At Her Own Risk

by Rachael Duncan

  My head leans back and I close my eyes, picturing a day where cancer is no longer at the forefront of our minds, and treatments aren’t an everyday occurrence.

  When I open them, Sean is pinching the bridge of his nose then goes back to pecking away at his phone. He’s focused, and judging by the force behind each tap, frustrated too. The dark circles around his eyes have become more prominent as he stays up late to work because he’s here with me during the day. He internalizes the strain it’s putting on him, but I see it anyway.

  “Sean, if you need to go to the office to get some work done, I still have a while longer until I can leave. Why don’t you go and come pick me up later?”

  “I’m right where I wanna be. Plus, I kind of have an in with the CEO, so I think I’m fine.” He winks and it goes straight to my heart even if I’m not convinced everything is okay.

  “What are you so frustrated about over there then?”

  He shakes his head with a sigh. “It’s nothing for you to worry about.”

  “Ah, yes. I forgot. I’m a woman and my place is in the kitchen.” I try to keep the grin off my face, but my lips start to twitch.

  His expression falls as he looks at me less than amused. “You’re too much sometimes, you know that?” I don’t think he wants an actual response, so I wait for him to tell me what’s pissing him off. “I don’t want to bitch about the office idiots to you.”

  My eyebrows pull in. “Why not?”

  “Compared to what you’re going through, it’s trivial. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but it’s something that requires my attention or my dad will be on my ass about it.”

  For all the times I thought he was a complete ass over the years, he sure has shown me how wrong I was. He is the most caring and considerate guy I’ve ever met, and I love him for it. “Please. It’ll be nice to hear someone else’s problems for a change.” I plead with my eyes, wanting him to talk about something mundane and trivial to make me feel normal.

  And he does.

  He lets out a sigh. “Our regional manager out in our western division has missed hitting his quarterly numbers for the second time in a row. At first, I thought it could be a geography issue since places like California were hit the hardest during the housing crisis, but I don’t think that’s the case.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I’ve been researching different markets and there are all kinds of opportunities for him to be meeting our standards, but he’s just not doing it. His loan officers should be loaning out way more money than they are, but I can’t figure out why.” Sean rubs the back of his neck and I can tell this issue is a point of frustration for him. I wish there was a way for me to help, but I’m a little out of my element here.

  “How long has he been with the company? Maybe it’s a training issue,” I suggest.

  He shakes his head. “He’s been in his current position for three years. He knows how to do his job or he wouldn’t have it. Anyway, I’ve been asking him for detailed summaries of the numbers he’s provided me and he has yet to send them my way. I want to see if there are particular branches in his area performing poorly, or if it’s his region as a whole.”

  “Do you think he’s hiding something?”

  “I have no idea, but it’s starting to feel that way.”

  Sean explains how a guy in his regional manager’s position could be caught skimming from the top and doctoring the books to cover his tracks. I’d assume there were certain procedures in place to stop something like that, but he tells me there are always ways around safe guards.

  As he talks through the situation, I see the weight being lifted off of his shoulders. It’s like he just needed someone to vent to, and I’m glad that person was me. I was able to help him, but also lose myself in something insignificant that isn’t life or death.

  Paige

  I TRIED TO prepare myself for this. I really did. I told myself I would be okay with it when it happened.

  But I’m not.

  Finding out you have cancer is hard enough, but there’s something about seeing your hair fall out in clumps that’s a different kind of traumatizing. I dread showers since it’s the most obvious when there’s a huge ball in the bottom of the drain and avoid combing it at all costs.

  Doctors told me some patients don’t lose their hair, but if you do, it normally happens two to three weeks after treatment begins. They were right. Toward the end of my first rest period, I noticed the thinning around my hairline in the front and how it didn’t seem as thick when I’d pull it into a ponytail. I’m on day three of my second round of treatment, and I can’t hide it anymore.

