The Unloved

by Jennifer Snyder

  “Good.” He shifted into reverse and backed out of our parking space.

  I watched the muscles in his hand grip and loosen around the gearshift and smiled. My eyes made their way back to Brian’s face, and I took in the slight dimple that always seemed to remain in his right cheek whether he was smiling or not. His light brown hair fell over his eyes and he shook his head to move it smoothly, effortlessly, out of the way, his hand never leaving the gearshift. I liked Brian; the more time I spent with him the more I realized this was true.

  Guilt pressed on my chest and an image of how I’d left Nick, standing at the corner of my driveway, flashed through my mind. Maybe the reason I allowed myself to like Brian so much and so easily was because he didn’t know what had happened to me, which meant he didn’t look at me with pity swirling in his eyes. Not like Nick did. Another reason: To Brian I was just a girl who liked to buy pills and smoke pot every once in a while. I wasn’t the trailer trash chick from Hilton Street. I wasn’t the daughter of a stripper. I was just Julie.

  “Do you have time to take a toke off the blunt roach in the ashtray?” Brian asked. There was the reason why I could smell pot in his car.

  “Sure.” I smiled. I’d found I was better at pretending what happened with Vincent hadn’t when I was high.

  “Cool.” Brian grinned, the movement making his dimple deepen. “Oh, groceries are in the backseat, as usual.”

  I turned around and reached for the plastic grocery bag in the backseat. Brian had to be the smartest drug dealer I’d ever met, not that I’d met too many, and minus the blunt roach in the ashtray at the moment. He’d bought this canister that looked like a container of original style breadcrumbs you’d buy at the grocery store. It even sounded like there were some inside to further conceal what the contents actually were—his drugs. Looking at it you’d never know the bottom screwed off and revealed a hollow compartment inside. I thought it was probably the cleverest thing I’d ever seen. He said he’d bought it at one of those head shops sort of like Spencer’s about a year ago.

  I opened the plastic shopping bag in my lap and dug through the boxes of instant potatoes and canned food until I found the breadcrumbs. My heart always beat a little faster in my chest when I did this exchange with Brian, but it was something I had to do, because mom made me. I’d been the reason she’d lost Vincent, her cheapest hook up. She didn’t know how, but she figured I’d been the cause of her ignored phone calls and unanswered messages. I denied it, but it didn’t matter. Not to her. I’d had to find her a new one, pay for half of her pills with my money from the ice cream shop, and handle all of the dealings myself.

  The same little baggie of blue Xanaxs fell into my lap along with a baggie of white pills I’d never seen before, and a few individual bags of pot.

  “What are these?” I asked, holding up the baggie of white pills.

  “Sleeping pills. I got them from my grandma. I have to take meals to her a few times a week for my mom, so while I’m there I always riffle through her medicine cabinet. I looked those ones up online; they’re 10 milligram Ambeins. It took me almost two months to get that little bag full.”

  “Is that where everything comes from, your grandma?” I asked, suddenly sickened with the fact that I was buying pills stolen from a little old lady who actually needed them for something.

  “Nah, I also volunteer at Hastings’s Nursing Home twice a week.” His eyes shifted away from the road for a brief moment to glance at me. “You look disgusted with me right now.” He chuckled.

  I stared at the pills in my lap and shrugged. “I’m not,” I lied.

  “You’re not a great liar. Has anyone ever told you that?” He didn’t wait for me to respond, instead he began explaining himself. “I don’t take the stuff that they need for pain, only the stuff they’re using for nerves or sleep aids.”

  “That’s good.” I flashed him a small smile. At least he was conscious of what he was taking. In some twisted way it made what he did seem a little better.

  “So what’s your poison this week?” Brian asked, nodding to what rested in my lap as he turned into a long gravel driveway surrounded by trees and shifted into park.

  “A little of both types of pills,” I said. Xanax for mom because it was her favorite, and the sleeping pills for me because I could use a non-nightmarish night of sleep for once.

