Fear

by Nina Manning

  I pulled out some notes and handed them to her.

  I saw Aimee out of the front door and then collapsed into bed, dreading the start of tomorrow, knowing that Damian and I were no more.

  February 1999

  You always talked about what a major event the millennium would be. Well, people have started talking about it already. Parties are being planned. They say it could be the end of everything as we know it, that computer systems will crash and create a total economic crisis. I know you would have loved to have been here for that. The party. The end of the world. We could have seen it through together, the way we did with everything, head on. Even when we weren’t together, when you were with your friends, and I with mine, we were still one, the same. I wish so often that we could have just had one more day together so I could have said all the things I needed to say. I didn’t know I needed to say them then, but since you’re no longer here, I have so many things to say to you. They say to tell your loved ones regularly that you love them because you never know if that will be the last time you see them. I was with you until the end, but I will never know if you heard me, the things I whispered to you in those final moments. I hope you heard them, I hope they brought you some comfort. I hope you are safe now, happy. Who knows what awaits us after this life, a conscious existence or an existential floating through different dimensions until one day our souls meet again. It’s too big, all of it. Too big for me to imagine. When I try to think where you are, I feel giddy and I have to stop thinking immediately.

  I have stopped the therapy now. Nothing that anyone can say will make me feel any other way. Nor do they know the very thing I hold onto the most, maybe it is what is causing the blockage, maybe once I say the words out loud then maybe things will start to get better. Maybe I will be able to grieve for you instead of holding onto so much frustration.

  Maybe if I start by writing the words down first. Maybe that will help me say them out loud one day. But for now, they can stay hidden here in this journal where no one will ever see them.

  It was me. It was my fault. I caused the accident.

  I caused your death.

  You’re dead because of me.

  37

  September 1998

  Nancy called round the next day. I had left Todd at home in his bed still recovering. His parents weren’t back for a few more days but I needed to get away from the house after everything I had seen. I needed to speak to Nancy.

  We sat at the table drinking tea. ‘How are you? Last night was mental. Is Todd okay? Does he do that stuff all the time?’

  I wanted to tell Nancy that it was the first time and the last time. I wanted to say he wasn’t going to do it again. I wanted to say it was just a phase. I wanted to remind her that so many of us used marijuana and the odd amphetamine and didn’t move on to anything harder. But there was no point. Some people were predisposed to this kind of stuff. Todd was probably one of those people and maybe he was always destined to go down this route. But I would try to do whatever I could to help him.

  ‘So, what will you do?’ Nancy sipped her tea.

  ‘What do you mean? Do?’

  ‘You can’t date a druggy, Frankie?’ She put her mug down and looked at me with her best grown up, serious expression.

  ‘He’s not a druggy,’ I said, not even believing my own words.

  Nancy raised her eyes at me.

  ‘He’s not, he’s just going through a phase!’

  ‘He’s what, twenty-two? He needs to be going through a sorting his life out phase, not a throwing it all away phase.’

  ‘I don’t think you should give him such a hard time, Nancy. Minty isn’t so bloody perfect.’

  ‘Minty is perfect, thanks. I love him.’

  ‘You what? You love him?’ I pulled my head back in surprise.

  Nancy laughed. ‘Yes, I love him, he’s sweet and kind and so funny. I mean, he just makes me laugh, like all the time. What more do I need in a boyfriend?’

  I smiled. Minty was all those things. ‘Yes, he’s sweet. It’s still weird you two hit it off. I mean, it’s Minty.’

  ‘I know, but he’s different to how he is when he’s with you lot. He’s softer. I mean, it must be the same with you and Todd?’

  ‘Yes. No one sees the real him except me,’ I said.

  ‘It’s nice, isn’t it?’ Nancy looked dreamily into the distance and I couldn’t help but snigger. She slapped my arm. ‘Don’t be a doofus!’

  ‘I know, I know. It’s sweet, I get it. We both have “actual” boyfriends.’ I used air quotes and Nancy fell about laughing.

