Fear

by Nina Manning

  I meant Mason’s birthday. Didn’t know you were going to his house

  Yeah well, we did and it was awful. I had to practically carry Damian out after he completely insulted me in front of everyone

  Let me know if you want me to come over for a drink

  Sure, thanks. Can come to you?

  There was a break of about two minutes before Nancy’s reply came.

  Harry is away for a few weeks and the builders are here at the moment. It would be good to get out of the house. Can I come to you?

  * * *

  Great. Tomorrow night

  * * *

  Sure. Take it easy, don’t stress too much. It will all work itself out

  * * *

  Thanks

  I put my phone down on the side. Many people say that text messaging is bad for relationships as it’s hard to decipher precisely what the other person is saying without being able to hear their tone of voice or, even better, to be able to read their facial expressions. I felt an ache of unease after the text rally with Nancy, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

  I served the children’s dinner, much to Pixie’s delight, bathed them, read to them for a while and said goodnight, leaving Pixie with her lamp on to read the latest Matt Haig book. All the while I was doing these tasks, ones I had done a thousand times before, I was carrying with me a feeling; a regret, a doubt, I wasn’t sure, it was as though I had forgotten to do something. Once the children were tucked up in bed, I had a shower and tried to pinpoint my doubt. I thought about how I felt about Damian and him leaving. It was too soon to feel anything significant. I would see him often enough and right now it was like an ordinary work evening when we wouldn’t spend time together.

  After my shower I headed downstairs in a t-shirt and jogging trousers and stood next to the cooker. I sniffed the air for gas and checked all the appliances. I checked that the back door was locked and then I stood still in the same spot where I had been texting Nancy just a few hours ago. I began to replay the conversation in my head and then picked up my phone from the side. There was a text from Damian.

  Kiss the kids goodnight from me x

  I went straight back to the texts between me and Nancy from earlier. I scrolled through the messages and reread the part where Nancy said:

  I meant Mason’s birthday. Didn’t know you were going to his house

  I hadn’t spoken to Nancy for a few days. I hadn’t told her about Mason’s birthday party invite and what was blatantly obvious to me now was that even in our hurried text rally, I had not once mentioned that the party was at his house.

  39

  Now

  I woke with a start. I heard a fierce wind outside. But what had woken me sounded like a loud bang.

  I was used to sleeping peacefully these days because both children slept so well. For a second I presumed Damian had come home, that we would be having some sort of discussion about ‘us’ in the middle of the night and I would be going into work exhausted again. I looked at my phone; it was 1.30 a.m..

  I knew Damian kept a baseball bat under his side of the bed. We’d never played a game of baseball in our lives, he bought it purely for protection. I presumed all men had some sort of weapon they kept under the bed for ‘that day’ when they might need to release their inner Joe Pesci.

  Even when Damian wasn’t there, I still slept only on my side, leaving a significant gap in the bed. I rolled over to the other side, grabbed the bat and tiptoed down the stairs. When I reached the hallway, I thought I saw a shadow through the glass pane in the front door. I froze, cursing myself for not bringing my phone. Perhaps I should go back upstairs to call the police? The shadow disappeared and I took a few more steps forwards.

  I looked through the peep hole. I couldn’t see anyone, but I was sure the noise came from outside. I raced upstairs two at a time and grabbed my phone from the bedside table. I was going out. I reached the front door and opened it slowly, peering round the edge into the night. The front step was illuminated by the porch light and I could see clearly what the commotion had been. Again, to my right, the plant pot I had only just replaced was on its side and smashed. As I came out from behind the door, I could see the second bay tree also on the floor and the pot smashed. I stole a look along each side of the road but I couldn’t see anyone. With my heart pounding and my feet freezing, I quickly stepped back into the house, double locked and chained the door and went to the kitchen. I instinctively pulled a bottle of wine from the fridge, poured myself half a glass and drank it down hurriedly.

  I poured a second glass and began to relax a little. I sat on the sofa in the kitchen and began to mull everything over.

  Just as the letter on my desk at work had said, I needed to confront my past. It also said, ‘You know where to find me.’

  And I did.

  I knew that by lunchtime tomorrow I would have all of this cleared up. The person who had been trying to mess with my life these last few weeks was about to be stopped right in their tracks.

  40

  September 1998

  I was in a basement flat filled with smoke so heavy it was like being on a country road when foggy. I couldn’t see anyone in the room. I was stoned. I had skipped college to be here.

  I didn’t know whose flat it was. I couldn’t remember now. But I was sure I knew what was going to happen next. And I had to make sure he was okay. Because I loved him. He hadn’t told me, but I knew. When you love someone, you protect them. I knew he didn’t really know what he was doing and that this was just a phase and I knew he would come out the other end and we would be happy and healthy and get married and have children and everyone would say, look at those two, they’ve been together since they were kids, now that’s true love. I knew our kids would be cute and funny with messy crazy hair like his but I wouldn’t try to control it and I’d let them run wild in their bare feet and we’d take them to festivals and keep partying and our kids would fall asleep in our arms next to the fire. He’d be holding one and I would be holding the other one and we’d look at one another over the flames and the fire would reflect in his eyes and then he would smile the smile that engulfed his whole face.