  Sean brought me back to his place today after my chemo. I’m too tired to argue with him. Plus, I miss sleeping next to him, but staying the night means being vulnerable to my latest insecurity.

  “Where are you going?” Sean asks when I stand up from the couch.

  “Bathroom.”

  Concern flashes across his face. “Are you okay? Do you feel sick?” He gets up quickly and rushes to my side.

  I look at him in admiration, his need to care for me melting my heart. “I’m fine. I just have to pee.”

  “Want me to help you?”

  I shake my head. “I’ve got it.”

  After I finish doing my business, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I’m washing my hands. Panic hits me fast as my eyes widen and my face pales.

  Shit. I don’t have any of my things with me to help hide the thinner spots on my head. I found curling it adds more volume. He’s going to have to take me home.

  Coming out of the bathroom, I say, “Sean, I need to go back to my place.”

  His eyebrows pull in as he studies me. “Why?” he asks gently, sensing my frantic state.

  “I just do.”

  He stands up again and approaches me. Grabbing both of my hands, his blue eyes stare into my hazel ones. “What happened? Why are you so worked up right now?”

  “I’m not, I just want to sleep in my own bed.”

  “Paige, your whole body is trembling right now. Be straight with me.”

  His eyes are kind as they plead with me to be open and honest. It’s more than I can take and I break down into tears.

  Strong arms are around me in a second as he crushes me to his chest. “Shhh, talk to me, Paige. What’s going on in that brain of yours?”

  “My h-hair,” I say through my sobs. “It’s falling out.”

  His hold on me tightens, providing warmth and comfort. “Why do you need to go home then?”

  Burying my face in his chest so I don’t have to look at him, I respond, “Because I don’t want you to see it.”

  He pushes me away gently, but I keep my eyes trained on the floor between us. “Paige, look at me.” He doesn’t continue until I comply. “You don’t have to hide from me. You don’t have to be scared or nervous to talk to me. You’re just as beautiful to me now as you were when I first laid eyes on you, don’t you understand that?”

  Apparently I hesitate too long for his liking because he’s pulling on my arm and leading me to his bedroom. “Where are we going?”

  “We’re taking a shower.”

  I stop in my tracks and resist when he gently tugs. “I can’t.”

  “You can.”

  New tears form in my eyes as I beg him not to make me do this.

  He drops my hand, reaches behind him and pulls his shirt over his head. Pure perfection stares at me with his bronzed skin and lean, toned body.

  “Your turn,” he instructs. I shake my head while he nods. “Just trust me.” His whisper sounds like a plea of its own.

  With a deep breath, I cross my arms and remove my shirt, standing there in a bra and sweats. “Bra too, gorgeous. Then we’re even.” He winks and if I wasn’t so terrified right now, I’d grin.

  My hands shake as I reach behind me and unclasp my bra. Being nude isn’t what’s upsetting; he’s seen me naked plenty of times. It’s him seeing me naked lik
e this. I’m becoming a shell of the person I was and I hate it.

  Next, he unbuttons his pants and lets them fall, standing before me in his black boxers. He nods his head, gesturing for me to follow.

  I close my eyes and pull down my sweatpants. When he removes his boxers, I begrudgingly take off my underwear without his instruction.

  “Perfect. Now let’s get in.” He holds his hand out to me and waits for me to take it. I feel like it could bite me. Once I grab it, there’s no getting out of this. I’ll be committed to this damn shower with him whether I like it or not. And he’ll see once and for all what cancer is doing to me.

  I look at the blurry man in front of me, so desperate to get me to trust him and giving me nothing but reasons to. Taking his hand, I shut my eyes and let him lead me to the bathroom.

  I turn away from the mirror not wanting to see my reflection as I stand here without any clothes. The sound of water hitting the shower wall meets my ears. It’s not long before I feel the steam in the air.

  “Open your eyes,” Sean says into my ear. When I do, he’s staring intently at me. “I want you to see what I see. Turn around and look at yourself.”

