Hold Her Again

by Shannon Stacey

  “Did something happen between you and Ava?” Jace asked Carrie when he managed to catch her alone near the kitchen.

  “I apologized to her for the hurt our professional decisions caused her personally, though I’m not sure it went particularly well.”

  He didn’t imagine so, since Carrie wasn’t really the warm and fuzzy type, and rarely apologized. She probably wasn’t very good at it. “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. She’s still holding on to a lot of hurt, I guess, because she really didn’t want to hear it. We didn’t argue, if that’s what you’re worried about. I tried to make her understand we’re on the same side.”

  It shouldn’t have been enough to set Ava off, since she’d known Carrie would be present. It wasn’t as though she’d been ambushed by a ghost from the past or anything. But she seemed to grow more quiet as the night passed and by the time the last guest finally left, Jace was exhausted from not only the party, but worrying about Ava’s mood.

  After locking up, Jace found her in the main living room, staring at the sparkling Christmas tree. She had a drink in her hand, but it was still full. Like him, she’d done little more than sip at the drinks that were carried around the party on silver trays.

  “I don’t know about you, but I’m beat,” he said, pressing a kiss to the back of her neck, just below the upward sweep of her hair.

  “I don’t belong here,” she said quietly, and he felt as if his heart stopped beating in his chest.

  “What do you mean?”

  “This.” She waved the hand not holding the drink in a vague circle. “This isn’t my life.”

  “It can be.” He wanted it to be. Desperately. “It wasn’t my life, either, but I gotta be honest. You get used to it pretty damn quick and I want to share it with you. I want to give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”

  When she didn’t say anything, he took the drink from her hand and set it on a table. Then he pulled her into his arms. “What’s going on with you tonight, Ava?”

  “I don’t know. It was so fun, being here with you. But then this happened and...this is your life, Jace. This house. All those people I don’t know. You have this entire world I know nothing about and it’s too much.”

  “You’ll get to know everybody. Maybe the Christmas party was a bad idea. It was a lot of strangers and a lot of pressure and I should have thought of that.” But when she shook her head, his heart sank. Maybe everything, from the moment he’d seen her at his father’s funeral, had been too fast.

  “The first time I heard that song, I knew it was about me. I just knew. And you think I was pissed because you used a song about dumping me to make yourself famous, but that’s not it.” She had to stop for a few seconds, and watching her struggle with her emotions damn near killed him. “The first time I heard that song, I thought it meant you’d come back for me.”

  He wanted to hug her—to hold her close and hard—but he also wanted to be able to see her face so maybe he could figure out what the hell was happening.

  “And then you didn’t.” She lifted one shoulder slightly, but there was too much pain to pull off the full whatever, it’s water under the bridge gesture she was going for. “And somehow that hurt even worse because I could almost understand the first time. I even tried to imagine what I would have done if it had been me she came to instead of you and, if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t know what I would have said. But to have everything you wanted and still love me and wish you had chosen me and still not come back...it was just a song, but it made me hope all over again. For nothing.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought you wouldn’t want me and I was scared. But I’m here now. I’m right here.”

  “And there’s a part of me that can’t stop wondering for how long. What if some new opportunity comes along? What if Carrie decides you not being single is bad for your career?”

  “I’m not a stupid, selfish kid anymore. I won’t let anything or anybody come between us ever again.”

  “I don’t know if I can believe that.”

  She said the words so quietly, it was hard to believe they could hit a man so hard, but Jace almost reeled from the impact. “I swear to you, Ava, if you give me the chance, I’ll prove you can believe in me. I’ll never let you down again.”

  “I thought I was ready. I was so happy, and then I saw Carrie Bond across the room and it was like being in that bar all over again. It was like the wounds all ripped open again.”

  “I can find a new manager.” He’d be sorry to do it. Carrie deserved better, but if he had to choose, he was for damn sure making the right choice this time.

  Ava threw up a hand in frustration. “That’s not...you can’t fire the woman who made you a star.”

  “I can. And if seeing her causes you pain, I will.” He waved a hand around at the house. “If you don’t like Nashville, I’ll buy us a house in Cottonwood Creek. Not everybody lives in Nashville. Oklahoma. Alabama. Why not Missouri?”

  “You can’t dismantle your entire life. Your career. You have a band.” She shook her head. “I don’t want you to throw everything away to prove anything to me. That’s not the right answer. And it’s not what I want.”

  “But I’ll do it. I will always choose you.” He cupped her face in his hand, feeling the moisture of her tears against his palm. “Six years ago, I wasn’t the man you needed me to be. I’m asking you to look at me now—at the man I am right now—and trust that I love you. That I’ve never stopped loving you.”

  She looked him straight in the eye and he watched, his breath caught in his chest, as her tears continued falling. “I’m trying. It’s hard and I... I just don’t know if I can open myself up to that kind of hurt again. It was a mistake to come here so soon. I wasn’t ready and I need to go home.”

  “Please don’t go.” He’d beg if he had to.

  But the words hung between them, echoing the exact words she’d said to him in St. Louis, and he could see in her eyes she was leaving.

