At Her Own Risk

by Rachael Duncan

  “Oh, really? Any plans to make it to North Carolina?”

  “They didn’t mention it.” I try to hide the annoyance in my tone because I should be used to it. It’s like as soon as I turned eighteen and graduated high school they were free. I became more like a distant cousin to them than their daughter.

  “Are you okay?” Sean asks, sensing the change in my mood.

  “Yeah, I told them they didn’t need to come visit anyway, remember?”

  “I know, but you’d think they’d make a trip up here, regardless.”

  My thoughts exactly. My mom stresses me out with her theatrics, but she’s still my mom. You wouldn’t be able to keep me away from my daughter if she had given me the news I’d given her.

  The doorbell ringing puts a stop to my thoughts about my parents and their lack of involvement.

  “That’s probably Mom.” Sean jumps up and gets the door.

  I hear them greet each other before they come into the living room. “Hey, Paige. How are you feeling?” She approaches me with her arms held out wide. Standing up, I match her stance and give her a hug.

  “I’m good, Mrs. Riley. Today is a good day,” I tell her.

  “Yes, it is. And stop with that Mrs. Riley stuff. Call me Marie.” Her warm smile is soothing. “You ready to go?”

  “Yes.”

  “See you later, son. We won’t be long.”

  Sean says bye to his mother and gives me a kiss before we’re on our way.

  “Where are we going?” I ask once we take off.

  “Sean didn’t tell you?” She glances at me before looking back at the road.

  “Nope, he thinks it’s funny to annoy me,” I tell her, my tone void of emotion.

  Her laugh is soft and ladylike. “That sounds like my Sean. He’s been giving me a hard time since the moment he popped out.” A smile touches my lips, happy to hear about Sean as a child. “I thought it would be nice to try on some head coverings.” She watches me closely as we stop at a light, gaging my reaction.

  Her kindness touches me. “That sounds like fun.”

  A look of relief and happiness shines across her face. “Good!”

  Having no hair has been an adjustment. Whenever I’m out in public, I notice the curious stares followed by pity. I hold my head high and try to remain confident, but it’s hard when everyone is thinking the same thing. Wow, she’s really sick.

  “I have a small confession,” Marie tells me as we park. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be offended by my gesture or not.”

  My head tilts to the side as my brows pull in. “Why would I be offended?”

  “I don’t want you to think you have to cover up. You are a gorgeous girl and nothing you do is going to change that. Sean had mentioned you seemed self-conscious when you’re out, so I thought it would be fun to do a little shopping and try on different hats.”

  I put my hand on top of hers. “I’m not offended, Marie. It’s very sweet of you to go through this trouble for me. As for Sean, I can’t hide anything from him,” I say with a shake of my head. “Honestly, I’m okay with not having hair, it’s the stares that get to me.”

  “Well, let’s give them something to stare at. How about that?” With a smile, she swings the door open and I follow her lead.

  Shopping with Marie is a totally different experience for me. When I was younger, I was used to my mother being overcritical of everything I tried on. It was too tight, not flattering, made me look short, washed me out. The list of negative opinions went on and on.

  That’s not the case with Marie though. She treats me like I’m a beauty queen with everything I put on. It was weird at first and threw me off, but as I got used to her compliments, I realized just how much my relationship with my mother is lacking. Nothing like a caring mother figure to slap you in the face with your own mom’s shortcomings.

  “I’m not a fan of the turbans. They’re very . . .”

  “Nineteen-eighties,” she finishes for me.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, no turbans then. Did you like the scarfs?” Her question causes me to pause, but I don’t think she notices. I’m used to being told what to get, not asked.

  “I liked the gray newsboy hat.”

  “That looked fabulous with your cheekbones,” she tells me and I beam a little inside. “Pick a couple so you have some variety.”

  We check out with a couple scarfs in different colors, the newsboy hat I love, and a knitted cap with a bow on the side.

