Sin of a Woman

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Porsha scanned the outline for her mini message. “Now, before I take my seat I just want to share a few words with you, which won’t take long at all. Last week I talked about my desire to meet the right man. Someone who would love and cherish me. I still feel that way, of course, but what I also realized was that part of my true purpose in life is to help other women who are battling the same problem. Good women who have an amazing amount of love to offer but who can’t seem to find a good man to love them back. Women who know that they have a soul mate out there, but they just haven’t met him yet. Or in some cases, their true soul mate might be someone they already know, but they’ve somehow overlooked him. Or maybe the circumstances weren’t lined up the way they needed to be when they first saw each other. As for me, I know I’ve struggled with relationships since college. I’ve been in and out of them, I’ve sometimes been misused and taken advantage of, and sometimes I’ve been hurt by men so badly that I curled up and cried like a child. But here’s what I know to be true. And it’s something that God only recently opened my eyes to. And that something is this: Until we truly begin living the way God wants us to live, nothing will work out the way it should. Until we fully begin trusting Him completely and praying to Him without ceasing, we will never truly be happy. So my final thought for you today is to trust in the Lord with all your heart. And as you know, in Proverbs, that passage finishes by saying, ‘and lean not to your own understanding.’ So, women, if you want to find the man of your dreams, then you must stop looking on your own. What you have to do is ask God to send you the man He wants you to be with. The same goes for single men. If you want to find that one special woman, then you have to ask God to bring that amazing woman into your life. But even if you’re sitting here today and you don’t have that sort of problem—maybe you’re already happily married, but you’re unhappy about something else—well, if so, the same message applies. Because if you’re going to a job every single day that you hate, then you’re not following your passion. You also aren’t walking in your purpose. And if this is the case, then the only way you’ll ever discover your true purpose is by asking God to tell you what that is. You have to ask and then spend lots of quiet time with Him, listening. You have to take Him and His Word a lot more seriously. You have to do what He expects you to do in all areas of your life. You have to stop saying you’re a Christian who believes in God and start acting like one!”

  The congregation applauded, and Porsha hadn’t felt this good about herself—well, in a very long time. She still hadn’t shared anything about her decision to leave pulpit ministry, but she knew she was on the right track. She wasn’t so naïve that she thought she could fix all her wrongdoing at one time, but she was now looking forward to being a relentless work-in-progress. First, she would end her affair with Steve this afternoon, and then she would figure out how she was going to handle her situation with Dillon. From there, she would find the courage to resign from her position as associate minister and then figure out how to sever ties with Raven. She wasn’t sure how the latter would work from a financial standpoint, but her hope was that Raven would be fair. Even if she wasn’t, though, Porsha wouldn’t fight over money—money that she knew she’d invested for all the wrong reasons. So if it came down to it, Porsha would walk away with nothing. She would find another church to attend, one that she could hopefully start her Daughters of Ruth ministry with. She would then work toward taking Daughters of Ruth online. She was so excited about all her new possibilities that she burst into tears. She had a lot to do, but at this very second, she felt more joy than she had in years—maybe even in her whole life.

  Chapter 25

  Raven heard a knock on her door, and smiled because of how efficient Michelle always was. As usual, she was right on time with bringing Raven a copy of her revised sermon notes.

  “Come in.”

  The door eased open, and Raven smiled. But when she saw who it was, her happy demeanor vanished.

  “Good morning,” John said.

  Raven wondered why he was dropping in on her unannounced. “Good morning.”

  He walked closer to her desk. “I know you’re getting ready for your sermon, but I just needed to see you. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty.”

  “About what?” she said, forcing herself to smile again.

  “Your feelings for me and how you’ve cared for me all this time.”

  “I’m glad we were finally able to tell the truth,” she said.

  “I also know that it will take you a little time to end things with Kane, but I’m fine with that.”

  Raven almost frowned, but stopped herself. Did he honestly think she was planning to break up with Kane for him? “I’m glad you understand, because we’ve dated for a while now. And it won’t be easy.”

  “Of course, and that’s why I’m willing to be as patient as you need me to be. But I won’t lie, I hope it happens soon.”

  Raven leaned back in her chair. “Don’t worry, it will. I promise.”

  “I’m sorry if I seem a little nervous, but I guess I just still can’t believe this is happening.”

  Raven wondered how long he was planning to stay, because the last thing she wanted was for Kane to show up at her office. It also wouldn’t be long before Michelle arrived with her sermon notes, so Raven had to get rid of him.

  Finally, she stood up, walked around her desk, and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Well, it is happening. And I’m just glad we finally connected.”

  “I’ve always wanted you,” he confessed. “Always.”

  Raven pecked him on the lips. “I’ve always wanted you, too.”

  John removed his glasses and kissed her like no one else was in the building, and she knew she had to end this little meeting of theirs.

