The Wrong Kind of Love

by Lexi Ryan

  “I don’t know.” I shrug and try to act like I don’t know means I don’t care, but I’m sure he sees right through me. I can’t stop thinking about her, and if Jake knew how many times I’ve checked my phone since I rolled out of bed this morning, he’d give me no small amount of hell.

  “You want to,” he says, his voice low for once. “Don’t be a chicken shit. If you want to see her again, make it happen.”

  “Nana is taking a long flight tomorrow,” Lilly announces as Brayden settles her into a kitchen chair.

  I exhale, relieved Lilly is providing an exit from the conversation about Nic. “She can’t stop talking about the plane,” I tell my mom.

  Mom already has a plate of food and takes the seat next to Lilly. “She’s excited for her nana.”

  “I don’t want you to leave.” Lilly wraps her arms around Mom’s arm and nuzzles her face into her sweater. “I love you so much, and I’ll miss you to the moon!”

  Mom kisses my daughter’s head. “I’ll send you postcards every day, and I’ll buy you special trinkets and mail them to you.”

  Lilly turns her head and flashes a victorious grin at me, and she looks so much like her mother in that moment that I feel like the floor is falling away beneath my feet.

  See what you’re missing, Elena?

  “Nana’s been waiting most of her life for the opportunity to travel to Europe,” I tell Lilly. I get a plate for myself and start filling it. “She’ll miss you, but this has been a dream of hers for a long time.”

  “Bucket list,” Shay says with a grin.

  “I know.” Lilly frowns and studies her food. Mom strokes her hair. We’ve had this conversation more times than I can count since Mom announced her trip last month.

  By the time I get my food and make it to the table, Lilly has finished her cinnamon roll.

  “All done,” she says. “May I be excused?”

  I nod. “Clear your plate.”

  “Why do I always have to clear my plate?” she whines.

  “Because I want you to grow up to be a responsible adult who has a sense of—”

  “Personal responsibility,” she says, mimicking the words she’s heard me say so many times.

  “See?” I say as she slides her plate into the dishwasher. “You already know.”

  Shay puts her coffee down. “Want to dance?” she asks Lilly.

  “Shayleigh,” Mom says. “Eat something.”

  My sister shakes her head. “Had a protein shake when I got here.”

  “That hardly counts as food,” Mom mutters, but Shay and Lilly are already rushing to the basement. Brayden has a PlayStation down there, and a dance game that Shay and Lilly love playing together. I’m not sure who’s more competitive—my sister or my daughter.

  The rest of us finish our meals, and Jake teases Mom about what he’s sure is her secret plan to find a handsome retiree while in Rome or Paris. When we’ve finished, everyone heads downstairs but Mom. It’s my turn for cleanup, so I stay behind in the kitchen. Mom stays with me, watching me like a hawk. I say a silent prayer that she’s not going to ask me about last night. I’m a grown man, but I’m no more interested in talking to my mom about hookups than I was as a teenager.

  “Don’t forget, the nanny starts tonight.”

  Oh, my other least favorite subject. “I haven’t forgotten.” Even though I try to make my words kind, they come out hard and cold.

  “I really wish you would have met her when she came to town.”

  “I’ve already apologized for missing your meeting, but I can’t control when babies are born.”

  Mom holds my gaze for a beat. We both know I’m dreading meeting the nanny—I was then and I am now. I can’t stomach the idea of someone stepping in where Elena should be, and I took the coward’s route and let Mom make the tough choices.

  Mom sighs. “Regardless, when you meet her and see her with Lilly, I think you’ll agree Veronica is perfect.”

  “No one is perfect, but I trust your judgment.” Mom and I have had this conversation. I know that a nanny is the best choice for Lilly while Mom travels, but I can’t shake this fear that my daughter’s going to get attached and struggle when it’s time to say goodbye. And with anyone who isn’t family, goodbye is inevitable.