  “All right, here, hit this while I count you out some. You do want the normal amount, right?” he asked, handing me the brown blunt roach.

  “Yeah.” I nodded, happy with this week’s purchase. I’d finally be getting some sleep tonight.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  NICK

  I drove around, headed to nowhere in particular, to clear my mind. I hated how distant Jules and I had become. The thought that maybe she was upset with me over that night, either for not being there like I should have been or for smashing in Vincent’s face, tossed around in my mind. So did the thought that maybe she was just angry with herself. Then I decided the reason for her coldness didn’t matter; all that mattered was where we were right now and how much I hated it.

  I stopped for some gas at the old Exxon station down the street from my house, pulling in right beside Blake.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I asked as I stepped out to pump.

  Blake nodded. “Not much, getting ready to pick up Emily for a movie. If I don’t pump the gas before picking her up, she’ll take it as an insult or something.” He chuckled.

  “Ouch. You’re pretty damn brave to be with that one. She’s got too much attitude for me.” I laughed.

  “Watch it, bro. That’s my lady you’re talking about.” He grinned.

  I shook my head and that was when I saw it pull in, a blue Blazer. My eyes never left it as it parked and idled in its spot. The passenger side door slung open, pushed by a dainty hand attached to a blue clothed arm. My heart rate spiked as I watched Jules begin to descend from Brian’s Blazer, oblivious to me standing there. She paused, one leg out the passenger door and one leg in and spun back to face Brian. There was a smile on her face. I hated Brian for being able to make her smile like that when I couldn’t.

  “Hey, man, sorry about her. Who would have thought you two wouldn’t have worked out? With all the history Emily told me that’s between you guys, I figured y’all would last,” Blake said.

  I turned my head away from Jules and back toward where my money slowly rolled into my gas tank. “Sometimes shit doesn’t work out the way you plan. They call it life,” I muttered, the words tasting bitter in my mouth.

  “Well, dude, I’m out. I can’t keep Emily waiting. Call me or something tomorrow,” Blake said, his pity ringing clearly in his words.

  “Will do,” I replied, hanging the nozzle back up. While I replaced my gas cap I watched Jules, waiting for the moment when she’d finally get out of Brian’s Blazer. What could they have to talk about anyway?

  “I’ll see you around,” she said, slipping out of the seat and waving. I cursed under my breath for ever hooking her up with him as her mom’s new dealer. I should have just done all the transactions myself. Why had I just now thought of that?

  Brian wasted no time in backing out of his parking space and leaving in the opposite direction. I twisted my gas cap once more and watched as Jules went inside the station. Anticipation burned through me; maybe I could finally give her a ride in my car.

  Jules was toward the back of the store when I walked in. I noticed her scouring the bottles of soda and headed toward her.

  “Hey,” I said and laughed when I saw her jump.

  She put a hand to her chest and let out a long breath. “You scared the crap out of me! What are you doing here?”

  Her eyes met mine for the first time in I didn’t know how long and I noticed they were glossy and bloodshot. Jules was stoned. My jaw tightened at the thought of her smoking with Brian and him taking advantage of her or something. Didn’t she think about this? Especially after what happened with Vincent?

 
“I needed some gas,” I said, my irritation clinging to my words.

  Jules grabbed a Cream Soda and started past me. “Oh.”

  “So, do you want a ride home?” I asked, trying to refrain from asking her what the hell she’d been thinking getting high with Brian.

  “Sure,” she said, stopping behind a man dressed like a trucker.

  When it was her turn Jules set her soda on the counter and began digging through her front pocket until she pulled out a crumbled five dollar bill. I folded my hand around hers and said, “Keep it.” Then paid for my gas along with her drink.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” she insisted, opening her soda and taking a long swig as we walked to my car.

  “I wanted to,” I muttered.

