At Her Own Risk

by Rachael Duncan

  She just finished taking her cocktail of pills and is sleeping peacefully on the couch. I thought about moving her to the bed, but her body has been hurting so much lately so I didn’t want to disturb her. For now, I watch her sleep and pray this is all worth it.

  Every time we go to the hospital for another treatment, I want to yell at the nurses and doctors to make them stop. The chemo and radiation is destroying her from the inside out and making her sick. Her energy levels are nonexistent and she can hardly eat. It’s ironic the drugs that are supposed to save her seem to be killing her. The only positive is that this is her last cycle before she goes in for her screening to see if we got rid of it or not.

  I hear the front door open and turn to see Scarlett walking in. I put my finger over my lips to let her know to be quiet.

  She tiptoes into the kitchen and sets her stuff down before walking over to me. “How long has she been asleep?” she asks.

  “About two hours. I figured she needed the rest, so I didn’t want to wake her.”

  “Yeah, I would’ve left her too. How is she feeling? Has she been able to eat anything today?”

  I shake my head. “I called the doctor because the anti-nausea meds aren’t helping and she’s been throwing up a few times the last two days.”

  Concern flashes in her eyes, no doubt thinking about the last time an issue went untreated for too long. “Did they want to see her?”

  “No. She has an appointment tomorrow to start her last round of treatment, so unless she’s vomiting more than five times a day, they said she can wait until then.”

  “How are you holding up?” Her question causes me to pause. No one has asked and I’ve given very little thought to my needs.

  “I’m hanging in there. It’s hard to watch her go through this.” I glance back down at her, my heart aching in my chest for her.

  “I know what you mean. She’s always been the strong, feisty one of the group. It’s unnatural to see her like this.” I hear the worry in Scarlett’s tone, and I’m sure it matches mine. We care about her and want to fix the unfixable.

  “She’s still strong and feisty,” I argue. She wouldn’t be handling the radical therapy as well as she has if she wasn’t.

  “You’re right.” We’re both quiet before she says, “I’m sure Marcus called and told you the news, right?”

  “About Lydia having the baby?” I ask. She nods and a pang of guilt hits me for not being more excited for him. It’s hard to be happy when I’m watching the girl I love fight every day for her life. “Yeah, I talked to him. I feel bad I haven’t been by to meet my nephew yet.”

  Scarlett places a hand on top of my knee. “I’m sure he understands.” There’s more silence and yet again, she’s the first to break it. “So, I don’t know if Paige told you or not, but I’m flying out of town tonight and will be gone for a week.”

  My eyes cut to Paige, annoyed she failed to mention this. “Nope, it must have slipped her mind,” I deadpan.

  “I figured as much, so I wanted to give you the heads-up that I won’t be able to keep an eye on her.”

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem. I need to finish packing, so I’ll talk to you later.”

  She rushes to her room and I’m left in the quiet of the living room with the most stubborn woman on this planet. I’m pretty sure she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want me insisting she stay at my place while Scarlett is gone. Honestly, I don’t understand why she’s holding firm on this anyway. Her initial reasoning was she needed space and didn’t want me to see her sick. Well, we’re together almost every day, so that logic doesn’t hold up.

  She claims to be protecting me, but I think it’s still about her. This disease has scared her. It’s shown her that everything she has can be taken away in an instant. I just wish I could get through to her that it’s not living when you’re denying yourself the things that make you happy.

  Thirty minutes later, Scarlett comes out of her room with her luggage in tow. She squats down in front of Paige and places a hand on her shoulder. “Paige,” she whispers, “I’m leaving now.”

  Paige stirs a little before blinking her eyes open. “I wanted to say goodbye before I head out. Call if you need me. I’ll get on the first flight home, okay?”

  Paige nods, barely able to hold her eyes open.

  “Love you, girl.” She gives her a gentle hug before turning her attention toward me. “Take care of her.”

  “Always,” I respond.