  “I’m going to change and pack,” she said in a low voice that trembled a little. “Can you call me a taxi to the airport? I’ll find a flight from there.”

  “Dammit, you’re not going to hang out in the airport hoping for a way home. Sleep on it tonight and we’ll figure things out in the morning. I can—”

  “I need to go now. I’m sorry, Jace.”

  She walked out of the room before he could come up with something—anything—he could say that might change her mind. Or at least slow her down. But there was nothing he hadn’t already said.

  This time it was Ava making a choice, and she was choosing to leave him.

  Chapter Nine

  “I was an idiot.”

  Whitney hit the button to pause their annual viewing of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, even though they both knew every word by heart. “Are you referring to something specific or is this just a general self-critique? If that’s the case, you’re being too hard on yourself.”

  “Leaving Nashville. Jace.” Ava sighed and it was a little ragged, but there were no tears. She’d probably cried herself out over the course of the long, miserable and very lonely week. “I was an idiot to leave Jace.”

  “You weren’t an idiot. If you were, I would tell you.”

  “He told me he loves me. That he never stopped loving me.”

  Whitney leaned forward to snag a sugar cookie off the table and held it out to her. “And you’ve never stopped loving him. But he’s told you that before.”

  “Yeah.” Ava took the cookie, even though she’d already eaten four and the Grinch hadn’t even tried to steal Christmas yet. “But I believe him. He made a mistake and it was a bad one. But I believed him when he said he was sorry and I believed him when he told me he loved me.”

  “But your gut told you to come home. You can’t ignor
e that.”

  “Was it instincts or was it just flat out fear, though? Seeing Carrie threw me off—it brought me back to that place—and I didn’t even try to work through it.” She chewed a bite of the cookie and then washed it down with a sip of hot chocolate. “Do you really think leaving was the right thing or are you just playing devil’s advocate to make me talk through it?”

  Whitney smiled. “He’s the love of your life. And he’s also hot and rich, but most importantly, you love him and he loves you. Of course I’m playing devil’s advocate, but I still don’t think you were an idiot to leave. You guys moved fast and you weren’t ready. A little time to get your feet back under you and really think it through isn’t a bad thing.”

  “Well, I’ve had a week and I think I was an idiot. My mom asked me before I left if I’d totally forgiven him and I thought I had. And I knew Carrie would be there, so I should have been more prepared.”

  “I don’t think you can prepare yourself for emotional stuff. And she broke you up, so—”

  “No, Jace broke us up. She dangled the carrot, but he’s the one who took it. But yeah, in that moment, all I could think about was the pain she’d brought into my life and the memory of that pain ruined everything.”

  “It didn’t ruin everything, Ava. And you leaving Nashville didn’t ruin everything. You guys love each other—you always have—and you’ll figure it out. You said he called you.”

  Ava sighed, debating on a sixth cookie, but a bellyache wasn’t going to help. “He called when I sent him a text to let him know I’d made it home, but it was awkward and hard. And he called while I was at work the other day and left a voicemail telling me he loved me and that he’d give me space, but he wasn’t giving up on us.”

  Whitney got that dreamy look again. “That’s sweet. He’s really trying, don’t you think? You’re just going to have to decide to trust him. And don’t look at me like that. You already told me you believed him.”

  “I do.”

  “It’s not like your parents got some kind of iron-clad guarantee. Or my parents. They just have to trust that they’ll love each other forever, and it’s working out pretty well so far.” Whitney grabbed another cookie, but this one she kept. “Sometimes people hurt each other, but getting through it together is what love is about. Or so I’ve heard.”

  “I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life without him because he hurt me once.” Saying the words out loud solidified things in her mind. And in her heart. Looking forward at a future without Jace hurt more than looking back at five and a half years without him.

  “Good. I always thought you guys were going to be together forever and I hate being wrong.” She took a bite of her cookie with one hand and hit the play button with the other.

  The Grinch and the citizens of Whoville were holding hands and singing when Ava’s phone rang. Jace.

  It was his name on her screen, and she picked it up. It was too cold to go outside for privacy—or to send Whitney out there—so she carried it to her room and closed the door as she answered it.

  “Hi, Jace.”

  “I hope you don’t mind me calling to wish you a Merry Christmas Eve.” His voice was low and just hearing it over the phone eased the heartache a little.

  “I don’t mind you calling me at all.”

  “I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I didn’t know if you’d want to hear from me and I didn’t want to make you sad on Christmas Day.”

  “I want to hear from you.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I left the way I did.”

  “No,” he said immediately. “I’m sorry I rushed you into coming here for the party. I should have taken care of a few things and then stayed in Missouri with you until we could come to Nashville when things were more...settled.”

  “In your message the other day, you said you wouldn’t give up on us.”

  “Never.” She heard him sigh. “Unless you tell me there’s no chance and you want me to leave you alone, I’m going to keep fighting for you.”

  “I don’t want to give up on us, either.”