  “So, this is your new car, huh?” she said, sliding into the passenger side. “I’ve seen you working a lot on it lately.”

  “Yeah, well apparently my dad takes care of his cars about the same way he takes care of his kid—he beats it up,” I said, cranking the engine. She sure was talkative. This was the most we’d talked in weeks; it sucked she had to be stoned to do it.

  Jules glanced around at the interior. “I like it.”

  “Thanks.” I waited until I’d pulled away from the station before I said anything about her being high. “So, you were hanging out with Brian, huh? You buy anything off him or just get stoned with him all afternoon?”

  She glared at me and I shifted my gaze to hers for a brief moment to let her know how pissed I was seeing her so chummy with him. Normally I thought her eyes were beautiful, even when she cried; they always turned this gorgeous bright hue of green. Right now, though, they were the brightest I’d ever seen them due to the red clouding the whites, and all they made me feel was anger.

  “Why is that any of your business?” she snapped, never taking her eyes off me.

  “Because, I don’t want to see you get hurt again,” I said through clenched teeth as memories of finding Vincent on top of her flooded my mind.

  “Brian isn’t Vincent,” she said, as though reading my mind.

  “He’s still a user. You don’t know if he’ll have a weak moment and try to force himself on you.”

  “You’re the one who introduced me to him, Nick, remember? And he’s not like that, I know.” She leaned her head against the window and I sighed, feeling like I’d managed to push her away even more.

  “How? How can you be so sure?” I asked, suddenly not caring if I pissed her off any more than I already had because I was concerned about her. And slightly jealous, if I were being honest.

  “Why do you even care?” she muttered softly, and I cast a quick glance at her.

  “Because I didn’t think that by giving you the space you seemed to want you’d end up filling it so damn easily by spending time with someone else!” I seethed. It was the truth, and while I finally had her talking to me, while she’d finally let me in some, I didn’t hesitate in saying it. This was my chance to get through to her, even if I had to be a dickhead about it.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  JULIE

  The tremor in Nick’s voice stabbed at my heart. It was a reminder of how much he cared about me, but also of how much I wished he didn’t.

  “Don’t think of it that way, Nick; it’s not like that at all,” I said softly.

  “Isn’t it, though?” he countered, his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel now.

  I shook my head. “I have to spend time with him and you know why. You know I have to get my mom her stupid fucking pills.”

  I couldn’t help the anger that leaked into my words any more than I could help the way knowing Nick felt just as tortured as I did by us not being together hurt me. Still, it didn’t change anything. He was better off without me in his life, and I just prayed that he realized this soon because him continuously pursuing me was taking its toll. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could fight against my heart and win.

  “Tell me what it’s like then, Jules. Enlighten me. Please.”

  I sighed, not wanting to do this. The buzz I had was wearing off and I liked having it, it was my escape for the day from my mind, my thoughts, my reality. “Stop, just drop it.”

  “Not going to happen. Fucking enlighten me, Jules. Tell me that you don’t find it easier to spend time with Brian than me.” His words sounded so cold.

  “I’m not going to say that.”

  “Why not? TELL ME, JULES, SAY IT!” Nick shouted, banging his palm against the steering wheel.

  “Shut the fuck up, Nick!” I shouted back.

  “Why, because you know it’s true?” he pushed further.

  “Yes, all right! It’s easier to be around him because he doesn’t know me like you do,” I spat, unbelieving I’d said the words aloud.

  “There, how fucking hard was it to be honest?” The heartache etched into his words was hard to miss. I’d hurt him and I hated myself for it.

  “This is why I didn’t want to say anything to you about it, because I hate seeing you hurt,” I whispered.

  “Welcome to my world then. I’ve watched you hurt for weeks, but the difference between our situations, there’s not a damn thing I can do to help it go away for you.”

  “Stop caring so much.” It was more of a plea than anything. If he’d just stop caring, then I could be free. Free to lose myself in drugs, alcohol, run away, end my life if I could find the guts to. Free and nothing more.