  You don’t know sadness until you try to explain to a little girl that her mommy isn’t coming back, and I’d do about anything to protect Lilly from feeling that kind of sadness again.

  For three years, I’ve been leaning on my mother, and she’s helped me raise my daughter. While Mom was happy to step in, and loves Lilly more than anything, I also know she’s dreamed of traveling her whole life. She couldn’t do it when her kids were small, and then when we were grown, Dad was too sick to go with her. Now, Dad’s gone, and she’s getting older. When her old friend from college invited her on this three-month trip to Europe, I knew I had to help make it happen.

  I never expected Mom to put her life on hold after Elena died. But one year turned into the next, and it was as if I’d barely blinked and Lilly was starting kindergarten. When Mom gently suggested a temporary live-in nanny so she could take this trip, I agreed. When she suggested that I might ask the temp nanny to stay on long-term if she seemed like a good fit, I didn’t argue.

  It’s better this way. I’m called to the hospital at all hours of the day. I need someone who’s always there. I just can’t think about it too much, because that someone was supposed to be Elena. I wanted her to be the one I knew would be home with my child when I delivered a baby in the middle of the night. I wanted her to be the one I’d come home to when I was exhausted after too many hours stuck at the hospital.

  “I know it’s hard,” Mom says. She reaches into the dishwasher to rearrange the dishes I’ve already loaded. “And I’m telling you now, Ethan, if you try this and it doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment and shake my head. “You’ve done enough, Mom. I’ve let you do too much.”

  She presses a hand to her chest and her eyes fill with tears. “It wasn’t a hardship. Lilly is the light of my life.” She smiles. “Next to all my children, of course.”

  I grunt. “Sure, Mom.” We all know that Lilly, her first and only grandchild, ranks far above all of us, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

  “You don’t have to decide right away whether or not you want to offer Veronica the position permanently. Give yourself a couple of months to see if you’re a good fit. I just hope you like her as much as I do.”

  I shake my head. “How do you pick someone to raise your child?”

  “She’s not raising her, she’s helping.”

  We both know that’s not true. When you’re a single parent working sixty or more hours a week, the person you hire for childcare is as responsible for raising your child as you are, if not more.

  “So, I’ll see you tonight, then,” Mom says.

  I nod. “Thanks for taking care of this.”

  “I know how hard it is for you. And I know how much you miss her.”

  My throat is thick, and it’s a familiar feeling. I’ve endured three years of grief and a guilt that never loosens its hold. The thickness in my throat and the knots in my stomach are my new normal. Some days are better than others, but today’s going to be hard because today I meet the new nanny—the woman who will have so many experiences with Lilly that Elena never will.

  Nicole

  How on earth is my sister on my honeymoon on a sunny beach and I’m in freezing-cold Michigan, cleaning up her mess?

  My stomach squeezes.

  I found the note in Veronica’s calendar about meeting Kathleen Jackson at the Ooh La La! coffee shop at noon. Teagan insisted I borrow her coat and a couple of outfits, and that I “keep an open mind” about working with the Jacksons.

  So, here I am, dressed in Teagan’s black leggings and oversized red sweater, sipping on a latte and trying to decide what to do next. Do I run out the door or do the right thi
ng and let these people know the woman they hired won’t be coming?

  The coffee shop is adorable. The barista greeted me with a cheerful smile and asked me half a dozen questions about what brought me to Jackson Harbor. When she found out I have a meeting with Mrs. Jackson, she acted like I was meeting local royalty. Apparently, the Jackson ancestors founded Jackson Harbor in the early 1800s and are responsible for a lot of the city’s longstanding traditions. After giving me that history lesson, she offered me some handcrafted chocolates, which looked amazing, but my stomach isn’t up for anything like that yet, so I passed.

  I stare out the window as I wait, marveling at how winter has already settled over this town, when back at home in Alabama, the leaves have just hit peak autumn color. Maybe I’ll stay here for more than a few days. Maybe I’ll stay the whole winter. I’ll hibernate—cocoon and be reborn. Figure out who I am.

