Indestructible Desire

by Danielle Jamie

  Looking towards Savannah, I can see the look of panic on her face. She’s just as uncomfortable with this situation as I am. But, Dr. Wilcott thinks opening up about my past will help me cope with everything going on right now.

  “Kayden, after hearing about the conflicting nightmares, I think you

  need to discuss the loss of your sister. Everything that's happened with

  Savannah seems to have triggered your brain to bring those memories to the surface. You can't ignore them and try to push them back. You need to face them and try to find closure." Dr. Wilcott says, eyeing me intently.

  Raking my hands through my hair, I take in a deep breath and decide to take the plunge. Better to jump straight in then slowly try to sink into this. Focusing on Dr. Wilcott, I finally will myself to speak, “I’ve never spoken to anyone about my sister, so it’s hard for me to do so with a total stranger. But if it means I can help myself and Savannah move past all of this I’m willing to do anything to have that happen.” I rub circles with the pad of my thumb on the top of Savannah’s hand as I speak. Trying to silently calm her as much as myself.

  “Well that’s great to hear Kayden. You said that your engagement was called off around the same time as your sister’s death? That was your last serious relationship you had before Savannah?”

  God that last thing I want to talk about is fuckin’ Lulu. I’ve tried as hard as I can to wipe away every fuckin’ ounce of that woman from my mind. Instantly become tense from Dr. Wilcott mentioning her, Savannah snaps her head towards me. I can see it in her eyes that she wants to know.

  I feel like shit because Savannah’s been so open with me. Yet I’ve note opened up, or revealed anything about my past to her. I hate dreading up the past, it’s the past and that’s where I feel it should stay. Knowing it all, I’m afraid will only cause more bad than good.

  “Yes my fiancée and I called off our engagement the day of my sisters funeral. I’d been with her since my freshman year of high school, and we broke up at the end of my sophomore year of college. It was devastating, and is the reason I close myself off from seriously relationships. I decided casual dating was the best choice for me. Especially with my family having money, I never knew who wanted me for me and not just because I have money.”

  Leaning back in her chair, Dr. Wilcott quickly types notes onto her tablet as I speak. Stopping, she bringing her gaze back to Savannah and I, but then turns her attention over to Savannah, asking her if she new any of this. I feel like a pile of rocks are sitting in the bottom of my stomach. Immediately I feel sick, and guilt stricken. Am I a horrible boyfriend for not telling Savannah any of this when we first got together?

  “No. I only know what I learned from my research I did for an article I worked on at my job. I didn’t want to pressure Kayden into talking about any of it until he felt he was ready.” Savannah says, her voice deflated and the sadness in it shreds me. Wanting to do something to comfort her, I take her chin into my hand, turning her face to look at me.

  “I feel like a complete ass right now baby, I should’ve told you all of this sooner. I was scared and…I hate that this is how you’re finding out.”

  Forcing a small smile on her face, Savannah cups my face between her delicate little hands. “I understand, and if Dr. Wilcott didn’t think discussing it right now was important for us to heal and move past all of this, I would tell you to wait as long as you need. I don’t care about any ex’s because I know I have your heart, and that’s all that matters to me Kayden.”

  I can’t believe what she’s saying. Any other woman I know would be going crazy, and throwing ultimatums at me. Every single day of my life with Savannah, she doesn’t seece to surprises me. Her heart is so big and beautiful. Savannah never asks for anything in return, except for me to love her back as strongly as she loves me. Not caring one iota that we’re in a doctor’s office, I kissed her, sliding my fingers into her hair. I kiss her with the intent of pushing away any fears she may have. I love her and that’ll never change.

  Leaning back against the couch, I resting my foot on my knee. I smile at her, as I lay my arm along the back of the couch behind her. It’s time to get my past out there on the table, “My ultimate goal is for Savannah and I to move past all the demons plaguing us, and if opening up and revealing my past will help us achieve that. I’m game.”

  “Glad to hear that Kayden, I think you two have the potential to live a long prosperous life together. You’ve both been through a lot, but with each others support, you two can get through this and come out stronger in the end. The main thing to remember is you need to always communication with each other. It’s the key to a successful relationship.”

  Deciding to just get it out there before I change my mind, I quickly say everything, laying it all out on the table.

  “When my sister was sick it was the hardest thing I though I’d ever have to go through. She had leukemia and after going through many rounds of chemo and radiation, she became I’ll. Her immune system was too weak, and couldn’t fend off the infection. We tried to keep her home as long as we possibly could, with nurses staying with us around the clock. But when they doctors gave us the new she wasn’t going to make it, it was devastating. We had to check her into the hospital and she began to have organ failure.”

  I don’t realize I’m crying until I feel Savannah’s finger, softly swipe the tear from my cheek. Not skipping a beat, I push myself to continue. “Through all of this, I was still attending the University of Texas, which was in my home town. It made it easier to continue with my classes and not fall behind, but still be by my sister’s side. Through it all, I had my girlfriend whom I’d become engaged to that past Christmas. She was there to lend and ear when I needed someone to vent to.”