  “I don’t mean to rush you, but Michelle will be coming back soon and I don’t want her to suspect anything.”

  “It’s not a problem, and I’ll get going,” he said, walking away and then looking back at her, smiling.

  Raven waved good-bye to him and breathed a sigh of relief. She loved that he was clearly smitten with her, yet she also didn’t want him showing up whenever he felt like it. She couldn’t have people wondering what was going on between them, which meant she had to set some boundaries. She would have to make him understand that they needed to be more careful about their love affair—just until she broke up with Kane for good. She would need to tell that lie and many others to get what she wanted.

  Raven looked across her congregation. “So by now, I’m sure all of you have seen my Facebook video. Which is why I first want to say how sorry I am for not sharing this part of my life with you first. Each and every one of you knows how much I love you and this church, so please know that it was never my intent for you to find out the way you did. But what I’ve had to learn, too, is that when God leads you to do something, you have to do it. You have to be obedient and not question Him, because He has a reason for everything. Even when I apologized to some of my staff members this past Tuesday for not telling them beforehand, either, I realized that my testimony isn’t about me. It’s about all the women and girls who God knew would be watching online that particular day.”

  Everyone gazed at her with much compassion.

  “But with that said,” she continued, “I’ve recorded a formal message just for all of you. My beloved members here at NVCC. Actually, Melvin and a couple of his media staff members were kind enough to come in at the last minute yesterday evening. I’d already recorded a quick message a couple of days ago, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that you deserved something different. Something that fully explains what I went through,” she said, stepping back and turning to look at one of the large-screen televisions. “We’re going to play it for you now, and it won’t take very long.”

  Raven locked her hands together and held them low in front of her body. She waited for Melvin to cue up the message, and soon her face appeared on-screen.

&nb
sp; “Good morning, NVCC. Today, I wanted to take some time to share a little more detail about what happened to me. As you know, nearly a decade ago, I was raped by a well-known pastor. It was before I was arrested and sentenced to prison, but until last Monday I’d never told another living soul. I’d walked around harboring this painful secret for years, pretending that it never occurred. I was devastated and traumatized in the worst possible way, but I still tried to forget about it. I tried to act as though it wasn’t reality. And I was successful with doing that…until last week, when God seemed to will me to tell the truth. Then, He made me see that hiding my abuse wasn’t helping anyone. So I did what I knew He wanted me to do, and I never thought twice about it. This was doubly hard for me to deal with because as some of you already know, I was also sexually abused while I was in foster care. I was raped twice and made to do other awful things to grown men, but I still went on with my life. I was strong and ambitious, and I did what I had to do to make it in this unkind and very vicious world. I did what women have been doing since the beginning of time. But then, when this happened to me again as an adult—and worse, I was violated by a prominent pastor—I was shaken to my core. I’d borrowed gambling money from him that I couldn’t pay back, and he used that against me. He kept asking me for his money, and then one Sunday afternoon…” Raven said, tearing up. “One Sunday afternoon, he showed up at my condo and did what he wanted. Only hours after preaching a sermon at his church, he sexually assaulted me. He treated me as though I was some animal on the street, and then he left. So needless to say, I was left wondering if God really existed. I wondered what I had done to deserve such cruelty and why this was happening to me again. But thank God that while I was in prison, I regained my faith. Then, when I was released, I married my ex-husband, became first lady of his church, and well, you know the rest of the story. And today, I’m doing well, both mentally and emotionally, and I will be fine. But before I end, I do want to say that I have purposely decided not to identify my predator. There’s a lot of talk online and also here locally about who it might be, but in order for me to move on from this, it’s just better not to name anyone. I just don’t want any old wounds ripping back open. Finally, though, I would like to ask that you would please keep me in your prayers and know that I appreciate your support. You all make my life complete, and I couldn’t be more honored to be your pastor and servant. I love you with all my heart. Thank you so much for listening, and God bless you.”

  When the video ended, Raven turned back toward the congregation, and everyone applauded. They were proud of her for telling them more than what she’d shared with the general public, and this was the response she’d been shooting for. She wiped a few tears and thanked them again for supporting her, but when she glanced out at Kane he tossed her an angry look. John, on the other hand, seemed prouder than anyone, which she expected—but then her upbeat spirit vanished. And she tried to swallow the lump that was now lodged in her throat. She so wished her eyes had been playing tricks on her, but she knew they weren’t. D.C. had just walked inside the sanctuary, staring at her.

  As one of the female ushers escorted him to a seat toward the back, he never took his eyes off her. Raven could, of course, ask herself why D.C. was there, but she knew his presence served only as yet another warning about his money. He had shown up to taunt her and make her uncomfortable, and she knew he wouldn’t stop until she paid him. She would’ve loved nothing more than to report D.C. to the police, but D.C. wasn’t someone you called the law on. If you did, it wouldn’t matter because one of his “people” would still be ordered to handle things accordingly. So again, she would have to pay D.C. his money as soon as she could, which meant John would need to be lured all the way in a lot sooner than planned.