  “Veronica!” The woman approaching me has long, perfectly straight gray hair that’s parted in the middle and reaches just past her shoulder blades. On anyone else, that hairstyle might say hippy, but this woman manages to pull it off and make it look regal. Maybe it’s the pearls in her ears, the slight upward tilt of her chin, or the air of authority about her. “Thank you for agreeing to meet me before going to the house tonight. I just want to go over a few things I’d rather not discuss in front of my son.” She reaches for my hand and squeezes it between both of hers. “It is such a pleasure to see you again, Veronica.”

  “Nic,” I say.

  She blinks. “I didn’t realize you went by a nickname. My apologies.”

  I shake my head. I’m used to correcting people when they think I’m my sister, but this moment makes me ashamed. Ashamed Veronica didn’t do better, ashamed I have to deliver the news that we’ll be letting this family down. “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I’m not Veronica. I’m her sister, Nicole.”

  The smile falls from her face. “Is this a joke?”

  “I’m afraid not.”

  “You look just like her.”

  “We’re identical twins.” I pull my shoulders back and take a breath. “I don’t want to go into why, but Veronica isn’t going to be coming.”

  “And you’re here to take her place?” She shakes her head. “I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.” Oh, God. Could this be more awkward? “I don’t know who will take her place. That’s not my choice to make, obviously. I just . . .” Oh, damn you, Veronica. My words come out in a rush. “My sister’s not coming to Michigan, and through a series of events I’d rather not go into, I’m here instead, but not to take her place. I’d never be so presumptuous as to . . . I’m sorry if that causes a problem.”

  She nods. “Your sister sent you to clean up her mess?”

  “No . . . yes . . .” I wince when I realize her words echo my thoughts moments ago. Did Veronica send me to clean this up? She has so many times, but I can’t help but feel partially responsible this time. I took her ticket to Michigan.

  Of course, I wouldn’t have had to do that if she hadn’t gotten pregnant with Marcus’s baby.

  “It’s complicated,” I say.

  “How do I know you aren’t really Veronica and pretending to be a twin to get out of the job?”

  “If she would do that, would you really want to hire her?”

  “No,” she says. “But I want the truth, regardless.”

  “I have no way of proving to you that I’m not Veronica.” I release a huff that might’ve been a laugh if I could find anything about this situation funny at all. “I’m not the one who let you down, and I feel awful. I’d be too embarrassed to face you if I were her.”

  She nods thoughtfully. “Fair enough.”

  “I didn’t want to come either, but I couldn’t not.”

  The barista comes out behind the counter and hands Kathleen a cup. “Here you go, Mrs. Jackson.”

  “Thank you, dear.” Kathleen beams at her before turning back to me. “Veronica mentioned she had a sister. In fact, I wanted her to start last week, but she said she couldn’t come up until after her sister’s wedding?” She arches a brow.

  “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “And the wedding?”

  “It was canceled.”

  “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. And is there any chance Veronica will change her mind and join you in Jackson Harbor later this week?”

  I fold my arms. I was trying to be classy and not air my dirty laundry, but since I’m in no mood to defend my sister or explain her choices, I abandon that plan. “Since she just boarded a plane to the Bahamas with my ex-fiancé, I’m guessing not.”

  Kathleen’s jaw works, then she snaps her mouth shut. “Well, I’m terribly sorry to hear that.” She lifts her chin farther, and I can’t tell, but I think her eyes are watering. “Do you happen to have experience caring for children?”

  “I—” I shake my head. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what’s happening here.”

  “Well, I’m trying to decide if you’d be suitable for the position, of course.”

  “Really?” It’s tempting to grab this opportunity. To beg her, even, to give me a job so I don’t have to go home. “I worked as a nanny for some local families during the summer while I was in college, and I’ve been working at a daycare up until recently.” Until recently, when I quit because Marcus didn’t like the idea of his wife working. When I said goodbye to the job I loved and the kids I adored because he didn’t think my minimum-wage job warranted taking my attention away from our home.

