Myth-ion Improbable

by Robert Asprin

  The sky overhead was cloudy and gray, the air was cold and crisp, but at least it wasn't blowing. I was glad I still had our heavy coats and hats on as disguises.

  I turned slowly around. There was no doubt there were some strange dimensions in this universe. The road seemed to go off into the distance in both directions from where we were standing, framed by exactly the same types of buildings on both sides, all the same height. Each building had a strange shape to it as well, with two doors, and matching windows. There was no way to tell what was on the other side of the buildings, since it was like we were standing in a canyon.

  I had no idea how anyone living in this place found his or her way home. Every building was exactly like the one it butted against, with no numbers or colors or any kind of distinguishing marks.

  "Wonder where the people are?" I asked.

  "Let's check the map and not wait to find out the answer to that," Aahz said as he headed for the side of the street.

  "Yeah," Tanda said as she looked around, clearly on guard. "I don't like the looks of this."

  Aahz pulled the map out as he got near the edge of the road and opened it. On the map the dimension we were in was now marked clearly, with only one path leading away from it. Vortex #6 was our next stop. At least we had jumped over Vortex #5 just like we had over #2 and #3.

  Tanda glanced at the map and shook her head.

  For a moment I thought Aahz was going to wad the thing up and toss it away, but then he folded it and put it back in his jacket.

  Suddenly, in the window of the building closest to us, a creature appeared.

  "We have company," I said softly,

  Tanda and Aahz both looked up as another creature appeared in the window beside the first one.

  I glanced around. Every window of every building now had someone standing in it. And every one of them looked exactly alike. Gray suit, gray hair, gray face, two arms. They were all the same shape and same height.

  And when one of them moved, every other creature I could see moved the same way.

  "This is creeping me out," Tanda said.

  The next instant the dust smashed into my face.

  "Warning next time," Aahz said.

  "This is Vortex #4," she shouted over the wind. "We're hopping again before the bunnies find us."

  For an instant there was no dust, then it hit again.

  I knew this had to be Vortex #1. I mean, with the dust and all, what else could it be?

  Then we were back in the tent with the Shifter. And right at that moment what I really wanted to do more than anything else was just walk out of the tent and forget this entire thing.

  "Vortex #6 please," Tanda said to the Shifter, who had lost his couch shape and now looked more like a cross between a cat and a table.

  "Twenty-five percent."

  Aahz ground his teeth, the sound filling the tent.

  "You're making my friend angry by repeating that," I said.

  Then I realized I had spoken my mind. Tanda hadn't sealed my lips for this visit. Aahz glared at me and I shrugged.

  "It is a bargain at twice the price," the Shifter said.

  I was about to tell him that dealing with a Deevel was a bargain as well, but Tananda put her hand over my mouth and spoke to the Shifter. "Vortex #6 please. We have agreed to twenty-five percent total to this point."

  The Shifter nodded, which looked a lot like a table lifting its leg, then we were back in the dust storm.

  It seemed like the same dust, and was as hard to walk in as the last two Vortex dimensions. But as we got near the old cabin, I noticed a very large and very important difference.

  This time there was a light in the window.

  Someone was home.

  Chapter Four

  "Don't pick up hitchhikers!"

  D. Adams

  The yellow light coming from the cabin window was like a warning sign. We all stopped about twenty paces short of the door and stared through the blowing dust at the light. I know I was annoyed. After using the cabin in two other dimensions, I was starting to feel like it was an extension of home.

  How dare anyone actually live in it?

  "Now what do we do?" I shouted to Aahz over the sound of the storm whipping around us.

  "Anything else close by?" Aahz asked Tanda.

  The green scales on his face were plastered in dust. I knew for a fact he hated being dirty, and after giving away so much of an as-yet-unfound fortune to a travel guide, or agent, or whatever he had called the Shifter, the dust and wind couldn't be helping his mood any.

  Tanda shook her head.

  "No dust bunnies and nothing else I know of. The Shifter only put directions to this place in my mind on the first hop."

  "So we knock," I said over the wind.

  Tanda and Aahz seemed to have no other idea, so I slogged through the deep dust to the door and rapped on it.

  Tanda moved over to my left and Aahz stayed five steps away in the background, his face covered. If I had to, I would disguise him quickly. His green scales and looks tended to frighten a lot of people.

  The door opened suddenly and I found myself facing a girl. She was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, dark pants, and had her hair pulled back off her face. She had a smile that lit up her deep brown eyes and wanned every nerve in my body. I figured her to be about my age. Her face brightened, when she saw me.

  "You must be Skeeve," she said. "Come on in. My dad said you'd be along eventually."

  I stood in the dust, staring at her. In all my life I had never been so surprised at anything anyone said.

  She knew my name.

  She had been expecting me.

  God knew how many dimensions from home and in the middle of a raging dust storm, she had been expecting me!

  My first thought was to back slowly away before turning and running into the storm. But my legs remained frozen in place, my mind too stunned to even try to reason out anything.

  "Come on," the girl said. "It's windy out there!"

  Nothing on me was moving.

  Tanda finally pushed me forward and the girl stepped back, holding the door for all of us to go inside.

