Fear

by Nina Manning

  It was telling me it was time to face the past. I knew Damian thought I hadn’t dealt with my demons, but I knew how I felt when I was pouring all my emotions out in those books, it was cathartic. So why did I feel as though it wasn’t finished, as though after all those years of trying to make my grief go away it was still there?

  I slid off the bed onto the floor and crawled to the wardrobe where the safe had sat untouched for years. Damian always complained, what a waste of space, we could use it for storing valuables. I ignored his rants. I twisted the lock backwards and forwards between the four numbers: 2461. Don’t be scared this time, Frankie, I told myself. Just open the door and pull out the damn diaries. Nothing bad is going to happen. But I knew that by doing this I was bringing the past back. Yet with Todd suddenly in my life again, the anonymous fortieth birthday card for Kiefer, all the texts I had been receiving, I knew the past had already caught up with me.

  The numbers clicked and the safe opened. I tentatively opened the door and saw the flash of coloured books, pinks, greens and blues. The memory of when I was handed them was so vivid it was as though it were yesterday when I had been told to take all the pain out of my heart and put it in the books. I let out a long sigh and slowly put my hand into the safe and took out the top book. The outside cover remained intact and they still almost looked brand new. The top book was green. I brought it to my lap and looked at it for a moment before opening it. My eyes tried to take in what was sprawled across the first page. I started turning the pages, seeing more and more of the same thing, yet unable to believe my own eyes. I took out a handful of notebooks and turned the pages again, trying to remember the angry and frustrated mind of a sixteen year old girl.

  How could it be? How could I have not remembered what I had written? My entire recollection of my sixteen year old self was a total contrast to what I was seeing here.

  I eventually found my way halfway through the final book where it all just stopped and there were blank pages all the way to the end. I looked at the first blank page, then stood up with the book in hand, went to my dressing table, took out a pen from the drawer, then sat down and began writing.

  November 2018

  I have tried so hard to make it all disappear, the thoughts, the anger, the frustration. I thought it had gone away, but with everything that has happened recently, I realised that it’s still so raw. I can’t believe you are gone, not now and not then. Twenty years have gone by and still I wake up every day and the first thing I think about is you. Sometimes I imagine what you would be doing now, what kind of job you would have, would you like hot or cold holidays, would you prefer books to films. You were so young when you went, that you hadn’t even had time to become who you were going to be for the rest of your life or find out just what wonders were awaiting you. I bet it would have been something amazing.

  I think about our memories. The stuff we did as kids, the laughs we had. The way we held hands in bed at Christmas when we were tiny, too excited to sleep but too scared to be alone in case one of us woke and found Father Christmas in the room with us.

  Other times I think about the day you died, the way you were lying across the driver’s seat, your head tilted to one side as though you had just lain down for a nap.

  I think about the way my life is now without you in it, how I suffer every day without you. How I must think how to breathe some days. But most of all, beyond all of that I remember that day you died as though it were yesterday. I play it over and over in my mind, toying with alternative endings, trying to bring you back to life in my mind with all the ‘if onlys’ I can possibly imagine. But it’s no good, no matter what ending I conjure up it will never ever prevent what happens to you in the end. The decisions we made did not come from you, you who were always so clever, so careful and diligent with your driving, they came from me. Forced upon you by me. I made those decisions; I made the things happen that led up to the crash. It was my fault you are dead and I cannot forgive myself, so I punish myself every day with the choices I make, the way I treat my body instead of taking care of it. But the thing is, twenty years later I have realised I can no longer keep on going like this, punishing myself. Because of course, I wasn’t the only one to blame. There was someone else. All I can do now as I write this in my diary is say: this is my confession.

  I am sorry for what I am about to do but I can no longer hold it in.

  46

  October 1998

  Todd had been off the gear for nearly two weeks. He said there were times when he thought about it but being with me made it all better.

  There was a party coming up. I was nervous about it, and how Todd would be, if he would need to take anything stronger. When I asked Nancy if she was coming, she said she and Minty were taking a break from it all for a while, they wanted to try other things and had booked a weekend away in Skegness. I asked her what she intended to do in Skeg-bloody-ness in the middle of autumn and she said, ‘Walk, talk, throw pebbles in the sea.’

  I knew Nancy was always older than her years, so was Minty. I was happy for them. I would miss them at the party but I had Todd and he was trying really hard. It would be just us, me and Todd, and we would do all the things we did before he even looked at heroin. We would dance and laugh and then smoke and giggle. I couldn’t wait. I had booked the day off work on the Sunday and the clocks went back so we had an extra hour in the morning to ourselves.

  There was only one thing that was throwing a dampener on the night and that was Kiefer. He kept asking me if I was going and when I said I was, he would start rubbing his jaw and acting all stressed.

  ‘Why, Frank, why? Why do you keep hanging around with that loser? You know there’s talk of a raid?’

  ‘There’s always talk of a bloody raid, isn’t that what you said made the nights more exciting? Just living in the moment, knowing they could be shut down at any second?’

  ‘Yeah, well, I got a feeling this one might actually happen.’

