Dastardly Deeds

by Evans, Ilsa

  Tessa settled back in her seat, casting Petra a suspicious glance. Ruby came up and sat on my armrest. Quinn was with her, looking unsteady in heeled boots.

  I raised an eyebrow. ‘Where did you get those?’

  ‘I lent them to her,’ said Ruby. ‘We’re looking for that group I was with yesterday. Have you seen them?’

  ‘I didn’t even know you were with a group yesterday. How nice. Have you made some friends then?’

  ‘Yes, Mummy, I have.’ She clapped her hands together with exaggerated joy. ‘We’re trying to arrange a play date. Maybe watch some Sesame Street.’

  ‘Really?’ I ignored the chuckles of those around me. ‘You smell of cigarettes. Have you started smoking again?’

  Ruby waved a hand dismissively. ‘Hey, guess who we saw downstairs talking with Lew?’

  ‘Tom Selleck?’ said Petra hopefully.

  ‘Who? No – Ashley! You know, from home!’ She twisted towards me. ‘Did you know Ashley was coming?’

  ‘That’s right!’ Petra grinned as she glanced down at my dress. ‘I forgot he was due today. Int-er-esting.’

  I spoke stiffly. ‘I only found out a couple of days ago.’

  ‘I like Ashley,’ said Quinn. She examined one of her booted feet.

  Tessa put down her drink, beaming. ‘Do you know, I just realised! We’re three sets of sisters here!’

  ‘Not a complete set,’ said Ruby flatly. ‘I have another three sisters at home.’

  ‘Actually four.’ Tessa was still smiling. ‘You’ve forgotten Sophie.’

  ‘I’ll start including her after I meet her,’ said Ruby rather rudely. She jumped up. ‘C’mon, Quinn, let’s go.’

  Tessa stared after her expressionlessly. Then she rose also, smoothing down her jeans. ‘I’m off too. Going to get changed for dinner. I’ve been feeling a little seasick so hopefully food’ll settle it. Were you going to lend me that white top, Deb?’

  ‘Sure.’ Deb finished her drink quickly. ‘See you two later.’

  I watched them leave. Tessa’s jeans were like a second skin.

  ‘Your daughter needs to learn subtlety,’ said Petra. ‘But Darcy’s a fool. He definitely traded down.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I smiled warmly.

  ‘Yes. Hmm, maybe she’s amazing in the sack.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said again.

  ‘So …’ She turned her attention to me. ‘Nice dress.’

  ‘I packed it before I even knew he was coming,’ I said defensively. ‘And besides, he’s brought someone. Probably that Holly he was going out with.’

  She looked at me curiously. ‘Do you regret breaking up with him?’

  ‘Not really. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to regret having forced my hand.’

  She grinned, and then lifted her glass. We clinked. The sun had dipped into a miasma of soft peach. Phoebe came onto the deck from the other end and hesitated uncertainly before she spotted Donald and Scott talking at the bar.

  ‘There you are,’ said a voice behind me. I turned to see Yen frowning. She was looking disturbingly slinky in a black silk pantsuit. ‘C’mon, Enid’s waiting.’

  ‘Enid?’ Petra looked from Yen to me. ‘Why?’

  I’d forgotten about the arrangement. I glanced up at the clock suspended over the poolside stage. ‘It’s not even dinnertime yet!’

  ‘Yes, but she likes to be the first one there.’

  I’d had a loose plan of either running into Ashley for the first time here, on the pool deck, or by making an entrance into the restaurant after everyone was seated. I would pause, my wrap dangling from one arm, and casually acknowledge his presence before being swept away by the greetings of others. Being there thirty minutes early alongside an impatient nonagenarian was not quite the look I’d been aiming for. I sighed crossly.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Petra demanded.

  ‘We’re having dinner with Enid,’ I said quickly. ‘Doing Yen a favour.’

  Petra laughed as she stood. ‘You’re on your own there. I’m off to get changed.’

  ‘Come along,’ said Yen impatiently.

  I followed her down the stairs. She was remarkably sprightly for a woman of her age. I chose to see that as a positive sign for my future.

  Uncle Jim stood in the foyer outside the restaurant. He was looking suave, if slightly awkward, in a navy suit. He looked more like an ageing Buddy Holly than ever. Enid was by his side, wearing a caftan affair that extenuated her triangular shape. She was leaning on a brass-handled cane.