  ‘I can’t believe you actually just did that!’

  Nancy looked up as Kiefer came into the room. He pulled his lips together and did a half smile with his eyes.

  ‘Hey, Kiefer,’ Nancy said, still laughing.

  ‘My sister amusing you, is she.’

  I frowned at Kiefer with his curt words. Had he been listening at the door?

  ‘What’s your beef?’ I said.

  ‘Who do you think?’ Kiefer said, opening the fridge and taking out wafer thin ham and eating it straight from the packet.

  Nancy looked down at the table and fiddled with a huge daisy ring on her finger.

  ‘Todd is a good person and if you just got off your damn high horse there Kiefer and—’

  Suddenly he was at my side leaning right into my ear.

  ‘I don’t need to give that piece of scum anything, do you hear me?’ Kiefer said through a clenched jaw.

  I sat back, feeling the force of his words.

  ‘Why are you being so mean, why can’t you be happy for us? What has Todd ever done to you?’

  Kiefer pulled the chair out opposite us and sat down. Nancy shifted uncomfortably. Kiefer spoke much more calmly this time.

  ‘It’s not what he has done to me, Frankie. It’s what he could do. To you. The guy is a junkie, he hangs around with the wrong types. He has no direction, his focus is all about getting hammered. He is leading you astray and I don’t like it one bit. You need to back off.’ Kiefer pointed his finger on the table to emphasise each point.

  ‘You’re wrong, Kiefer. He has plenty of direction. He loves to cook and, well, the drugs thing, you’ve got to admit, it’s pretty entrepreneurial.’ I looked at Nancy for backup. She nodded and shrugged her shoulders.

  ‘He picks up some gear, take it round his mate’s house, exchanges it for money and splits the money with his man. A monkey could do it.’

  I looked down at the table. I was starting to feel defeated. Kiefer had it in for Todd and nothing I could say or do would make him change his mind.

  ‘Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see then,’ I said quietly.

  ‘See what?’ Kiefer leant forward in an exaggerated way, ‘You planning to elope or summin’?’

  I shook my head. ‘Just get off our case, Kiefer. Go and see Reese.’

  Kiefer pushed the chair back so it scraped against the floor and walked back towards the door.

  ‘Just try not to get into any trouble, won’t you, Frank, yeah? Use your intuition.’ He tapped the side of his head. ‘Don’t get suckered into anything you think is dodgy. You’re a clever girl. Don’t let that bozo drag you down.’ And he walked out of the kitchen.

  Nancy blew out her breath. ‘Phew! He’s got his knickers in a twist about your Todd.’

  I smiled. ‘My Todd.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Nancy smiled and pushed me playfully on the arm. ‘Your Todd.’

  I smiled some more as I liked the way it sounded. He was mine. I was his.

  ‘Ahh, don’t worry about what your bro there says. Just be happy for now. Todd’s a decent human being. When he’s not with those scumbags Zig and Zag. He’ll come through this. And then Kiefer will be gutted he made out Todd was such a nonce. I think you two are gonna make it.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, why not? Because Kiefer says you won’t? I know he’s your brother and you two are close, but he doesn’t kno
w the future. All I can see is good things.’ Nancy made a circle with both her hands as though she were looking into a crystal ball.

  I smiled and tried to see what Nancy was envisioning but all I could hear was my big brother’s parting words.

  38

  Now

  I had asked Mason for the morning off, to take Maddox to preschool and Pixie to school while Damian removed some of his belongings from the house. He had arranged to go over to a friend’s whose house had an annexe in the garden. It was the right amount of time and distance we needed to get things into perspective and decide where we needed to go next.

  ‘You need to ask Aimee if she can help out after school a few days. I can’t bring both the kids back to the annexe every day. It’s too small. I’ll have Maddox on his days off from nursery. This is going to cost us, Frankie,’ Damian said sternly, and I didn’t ask if he meant financially or emotionally. I felt it was all too late now anyway.

