubt we were going to be back here a number more times before this little venture was over.

  "What is your destination now?" it asked.

  "Bumppp," Tanda said.

  For a moment the creature hesitated, and I thought I saw the morphing hesitate as well. Then it said, almost sadly, "Very well."

  A moment later we ended up in the middle of a wide meadow filled with thick plants and orange flowers. The sky overhead was a faint blue and pink. Dark-green trees surrounded the meadow, and in the distance there were pink mountains. I had been ready to use my disguise spell on us to protect us from any storm, but the air was warm and humid, just the way I liked it.

  Actually, all in all, this was one of the most beautiful dimensions I had visited. I wondered what kind of lucky people lived here.

  Tanda turned a full circle, her sharp eyes taking in things I knew I didn't see.

  "Ten percent?" Aahz said, his teeth still grinding.

  Tanda put her finger to her mouth for Aahz to be silent. I instantly started searching the tree-line for any sign of danger. There was nothing that I could see. No natives with weapons, no crouching tigers, no charging bears.

  Nothing.

  But clearly from Tanda's actions and the attitude and hesitation of the Shifter, this wasn't a friendly place. Beautiful, but not friendly.

  "The map," she whispered to Aahz. "Quickly."

  Then she motioned that we should all crouch down.

  The weeds and flowers covering the meadow were no more than knee-high and would give us no cover at all. They smelled like my dragon when he got wet.

  I figured we should move to the edge of the trees. At least there we might have a fighting chance if something came at us. But Tanda was the ex-assassin among us. She knew what she was doing. Or at least I hoped she did.

  Aahz opened the map and laid it out carefully on top of the weeds. It was clear instantly that the map had again changed. Bumppp, the dimension we were in, showed clearly, with only one path leading from this world toward the dream of our very own golden cow. And that path led to Vortex #4.

  Not #2, as I would have expected, or even #3, but #4.

  Tanda nodded and motioned for Aahz to quickly fold up the parchment and put it away. Then she stood.

  I stood right with her, and the moment I did I saw movement. Not just some movement, but all around the edges of the meadow the weeds and flowers were jerking and swaying as if something was running under them at us.

  Then a head poked up about a hundred paces from us. A massive snake head that was larger than my head, with yellow, swirling slits for eyes and huge fangs. There was no telling how long the snake's body was, and I really didn't want to wait around and find out.

  And then another stuck its head up to the right of the first one. And another and another.

  I spun like a dancer. We were surrounded by giant snakes with very nasty-looking fangs. If we didn't do something quickly we were going to end up the main course for lunch.

  "Nice place," Aahz said as the moving grass got closer and closer around us.

  "Any time now," I tried to suggest, but the only thing that came out of my still sealed mouth was "Aggghhh tgggghhhh nggghhhh."

  "What's the matter?" Tanda asked, smiling at me. "Afraid of a little snake?"

  I nodded vigorously as another monster snake head popped up not more than fifty paces from us. It looked not only hungry, but angry.

  "Yeah," she said, "me, too."

  With that we were back in the dust storm on Vortex #1.

  "Skeeve!" Aahz yelled as the dust pounded into us.

  Before I could even act, Tanda said, "Don't bother."

  Then we were back in the Shifter's tent, staring at the creature who now looked just a little too much like the snakes we had just left.

  "I am glad for my percentage to see that you have returned," it said.

  "I'll bet," Aahz said.

  "Vortex #4 please," Tanda said, getting right to business. "The total is now fifteen percent."

  "I understand our agreement," Tanda said before Aahz could say a word. "Vortex #4 please."

  The snakelike-shaped Shifter nodded, and again we were whisked through to another dimension.

  And right back into the same stupid dust storm.

  Okay, I have to admit that when we dimension-hopped back into the dust storm, I was shocked.

  Tanda motioned that we should follow her. It took me almost all the way to our destination before I realized where we were. Now granted, I had the excuse that it was blowing heavily. And to me, one dust storm looks just like another. But it wasn't until the old log cabin loomed up out of the dust like a ship in the fog that it dawned on me that we were back in the same place.

  Only it wasn't the same place. This was supposed to be Vortex #4, not Vortex #1.