  “Thank you so much,” I say once we’re in the car. Marie refused to let me purchase the hats, saying it was the least she could do for making her son so happy.

  “You’re very welcome, dear. If you want to come back and get more, you just let me know. I’m always looking for an excuse to go shopping, and if I tell Phillip it’s for you, he won’t give me a hard time.” She winks at me and keeps driving.

  “How long have you and Phillip been married?”

  “Thirty-four years. Sometimes it feels longer,” she jokes. “Want to know the secret?” She leans over the center console a bit.

  “What?”

  “Laughter. If you can laugh through the hard times, then you can get through anything.”

  Sean’s reasoning for his pickup lines comes to mind. He said he just wanted to see me smile, and while he may have ditched the lines, he still manages to make me laugh with his corny jokes.

  “Is that how Mr. Riley won you over?” Honestly, he doesn’t strike me as a comedian with his clean-cut exterior and impeccable manners.

  She starts to laugh. “He won me over with the Cowardly Lion.”

  “Huh?” My face pulls in, confusion written all over it.

  “I was out with some friends and he walked up and said, ‘Courage. Give me courage to ask you out.’ It sounds silly now, but he sounded just like the lion. He was different and not afraid to make a fool of himself. I think I fell in love that night.”

  “You knew that quickly, huh?” I don’t subscribe to the notion of love at first sight, but seeing the stars in her eyes after all these years as she retells the story, I might have to rethink my position on the matter.

  “You can’t overthink things. Sometimes you have to just go with it or the most important moments will pass you by.”

  We spend the rest of the car ride in silence, soft music playing in the background while my mind turns over what she said. Am I letting my moments with Sean pass me by? Most importantly, how long will he wait around while I figure it out?

  Paige

  FIFTY-FIVE DAYS.

  That’s how many days have gone by since I started fighting my disease. I just finished round three and have started the first day of my twenty-day rest.

  This round was no joke, and it’s kicking my ass. With every dose that’s injected into my veins, or every beam that is radiated through my body, I feel myself getting weaker. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed. The simplest of things cause me to get winded, and while I’m on medication to keep me from getting nauseous, food has no taste and any appetite I had is gone. My clothes are loose, hair is gone, and to everyone else I look like a sick person.

  Much to Sean’s displeasure, I decided to go to work today. I’ve been out of vacation days and sitting around is making me nuts. I’m not feeling great, but I need something to keep me busy.

  My phone buzzes on my desk, grabbing my attention. A smile spreads across my face when I see who it is.

  Sean: RF- Paige Stewart is kind of a badass.

  Me: Is she now? Tell me more about this Paige girl. Do you like her?

  Sean: You could say that.

  Me: Should I be worried?

  Sean: Terrified.

  Me: Why?

  Sean: Because I’m going to marry that girl someday.

  I almost drop my phone.

  Marry?

  How can he even think about that right now? He dances around our reality constantly, but now he’s straight up ignoring it. There’s no possible way I
can entertain the idea of our future when I’m not even sure I’ll be here to be a part of it.

  Sean: Don’t freak out. I’m not proposing tomorrow or anything, okay?

  I don’t respond. I’m not sure how to.

  Sean: Besides, are you really surprised? I would’ve married you in that bar if you’d have let me. ;-) Now get some work done and hurry home so I can pick you up for dinner.

  No, I’m not surprised, but that doesn’t quiet the panic when reading those words. My hesitation before was my heart, now it’s my health. But I make a promise to myself right now.

  If I beat this, I’ll live my life without reservations and follow my heart.

  I’ve had a cough for the last two days and it’s getting progressively worse. I’ve been downplaying it to Sean, but I’m starting to feel like shit.

  “How’s your cough?” Scarlett asks as she comes into the living room and plops down on the couch in an unladylike fashion.

  “It’s okay,” I tell her.