  I arrived at my desk just after midday with a sandwich and a bottle of sparkling water. Fish was in full sales mode on his phone while walking around the office but still managed to give that look which said, ‘Why are you late?’ I sat down and looked at my desk. Immediately my eyes were drawn to an envelope with my name on the front. It just said ‘Frankie’. Presuming it was from Mason, I ripped it open. Inside was a white piece of paper with grubby marks over it and the words

  Don’t keep hiding from the past. You know where to find me.

  I blew out a long breath. I did know where to find them.

  I saw a shadow fall across my desk. I slipped the note inside a folder.

  ‘Everything alright?’ Fish said.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Can I get you a coffee?’

  I smiled and then felt a wave of tears well up. ‘Yes, that would be great.’ I tried really hard to push the tears away.

  ‘Okay, Keegan, back in a tick.’

  Damian’s leaving should have felt like a breath of fresh air so why did I feel like a weight was suddenly lying heavy on my chest?

  I glanced over and saw that Penelope was at her desk. She looked subtly over her shoulder and I was aware she could see I was upset. She would have known I wasn’t here this morning and Mason would have informed her it was for personal reasons. I didn’t want her to know anything about my life. I didn’t want any of these people to know anything about my life. I couldn’t cope with sitting at this desk with all these strangers sussing me out, trying to assess who I was based on a morning off and a look of exasperation etched across my face. They didn’t know me. I half longed for my phone to ring, for it to be Mason asking me to come to his office, but it didn’t. Fish dropped the coffee off with a simple smile.

  I got down to work, occasionally peeping at the note inside the folder. I mulled over the scruffy handwriting, the dirty fingerprints all over it.

  I managed to complete a good bit of work and after an hour I called the preschool to check Maddox was okay as he had left the house with a slight sniffle. Then I put the basic ideas together for the hot sauce and sent an email to the designer to create a mock-up label.

  Somehow I managed to make it to 4 p.m. and got out of the main door only to bump into Mason as he was leaving his office.

  ‘Frankie. How is everything?’

  ‘Great, I have to go, sorry, I need to get the kids from our babysitter.’

  ‘I know, I know, it’s fine. I just wanted to check that you are okay? After the party?’

  I looked at Mason and I thought back to the night. The image came back to me of Mason taking Damian off and pouring him a drink.

  ‘Damian was wasted but I’m not entirely sure whose fault that was.’ I raised my eyes.

  Mason smiled, ‘Yes, sorry about that, I guess I was just in the party spirit, and I didn’t want Damian to feel uncomfortable.’

  ‘When you weren’t sneaking off to the bathroom to find me, you mean?’ I said, just as a colleague from finance came down the corridor.

  Mason nodded an acknowledgement to the man.

  ‘My door is open, any time, just come and see me,’ he said quietly.

  ‘What are we doing?’ I hissed.

  ‘We’re not doing anything. That’s the frustrating part,’ Mason whispered.

  I shook my head. ‘Look, I like you, I respect you, I bloody fancy you, yes…’

  ‘But?’

  ‘I can’t do this, Mason. This thing, whatever it is we’re doing. It has to end.’

  I pushed past Mason and headed out of the front door into the cool late afternoon air; the sun was already disappearing. I turned and I could see through the glass windows that Mason was still standing there watching me. His hands in his pockets. Then he turned and headed back into his office. A metre or so behind where Mason had been standing was Penelope. Panic set in as I thought about how long she could have been standing there and what she may have heard. I turned away from the window, pushed my head into my coat and began walking.

  As I walked home, I made sure I took the route that wouldn’t take me past the supermarket and the alleyway. I made it home by 4.30 p. m., safe in the knowledge that I was only going to need to pay Aimee for an hour of her time after school.

  As I rounded the corner to our house I did a double take at a car that looked like Nancy’s silver Lexus heading away in the other direction. As I stood there and watched it work its way around the corner, I was certain I could make out her profile in the driver’s seat.

  Nancy lived on the other side of town on the leafy outskirts, why would she be driving down this way and then not even pop in?