  Inside the old building it became clear that we were in a slightly different place. This time, instead of being bare, the inside of the log cabin was filled with branches and some old furniture, and there was no sign of the fire I had built.

  "Did you see them this time?" Tanda demanded.

  "See what?" Aahz frowned.

  "Out there in the storm." she said. "This time I got a good look at them."

  "What was it?"

  "Dust bunnies. A whole pack of them." She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and shuddered.

  Aahz and I looked at each other and shrugged. Again we seemed to be oblivious to whatever it was that was setting Tanda on edge.

  By the time I got a new fire going and Tanda had put a containment protection around the cabin to keep the wind out, my lips had unsealed. They were chapped and sore, but at least they were loose.

  "So Vortex #4 is a lot like Vortex #1," I said.

  "Makes sense," Tanda said. "Otherwise, why give them the same names with only different numbers?"

  "Any other dimensions so similar that they could be numbered like this?"

  "More than likely," Tanda said, "but I've never seen or heard about any."

  "So we paid another five percent to that thief for this?" Aahz said, clearly disgusted. "We could have found this on our own."

  I had no idea how he thought we could have done that, but since I didn't know much about dimension-hopping, I said nothing.

  "Not likely," Tanda said. "We are a long, long way from Vortex #1. We're farther away in number of dimensions from the Bazaar at Deva than I have ever been before."

  "Oh," Aahz said.

  "And you know that how?" I asked. "Is there some sort of mileage marker I keep missing in the blink of eye it takes to hop to a new dimension?"

  Tanda laughed. "Don't we wish."

  "When a person is dimension-hopping," Aahz said, "and they have powers to do it, like Tanda does, you get a sense of how many dimensions away you have jumped. Not precise, but just a sense of distance."

  Tanda nodded. "And the farther away in number of dimensions, the harder the jump. And the greater the chance of missing the target and getting lost."

  "So that's why you took us back through Vortex #1 from Bumppp?"

  "Safer that way," she said.

  "And each of our jumps following this map is getting us farther and farther away from home?" I didn't much like the idea of that happening. My job as the Royal Court Magician wasn't much, but at the mome
nt it was better than this place.

  "So far," Tanda said. "But this is a treasure map we're following. It isn't supposed to be so easy that just anyone could do it."

  I didn't like the sound of that, either.

  Aahz pulled off his gloves and took out the map, spreading it on the floor so we could all see it by the light of the fire. As expected, the map had changed again. There were now six lines leading from Vortex #4, all to points that now had names. All six lines headed in the general direction of the point marked as the treasure, but none directly. This map wasn't making anything easy, that was for sure.

  The names on each dimension this time were stranger than normal. All were combinations of the same five letters. Starting from the left, the names were Et, Cet, Era, Etc, Ete, and Ra.

  "You know any of those dimensions?" Aahz asked.

  "No," Tanda said. "You?"

  "No," Aahz said. "There goes another five percent."

  Tanda shrugged. "Can't be helped. I suggest we head for the center one."

  "Etc it is, then," I said.

  All Aahz did was growl deep inside his throat as he stood and put the map away.

  "I hope this means we're going back to Vortex #1 again." I said. "Tell me we're not visiting the snakes again."

  "It would be safer if we hit Bumppp again," she said. "No point in taking the chance."

  "You can't be serious," I said. Just at the mention of those snakes my stomach clamped up into a knot.

  She laughed. "Don't worry. From here I can hit Vortex #1. No snakes needed."

  She made sure Aahz was ready, then we hopped.

  The dust pounded at me for all of five seconds while Tanda made sure we were there and all right, then she hopped us again right back into the tent of the Shifter.

  He was now shaped like a sofa with eyes on the arms and pillows where the ears would be. A massive, orange tongue hung out of the face, forming the seating area. From that moment onward, sitting on a sofa was going to take on a whole new meaning for me.

  "We need the Etc dimension," Tanda said.

  "Your total is now twenty percent," the creature said, its massive tongue moving as if someone was fluffing the pillows.

  "We are aware of that," Tanda said.

  The next moment we found ourselves standing on a wide and, mercifully, empty street. Plain-looking wooden buildings framed both sides of the street.