  “Do you think you should call your doctor? You’ve had it for a few days now.” While I appreciate the concern, it’s exhausting seeing the same look on everyone’s face if I have a sniffle.

  “I don’t have a fever, so I’m good. I’m going through chemo and radiation, Scarlett. I’m going to feel like hell.” I give her an understanding smile in hopes she doesn’t take offense to me blowing her off.

  “Well, excuse me,” she says with a lot of attitude. She rolls her eyes in an exaggerated fashion and stares me down. She’s able to keep a straight face for about three seconds before we both start laughing.

  “So, what’s been going on with you? I feel like we don’t talk near enough for two people who live together.” When I’m not at work or the hospital, I’m sleeping or over at Sean’s.

  “Right? We kind of suck as roommates. I’m enjoying the last bit of my break before the next semester starts.” Her words are dripping with dread.

  “Why do you teach if you hate it so much?” Every semester she’s miserable, so I don’t know why she does it.

  “I don’t hate teaching, I hate laziness. If I could get a group of students who actually cared and put in the effort without it being spoon fed to them, I’d be happier than a pig in shit.”

  I laugh at her analogy. “Fingers crossed this semester is it for you.”

  “Have you talked to your parents recently?” she asks.

  A sigh brushes past my lips. “I talked to them last week. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding their calls. My mom gets all hysterical and I just can’t deal with her right now.”

  “Paige, you’re her daughter. She’s just worried about you. We all are.”

  “I know, but it makes it harder on me when she starts crying. It makes me feel like I have one foot in the grave, you know?”

  “Jesus, Paige.” Her wide eyes admonish me.

  “What?”

  “Do you have to be so crude? One foot in the grave? God.”

  I shrug. “Sorry. You know—” I’m interrupted by a cough, but instead of it passing quickly, it keeps going. Scarlett sits up and looks at me concerned when I start to gag. I hold up my hand to let her know I’m okay.

  “Do you need some water?” Her voice is raised to be heard above my hacking. I shake my head. A few moments later, I’m able to catch my breath and the coughing subsides. “That sounds really bad,” she states. “You really need to get that checked.”

  “I’ll call the doc in the morning. Will that make you feel better?” I ask.

  “Much.”

  “Pain in my ass,” I mutter. She throws a pillow at me in response before we flip on the television and watch some trashy show together.

  I hate to tell people they’re right when I’m dead set on proving them wrong, but Scarlett was right. I waited another three days to call Dr. Patel, and now I’m in the hospital. What started as a small cough quickly turned into bronchitis, which led to pneumonia. If I thought the lecture I got from the doctor was bad, it had nothing on Sean.

  I’ve never seen him so furious before. There was a lot of mumbling under his breath and pacing involved once I was settled into my hospital room and the doc left. The anger rolling off of him was palpable, and I was too weak to deflect it. It’s like I forget I have a disease that weakens my ability to do the things I normally do. I never go to the doctor and suffer through most illnesses. That’s not an option anymore.

  “Why are you so damn stubborn?” he asks through his teeth.

  “I thought I was fine,” I whisper.

  “Were you listening to the doctor? Another couple days and you could’ve died.” His hands run through his hair and I feel terrible I’m causing him so much stress.

  “I heard him.”

  He opens his mouth, and it looks like he’ll explode, but he dials it back. Walking to my bed, he grabs my hand and kisses the back of it. “You can’t do stupid shit like this. I don’t care if your nose is running, call the damn doctor, okay?” I nod, giving him my promise. “I can’t lose you, Paige. Do you understand that?”

  “But you might.” The words barely leave my mouth for fear it’ll come true if spoken out loud. He shakes his head adamantly and I hold up my hand to quiet him. “You’re in denial of our reality right now.”

  “So is that what this is all about?” he asks as he holds his arms out wide referring to our surroundings. “To prove a point to me?” It’s hard to miss the crack in his voice or the hurt in his heart. Trust me, I’m hurting too. Every damn day when I think about not seeing his face ever again.