  Thinking back to that time in my life, sends chills up my spine. It feels more like I’m talking about a sad movie, and not my real life. Stopping momentarily, I take a long swig from my glass of water, and try to compose myself. I sneak a quick glance at Savannah out of the corner of my eye, before continuing. She’s just staring at her lap, watching our hands interlocked together.

  “We were planning to wed that summer. We had our tuxes ordered, her wedding dress picked out, and Melody had picked out her bridesmaid dress. At the age of ten, she was at that point where girls love weddings, and going to florists, and bridal shops. Lulu and my mother took her all over, she absolutely loved it.”

  Stopping, I lean forward resting my face in my hands. It’s overwhelming talking about all of this. I haven’t spoken about this time in my life in so long. It’s taking every thing I have to not stand up and walk out right now.

  Doing a quick speech at a fundraiser I can handle. But going into detail about those last few weeks before we lost her, it’s overwhelming and emotionally draining. Scooting closer to me Savannah snuggles into my side, instantly helping me relax. With her by my side supporting me today, I get the strength to continue.

  “When Melody took a turn for the worse, I wanted to push the wedding up, but Lulu wanted to hold off and see if Melody would pull through it. I noticed the more ill Melody was becoming, the more Lulu was pulling away from me. I’d gotten her a job working the front desk at my father’s hotel in Austin, because she needed extra money to pay tuition. It felt like other then in school and at the hospital, we didn’t really see each other. She used the excuse work, and school work was taking up all of her time.”

  Standing abruptly, I ask to have a moment alone to clear my head. Savannah’s eyes are as big as saucers as I stand and make my way towards the bathroom. Leaning against the bathroom cabinet, I stare at myself in the mirror. I look as bad as I fuckin’ feel at the moment. I want to keep going, but it feels like someone is compressing my lungs, not allowing a drop of air to enter or exit them. I think I’m having my first panic attack, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I hate feeling like I don’t have control of a situation.

  Leaning against the wall, I close my eyes, and try to focus on my brea
thing. Slowly in and out, over and over as I feel my heart rate start to slowly return to normal. I can hear Savannah and Dr. Wilcott talking other the other side of the wall. I can’t help but feel bad for her. Savannah is more than likely thinking that I feel pressured into this. But I don’t. I know I have to get this out of me, in order to truly cope and move on from the pain my past has burdened me with.

  Feeling better, I slowly open the door and make my way over to the couch. Sitting down beside Savannah, I give her a reassuring smile, “I feel better, and I just needed to take a moment.” I say before turning my attention back to Dr. Wilcott and continuing.

  “The day I lost my sister, it was just my mother and I. My father was no where to be found. Over the last weeks of her life, my father was MIA. Usually drowning himself in a bottle of scotch, and working until the wee hours of the night. Leaving me to care for my mother as she fell apart. I was only twenty years old, and hated him for putting all of that onto my shoulders. But I had to be strong for my mother; I was all she had left. My grandmother was in a home with dementia, and my grandfather wasn’t the comforting kind. He loved us but with a firm hand, his life revolved around runnin’ Beaumont Industries.”

  Savannah’s grip on my hand immediately gets tighter as I begin to open up about Melody. I gently squeeze her hand, trying to show her I’m okay, and hopefully help her relax.

  Turning my attention towards the floor length windows over looking the many sky scrapers, I try to focus on anything but Savannah or Dr. Wilcott. “Slowly I began to resent my father. He should’ve been cherishing every last second he had with Melody. Instead he stayed away, claiming it was too hard and he didn’t want to remember her that way. It broke my heart, seeing the hurt in my sisters eyes every time he didn‘t come to see her.”

  Taking another deep breath, I push on, “The morning of her funeral, I was a complete and total mess. But trying to be the rock my mom needed I pushed my sadness into the back of mind. I didn’t allow myself to cry, or show any sign of weakness. I had to show my mother and my family that I could be strong for her.

  After the funeral we had a small gathering with family and close friends at our house. Little did I know that in the matter of three days, I would lose my sister, the father I once new and the woman I gave my heart to. Near the end of the evening, I went to find my father. My mother wanted him to say goodbye to some guests that were leaving. Boy did I get the biggest shock of my fuckin’ life, when I opened his office door.

  I froze in the doorway, as I stood there witnessing my father, the great Victor Knox who put on the act of being the doting husband, and dedicated father at my football games. As he was piling driving my fiancée…right there on his desk. Right beside the many pictures of myself, my mother and sister. All I saw was red. I had just buried my sister, and now discovered my girlfriend was fuckin’ my father.

  Without even thinking, I charged in and beat him to a bloody pulp. My mother was completely shattered, and beyond mortified. We still had guests in our home that came to pay their respects to our family. The worst day of our lives, had in an instant became even more horrifying then we ever could’ve imagined.”