  If I hadn't known this was the same cabin as we had seen in the other dimensions, I would have never have recognized it. Now it had a wooden floor, the cracks in the walls were all filled, and it was warm and comfortable.

  There was a table with a bow! of fruit on it, four chairs, and kitchen counter with cabinets on one side of the room. A fire was burning in a baking stove, keeping the cabin comfortable. A bed was against the far wall, with a beautiful blue and gold quilt neatly covering it and a pillow.

  The young lady didn't seem to be at all surprised to see Aahz, which worried me even more. Pervects tended to scare people, either by their looks or their reputations.

  I finally managed to find the words I needed to ask.

  "How do you know me?"

  "She knows you?" Aahz asked.

  Clearly he had been too far out in the dust storm to hear her over the blowing wind.

  The girl laughed and I got even more afraid of her. The laugh was perfect, son of gentle, yet free and high, like a soft breeze on a summer's afternoon. The exact laugh I would expect from a young lady as beautiful as she was, yet never got, at least from the few I had met.

  "I doesn't really know him," she said, again laughing. "At least not in the traditional sense, or any other sense for that matter. Although I must say, I wouldn't mind, if you know what I mean."

  I had no idea what she meant. I wanted to ask just how many senses of 'know' there were, but figured I'd wait to do that later.

  Aahz snorted and Tanda laughed.

  She went on. "My father said I should expect a young, good-looking man named Skeeve to come here. I just assumed you were Skeeve, since you are the first person to visit this place in the two weeks I've been here."

  I think I was staring at her, stunned. At least that was how it felt. I didn't know her and I had no idea who her father
might be.

  She smiled at me and then turned to Tananda.

  "You must be the one Skeeve was traveling with before," she said. "Don't worry. I've taken care of the dust bunnies. You know, don't you, that they're completely invisible to guys."

  Then she glanced at Aahz and frowned slightly.

  "But I don't know you and your connection to this, big guy."

  I was so shocked, I couldn't say anything. She had called Aahz 'big guy,' and knew I had traveled with Tanda.

  No one said anything.

  Clearly Tanda and Aahz were shocked as well. From what Tanda had said, we were a lot of dimensions away from our homes. Yet in the middle of a dust storm, in a strange dimension, we had found someone waiting for us. Someone who knew my name.

  "Cat's got your tongues, I see," she said, laughing. She turned around and motioned that we should sit down at the table. "I bet you're getting hungry by now, after all the dimension-hopping you've been doing."

  I wanted to ask why she thought a cat had my tongue, and how she knew what we had been doing, then decided against asking that, in exchange for what I thought was a better question.

  "Are you a Shifter?"

  Again she laughed, the wonderful sound filling the cabin and blending in with the faint crackling of me fire in the oven.

  "Not hardly. But my father said you might be getting a little tired of their costs by now. How much of the treasure have you given away so far? Thirty-five percent? Forty percent?"

  "Only twenty-five percent," I said.

  Then it dawned on me that she knew about the treasure as well. And that we had been negotiating with the Shifters. How much did she know, and how did she know it?

  Aahz gave me a stern look and I shrugged. He always thought I talked too much, and clearly this was one of those times he just might be right.

  "Wow, you must be a great negotiator," she said, smiling at me.

  "Not hardly," Tanda said, moving over and sitting down at the table.

  Aahz and I did the same.

  "So you know our friend Skeeve here," Tanda said. "Could you please tell us what your name is, and how you know him?"

  The girl smiled at me, holding my gaze in her beautiful brown eyes.

  "My name is Glenda. My father sold Skeeve the map you are using to search for the golden cow."

  Glenda turned back to the counter and opened a cabinet that contained what looked to be a freshly baked loaf of bread.

  Tanda glared and me and I just shrugged. I had told her and Aahz everything that had happened when I bought the map. This young lady had been nowhere around. That much I was sure of. I would have remembered seeing her.

  Now I was even more confused. Why had the guy who sold me the map sent his daughter here to meet us? For what reason?

  "So the map was a scam after all," Aahz said, scowling at her, "and you've been waiting here to collect something from us. Is that it?"

  Glenda laughed and smiled at Aahz. "The cynic of the group, I see."

  Then she smiled at me again.

  I smiled right back at her.

  "He does tend to look at what could go wrong a lot."

  "He would make a great lawyer," she said.

  I wanted to ask what a lawyer was, but just nodded instead.

  She turned to look directly at Aahz.

  "No, I assure you that, as far as I know, or anyone knows, the map is real."

  "So what are you doing here, then?" Tanda asked.

  Glenda shrugged. "My father thought you might need some help about now. And when my father told me about Skeeve after he bought the map, I thought he might be cute. I was right."

  I think I blushed from the ends of my toes to the top of my head. Luckily the only thing visible to her was my face.

  Aahz snorted even louder, an ugly sound that seemed to just hang in the warm cabin like a bad smell.

  "Why would your father think we need help?" Tanda asked.

  Glenda went back to cutting the fresh bread as she answered. "Because no one has ever made it past this point before, and returned alive."

  "Ohhhhh," Aahz said, "now I understand. Your father keeps selling the map over and over and your job is to get it back."

