Fear

by Nina Manning

  I smiled and retreated from the room, pulling the door back to where it was.

  I wandered around downstairs, checking and rechecking the windows and back door and front door. Then I realised I hadn’t checked or looked at my phone for hours. There were seven voice messages. The first was from the hospital to say that there was a bag of personal belongings of Todd’s that had been taken from his jacket when he was brought in which they had forgotten to give me and could I come and collect it. The other six were all from Damian. The first one began calmly and by the sixth one he was screaming down the phone. He had been reliably informed that I had been seen coming into the house with a man with the kids today and could I please call him to tell him exactly what the fucking hell was going on. Of course, it was Harriet who would have told him.

  I quickly sent a text to Damian explaining that he must have been mistaken and someone must have crossed paths with us as we came home from the pharmacy today. I explained I had gone out to buy Dioralyte for me and the kids for our dodgy tummies.

  His response was:

  I’ll be over tomorrow to check on my kids

  ‘Fuck,’ I said. I put the phone down, put my hands over my face and rubbed my eyes. When I removed my hands I let out yelp.

  Todd was standing in the doorway looking at me.

  ‘Shit, Todd, you scared me,’ I walked a little closer. He was shaking. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Yeah, my body has gone into hypo I reckon. Don’t suppose you have any ganj, do you?’

  I laughed and then I suddenly remembered the spliff that Maddox had found and played with. I still hadn’t worked out where it could have come from. But I had a sneaky suspicion it belonged to Damian.

  We settled in the snug with the window open an inch. I let Todd have a toke first and then I took a few tokes. It hit me almost immediately, but it was nice and reminded me of the old days. We could have been back there together, just us two. We chatted quietly and I asked him, probably too many times, if he was okay. I watched him as he began to doze softly on the sofa and was taken back to the times we spent together; although greyer round the edges and looking the worse for wear, he still had that same face, those same eyes, that same mouth I had kissed a thousand times. I was almost tempted to climb on to his lap and remind myself of the tenderness. But instead I let the marijuana envelop me and as I started to fall asleep, I dreamt of another Todd and me together in another time.

  48

  October 1998

  Kiefer insisted we ate in the pub for his twentieth birthday, which had been a few days previously. We only ever ate together when it was someone’s birthday and it was usually a takeaway at home. But Mum and Dad wouldn’t come out on a weekday so we saved the celebrations for Saturday night. There was a pub just down the road from our house that sold Dad’s favourite bitter and did chips in baskets, which Mum saw as a treat, so we met them there.

  I was fidgety and kept thinking about the evening and what I was going to wear.

  Mum had bought Kiefer a toolkit and wanted to give it to him. I remember how he declined the birthday pint of beer Dad wanted to buy him because he was driving, and a pint was too much. He had only passed his test a few months before and it was all still such a novelty. I watched Kiefer as he sat and ate his chicken, wiping the grease from his chin with napkin after napkin, and smirking at how he was making such a mess of it, but not caring because it was just us four and it was so rare we ate together. When we got up to leave and go off and do our separate things on that Saturday evening, Kiefer off to Lola’s with Reese and me off to meet Todd to go to the party in the warehouse, we both kissed our mum and dad.

  I noticed then that as Kiefer leant in for a kiss, Dad’s arm, always slightly shaky from the nerves that had taken over his life at such a young age, grabbed hold of Kiefer’s as they embraced; as though he wanted to cling on to his son for a few precious seconds. And so he did, his hand a bony grip already slightly rigid with arthritis.

  In this crazy wild journey called life, those are the things that stick in my head, the things I look back on and remember with such poignancy, despite all the big things we go on to do in life: get married, have kids, buy houses, travel the world. When I recall memories it’s those moments that play out so perfectly in my mind: a meal, a chat, an awkward embrace.

  A kiss.

  The last kiss.

  49

  Now

  I had slept the entire night on the sofa and I felt like hell for it. Todd was still asleep on the opposite sofa. It was early, barely 6 a.m.. I knew Maddox would be up within the hour but I didn’t wish to wake Todd who looked like he was having the best sleep he’d had in years.

  For the first time in a long while I didn’t feel like going into work. I decided to call in sick. Half the office was off anyway, and Penelope hadn’t been in for days.

  I went to the kitchen to make coffee. Even though it was early I texted Aimee to ask her if she could take the children to school today.

  I was sure Todd would feel better if I collected his things from the hospital and that he would feel more comfortable having a couple of personal items close by.

  I was surprised yet again when Aimee replied just ten minutes later. It was only just gone 6 a.m..

  I looked up and saw Todd standing in the doorway. He looked like a small child, there in joggers and sweatshirt, his thick straw-like hair standing to one side. I didn’t want to be imagining it but somehow, he looked better, like those eight or nine hours of sleep on a warm cosy sofa had made a huge difference to him.

  ‘Hi,’ I said softly.

  ‘Hi,’ he said and came to the island and took a seat.

  ‘Coffee?’

  ‘Can’t remember the last time I heard that in the morning,’ Todd said, ruffling his hair to try to straighten it out but making no difference. I had always liked it that way anyway, it was like a separate entity and not part of his body. I thought of how many times I had run my hands through that hair.