  “Do you have a degree in early childhood education? Like your sister?”

  I look away and swallow. “I didn’t make it through school. Too many distractions.” How many times have I let my entire life be derailed on account of love? In college, it was Corbin, who needed me to work full-time because he was having financial troubles. When I returned to school after Corbin dumped me, it was Eddie, who owned a bike shop and needed a secretary. When the hours didn’t work with my class schedule, I didn’t even hesitate. Love above all else. “Veronica is the good student. I only have a couple of semesters’ worth of general education under my belt.”

  “The education was just a bonus, not a requirement.” She narrows her eyes and studies me. “You look just like her.”

  I hate for her to feel cornered into giving me this job. “Listen, I don’t want to leave you hanging because of my sister’s decisions, so if I can stand in for a few days while you find a replacement . . .”

  She folds her arms. “Find a suitable nanny with childcare experience who’s willing to relocate to Jackson Harbor for the coldest months of the year in a few days? Do you know what a rare find Veronica was? Do you know how hard it was to convince my son that Lilly would be safe with her?”

  “I really am sorry.” I look at my hands. “I’m sure this is a nightmare for you.”

  “When are you going home?”

  I shake my head. “I haven’t gotten that far yet. My life was turned upside down yesterday, and I need some time before I go back there.”

  She nods sharply. “Good. You can take Veronica’s position on a trial basis. I’ll need a couple of references and will have to have my lawyer run a quick background check, of course, but assuming that comes out okay, you can move in with my son and care for my granddaughter.”

  “You don’t know anything about me.” I don’t have any children of my own, but if I did, I struggle to imagine trusting a stranger with them. There has to be something else going on here.

  She arches a brow. “I know you showed up to this meeting, while your sister—a girl I was convinced I could rely on—didn’t. I know you’re here even though this is embarrassing for you, and I know my gut says more about a person than their résumé ever could.”

  “Would you really be willing to give me a chance?” I want to throw my arms around her and thank her. I didn’t realize just how desperately I wanted an excuse to stay.

  “I would.” She clas
ps her hands on the table and turns to study the display case of chocolates.

  “Thank you,” I whisper. “I don’t really have anything to go home to right now.”

  “I would,” she repeats, her gaze not meeting mine. “But my son isn’t me. It took Ethan a while to come around to the idea of Veronica. Changing to Veronica’s twin at the last minute . . .” She shakes her head. “Ethan won’t like it. He won’t respect her because she didn’t show, and you’ll be guilty by association.”

  My shoulders sag. “Oh.” Then why all the fuss about the references and background check?

  “It’d be easier for everyone if you pretended to be your sister.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, right.”

  “I mean it.” Her expression is stoic, and my stomach aches.

  “I can’t. I won’t. I’m sorry.”

  She looks me dead in the eyes for so long that I want to look away, but something makes me hold her gaze. “I need the favor. If I have to tell Ethan the truth about you, I’ll have to tell him the truth about my trip, and I’ve gone to a great deal of trouble to keep that from my family.”

  I frown at that. What’s she hiding from them? A secret lover? I shake my head. “I can’t just lie about who I am.” The idea of taking this job was crazy, but there’s no way I’m taking it and pretending to be Veronica. I don’t play those twin-swap games anymore.

  “Then don’t. Nic could be short for Veronica, couldn’t it?”

  I swallow. “With all due respect, ma’am, I’m not comfortable with the lie.”

  “Nic?” She reaches across the table and takes my hand in hers. Her skin is cold, but her grip is firm. “I’m going to tell you something no one else in my family knows. I don’t know you, but I’m trusting you to keep this between us.”

  The intensity in her gaze makes me want to run from this conversation, but I stay put. “Okay.”

  “I’m very sick.”

  My stomach drops. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”

  “I have cancer. The kind of cancer where one must get much sicker if one wants any hope of getting better.”