  ‘Todd isn’t doing anything bad, Kiefer. He’s clean.’

  Kiefer looked aggrieved. ‘Yeah well, you aren’t going to be dancing all night on a spliff, now are you?’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Kiefer, can you just give it a rest!’ I shouted.

  ‘I can’t, Frankie. Don’t you get it? You’re my sister. You’re all I’ve got!’

  I frowned at him. ‘You have Reese,’ I said quietly.

  ‘I mean you’re my only family. Mum and Dad aren’t exactly compos mentis most of the time. It’s always been just us, hasn’t it. You look out for me and I look out for you?’

  I hung my head, feeling the effects of Kiefer’s words. I knew he was a good brother, always had one eye on me, but since I had taken an interest in Todd he had become an irritation to me. I had begun to overlook his caring side and instead see it as an inconvenience.

  I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another. Mine and Kiefer’s love for one another had always been a given, something undisclosed between the two of us. We never mentioned it, but we felt it deeply.

  ‘I just want you to know, I am being careful. I will never do any of that stuff that Todd did, even when his mates are around trying to shove it down his neck. I stood by him and now he’s off it,’ I said.

  ‘Whatever you say, Frankie. I trust you, I don’t trust him. I never have and I never will.’

  I just stood there. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I was never going to be able to change Kiefer’s mind about Todd.

  ‘Are you coming tonight?’

  He shook his head. ‘It sounds dodgy. Me and Reese and a few lads are gonna head out to Lola’s.’ Lola’s was a club out on the bypass towards the next city. People went there after the pubs shut.

  ‘It’s gonna be a good night, sure I can’t tempt you to go there instead of this party?’

  ‘Nah,’ I said straight away. I had my heart set on that night. I was sixteen. I made decisions and wasn’t swayed easily. If I wanted to do something, I made damn sure it happened
. If people cancelled or a night didn’t happen it was essentially the end of the world in my eyes. I was blinkered. As much as I knew Kiefer loved me and cared for me, I had to do what I wanted to do and if that meant screwing his feelings once more, then that’s just what I needed to do right now.

  47

  Now

  They discharged Todd the next day and I was to pick him up at 5 p.m.. I rushed through my day, barely able to concentrate.

  I had been building up to what this day would entail, but I knew what I needed to do. I got home from work and made the futon up with fresh linen. I had slept the occasional night on that bed and it was a killer on the back, but I imagined it would feel like luxury to Todd. I looked at the bed and my mind was cast back to the days we slept on a futon at his house and I wondered if Todd would remember too.

  I wondered what it would be like to have him sleeping here in this house with me, having spent many nights together as a couple. I knew I needed to forget about that for now, and just think that I was helping out a friend in need. To finish the job I started twenty years ago.

  I raced home from work and Aimee handed over the kids and went home.

  I had texted Damian to say we were all down with a stomach bug to keep him away from the house. He had a phobia of sick, always ran for the hills whenever one of the kids was ill, so I knew that this was the best way of not seeing or speaking to him for a few days.

  I had no desire to get into any arguments with him just yet about all that had gone on. I had decided to deal with one thing at a time and had surprised myself with just how disciplined I was being. Since I had gone to help Todd a few days ago all the weird stuff just seemed to stop. It was as though now I had something to really focus on, helping Todd feel he had something to live for, it felt as though I had imagined it all. Except I knew I hadn’t.

  I had told the kids that Daddy was living at a friend’s house because he had an important job to do and it was easier for him to sleep there. I decided I didn’t need to overwhelm them with the intricacies of what was happening with us emotionally or my fears over Damian’s current state of mind and what he was capable of doing. They were, as I had expected, fairly nonchalant about it and so far there had been very few questions except one from Maddox: ‘What colour is Daddy’s new bed?’

  I had asked the nurse to tell Todd to wait for me in the car park and I had prepped the kids for his appearance.

  ‘He won’t look as neat and as well presented as me or Daddy.’ As I used Damian as an example of what a real man should look like I shuddered at the memory of what had happened in Pixie’s room.

  ‘He’s an old friend of Mummy’s and he has fallen on hard times. We do not judge people when they are down. We help them rise up again.’

  Pixie nodded firmly at me while Maddox looked on with a perplexed expression.

  Pixie was all over it and had been doing some research online about the homeless. I had to remind her not to bombard him with her newly acquired statistics.

  Todd got into the front passenger seat.

  ‘Hi,’ I said, unsure how else to greet him; a kiss on the cheek was out of the question with the kids in the back.

  ‘Hey,’ Todd said. He was pale and had dark rings around his eyes.

  I introduced him to Pixie and Maddox, and he turned around in the front seat, smiled and said it was nice to meet them.

  ‘Cool names,’ he turned back to me, ‘I always knew you’d have cool kids.’ His voice was small and croaky. I noticed his beard had patches where some hair was missing. He was wearing the clothes he had gone to the hospital in.

  I stole a glance at Pixie in the rear view mirror and she gave me one of her nervous grins.