  ‘You left some bits at the hospital so I’ll go and collect them for you today,’ I said as I busied myself with making coffee.

  ‘Oh, right, thanks. It won’t be much. Basic stuff. Did you, er… so do you need me to look after the kids?’ Todd said with panic in his voice.

  ‘No, it’s fine. We have a babysitter. You just need to stay here and rest. I’ll get Aimee to take them to school.’

  ‘Oh, okay.’ Relief permeated his voice.

  Aimee arrived a few hours later. The kids were dressed but slightly perturbed that they were being taken to school by Aimee and not me.

  I walked them outside. ‘It’s just for today,’ I said, zipping up Pixie’s coat and kissing her nose and ruffling Maddox’s hair. I went and stood next to my car as I waved them off down the street. I turned instinctively to look at the huge bay window. I saw Todd standing there. He was staring after the kids. Then he turned, noticed me looking and slipped back into the shadows.

  I drove to the hospital, parked up and paid for a ticket even though I was only popping in for five minutes. I headed to the area where Todd had been taken in. I walked through the double doors to the small reception desk where a woman sat.

  ‘Hi, I have come to collect Todd Wilson’s belongings, he was discharged yesterday?’

  She reached down under the counter and pulled out a clear plastic bag and handed it to me.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, looking down at the bag, shocked by the weight of it. I had expected a few insignificant items, a lighter, cigarettes, a beaded bracelet like the ones Todd used to wear when we were younger. When I looked down, I saw through the plastic a dark rectangular shape. When I turned the bag over and looked closer I could see it was a mobile phone.

  I sat in the car, unable to move, just staring at the phone through the plastic. Todd had been unmoved by the idea of me going to the hospital to collect his belongings, he had made no claim to a mobile phone, but here it was in a bag amongst three lighters, a tiny dirty notebook, some screwed up r
eceipts, and a supermarket gift card.

  I took out the phone, and began to inspect it. It was turned off. It was a simple small Nokia phone. New looking. The screen was unscratched. I thought that was strange considering Todd had been living rough although it wasn’t unusual to see the homeless with mobile phones; this type probably cost next to nothing to buy brand new. There were no fancy bells or whistles. It was for ringing and sending texts only.

  It was a seamless action as I pressed the on button and it fired to life. No code. Without any hesitation or thought for what I was really doing or indeed might discover I took my own phone out and scrolled down to the messages I had received recently from the unrecognised number. I went into the info of the message which took me to the number. I pressed the phone icon and sat still for few seconds with both phones in my hand, mine in my right, Todd’s in my left. I watched in sheer horror as the phone in my left hand sprang to life; vibrating and lighting up as my name appeared on the screen.

  I would look back on the drive home and not be able to recall it at all. When I pulled up outside my house I immediately called the police who instructed me to stay in the car. Two police officers, one man and one woman, arrived ten minutes later and got out of the estate car rather too casually for my liking. They wandered over to my window with precision and no speed. My heart was hammering in my chest. I was paralysed with fear. Fear for having put the kids in danger by allowing Todd into the house, but also fear for what would now happen to Todd. None of this was his fault. If I had been able to help him earlier on in life, he wouldn’t feel such injustice.

  I sat shaking in the car. Terrified to go and face Todd.

  The police took both phones and tallied up the messages. I explained our past, who Todd was to me, the anonymous birthday card, the replicas of Kiefer’s car that came through my letter box late at night and on my doorstep. The male officer talked to me through the car door. I tried to focus on his words.

  ‘There isn’t anything of any threat on these messages so there’s nothing we can do with regards to those. All we can do is escort Mr Wilson from your premises and drop him off somewhere of his choosing. Of course, if he shows up threatening you, call us immediately.’

  I felt sick at all that I had done, how we had all slept under the same roof. I wondered what he might have stolen, then at the same time I felt sick at what I had put Todd through, I had promised to help him, he had reached out to me, but of course, it all had to have been a ploy to get into my house, where he had wanted to be all along. He said he knew where I lived, lying that he didn’t know the exact house but only the street. Of course he knew my house. He had put that toy replica car through the letter box and the fortieth birthday card. Only he knew me well enough to do all these things.

  I thought I was going to throw up.

  ‘Just called for a couple of extra officers to help us remove Mr Wilson from the property. We don’t know how strong he is,’ said the female officer.

  ‘He’s big, but not that strong.’ I thought how the streets had stripped the fat and muscle from him and how he was a skinny body on that tall frame. But the body was capable of amazing strength in times of stress and I didn’t know how Todd would react.

  Two minutes later another car appeared, and two male police officers got out. I felt terrible for all the fuss I had caused. Four police here just because of what I had done.

  ‘Can you get out of the car, Mrs Keegan, and open the front door for us,’ one of the male officers from the second car said.

  ‘Oh yes, yes, of course.’ I got out of the car and fumbled in my handbag for my house keys. I walked uncertainly to the front door, not knowing what would happen. The male and female officer went around through the side gate and I stepped back to let the two male police officers in.

  ‘Where might Mr Wilson be?’ one said to me.

  ‘Erm, upstairs or in the kitchen?’