  ‘’Lo, Nell, love,’ said Uncle Jim. ‘Thanks for this.’

  Enid muttered something that sounded vaguely obscene. It occurred to me that she was not enamoured of our date either. I warmed to her.

  ‘All right then.’ Yen slipped her arm through Uncle Jim’s. ‘We’d best be off.’

  They left quickly, before I could even wish them a good evening. Or ask what to do with my charge once the meal was finished. I kept pace with Enid as we entered the restaurant, to the surprise of the staff who were still putting the finishing touches to the table settings. It was definitely not the entrance I had envisaged.

  ‘That’s my chair.’ Enid used her cane to point at our table. She made her way over and sat heavily. ‘I’ll have a chardonnay, thanks.’

  ‘I don’t think the wine waiters are ready to take orders. But, um … okay, how about I get some from one of the other bars?’

  She nodded regally, as if doing me a favour. This was going to be a long evening.

  I made my way back through to the piano bar, where a cluster of more patient diners were having pre-dinner drinks. I lined up and then realised that I’d managed to catch my wrap in the zip at the back of my dress. I twisted, trying to free it, but it was firmly caught. I draped the wrap over both arms to hide the problem and resolved to visit the bathroom as soon as I had delivered Enid’s drink. Unfortunately, as I took the glasses from the bartender, the wrap immediately slipped free to hang down my back like a cape. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Paisley Woman!

  ‘Need a hand?’ asked Ashley. He was grinning, well aware of my surprise. He was looking good too, his cragginess softened by a grey vest worn over a loose black shirt and pants.

  I mustered sangfroid, a little difficult with a glass in each hand. ‘How are you?’

  He nodded, smiling, as if that was answer enough. ‘You should wear orange more often. It suits you. Um, has that dress got wings?’

  ‘No. Did you know I was going on this trip when you signed up?’

  ‘Of course. It was part of the appeal.’ He reached around to lift one end of my wrap. ‘What the hell is this then?’

  I jerked away, managing to spill chardonnay over one hand. ‘Don’t you think it’s a little awkward though?’

  ‘Well, actually, yes.’ He let go of the wrap, letting it flop against my dress. ‘And to be honest, it takes away from the whole flow.’

  ‘You idiot. You know what I mean.’

  He finally looked serious. ‘Well, maybe a bit. But Christ, we’re not teenagers; we’re two adults who enjoyed each other’s company for a while and then moved on. If anything, it should be worse for me, given you’re the one who dumped me.’

  ‘That’s not quite what happened.’ I was beginning to find the glasses rather heavy. There was also wine dribbling down my arm. ‘And I meant more that I’ve already got my ex-husband here with his new partner, and now I’ve got you and yours. Even for adults, that’s a little awkward.’

  ‘Mine?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You said me and mine.’

  ‘Well, yes. You brought someone with you, didn’t you?’

  ‘But why would he make things awkward? He’s a pretty chilled dude. Here, let me.’ He took the glasses from my hands. ‘Where are you taking these?’

  ‘Into the restaurant.’

  ‘Already?’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘Good food, is it? Okay, you go ahead. I’ll be right behind you.’

  I frowned a
s I watched him detour, with my wineglasses, over to a table in the corner. Lew was there, along with a man with a carrot-top buzz cut. I wondered if that was the chilled dude. I seemed to have been left with little choice other than to continue to stand there self-consciously, or head through to the restaurant. I opted for the latter, pausing along the way to tug my wrap roughly, welcoming the sound of the material tearing free.

  ‘Ah, company,’ said Enid. She had a glass of wine before her and a bowl of crusty bread. Both were half empty.

  ‘Oh, you got wine?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Okay. Good.’ I smoothed my dress. I wasn’t sure who the chilled dude was, but there certainly didn’t seem to be a romantic component involved.

  ‘So what’s your story?’ asked Enid. She was peering at me curiously.

  ‘Ah, um. I’m a newspaper columnist. I’ve got five daughters and two grandchildren. I live in Majic, same as Yen and Uncle Jim.’

  ‘Don’t mumble. So … married? Divorced? Widowed? Straight? Gay?’