  As I drove us home I couldn’t quite believe what I was doing. I had dreamt of doing these random acts of kindness before, just scooping a poor homeless person of the street and bringing them into my home, feeding them up and then getting them back on their feet, finding them a job and a home, but the reality of bringing a total stranger with dependencies and mental health issues was too much of a risk for the kids. Plus it was never the sort of thing that Damian would have ever agreed to. The only thing driving me on was that I knew it was Todd. I had to just keep seeing him as that cute lovable guy we knew all those years ago. He was in trouble from the day you met him and no one helped him out, I reminded myself. I should have been there for him. But in the end, I couldn’t be. He’s the same guy, I told myself. He didn’t know any better. You’re doing the right thing. I stole a look at him out of the corner of my eye as I drove, in that momentary glance he almost looked like the same Todd, and I felt my heart fill with sadness.

  Once we were back home, I told the kids to go and watch some TV but they both insisted on following me round as I helped Todd settle in. Pixie was especially keen on being the tour guide and giving Todd all the mundane information about each room, such as: the cold tap in the downstairs loo was dodgy and the toilet upstairs only worked on the long flush, not the short. Todd smiled and nodded along until both kids got bored and went to pick out a film to watch.

  Todd and I suddenly found we were alone in the spare room, both looking down at the bed I had made up yesterday.

  ‘It’s a futon,’ I said with a laugh, ‘like—’

  ‘I know, Frank. I remember.’ Todd looked at me and held my gaze and under all the beard and raw skin and the stench that was coming off him I could still see the old Todd.

  ‘I remember it all,’ he said. ‘That night, what happened.’

  ‘Don’t,’ I said quietly. ‘I don’t think about it any more,’ I lied. I just wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

  ‘Sure. What’s the plan, then?’ Todd asked.

  ‘Well, I thought you could have a shower, have a bath, I bet you’d love a bath? I have some Epsom salts. Then I have cooked some supper. It’s just spaghetti bolognaise—’

  ‘I meant the plan, the big plan,’ Todd gestured with his arms around the room, ‘you saving me and all.’

  ‘You asked,’ I said with some offence in my voice.

  ‘I know,’ Todd said. ‘That’s the shittiest bit. I had to come to you, it should have been the other way around. I should have been looking after you. How can you do this, why would you help me?’

  ‘Because you asked me to,’ I said.

  ‘And that’s it? Did it ever occur to you that I am not a good guy?’

  ‘Todd, shut up. You are a good guy. You have had a rough few years, but life can change, it doesn’t have to be like that any more. I can’t change what happened that night and why I couldn’t see you again, but I can make a difference now.’

  ‘And that will make it all better. Will it give you peace?’

  I shook my head. ‘There’s no such thing with two kids in the house.’ I tried to laugh off Todd’s comment. He looked at me deadpan. ‘No, of course not. But it’s not making things any worse is it? So why not? You need the help; I can help you!’

  ‘And what about your husband?’

  ‘He and I are separated at the moment. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but he is not going to come here any time soon, and that reminds me, please don’t answer the door when I’m not here.’

  ‘Hey.’ Todd put his hands up. ‘You don’t have to worry about me, Francesca. I’ll be the perfect house guest.’

  ‘Okay. Great.’ I smiled. The smell of him was now filling up the room around us. ‘I’ll go and run that bath.’

  Half an hour later Todd came down, dressed in some old trackie bottoms and a t-shirt of Damian’s that I had left out on the bed. I also left out razors and deodorant. He hadn’t bothered to shave but the room instantly took on the scent of a freshly bathed person and so I was relieved.

  We ate around the table; Maddox flashing looks across at Todd. I realised it must be very confusing for him and so I made a mental note to talk to him at bedtime, tell him that Todd wasn’t someone who had come in to replace his daddy.

  I had imagined that Todd would w
olf his food down like a man who had been trekking the Andes for weeks, but he nibbled politely at the bread and ate less than a Maddox portion of spaghetti.

  He looked sad and I realised it wasn’t going to be the easy transformation I had anticipated, and I was suddenly panicked about what it was I was hoping to achieve here.

  ‘If you need to rest, you’re more than welcome to go on up,’ I said looking at the clock. It was only 6 p.m. but he looked weary.

  ‘Yeah, I should.’ Todd looked at the kids. ‘Dinner was lush, isn’t your mummy clever?’

  Pixie looked at me with one of her embarrassed smiles again.

  Todd took himself upstairs and I cleaned and washed up and then got the kids in the bath. Once they were in bed, I walked past the spare room which was for now, Todd’s room, and saw the light was still on. I knocked gently and opened the door; he had been lying facing the wall and as I entered he rolled onto his back and looked at me. He wasn’t under the covers.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I whispered.

  ‘Yep. I’m good,’ he whispered back.

  I moved a little further into the room.

  ‘I know this will be hard, but honestly, just ask me if you need anything. I want to be here for you, Todd. Don’t feel embarrassed or scared, okay?’ I said in a slightly louder whisper.

  ‘Okay, Frankie. Thanks. You’re a good girl. You always were.’