  Savannah let out a small gasp and covered her mouth with her hands. Ripping my gaze from the cars zipping by below, I focused them on her. On the tears streamed down her face. Seeing her hurting for me makes my heart skip a beat. Talking about all of this has been more than I can handle, but I‘m happy I finally did. Sliding my hands into my hair, I swallow hard, trying to wet my now dry mouth.

  Savannah’s known my relationship with my father is strained but we still have to see each other for work, and fundraisers. Him living in Nashville now makes it easier, compared to when they lived in Texas still.

  It’s hard enough having to see him with Luanne, but now Savannah knowing she was the woman I almost married. I’m afraid she won’t be able to handle knowing she’s in my life still. I don’t want her to think for even a second I still love Lulu, because I don’t. I lost any bit of love I had for her that day. My entire heart, mind, body and soul belong completely to the gorgeous blonde sitting beside me.

  “Luanne? Your father’s fiancée…your future step mother! Is the woman that you were planning on spending the rest of your life with?” Savannah blurts out, her voice shaky as she attempts to hold back the shock and anger in her voice.

  “Yes.” Is all I could say at the moment. I feel raw, exposed and broken as I lay everything out before her. Revealing all of my painful memories from my past; memories I swore I was never going to relive ever again. But because I love Savannah with every fiber of my being, I put it all out there. Showing her my demons, in hopes that I can finally move on, removing the shackles that were imprisoning me to my painful past.

  “Wow. I cannot believe you never told me Kayden! I assumed it was some random girl from high school that you hadn’t seen in six years. I’ve spent an entire evening with her at Melody’s fundraiser. I made small talk with that woman, and talked with your father. Thinking whatever was going on between you two, would maybe be fixable. But this…this is just insane! How does a father do this to his son?”

  “I’ve asked myself the same fuckin’ question over the years. The guy I looked up to and wanted to be like, betrayed me in the worst way possible. All he says about the matter, is you can’t control who you fall in love with.” I spit out between clenched teeth. I have so much anger coursing through my body. I need to do something to get out the anger boiling in my blood. I think a long intense workout is needed after this session.

  Dr. Wilcott spent the next thirty minutes of our session, talking about ways to move past my pent up anger. Suggesting I meet with my father and Luanne, with soul purpose of getting everything out that I’m feeling. She said once I do that, it’ll be easier for me to find closure, and maybe repair my relationship with my dad. Only thing is, I don’t know if I can do that, or if I even want to repair our relationship.

  She said she wants me to continue joining Savannah for the next two weeks that she’s scheduled to see her. Dr. Wilcott thinks that talking with her and opening up more to Savannah about my past, and guilt I have about her kidnapping will help with my nightmares. And help us build a strong foundation for our relationship.

  I plan on proposing to Savannah soon. Ever since her kidnapping and accident, having the hospital tell me I’m not family. Almost not being able to be by her side, it almost killed me. I want to spend the rest of my life loving her, and protecting her. I need to work on healing myself, so I can help her heal. Then we can have our happily ever after, filled with blue, and greened eyed kids running around Sugarland. Just thinking about our future together, is settling a calm over me. Saying goodbye, slipping our appointment card into my pocket for Wednesday, we say goodbye to Dr. Wilcott.

  ***

  Chapter Fourteen

  ***

  Kayden

  Standing on the sidewalk outside of Dr. Wilcotts office, I pull Savannah into a tight embrace and kiss her passionately. Slowly slipping my tongue into her mouth caressing it against hers. I love the feeling of her arms wrapped around me, and her mouth against mine. I’m the luckiest man on the damn planet, because she loves me. Unconditionally, whole heartedly…Savannah Livingston loves me. Even with all of my faults, and jaded past she loves me no less.

  I could care less that there’re people all around, the only thing on my mind right now is her. It feels great having no secrets left between us. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Now we can take the step to help piece each other back together.

  “What was that for?” Savannah asks. Letting out a nervous laugh as she eyes a group of teenagers making cat calls at us, as they make their way into the café next door.

  Smiling momentarily at the group of boys, I give them a friendly wave and turn my attention back to my gorgeous girlfriend. “That was for being you, baby. For loving me, and taking a chance on a man with a darkened soul. Each day that I have you in my life, I
feel that darkness seeping away, and a light slowly beginning to brighten it.”

  ***

  Savannah

  My brain’s on over load right now, as I process everything Kayden told me yesterday. Now I gotta try and focus to get this work done. It’s my first day back to work, and I can’t for the life of me focus on my list of to do’s Eloise sent me. To top it off my parents fly in today. They’ll be staying in Galveston for a few days before they get back on the road for the next leg of their tour.

  Kayden seemed like he needed some space, and I know I did to process everything he revealed. So after our session yesterday I came back here and he went to Knox Hotel to work out, shower and then head to the office to get some work done. I spent the rest of the afternoon yesterday with Brooklyn, filling her in on everything that Kayden revealed.