  “No, this was me being stupid. I just want you to be realistic so you don’t—” I stop abruptly, not finishing my thought.

  “Don’t what?”

  I let out a shaky breath. “So you don’t get your hopes up. It might make things easier on you if you’re prepared for the worst.”

  He stumbles back a few steps as if I’ve slapped him. “You—you think I can prepare for your death? Are you out of your damn mind?”

  “No, it’s just—”

  “Do you know me at all? You’re asking the impossible right now. I can’t think in terms of if you don’t make it and I can’t live without you. My world, my very reason for being would cease to exist.”

  A tear falls out of the corner of my eye. “Don’t say that. It makes it harder.” My throat feels like it’s being squeezed to death as I try to hold back my sobs.

  “Good. I want to make it hard on you. I’m not letting you say goodbye to me and you’re going to fight like hell to make sure you don’t. Do you hear me?”

  I nod and he comes close to wipe the tear off of my face. “You rest up so we can get you out of here in a couple days, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “My mom called and said she was bringing over her famous chicken broth. I don’t know what it is about that stuff, but it always made me feel better instantly.”

  “She doesn’t have to do that,” I tell him, my voice fading out the longer I talk.

  “She wants to.”

  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t touched by the thoughtfulness of his family. His mom usually calls to check on me once a week. It’s easy to see why Sean is so caring.

  “Charlotte, Lydia, and Scarlett are on their way too, so be prepared for a lot of people to yell at you.”

  I roll my eyes and internally groan, but I know I deserve it. It was dumb for me to ignore this for so long, so I’ll take my verbal lashings and promise to never be so careless again.

  “Now scoot over.” He toes off his shoes and pulls the covers back.

  “What are you doing?”

  “How are you going to get any rest without me beside you?”

  A small grin pulls at my lips as I struggle to keep my eyes open. Between being sick and our argument, I’m exhausted. Sean climbs in after I scoot over. “The nurse is going to yell at you,” I warn.

  “Worth it,” he replies.

  The next morning a subject I was dreading is brought up. “Are you cu
rrently working?” Dr. Patel asks.

  “Yes.”

  “What type of setting? Are you in an office, retail space, work from home?”

  “I work from an office.”

  “You might want to consider resigning or see if they’ll put you on extended leave until your treatment is complete and your T-cells are back to normal levels.”

  “But I’m fine. It’s not difficult labor or anything,” I argue, pushing myself up to a sitting position.

  “I’m concerned about your exposure to bacteria and viruses. Your immune system is compromised and this is just a small glimpse into what can happen should another issue arise. We’re lucky you came in and had completed this cycle of treatment. If this had happened during, it would have derailed our whole plan.”

  And not be as effective.

  Conversations from our first appointments play over in my mind and I know he’s right. I don’t want to take the unnecessary risk. I have savings and Scarlett is letting me live with her rent free, so it’s not a matter of being unable to as much as it is not wanting too.

  Just one more thing I’m being stripped of.

  “Okay, I’ll talk to my supervisor soon.”

  Glancing over at Sean, I see nothing but relief. I’m sure he expected me to put up a stronger fight, but I just don’t have it in me. Plus, truth be told, this incident scared me. I know I try to act nonchalant with Sean about my current situation, but once Dr. Patel started telling me everything that could have happened, I’d do anything to keep from being here again.

  The doctor walks out and Sean sits back down next to me. “I know that was hard to concede to.” He knows me well.

  “It was, but getting better is more important to me right now.”

  “As it should be.”

  “Tell me you love me,” I demand.

  The boyish grin I like so much makes an appearance. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Sean

  THIS IS KILLING me.

  I’m watching the one I love wither away before my eyes. Seeing her struggle to get out of bed or eat is tearing me up inside. The only thing I want to do is take away her pain and suffering, but there’s nothing I can do except be here for her.