  “I love you, Ava,” he said, and tears welled up in her eyes, “and I’m going to get back there as soon as I can.”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  “Are you spending Christmas with Joe and Beth?”

  She smiled sadly, wishing she could spend Christmas Day with Jace. “Yeah. Whitney and I are watching a movie and then I’ll head to my parents’ and eat way too much.”

  “I’ll let you go, then. But I’ll talk to you tomorrow, if that’s okay.”

  “Hearing your voice will be the best present.”

  When they’d hung up, Ava hugged her phone to her chest and let herself cry for a couple of minutes. It had been a long and bumpy road, but they weren’t going to give up on each other ever again. And the life they were going to share would be worth waiting for.

  Whitney yelled to her from the living room, but Ava ignored her long enough to write a few words in the old spiral notebook she’d taken to keeping next to her bed again.

  * * *

  Jace drove past his old house with the For Sale sign in the front yard and kept going until he reached the Wrights’ driveway. Ava’s red Jeep was parked in front of the garage, as he’d known it would be. It hadn’t been at her place and he’d remembered her saying she always spent the night of Christmas Eve with her parents. Maybe she’d slept over, too.

  He would have preferred to be reunited with her privately, but he wasn’t turning back now. He killed the engine and scrubbed his hands over his face before climbing out. They’d know he was there already, of course. It wasn’t an easy truck to overlook pulling in your driveway.

  He was halfway to the porch, leaving footsteps in the light dusting of fresh snow that he’d driven through, when the door opened and Ava stepped out. He stopped walking, heart in his throat.

  She had on flannel sleep pants with cartoon reindeer on them, and a white T-shirt topped by a long, red knit sweater. Her feet were bare and her hair was gathered in a messy knot on top of her head, and she’d never looked more beautiful to him.

  “Jace, what are you doing here?”

  He couldn’t tell if that was happy shock or not, but he’d definitely surprised her. “Merry Christmas, Ava.”

  She walked to the edge of the porch, clutching the sweater closed. “Merry Christmas.”

  “You should have slippers on.”

  “Did you drive all the way here from Nashville to tell me that?” She frowned and shook her head. “You said you were home last night when you called. What time did you leave?”

  “I don’t know. One, maybe? There’s not a lot of traffic in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, believe it or not.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels. “And I drove all the way here to tell you I love you.”

  “You told me that on the phone. I can’t... I can’t believe you’re really here.”

  “I know I told you on the phone. But I was lying in bed and missing you and it wasn’t enough. And it’s Christmas. I want to spend Christmas with the woman I love, so I drove all night and here I am.”

  Ava started moving again and, afraid she’d actually step down into the snow with bare feet, Jace moved swiftly to meet her at the bottom of the steps. She was at the perfect height to throw her arms around his neck and he caught her as she leapt. With her legs wrapped around his waist, she pressed her lips to his and every mile he’d driven in the dark was worth it.

  “I love you, Jace,” she said when she paused to take a breath.

  He squeezed her tight before closing his mouth over hers again. Then when he’d had his fill of kissing her—for now—he buried his face in her neck. “The last week has been the worst of my life. I thought the five and half years before that were hard, but having you again
and thinking I’d lost you forever... I don’t ever want to feel that again.”

  “I don’t, either.”

  “This is even better than the Christmas I got the Tonka trucks,” he said, and he lifted his head when she laughed. God, he loved that sound. “Let’s get you inside before you freeze.”

  “It’s not that cold.”

  “There’s snow. It’s cold enough. I hope your parents won’t mind me showing up.”

  She laughed again as he carried her across the porch. “Are you kidding? As soon as your truck pulled in, Dad said it was too bad we’re having pancakes instead of biscuits and gravy.”

  “Did your mom make blueberry syrup?”

  “Of course.”

  “Merry Christmas, Jace,” her mom said as Jace set Ava down inside the door.

  “Merry Christmas, Beth. Joe.” He shook her dad’s hand and kissed her mom’s cheek. “I hope you don’t mind me stopping by uninvited.”

  “Of course not.” Beth waved a hand at the couch. “Go sit. We already did presents and it’ll be a bit before breakfast is ready, but you look like you could use some coffee.”

  “Assuming you’re staying for a while,” Joe said, giving him a hard look.

  “I’ll be staying as long as Ava will have me.”

  She held her breath as the two men she loved seemed to engage in a stare-off, and then let it out in a rush when her dad nodded. “Good. Beth made that blueberry syrup you like.”

  While her mom fussed over Jace, Ava went to her room and retrieved the flat box wrapped in colorful Christmas paper. She wasn’t sure when she’d get a chance to give him the gift when she’d wrapped it, but now she was glad she’d taken the time.

  Carrying it back to the living room, she found Jace on the couch, sipping coffee while her parents were in the kitchen. It was the closest they could get to giving them some privacy, she presumed.

  “Merry Christmas,” she said, handing him the package.

  He set the coffee mug on the side table and patted the couch next to him. Once she was curled up against his side, he cupped the back of her head and gave her a kiss. But it was a quick one since the kitchen wasn’t that far away.