  ‘Frankie.’ A voice came through my thoughts.

  ‘What?’

  Someone handed me tea. But it wasn’t him. We had been sitting together, so close, and now he was gone. I needed to find him.

  Then I saw him through the smoke. Todd stood up and walked across the room and then someone followed him. I was too stoned to move, but I knew what was happening, and I knew I had to go and make it stop somehow. My homing beacon kicked in and I needed to be where I could relax in my own room and sleep. I summoned some strength and lifted myself out of the chair. I stepped over a sea of bodies on floors and legs poking out from sofas and made my way out of the front door.

  41

  Now

  I woke up with hazy vision. The shower had done nothing to ease the dull ache in my head. I had promised myself one drink to help me get back to sleep but that turned into finishing the bottle at 2 a.m.. I headed downstairs. It was still dark outside but I had to check I hadn’t dreamt it, that there were two smashed pots. And as I opened the door I could see that they were still there on the floor as I had left them last night. But then there was something else, something I hadn’t seen last night; maybe it was too dark to notice, but even as I thought the words, I knew I was kidding myself. I had stood for a good thirty seconds on the doorstep assessing the damage last night and I knew I wouldn’t have missed it. A small green car. Another toy Mini Cooper, identical to the one I had in the house, was on the top doorstep just by my feet. So this couldn’t be the same one. And I realised that when I looked out of the door last night the intruder had still been close by and had left it after I had closed the door. I shuddered as I bent down to pick it up.

  From the kitchen I could hear one of the children stirring and moving around upstairs. I took the first Mini Cooper toy car from the nook in the kitchen and put i
t on the counter next to the one I had just found outside.

  Then suddenly I could see it all coming back to me in flashbacks and I had to grab the counter and focus on my breathing for a few minutes. I focused on the colour of the white surface, the clock ticking on the wall, anything other than the feeling of my body flooding with terror. If this was what they wanted, to punish me by terrorising me, then they were succeeding.

  I knew it was time to get this over with. Once I got my breathing back to normal, I looked at the wall whilst I still clung onto the counter and thought about everything that had happened to me. I wondered if it had something to do with the twenty year anniversary and suddenly felt middle-aged, and I wondered if the person who was trying to scare me had maybe had some sort of an awakening.

  I had allowed myself to let go of any repetitive thoughts over the hotel room number in Belgium. I decided it was just synchronicity. In this great big universe we exist in, some things are just that.

  I clung to the counter; my fingertips had started to turn white.

  ‘Mummy, are you having mental cramps?’

  Pixie’s voice was behind me. I spun round.

  ‘No.’ I smiled at her mix up of words. ‘I was just stretching out my legs. Are you ready? Have you brushed your teeth?’

  ‘Yes, but Maddox has spilt toothpaste all over his top.’

  I let out a huge sigh then tried to cover it up with a smile to Pixie. I headed upstairs, dealt with the toothpaste situation and helped Maddox get dressed. By seven thirty I had them assembled by the door for Damian to collect and take to breakfast club.

  When Damian arrived I could see he looked tired, as though he had been up all night. He had dark streaks under his eyes. At least I had the magic of makeup to cover up my bags after only four hours’ sleep. I stepped back away from him, conscious that I might smell of booze.

  I made myself walk the route to work I wouldn’t normally take. I stayed on the other side of the road from the supermarket and stole a look down the alley and saw three figures standing there; I didn’t recognise any of them. The sun was low in the sky, obscuring my vision to my right. I squinted to see more but I couldn’t. I felt a pain in my head and wished I had taken some paracetamol before I left for the office. The business of the street unnerved me and I longed for the sanctuary of my desk. Then, out of the corner of my left eye, I saw a figure approaching the alley carrying a plastic bag. I was pretty sure I knew the contents. For some reason, I decided to smooth down my skirt under my coat before checking the traffic and making my way across the road.

  One of the figures was crouched next to a small Staffordshire bull terrier who was curled up in a pile of blankets. I bent down to pet him.

  ‘He’s sweet, what’s his name?’

  ‘Blue. ’Cos of his colour.’ The man had several front teeth missing and spoke with a lisp. ‘Don’t suppose you got change for a night in the hostel?’ He got to his feet and paced about with his hands in his pockets.

  ‘Oh, erm, yes.’ I reached into my bag, took out my purse and handed him a note.

  ‘Ahh, thanks, cheers, means a million.’ He bent down and showed the dog the money. ‘Look, Blue, we can sleep in the warm tonight.’ Blue sniffed the note and I smiled at them both. As I observed this act of love I felt as though I too were being watched. I looked up to see a man leaning on the wall of the alleyway, his eyes on me.

  I nervously stepped past Blue and his master and found myself face to face with a rough beard and bloodshot eyes.

  ‘Francesca. Long time, no see,’ Todd smiled and spoke in the same tone of voice I had always known him to have; soft yet slightly gravelly. There was a slightly pungent smell coming from him that was a mixture of alcohol and body odour. Even though he looked more gaunt than when I knew him, I could see a flicker of the man I remembered behind those smiling eyes. I felt a fluttering inside my stomach, a muscle memory, maybe, of the way he had made me feel every day for those few months twenty years ago.