  My eyebrows pull in and my face distorts like I’m in physical pain at the suggestion. His soft touch meets my shoulders, and he gently spins me around.

  Swallowing hard, I grab every ounce of strength I possess and open my eyes.

  I will be fearless. I will be brave. I will be strong.

  I repeat this as I take in the figure before me.

  Everything about me screams I’m sick. How he could stand to look at me right now is beyond me. I’ve lost so much weight my pelvis juts outs unnaturally. My skin is a deathly shade of pale, the only color are the darkened circles around my eyes. My cheeks are sunken in and my eyes are dull and lifeless. Then there’s the port catheter in my chest where my medicine is injected, reminding me why I look and feel this way.

  “You see this line right here?” Sean asks as his finger trails down the side of my neck and across my collarbone. “It’s my favorite. So elegant and sexy. I have a hard time not kissing you there every moment of every day.

  “You see your eyes? They’re the windows to your soul. Whenever I want to know how you’re feeling, they tell me everything, even when you’re too afraid to say it.”

  I follow his eyes as they look at my port catheter. I search for something to cover up with, but nothing is within reach. “I know you’re worried about the scar this is going to leave, but do you know what I see what I look at it?” I don’t respond. “I see the lifeline that is keeping you here with me.”

  My eyes sting and my nose burns as I try to hold off the tears that threaten to consume me.

  “Do you see your mouth? You’re probably thinking I’m going to mention how much I love your kiss, and while that’s not wrong, I love your mouth for so much more. It’s not what it does, but what comes out of it. From the sharp wit that gives my ass a run for its money, to the sheer intellect that amazes me. I never tire of listening to what you have to say and am always eager to hear what’s next.”

  I sniffle as my heart breaks and soars all at the same time. Never in my life have I had a man strip me down to my most vulnerable state only to build me back up where I feel how special I am to him.

  “I love you,” I croak out, the tears finally spilling over.

  “And I love you, gorgeous. Always.”

  Stripping away my last insecurity, we get into the shower and I let the hot water beat down over me. Sean takes special care to wash every inch of my body, but I can’t let him wash my hair.

  “Let me do it.” I stare up at him, waiting for him to fight me, but he doesn’t. Squirting the shampoo into my hand, I gently massage my hair, praying no more falls out. When my hands pull away from my scalp, strands of hair hang off of them.

  My lip trembles as I stare at them in defeat. There’s no stopping this no matter how hard I pray.

  Sean’s fingers go to my chin, and he tilts my head up. “It’s going to be okay.” With conviction in his eyes, I almost believe it. Leaning down, he gives me a kiss.

  I pour all my fear, doubt, self-loathing, and insecurities into this kiss and he takes every bit of it. He’s the first to pull away. “Let’s get you rinsed off and dried, okay?”

  Once we’re out of the shower, he tucks me into his bed and snuggles up behind me. I focus on his strong arms before I drift off to sleep and pretend cancer can’t get to me as long as he’s holding me.

  The next morning I’m met with clarity. Divulging my insecurities and facing them head-on was cathartic in a way. So with renewed energy and determination, I get out of bed with one mission before I go in for radiation.

  “What are you looking for?” Sean asks when he sees me searching through the bathroom cabinets.

  “Clippers.”

  “Why?” His voice is still groggy with sleep as he yawns.

  “I’m going to shave my head.”

  The look of surprise on his face is one I’ll never forget. I’m sure that was the last thing he expected me to say. “Without sounding stupid, why?”

  “I have no control. Cancer is in the driver’s seat and I’m just along for the ride. But I have control over this. I’m going to embrace this hurdle in my life and I’m going to choose to be bald instead of the choice being made for me.”

  A slow grin spreads across his face that’s mixed with admiration and pride. “Let’s do it then.”