  ‘Divorced. Straight.’

  ‘Me too. Straight, that is. Just in case you get any ideas.’

  I blinked, and then realised that a small smile was tugging at her mouth.

  ‘Drinks, ladies,’ said Ashley, placing a glass before each of us. He smiled at Enid. ‘The name’s Ashley.’

  ‘Enid Hurley. Where did you spring from?’

  ‘I just joined the cruise today.’ He slid into the chair beside me. ‘Along with my cousin Nick. I’m sure you’ll meet him later.’

  ‘Does he look like you?’

  ‘Not much.’

  ‘Pity.’ She pulled the fresh glass of wine closer and appeared to lose interest in Ashley.

  Ashley grinned as he turned to me. ‘It occurs to me that you thought I was here with a female friend. That was what you thought might be awkward. Dare I hope there might have been a little jealousy there too?’

  ‘Depends on your imagination, I suppose.’

  His grin widened as he leant back. ‘Oh, I have a rocking imagination. You should know that.’

  I glanced across at Enid. She was drinking contentedly. I followed suit, but only to buy time. So he had brought his cousin along.

  ‘And I see you’ve lost your wings?’

  I put my glass down. ‘It was actually a cape. But I decided I’d saved enough lives for one day.’

  ‘What if I need CPR? Would you oblige?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Enid, buttering a piece of bread.

  I was still watching Ashley. ‘Are you flirting with me?’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake.’ Enid dropped her knife with a clatter. ‘Of course he is! And you’re not supposed to ask, just go with the flow.’

  A stocky waiter came over with menus, flipping each open as he placed them before us. I read mine without registering a single option. I had expected a certain frisson between us, even when I had thought he’d been attached, but he seemed to have leapt ahead several bases. I was feeling a little blindsided.

  ‘Are those seats taken?’ asked Tessa. Darcy stood beside her, glancing from Ashley to me. He nodded stiffly.

  ‘Yes,’ said Enid.

  ‘That’s fine.’ Darcy looked relieved. ‘We’ll set up camp at the other end.’

  Ashley watched them settle. ‘Did he fall into a bucket of bleached teeth first?’

  ‘Play nice,’ I said shortly.

  ‘Oh, I will. I’m looking forward to having a drink with the old Darce.’

  I glanced at him suspiciously. I had managed to keep the two men apart for much of the time that Ashley and I had dated, mainly for my own sense of equilibrium. I didn’t need that disturbed now.

  ‘Here we go.’ Ashley had twisted in his chair. The large man from the piano bar stood there awkwardly. He had the pale, freckled skin of a true redhead. He also looked like an ageing American jock – the type that was usually hanging off the back of a fire truck or lined up with his fellow marines. ‘Let me introduce my cousin, Nick Armistead. He’s my cruise buddy.’

  Greetings were offered by all except Enid, whose eyes were closed. Nick sat down heavily, putting his beer on the table and then staring at it.

  ‘Nick’s a man of few words,’ said Ashley. ‘Nick, this is the famous Nell Forrest. You may have heard me mention her.’

  ‘Hardly famous,’ I demurred, giving Nick my best smile.

  He nodded. I wasn’t sure if this was in agreement or not.

  ‘Nick’s been living in Queensland for the past fifteen years,’ explained Ashley. ‘He only just moved down to Victoria with his family a few months ago.’

  ‘You don’t have a purple suitcase, do you?’ I asked. ‘With a sparkly tag?’

  He flushed, the colour clashing horribly with his hair. ‘It’s the wife’s.’

  Others had started to flow into the restaurant now, the waiters working hard to fill wineglasses and deliver menus. I could see Phoebe sitting by herself at the table on the lower level. I took a sip of wine and then glanced up to find Nick watching me. He flushed again. The colour really didn’t suit him.

  I spoke quickly to break the discomfort. ‘So you’re taking a holiday together?’

  ‘Yep,’ said Ashley. ‘Apparently someone only wanted the first two days of the cruise and we wanted the rest, so it worked out perfectly.’

  I sent evil thoughts in Lyn Russo’s direction. Given she had been boring me stupid with her family’s plans for months, surely she could have also shared this little tidbit. Unless she didn’t know, in which case I blamed Lew. Again.