  We were one turn away from being on our street when Nick cut to the right and parked his car in the ditch, cutting the engine. He shifted to face me and I could feel the heat of his stare without having to meet his eyes to see they were burning. I knew the brown would look like liquid gold and the green would appear florescent.

  “How could you ask that? I will never stop caring about you. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” he asked.

  My eyes pooled with tears. No one had ever fought to keep me close to them so hard before.

  “Things would be so much easier if you did,” I whispered, afraid my voice would crack and I’d begin sobbing if I spoke any louder.

  He shook his head and shifted his gaze back out the windshield. “I don’t get you. I don’t understand how me not caring would make anything easier.”

  “Because then you could move on. Your life has gotten so much better since you moved back. The only thing that holds you back is me.”

  “What? Why would you think that? Why would you think that you, of all people, would hold me back from anything?” he asked, his eyes flaring with confusion.

  “Because I’m broken now more than I ever was. I’m fucking unfixable, dirty, damaged, tainted, worthless, whichever name you want to use, that’s me. That’s what I am. I’ll never be whole, Nick, never. Not now. So don’t waste your time with me,” I said, finally telling someone out loud exactly how I felt about myself. It didn’t feel as good as I’d thought it would.

  Nick’s eyes widened. “Stop it, damn it! Stop beating yourself up for what happened with Vincent because it wasn’t your fault. Stop beating yourself up for the life you were born into and let me in, Jules. Let me care for you, let me love you…because I do, Jules. That’s why I refuse to stop caring, I love you.”

  My heart pounded as his last words hung in the air between us, and I shut my eyes in an effort to block them out, to shield myself from the power of them. “How? How could you love me when I’m such a mess?”

  I didn’t wait for his answer; instead I opened the passenger door and climbed out when I couldn’t hide from the impact his words had on me anymore or from the words that bubbled to the surface of my mind in response. The words I’d waited for too long to say. The words that would change everything.

  “Wait!” Nick was out the driver side door in an instant. “Don’t run away from me!”

  Ignoring him I started speed walking, but I didn’t get far because Nick managed to block my way.

  “I love you, Jules. Even with all of the baggage that you claim comes with you, eve
n with all of the shit that you’ve been through. You’re not a reminder of my past, not a stain or a scar that won’t let me forget…you’re my sunshine. A reminder that with you by my side I can get through even the darkest of my nightmares. Our childhood was proof of that, Jules. We were the unloved—you by your mom and me by my dad—and now it’s our time to finally be loved.” His hands gripped my waist and pulled me in closer to him. “Let me love you, Jules; that’s all that I’m asking.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  NICK

  I let out the breath that I’d been holding. I’d waited for months, years if I was honest, to say those words to her. Now that I finally had, I prayed she’d say them back.

  “I love you too, Nick,” I heard her whisper as soon as she allowed her body to soften against mine and she buried her head in my chest.

  I closed my eyes tight and fought back tears of my own as my lips twisted into a victorious smile. She loved me. Jules had said that she fucking loved me.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  JULIE

  I rushed around my room, searching for my red jacket with the large black buttons. I’d finally decided I wasn’t going to wear a sweater tonight and now my sweaters were all I could find. I picked up my cell and glanced at the clock—shit, already 6:37! I was supposed to be across the street at Nick’s house almost forty minutes ago.

  A red sleeve caught my eye in the mirror above my dresser and I spun to glance under my bed and retrieve it. My cell vibrated across my dresser and I grinned knowing it would be Nick wondering where I was. The cell phones had been his idea. He’d used some of the money he had saved to buy himself a car before his dad had given him his and bought us each a prepaid cell phone. It gave him peace of mind knowing that he could always check up on me and I always had a way to call him if I needed a ride. It gave me a warm heart because it reminded me that there was one person in this world who truly cared about me deeply.