  His support means the world to me. This may seem like a small victory to some, but it’s the only one I have right now. The fact that he gets it is why he’s my light in the dark.

  It’s amazing how far we’ve come in the three and a half months we decided to be more than friends with benefits. I went from being hesitant in trusting him with my heart to leaning on him completely for strength. Looking back, I don’t know how I functioned without him. The thought is both scary and welcomed.

  Finding a small stool, I pull it into the bathroom and wait for Sean to return with my weapon. When he comes back in, I ask, “Will you do it?” He freezes for a moment, not sure what to say. “I can’t see the back, and even though I want to do this, I’m not sure I have the courage to.”

  His eyes soften and he stands behind me. “Anything for you, Paige. You know that.”

  My heart is heavy, my nerves are a jumbled mess, and my stomach is filled with lead the moment he turns the clippers on. I resist the urge to close my eyes, needing to see him do this.

  When it touches my head, my lips press together to keep them from trembling. His gaze finds mine in the mirror, as if needing affirmation one more time. I barely nod and he glances back down at my head.

  The first pass of the clippers is harder than I imagined as I watch my long, blond hair fall to the floor. My breath hitches and one tear rolls down my cheek. He brings his hand back to the front of my hairline and drags it back down to cut off another row.

  As more and more skin replaces hair, I feel like I’m losing a piece of myself. I stop trying to hold in the tears and let them fall one by one as I watch Sean’s hand intently. When it’s done, I feel like I can breathe for the first time. A new person stares back at me in the mirror. I realize while I’ve lost something superficial, I’ve gained something invaluable.

  Strength.

  For the first time since he started cutting my hair, I look up at him. His eyes are red-rimmed as he watches me in pain. It’s the first time I’ve seen him show so much emotion since my diagnosis. He’s always so good at keeping it together for me. But where I’d expect to see hurt and sorrow in his expression, I see something else completely.

  Admiration.

  “You are the bravest, strongest person I’ve ever met in my whole damn life. Do you know that?” His words come out tight as he talks around the lump in his throat.

  I open my mouth to argue his statement, but he cuts me off. “You are, Paige. You’re handling all of this with so much courage and determination. I’m i
n utter awe of you every fucking day.”

  His words bring about new emotions and I look down, unable to look at him while he stares at me like I’m the reason the earth spins on its axis.

  “Come here.” He places his hand on my arm and gently pulls me up before throwing them around my thin body. “You’re going to beat this,” he says into my ear. “I know you are.”

  “We’re going to beat this.”

  Because there’s no way in hell I’d be able to do this without him by my side.

  Paige

  “DO YOU WANT me to make you some toast?” Sean asks as he walks into his kitchen.

  The thought of eating twists my stomach. “No, I’m not hungry.”

  I hear him sigh, but he drops it. He’s seen what happens when I try to force food down. It always ends up in the toilet.

  “Do you have anything you need to do today?” he asks as he sits back down next to me.

  “Nope.”

  “Good. My mom called, and she wants to take you shopping this afternoon.”

  My whole expression drops. “Shopping? Sean, I’m not up to walking around a bunch of stores.” I’ve heard how his mother is. Once she gets going, there’s no stopping her.

  He shakes his head. “Not a bunch, just one.” I open my mouth to ask more questions, but he stops me with a kiss. “Relax. My mom knows you don’t feel well, but I think you’ll like this.”

  “Are you going to tell me where she’s taking me?”

  “Nope.” The smug expression on his face is beyond annoying. He knows I hate surprises.

  “Whatever,” I grumble to myself, crossing my arms over my chest. My pouting only causes him to chuckle more.

  “Have you talked to your parents lately?” He reaches down and pulls my feet into his lap before rubbing them. A long groan vibrates in the back of my throat as I turn to the side to get in a more comfortable position.

  “I talked to them yesterday.”

  “How are they doing?”

  I let out a sigh. “They’re good. I guess they just bought an RV and are planning to travel the United States with it.”