  ‘So Nick here’s been given a leave pass by his lovely wife. See, our grandfather was at Gallipoli. He had his eighteenth birthday there. We’ve always wanted to go. Pay our respects.’

  ‘Oh, he was killed there?’ I looked at them both with sympathy.

  ‘That’s right,’ said Ashley. ‘But fortunately he’d just posted enough sperm home to father both our dads.’

  Nick spat beer across the table. A straight line of foam soaked into the tablecloth.

  ‘Very funny,’ I said disdainfully.

  ‘Well, think about it Nell. He was our grandfather.’

  ‘And for all I know, he might have impregnated half of Melbourne before he left. Seventeen-year-olds are like rabbits.’

  ‘Which would make my father about one hundred years old. He would have been past fifty when he fathered me.’

  ‘A reaction to the promiscuity of his own father. He wanted to be the opposite.’

  ‘She’s got you there,’ said Nick. He shot me an appreciative glance.

  ‘Why is the cloth wet?’ asked Enid grumpily. ‘Did someone spill my wine?’

  ‘You finished them yourself,’ I said, swallowing a smile.

  Right on cue, a wine waiter materialised to replenish our drinks. She was closely followed by the stocky waiter to collect orders for the meal. We all hurriedly make selections. Petra and Lew arrived in the middle of this, the latter immediately causing a fuss over the rearrangement of the table to accommodate his wheelchair. Petra gave Ashley a hug and was introduced to Nick.

  As everybody settled, I glanced across at Ashley and he gave me a broad wink. I raised an eyebrow. Man flirts with woman on cruise. Sociologists baffled.

  The truth was that I was feeling seriously chuffed. When I was young, about the same age as my daughters were now, I had assumed that flirtation, and being obviously admired, was something that lost much of its allure as one aged. I was an idiot. It was as enjoyable, and ego-boosting, as it ever had been. Perhaps even more so. My ego really needed some boosting. Ashley could be infuriating beyond words, and sometimes our conversations were more joust-like than I would have preferred, but I never felt that I wasn’t at the centre of his attention. This trip, already quite amazingly wonderful, had just gained a whole new layer of interest.

  Chapter 7

  Other things that make me grumpy are people who drive slow in the fast lane, politicians, speedos, 4WDs, health insurance, and that g
uy on Game of Thrones who skins everyone.

  Morning found us back on the same bus, with the same driver, and with Ali standing once more in the centre aisle speaking about olives. I was even wearing the same outfit as the previous day, except I had replaced the floral hat with plain black felt. There was still a lot of traffic in Canakkale, with a line of buses waiting for the ferry that would carry us over the Dardanelle Straits. As we drew closer, it became obvious that the ferry itself was huge, with room for about five buses closely parked in the hold. The Russos stood nearby waiting, all of them smiling except Griffin.

  Once aboard the ferry, we were allowed to sit upstairs, where we were surrounded by hawkers whose speciality appeared to be multi-coloured slippers. Tepid sunshine kept the weather mild, with even the breeze noncommittal. It had a tranquillity that suited my mood perfectly. This was due in no small part to the enjoyment of the previous evening. After dinner we had adjourned to the piano bar for drinks. Even Enid had joined us. The easy conversation had revealed several interesting pieces of information. For instance, Nick had a wife and a pigeon pair of children back home, Lew thought Scott was a poser and Donald a wet blanket, Enid had worked as a nurse for fifty-two years before retirement, and Ashley was quite definitely keen. On me.

  The ferry chugged smoothly into the port. Disembarking took a while and then the buses formed a convoy as they drove along the coast towards Gallipoli. The skill of the drivers was put to the test as the road narrowed; other buses had parked haphazardly along the verge. Our driver steered into the tightest of spaces and I tucked my handbag under the seat before piling off the bus to join the swelling crowd.

  The amount of people both added to and detracted from the impact. I took off my hat and made my way along the beach, stepping carefully over the large pebbles, shading my eyes as I gazed at the looming cliffs. I tried to picture the young men spilling from the boats, already under fire, and then scrambling towards a safety that was deceptive at best. I felt a surge of anger towards the military bigwigs who had sat out the conflict in relative peace, manipulating the lives of others as if they really were just pins on a board. And all for nothing. Gallipoli was the most fruitless of campaigns.