  Chapter 26

  Porsha still couldn’t believe it. Raven had secretly redone her internal video message, and this new recording was much more damaging to Pastor Black than the one on Facebook. It just didn’t make sense for her to continue down this path, so what was this all about? Was Raven doing this to get back at Pastor Black for sending her to prison years ago? Or was this some sick way of securing revenge against Dillon? Porsha wasn’t sure one way or the other, but she had a feeling someone was going to get hurt. She also hadn’t forgotten about that mysterious guy who’d shown up at Bible study.

  Porsha slipped out of her black bolero blazer and matching sleeveless dress and pulled on a pair of heather-gray workout shorts and a white NVCC T-shirt. As she stood in front of her dresser mirror, looking at the church’s logo displayed across her chest, she felt miserable. She’d helped Raven start NVCC two years ago, and although she knew she hadn’t honestly represented herself to their parishioners, she was going to hate not being able to see them anymore. That would be the hardest part about leaving, but nonetheless, she didn’t have a choice.

  Porsha grabbed her cell phone, left her bedroom, and went downstairs. But when she arrived in the kitchen, Dillon called her.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Hey, baby, how are you?”

  “I’m good. You?”

  “Couldn’t be better. Just got home from church.”

  “Me too.”

  “So am I coming to your house or are you coming here?”

  Porsha didn’t want to lie to him, but she wasn’t going to tell him about Steve either. “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I have other plans. Something I need to take care of.”

  “I hope it’s not with another man.”

  Porsha changed the subject. “We just saw each other yesterday, remember? Not to mention Thursday and Friday, too.”

  “I know, and I want to see you today.”

  “I wish I could, but I can’t.”

  “You know you’re enjoying our time together. We’re both enjoying it.”

  “I never said I wasn’t.”

  “Then why are you trying to make excuses about being busy?”

  “I’m not. I really have something else I need to do.”

  “Well, you know that makes me wonder, right?”

  “What?”

  “Who you have these plans with.”

  “Look, Dillon, I would love to see you. I really would, but I can’t.”

  “All right, all right, all right. I won’t pressure you, but just so you know, I’m not happy about this.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So now what am I supposed to do on this beautiful Sunday afternoon? Especially since I already told my dad I wasn’t coming by for dinner.”

  “It’s not like you can’t change your mind.”

  “I know, but that’s not what I wanted to do today. I wanted to spend a few hours with you.”

  Porsha didn’t say anything, and for a split second she thought about calling Steve and canceling their visit. But she knew she had to follow through on her decision to break up with him.

  “We’ll get together another day,” she finally said.

  “What about tomorrow?”

  Porsha laughed. “You don’t give up, do you?”

  “No, and it’s not like you want me to anyway.”

  Porsha thought she heard a car door and rushed toward her entryway and looked out. “I have to get going, okay?”

  “Already?”

  “I do, but I’ll call you later.”

  “You promise?”

  “Yes.”

  “If you don’t I’ll be calling you.”

  “I’ll call you this evening. Really.”

  “Talk to you then. Bye, baby.”

  Porsha pressed the End button and switched her ringer to silent. Then she went back into the kitchen and set her phone on the island. Seconds later, her doorbell rang and she went and opened the door.

  Steve smiled and walked inside, and as soon as he shut the door behind him, he pulled her into his arms.

  Porsha pulled slightly away from him.

  Steve let go of her. “Wow, so we’ve gone days without seeing each other, and th
is is the kind of welcome I get?”

  “Let’s go sit down,” she said, turning away from him and heading toward her family room.

  When they walked over to the sofa, Porsha took a seat and Steve sat next to her. Then he wrapped his arm around her, trying to kiss her.

  But she leaned her head in the other direction. “I’m sorry, but we really need to talk.”

  “What’s wrong now? What’s going on?”

  Porsha scooted over a couple inches and positioned her body so that she was facing him. “This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and all I can hope is that you understand.”

  “What is it?”

  “I can’t see you anymore. This affair of ours is over.”

  “You have got to be kidding me. Why, Porsha?”

  “It’s not right. It never was.”

  Steve scooted to the edge of the sofa, fuming. “So let me get this straight. You just all of a sudden want out of the relationship?”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Well, being in love with someone and then cutting them off for no reason doesn’t make sense. I mean, who does that?”

  “I know you’re upset, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’ve had a huge change of heart, and I can’t keep sleeping with another woman’s husband.”

  Steve laughed like a crazy man, but Porsha knew this wasn’t funny to him. It was actually just the opposite, because for as long as she’d known him she’d never seen him so outraged.