  "Actually, he's tired of selling it," Glenda said. "And getting it back has never been a problem. He usually just pops in here every spring and takes it off the bodies."

  The faint crackling of the fire and the wind against the eaves of the cabin were the only noises. I didn't want to think about the fact that a map I had carried around for a week had been on dead bodies.

  "Why does that happen?" Tanda asked, but I noticed that she wasn't really putting as much anger into her voice as before.

  Glenda smiled at her. "You're the one with the ability to dimension-hop. You tell me."

  Tanda's eyes seemed to fade out for a moment, then she looked up at Glenda and said softly. "We're too far away from any place I know, including the last place we jumped to."

  "Exactly," Glenda said, putting the cut bread on the table in front of us. "The Shifters have done that to six groups of treasure-seekers that my father sold the map to. Vortex #6, this place, is just too far from any known dimension, and any other dimension on the map, for almost anyone but the most traveled dimension-hopper.

  And until I fixed this cabin up a few weeks ago, there was nothing here but a shell of old logs."

  "We would have starved to death," I said.

  "Given time, you would have starved, or jumped to some other dimension and gotten lost," Glenda said, pulling out the chair and sitting down beside me. "My father tracked two groups with the map who did that. Both met very ugly ends at the hands of creatures they never should have faced."

  My memory of the snakes was clear enough to understand exactly what she was saying.

  She took a piece of the wonderful-smelling fresh bread and bit into it, never taking her gaze from mine.

  "And your price to rescue us is . . . ?" Aahz asked.

  I glanced at him. Typical Aahz, always leading with the pocketbook first.

  Glenda smiled at my green-scaled mentor.

  "What's your name?" she asked.

  "Aahz," he said. "And you haven't answered my question yet."

  "I want to go with you," she said. "And for helping you find the golden cow and getting us all back to a dimension near the Bazaar at Deva, I want the same share as each of you are getting, after paying off the Shifter."

  It still wasn't making sense.

  "So why haven't you just gone after the cow on your own, before now?"

  "Honestly," she said, looking directly into my eyes while answering, "my father thought you, Skeeve, were the first one he had ever sold the map to that had a chance of actually getting to the cow."

  "You didn't answer his question either," Aahz said. "And why should we give you such a large share of the treasure?"

  She laughed. "Besides getting you out of this place? This is only one of the problems you face. My father tried a number of times to go the distance before he sold the map the first time, but he always had to turn back. There are many problems ahead. I know what they are. You need me."

  "And your father thinks Skeeve can make it?" Tanda asked.

  I would have been unhappy with the sound of disbelief in Tanda's voice if I didn't feel exactly the same way.

  Glenda reached over and touched my hand on the table.

  Electric shocks went up my arm and I am sure my face again turned a bright shade of red. I couldn't even begin to think about moving my hand away from hers. And I didn't want to. She was doing things to me I had only dreamed about, all with a single touch of her hand.

  "My father has the ability to see the true nature of people," Glenda said, "and their true strengths."

  She rubbed the top of my hand and it was everything I could do to not let out a long, loud sigh.

  "If he thinks Skeeve can get to the golden cow and win over the problems that lie ahead, then I believe in Skeeve as well."

 
; I just smiled at Aahz, giving him my widest grin. In all our time together, I had never seen him look so disgusted.

  It felt wonderful.

  And so did Glenda's hand on mine.

  Okay, so there was tension in the small cabin. Lots of it, of all kinds. I have to admit that having a girl my age along on this crazy quest sounded just fine by me. Especially one that thought I was special without really knowing me, and could make my entire body tingle at the touch of a hand. I liked the advantage of that. With her, I didn't have any past mistakes to climb over or make up for.

  Aahz and Tanda, on the other hand, weren't so certain about taking Glenda along and cutting her in on the possible prize. And that wasn't good tension at all. And since none of us knew her, there was that tension as well.

  But the way I figured it, there really wasn't much choice. Tanda couldn't hop us back to any dimension she knew of. It was just too far, and we didn't dare just risk hopping dimensions trying to get close enough. We would end up lost, or more likely dead from something like those snakes or creepy identical-people on that street.

  We needed Glenda. And besides, I wanted her along. It would be fun getting to know her.

  "So now there's four of us," I said, smiling across the table at Glenda and ignoring the scowls coming from my mentor.

  "Great," Glenda said. "You won't regret it."

  I doubted I would either.

  "We split the treasure four ways," Aahz said, making the deal clear.

  "After the Shifter's part is taken out," I reminded him.

  "Yeah, after the Shifter's twenty-five percent."

  He almost spat the last few words of the sentence as he glared at Tanda.

  "There'll still be more than enough for everyone," Glenda said as she offered everyone some fresh bread. "If we can get to the golden cow and make it ours."

  I took a large piece and then some of the wonderful apple jelly she had on the table. After one bite I knew that fresh bread and jelly was the best-tasting thing I remembered having in a long, long time. It more than melted in my mouth as it turned my taste buds into a wonderful world of flavors. Man, if Glenda could make all the food she cooked do that, I was never leaving her side.