Sin of a Woman

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “Both. Being with you feels like old times. You and I were always so good together, but we couldn’t share our love publicly. Now, though, we can be together anytime we want.”

  Porsha thought about Steve and the affair she was having with him behind his wife’s back. Without question, that was a sin she no longer wanted to commit, but even though Dillon wasn’t married, she was still sinning with him, too. She was fornicating, and no matter how “good together” they were, it was wrong. It had always been wrong, but for years, the idea of sleeping with a married man or even sleeping with a single man out of wedlock hadn’t bothered her. She wished she could say she’d felt bad about it, except mostly she hadn’t. But now she did, and at this very moment, she knew God was speaking to her heart about it whether she wanted Him to or not.

  This was also the reason she was having a hard time reconciling the many thoughts that were spinning through her mind. She was struggling with the idea of wanting to do the right thing but still doing wrong.

  “Can I ask you something?” Dillon said.

  “What is it?”

  “How long are you planning to keep dealing with Raven?”

  Porsha knew that it was only a matter of time before she left New Vision, but she still didn’t trust Dillon enough to confide that kind of information. So she said, “Is that what you came over here for? To talk about your ex-wife?”

  “No, I just can’t understand why you got mixed up with her. And did you know she called my dad yesterday, apologizing and saying she would change her statement? But then never did it?”

  “Really?” Porsha said, realizing now that Raven was no longer sharing any news with her. Not about her personal life or church business. She’d been blowing off their friendship for a while, which was fine with Porsha, but now it was a lot more noticeable.

  “Yep, and I’m not about to let her get away with what she’s doing,” he declared.

  Porsha didn’t comment.

  “Not when my life is finally in a place that it’s never been in before. This is the first time I’ve felt extremely close to my dad and the rest of our family, and my dad’s ministry is doing better than ever. So we don’t need to be involved in some new scandal.”

  Now Porsha rolled on her side, facing him. “I’m really sorry that this is happening.”

  “Actually, none of us should be surprised about anything Raven does, but all I know is that I won’t let her ruin us or our church. I’ll protect it any way I have to.”

  Porsha wondered what he meant by that, but once again, she didn’t say anything. She sort of wished she had, though. Because maybe if she’d kept talking, they wouldn’t have heard her phone vibrating in her purse. Of course, Dillon couldn’t wait to question her about it.

  “Aren’t you going to answer that?”

  “No.”

  “Why? Is it your man calling?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe I should answer it for you,” he joked while raising his body up.

  Porsha hurried to pull him back down. “No, don’t.”

  Dillon laughed. “Now I know it’s your man calling.”

  “It’s not.”

  “How can you be so sure? Did you tell him you were coming to see your other man tonight?”

  Porsha refused to acknowledge his accusations. “So, how is your sister? And her husband?”

  “Yeah, change the subject, why don’t you. But they’re fine and couldn’t be happier. They were made for each other. Just like you and me.”

  Porsha shook her head. “Whatever you say, Dillon.”

  “You think I’m joking?”

  “How’s everyone else doing?” Porsha asked, still refusing to acknowledge his questions.

  “Everyone is good, and my baby sister, Curtina, and I are as thick as thieves.”

  “Really? How sweet is that, and how old is she now?”

  “Eleven. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but when she and I first met we didn’t care much for each other. Actually, none of my siblings cared for me, but then of course, Alicia and I eventually became as close as any brother and sister could be.”

  “I’m so happy for you, Dillon, because I know that’s what you always wanted.”

  “I did, and although my stepmother and I mostly just tolerate each other, we get along.”

  “That’s great, too.”

  “So all is good.”

  “That’s really a blessing. But there’s still something I don’t understand.”

  “What?”

  “Why you no longer want to be a pastor.”

  “I just don’t.”

  “Do you still consider yourself a minister?”

  “Nope.”

  “So just like that, you decided not to be one?”

  “I was never a called minister in the first place.”

  Porsha couldn’t believe what she was hearing, because the Dillon she had known would never have admitted something like this. But at the same time, she lay there thinking about her own choice to become a minister and how she hadn’t been called by God, either. She seemed to think about this truth all the time now, and it wouldn’t go away.

  “Why are you so quiet?” he asked.

  “No reason.”

  “I know you probably don’t understand my decision, but I just didn’t want to do that anymore.”

  “What, be a pastor?”

  “No, keep pretending. I didn’t want to end up like my dad, caught up in one scandal after another. I mean, even though my dad was really called by God to preach, he abused his calling. He talks about that all the time, and although it took him years to get things right, he finally did. I’ve watched him closely, and I’ve even tested him with a couple of situations, and he works hard not to do things that will go against God’s Word.”

  Porsha got quiet again, but while Dillon had been speaking she’d been coming to her own decision. She would continue building her singles ministry for women, but she wouldn’t accept any more invitations to preach at other churches. She was also going to cancel any that were confirmed on her calendar for the rest of the year. Even if Raven was planning to be out of town on any upcoming Sundays, Porsha would tell her to bring in a guest minister from somewhere else to fill in for her. Then, once Porsha got her singles ministry up and running, she would publicly announce that she was leaving pulpit ministry. She would make it known that her assigned ministry from God was something totally different, and that her purpose was to help women.