  One police officer bounded up the stairs two at a time and the other walked through towards the kitchen. I saw Todd come out of the snug on the left; the door had been closed. He stood looking tired as though he had just woken, and cocked his head.

  ‘Frankie?’ he said as the male officer arrived back down the hallway from the kitchen. I saw the other officer make it down the stairs, then both of them were next to Todd.

  ‘Frankie?’ he questioned again.

  ‘Mr Wilson, we’re here to escort you from the premises. Can you come with us now, please?’ and they each took an arm.

  ‘What? Frank? Frankie, what’s going on?’

  I looked at the front door which was still open and the female police officer standing at the door. I presumed the other officer was still at the back door in case Todd made a run for it. But he was compliant, not making any sudden movements. Part of me wanted to hand him a wad of cash before he went or some food or water. I didn’t know if he would end up back on the streets again tonight. He didn’t have anywhere else to go. My mind was a muddle of emotions. What had I done? I wanted to reverse time to a few days ago when I went to talk to him in the park. I should have stayed clear of him and just called the police instead. But the biggest part of me wished I could go back twenty years and not have gone to that party with him.

  50

  October 1998

  There were smoke machines, huge speakers and girls skating round on eighties-style chunky roller boots with rainbow stripes down the side. There were large inflatables being thrown around the room, as though I was at a freestyle swim session at the local pool. There was a girl in the DJ booth I recognised from some other parties; she had pink hair in bunches, a white vest top, and was chewing gum, one headphone on her ear clamped underneath her shoulder. The top half of her body was bouncing up and down to the music, she leaned over mixing one record into another.

  The dance floor was alight with everyone dancing, pure euphoria seeping from every crevice. I knew then I had made the right decision to come to this party and not follow Kiefer’s advice.

  Todd took my hand. A stack of upturned beer crates to waist height topped with a long piece of wood across the top served as a makeshift bar. There were bottles of water, cans of Pepsi, vodka mules, Hooch, Bacardi Breezers and even little bottles of champagne with straws. To the side were beers floating on top of an ice packed bin.

  I pointed at a beer and Todd took two, dropping a five pound note on the bar. I was wearing an all-in-one jumpsuit, purple with white stripes down the side and my white knee high boots. Todd said I looked like someone from the seventies and that I looked cool. I took out two cigarettes from my white patent rucksack and lit them both, handing one to Todd. We saw some people we knew and went over to where they were dancing and talking. We tried to shout at one another over the music and then the speed I had taken in the car ride over here began to bring me up. Todd was going to wait, there was new dealer there with some ecstasy. Rumoured to be pure MDMA. A few minutes later Todd spied the guy he was meeting.

  I found myself being drawn closer and closer to the dance floor, I was edging away from Todd. I could see him at the other end of the warehouse and I watched the deal take place. I saw Todd take something out of his hand and place it on his tongue then wash it down with a beer. I felt happy that he was going to be on the same wavelength as me. The DJ dropped ‘Where Love Lives’ by Alison Lymerick. Everyone’s hands shot up in the air as the dance floor lit up with electrifying greens, yellows and pinks. I danced and looked around for Todd. He was still standing where he was, alone, sipping his beer. I gestured for him to come over, he didn’t seem to see me. But then he looked at someone approaching on his left. I tried again to beckon to him, but whoever Todd was talking to had his full attention. I could see Todd was leaning into the person, talking in their ear. Then he pulled back and I could see Lofty and in the corner, in the shadows a few steps behind him, Soames.

  Lofty was handing Todd a bag. Instinct kicked in, I lunged forward and pushed my way past the crowds of arms in the air towards Todd. Soames looked at me
in surprise. Todd went to shove the packet in his pocket, but I knew what it was so I grabbed his hand.

  ‘No,’ I said firmly.

  Behind me someone grabbed my other arm. I looked around, it was Soames, looking dodgy as hell.

  ‘Hey, leave him alone,’ he said.

  I shook his arm off mine.

  ‘No, you leave him alone,’ I spat.

  ‘You need to learn some manners, love. Let the man decide what he wants,’ Lofty said slowly, his eyes half closed.

  Suddenly I didn’t care for the lights and the music, the amphetamine that still coursed through my veins, and then I felt another hand on my arm. I went to shake it off.

  ‘Get off.’ I spun round. I was surprised to see it was Kiefer.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I shouted over the music.

  ‘You need to get out of here now!’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘The police. They are on their way.’

  ‘What? Really?’ I said.

  ‘Yes!’ Kiefer shouted and was nodding his head enthusiastically. ‘We need to go now.’

  I looked back at Todd. ‘Todd, what are you doing? Let’s go.’ Soames and Lofty had already disappeared.

  ‘Chill out. It will be fine.’ Todd went to put his arm around me and draw me closer. I shook him off.

  ‘Frankie, stay. Please.’

  ‘Kiefer said the cops are on their way!’

  Todd shook his head. ‘He hates me.’ He pointed at Kiefer with his beer bottle.

  ‘No, he doesn’t.’ I tried to reassure him.

  ‘No, he does, he wants you to go ’cos he hates me. He’s been trying to get between us for weeks.’