  I opened the door and heard the raucous chorus of two over-tired and hungry children. Maddox came running at me. ‘Mammy, Pixie hit me wiv her pencil case.’

  ‘No, I didn’t!’ Pixie shouted.

  Aimee appeared in the doorway. I scooped Maddox up and stroked his forehead and kissed his wet cheek.

  ‘Hi,’ I said to Aimee with a big sigh.

  ‘Hi,’ she mirrored back. With a grin. ‘I think they are getting hungry; they had a snack.’

  ‘It’s fine, thanks, Aimee, I’ll sort their dinner now. Thanks for doing this, should only be for a few weeks until we get some childcare in place. Damian has to be away for a little while after school hours, so…’

  I trailed off. Aimee looked at her feet then back at me. I wondered if she had already been upstairs and seen that most of Damian’s clothes had gone from his wardrobe.

  ‘I can help out, it’s not a problem, I mean, if you want me to. I would only be at the library after school, so it’s not a bother.’

  ‘Okay, thank you, Aimee, that would be a real help.’

  Aimee came down the hall past me and put on her trainers.

  ‘And thanks, Aimee.’

  As she opened the door I remembered Nancy driving off down the road.

  ‘Hey, did my Nancy pop by at all just now?’

  ‘No, I haven’t seen her today.’

  ‘Okay, not to worry.’

  ‘But we have literally just got back from the park. Stayed right up until the last bit of light. I’m sorry, they are really tired now.’

  ‘Oh right, so Nancy could have rung the doorbell while you were out?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose,’ Aimee said, grabbing her coat and giving Maddox a high five.

  I waved at the door with Maddox in my arms then went to the fridge and found some pesto and cheese. I put some pasta fusilli in a pan of water and began chopping tomatoes, red onions and olives for a salad. Pixie’s favourite.

  Once everything was prepared and on, I texted Nancy.

  Hey, did I see you drive down my road earlier?

  Maddox came careering into the lounge and was running around my feet. Once I was on my phone I decided to check social media and emails, I was distracted by some posts on a friend’s page, a family holiday she had just come back from.

  ‘Hey, Mummy, look at me!’

  ‘Yesssss,’ I said in the absent way I couldn’t help; it beca
me an unconscious act and I hated myself for it.

  ‘Mummy, look, look, look what I have!’

  ‘Yes, Maddox, lovely,’ I said, ignoring him. I continued to scroll.

  ‘Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. Mummy.’ Maddox bashed his ladybug ride along into my legs.

  ‘Ow, Maddox, that hurt Mummy’s… what have you got there, Maddox?’ I put down my phone and bent down to his level and took out of his flailing hand what was obviously to me a freshly rolled marijuana joint, but to a three year old was a small toy gun or sword. The joint end was twizzled around and sealed, as though it had been rolled ready to smoke and forgotten about. Damian and I hadn’t smoked joints for years, not since before the children.

  ‘Thank you, darling, Mummy take that.’

  ‘Ooooooohhhhhh,’ protested Maddox. ‘My sword!’ I took a plastic spatula from the kitchen side and handed it to him.

  ‘Go and find some flies to slay, my fly slayer.’

  ‘Okay, Mum.’ He scuttled off on his bug.

  I put the spliff to my nose and inhaled. A million memories engulfed me and I was suddenly drowning in nostalgia. I put the spliff on the shelf where the wine glasses were kept, too high even for Pixie to reach, and tried to work out who had dropped it.

  My phone pinged a text and I looked at it, it was from Nancy.

  Hey babe. On my way back from town so just swung by but you weren’t in. Obvs. x

  I bashed out my reply.

  You must have just missed me. Everything ok?

  I’m fine. How are you?

  Not so good. Damian moved out

  I waited a good three minutes before the reply came.

  How do you feel about it?

  Pretty shit. It’s not what I wanted or expected. He got totalled at Mason’s birthday dinner party and completely embarrassed me

  Shit. I didn’t know that

  Course you wouldn’t. Why would you?