  “Plus,” Dillon said, “to me, our broadcasting division is a ministry in itself. So it’s not like a person has to preach from a pulpit or be a senior pastor to have one. Ministry can be so many other things.”

  It was almost as if Dillon had read Porsha’s mind. “I know, but you just seemed so determined to be a prominent pastor.”

  “Yeah, but only because I was angry at my dad and wanted to prove to him that I could be more successful than he was. That I could even take his members from him. But needless to say, I don’t have to feel like that anymore, and I don’t.”

  “It sounds like you’ve really made a lot of changes.”

  “I have,” he said, moving closer to her and kissing her. “And the more we spend time together, you’ll see just how much.”

  “I still don’t trust you.”

  “Maybe not today. Maybe not even next week. But you will.”

  Porsha lay in his arms, wanting to believe him. She knew she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t help the way she felt. It was just the way things were, and all she could do now was hope for the best.

  Chapter 23

  Raven snuggled closer to Kane on her sofa, and he hugged her and kissed her forehead. It was shortly after ten a.m., and though Kane had dropped by last night around seven, he hadn’t left. He’d come straight through the door like a wild man, and although Raven had never seen him this way, she’d loved every minute of it. He’d taken total control, and he’d acted as though they hadn’t made love in years. He’d seemin
gly not been able to get enough of her, but she knew his actions were a response to the problems they’d been having. Raven had hurt him, and he’d wanted them to make love like never before. He’d wanted them to make up the way most couples do after a major argument, something she’d assumed they’d already done on Wednesday after Bible study. But now she knew that Kane hadn’t officially made things right with her the way he’d wanted to until last night. Plus, as the saying went, there truly was a very thin line between love and hate, and Kane’s emotional pain had heightened his ability to make deep, passionate love to her.

  There was one thing Raven wasn’t proud of, though: having sex with two men on the same day, only hours apart. She hadn’t planned for things to happen this way, but she’d also had to do what she’d had to do. Still, Kane would kill her if he ever found out about John, so she had to be careful. There was at least one important difference, though. She’d only had sex with John, but she’d made love with Kane. Actually, she hadn’t even meant to go all the way with John, at least not yesterday, but then she’d decided it was best to give him what he wanted. That way, he would soon become mesmerized and so obsessed with her that he could barely see straight. She’d wanted him to leave her office both lovesick and yearning for more, and he had. As a matter of fact, he’d already texted her this morning, asking if they could meet up today. She’d purposely not responded, however, because she’d known that ignoring him would make him that much more desperate. But she wouldn’t force him to wait too long. She would keep him satisfied so he could get her that two hundred thousand dollars she needed. Thus far, she hadn’t mentioned anything about money to John, but in due time, she would. Soon she would have him positioned just where she wanted him, and he would do exactly what he was told. He wouldn’t ask questions or want lengthy explanations. He would merely do what was required to make her happy, or she’d never sleep with him again. And sadly, she’d also have to fire him.

  “So did you enjoy yourself last night?” Kane asked.

  “You know I did. You were like an animal.”

  Kane laughed. “Well, if I was, it’s all your fault.”

  “Oh really? And why is that?”

  “You do things that make me crazy, and then I have all this pent-up frustration I need to get out.”

  “Then maybe I need to make you crazy a lot more often.”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “I’m just kidding, anyway. And, baby, I really am sorry about keeping secrets from you. I’m sorry for upsetting you the way I did.”

  “That’s in the past, but I will say one thing. I’m now wondering what a lot of other people are wondering.”

  “What’s that?”

  “If Pastor Black is the person who did this to you.”

  Raven didn’t want Kane thinking that, but she also didn’t want him trying to pressure her into saying who had actually raped her. So she chose her words wisely. “It wasn’t him, and all I want is to move on with my life.”

  “Well, you need to make that statement publicly. Have you seen all the rumors online? And yesterday, I overheard two of our employees talking about it. One woman said she’s a member of his church, and that he would never do anything like that, and the other said she wouldn’t put anything past any man.”

  “People are going to talk no matter what.”

  “But you know you worked for the man before you went to prison, and you were married to his son. So quite naturally, a lot of folks can’t help but question who did this.”

  “That’s not my fault.”

  “Look, baby, I know you don’t have a great relationship with your ex-husband or his family, but a rumor like this is serious. Nobody deserves to be accused of something they didn’t do.”

  “It’s all in the past.”

  “I don’t get that.”

  “Why does it bother you so much?” she asked him.

  “Because it’s not right. I mean, would you want people thinking I was a rapist?”

  “No, but I never said that Pastor Black did anything. Not once did I mention his name.”

  “But you know the rumors are out there. You know people are talking, and you could end that.”

  “Yeah, and then everyone will start wanting to know who did rape me. Or they’ll find other pastors here in town to start speculating about.”