  I looked down at my feet.

  ‘And still as shy as you always were.’

  ‘I wasn’t shy,’ I said. ‘Just unsure of myself. I know myself better now, thank you, Todd,’ I said assertively.

  ‘Well, you look good for it.’ Todd stopped looking at me and took out nothing more than a stump of a rolled cigarette, or possibly a spliff, from behind his ear. ‘I don’t suppose you still…’

  ‘No, nothing,’ I said with no tone to my voice. I glanced along the street hoping I didn’t see anyone I knew.

  He lit the rolled cigarette and immediately I smelt the scent of marijuana.

  ‘I would invite you in, but I’ve not cleared up.’ Todd pointed to the alleyway.

  I smiled because I felt uncomfortable standing at the edge of the alley that Todd was referring to as his home.

  ‘So, shall we walk instead?’ I suggested.

  Todd nodded and pointed in the direction of the top of town where there was a large green park and plenty of benches. I typed out a quick message to Mason explaining I would be half an hour late. His response came back promptly.

  Sure, no problem. Hope everything ok x

  We walked in silence as we navigated our way through the morning crowds and over the pelican crossing to the green. I gestured to a bench nestled between two large oak trees that was dappled in hazy autumnal light. It seemed like such a romantic spot to sit, somewhere a young couple might meet on their lunchbreak, away from the hustle and bustle.

  Todd sat down with a sigh that bordered on a groan, and I was aware that there was a possibility he could be in pain. I sat about twelve inches away from him.

  ‘I got your note.’

  Todd nodded. ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘It was you then?’

  ‘Who wrote the note? Yeah, course.’

  ‘So what’s the deal. Why are you trying to freak me out?’

  Todd zipped his coat tighter up to his neck and hunched his shoulders. ‘I see you all the time, Frankie. I know you know where I hang out… live, whatever you want to call it. And I know you saw me at the restaurant that night. Your husband stormed out and left you alone.’

  ‘And why were you there?’

  ‘Taking a stroll.’

  ‘Right.’ I snorted. ’Why wait all this time to start trying to freak me out? You know where I live?’

  ‘Of course I know, I am the eyes and ears of this town. People ignore me, they think I am scum, I get overlooked, trodden on, stepped on, stepped over, spat on, beaten up.’

  I sucked in my breath. Todd’s words were hitting a nerve.

  ‘But I still know people. And it doesn’t take many conversations to work out where you’re living. This town isn’t so big,’ Todd said.

  ‘I’m sorry things are so bad for you, Todd,’ I said.

  ‘I didn’t tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, but where people don’t see me, I see them. I hear everything too. Stuff you wouldn’t believe, conversations, people having affairs. I saw a girl raped once.’

  I recoiled at this information.

  ‘So what do you do? Just walk around the town looking for things to discover. What made you suddenly start on me after twenty years?’

  Todd was quiet for a long time. He let a loud sigh.

  ‘You were the nicest person to me. You were always there. Until, well, you know. And it’s tough. I’ve been on the streets nearly three years. It’s getting tougher. My parents disowned me after everything and things got worse over time. I couldn’t seem to keep a job. I never really got my own place.

  ‘But I see people, they know who I am, but no one stops to say hi, check in on me. I can get in a hostel some nights, but I save it up for winter mostly. I have pains, all over. Some nights I feel like I can’t breathe. I itch. The winter is so cold. Cold like you have never known. Everything hurts. I’m falling apart. I don’t know how much longer I can go on.’

  ‘So you thought you’d get my attention by trying to terrorise me?’

  ‘I’d hardly c
all it that?’

  ‘Then what do you call it, Todd?’

  ‘It was a letter, I thought if I added a bit of something to it, to get your attention. You know I was never one for soppy love letters.’

  ‘But what about everything else, the birthday card, the text messages, the car through my letter box.’

  Todd looked at me and frowned. ‘What? Not sure what you’re talking about there. I wrote you one note because I have reached the point where I am not sure I can carry on any more.’

  I edged closer to him on the bench. Todd glanced sideways at me. How could I think he was the one behind all of this. This was my Todd. And we were sat here together as though a day hadn’t passed. Except that I had allowed many days to turn into years.

  ‘Okay, Todd.’ I started speaking slowly and carefully. ‘You’re telling me you haven’t done anything except send me a note at work. Yet you admit you know where I live and you saw me out eating dinner with Damian and you know he’s my husband, yet you’re claiming innocence over everything else?’

  ‘I was outside the restaurant by pure fluke, I don’t stalk people. I am far too tired for that. I had been beaten up. Kicked on by some trashy youths. I took a stroll until they left and my mates got back.’

  ‘And how do you know where I live then?’

  ‘I spoke to Reese, she told me where you worked as well. But I’ve seen you walk into that building enough times already. You forget this town is small, people know people. I don’t know the exact house where you live. Just the road. Very nice. Very up and coming.’