  Kane raised his arm from around her shoulder. “You know what? You do whatever you think is best.”

  “So I guess you’re mad at me again?”

  He picked up the TV remote but never looked at her.

  “I don’t believe you,” she said, sitting up straight and staring at him.

  Kane flipped through a number of channels until he found a baseball game.

  “So now you’re just going to ignore me? All because I won’t do what you want?”

  Kane gazed straight at the television screen. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

  Raven sighed and then got up. “Fine.”

  Kane drew his legs up onto the sofa and made himself more comfortable.

  Raven went upstairs to her bedroom. It was amazing how a blissful Saturday morning could turn so disastrous. But she knew Kane had strong convictions about a number of different issues, and he didn’t like what was happening to Pastor Black; not when he felt as though she could fix things anytime she wanted. What he didn’t know, however, was that eventually she would clear Pastor Black’s name. But not until John had embezzled the money she needed. Because if for some reason John couldn’t get the full amount or something else went wrong, she would have to get it from Pastor Black. She would have to blackmail him, mainly because she wouldn’t have any other choice. Not when she needed to pay D.C. his money.

  Before he hurt her…or killed her, even.

  Chapter 24

  Porsha’s thoughts were all over the place. One minute her mind was focused completely on the short message she would be delivering to the congregation this morning, and the next, it was fixated on Dillon. She’d tried to tell herself that it was best to take things slow with him, but not only had she seen him on Thursday and Friday, she’d also spent most of yesterday at his home. He did seem as though he’d changed for the better, but she also couldn’t ignore her common sense. She couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t slept around on his wife, with both her and a second woman, not to mention, he’d done so while he’d been a pastor.

  But then, who was she to judge anyone when it came to being a minister when she was knowingly deceiving innocent people? After leaving Dillon’s home last night, she’d even considered confessing the truth today. Because in all honesty, she needed to clear her conscience. She knew this would prove to be her most humiliating moment, but she also knew she would be free. She wouldn’t have to lie anymore about being called by God for pulpit ministry or walk around consumed with guilt. Her only worry, though, was the potential aftershock. Because what if publicly coming clean caused every person she knew to turn their backs on her? What if people questioned what else she’d lied about and then ended their relationships with her? As it was, she didn’t have any immediate family members, but what if the few women at NVCC who she did see as friends distanced themselves from her?

  Porsha clasped her hands together just under her chin, closed her eyes, and prayed for direction. “Lord, I come before You asking for full discernment and complete clarity. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t find peace until I boldly confess and repent of my sins. But even when I’ve done that, I’m asking that You would please give me the strength I need to do the right thing. I also ask that You would please guide me with proper timing. That I will have the courage to move forward when I should. I ask You for these and all other blessings in Your Son Jesus’s name. Amen.”

  Porsha read through her message again and set the document back on her desk. She looked at her watch and saw that it was time she headed out to the sanctuary. But before she stood up, she thought about Steve and how he was coming to see her this afternoon.
She didn’t want him to, but she still felt it was better to end things in person.

  When the praise and worship team took their seats, Porsha walked up to the podium. “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God,” she said, quoting the same scripture she’d started with the previous Sunday. But over the last few days, she’d decided that she would begin with these particular words from now on, even with her women’s ministry meetings. There were many wonderful passages in the Bible, but speaking about the importance of everyone loving each other was a priority for her. Especially since as far as she was concerned, most people didn’t love each other enough. They either hurt or betrayed those whom they claimed they cared about, or they focused only on themselves.

  “Before I share my inspirational thought with you this morning, I also want to announce the launch of NVCC’s newest ministry. It will be called Daughters of Ruth, and it’ll be designed to help our single women.”

  Many of the members nodded with approval, and some of the men made comments and chuckled a little.

  Porsha smiled. “All right, gentlemen. I know you might feel a little left out, but please know that this was not my intent. I just feel that women and men have different concerns and problems, and sometimes it’s a lot easier for us to discuss those issues privately. It’s better to share openly amongst ourselves. Plus, I’m pretty sure that there are certain things men like to talk about that you wouldn’t want us ladies to hear, either. Am I right?”

  Everyone laughed, and it was at this moment that Porsha wished she could be honest about everything. Tell their members who she truly was. But no matter how hard she stood there trying, the words wouldn’t come out. She just didn’t have the courage.

  “That’s what I thought. Men and women are very different, and my hope is that one of our elders or one of our other members will start a ministry designed only for men.”

  There was more nodding of approval.

  “So ladies, single ones that is, our first meeting will be held Thursday after next, and then we’ll meet every fourth Thursday thereafter. But between now and then, Michelle, our executive assistant, will be sending out email reminders and also including that information on our automated phone calls. I think most of you are on the list for our weekly phone updates. But if you’re not, you might want to register for it, because we make sure to keep you abreast of any news you might need to know before Sunday mornings. But either way, I really hope to see as many women as possible, and I look forward to everything we’ll be doing together.”