  In usual Paige fashion, she rolled her eyes and dismissed my plea to stay at my place while Scarlett was out of town when I brought it up three days ago. As I suspected, she didn’t tell me for that very reason. She won’t stay with me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stay with her. Every bit of free time is spent over there. She thinks I didn’t notice the side eye she gave me when she caught on to what I was doing, but I don’t give a shit. She can give me dirty looks all she wants. I need to make sure she’s okay.

  That doesn’t mean I haven’t been met with my own challenges. There are certain things from the office I can’t take home with me for security reasons. Since I’m barely there, it’s making it hard to stay caught up on everything. I work as much as I can while Paige sleeps, which includes late nights on my computer and early mornings at the office.

  I do my best to hide the stress it’s putting on me from Paige, but I suspect she’s noticing the difference in my appearance and demeanor. I keep telling myself we have to hold on for only a little while longer. She’ll go in for her scans, we’ll get the all-clear, and our lives can return to normal again.

  I call Paige again to let her know I’m on my way to take her to treatment, but she doesn’t answer. She’s probably sleeping, so I decide to leave her be until I get there.

  I knock on the door before opening it and walking in. The whole apartment is quiet, which means I’m right and she’s in bed. Poor thing has been so tired lately, but all she has is today and then two more doses of radiation before she’s done. We’re almost at the finish line.

  Rounding the corner toward her bedroom, my worst fears hit me in the gut and take my breath away. Paige is lying on the floor, curled up in the fetal position.

  “Paige.” I rush to her side and kneel down before scooping her up off the floor. She’s as light as a feather as I walk her to the couch. She finally wakes up before I set her down.

  “No,” she says in a rush. “Put me down. Go away!” The panic in her voice and the way she wiggles her limbs alarms me and I think I might be hurting her.

  “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” I set her on the couch and tears are rolling down her face. “What happened?” I ask with more force than I intended, but I’m going out of my mind here.

  She sniffles and keeps her eyes trained on her lap. “I was trying to get to the bathroom and tripped. I couldn’t get up, and I-I . . .” She covers her face and cries quietly into her hands.

  Putting my hand gently on her shoulder, I ask, “You what?”

  “I peed all over myself,” she says on a sob. It finally dawns on me that she was wet when I picked her up. I was so worried about her, I didn’t even notice. “This is why I don’t want you around! I don’t want you to see me like this!” she tries to yell. Her voice has no strength behind it and sounds more like a person trying to shout with laryngitis.

  “Do you think I give a shit about that?” I ask, matching her anger. “If I hadn’t come by you would’ve been lying on that floor for God knows how long.”

  “Don’t you get how humiliating this is for me?” She looks up and it breaks my heart. With eyes filled with tears, her light has diminished and the only thing left is shame.

  I wrap my arms around her and pull her into me. When she tries to resist, I tighten my hold on her. “I know, babe. I do, but you don’t need to be embarrassed in front of me. I love you more than I could ever tell you and things like this have no effect on that.”

  Her body trembles beneath my touch and sh
e’s consumed with tears. With each sob and teardrop on my shirt, a piece of me splinters off. I hate this so damn much. I hate her pride has been stripped from her as well as her independence. But what I really hate is she won’t rely on me.

  “You’re moving in with me.” She pulls back quickly to protest, but I cut her off. “This isn’t up for debate, Paige. I’ve been more than respectful of your wishes, but this is ridiculous. You’re going to seriously hurt yourself and I’d never forgive myself knowing it was preventable.”

  I stare down the fire in her eyes, daring her to challenge me on this, but it’s quickly doused and she gives in. “Fine.”

  For the first time in a while, I’m able to breathe a small sigh of relief.

  “Let’s get you cleaned up real quick before I take you to the doctor. We need to tell him about this too.”

  It’s hard watching Paige tell Dr. Patel what happened. Knowing she was on the floor desperately trying to get up but had no strength to do so put a vise grip around my heart. That ache was soon followed by guilt for not being there.

  “Extreme fatigue is normal and expected during chemotherapy. How’s your diet?” he asks as he writes down some notes.

  She shrugs and looks down at her hands that are folded in her lap. “I’m not hungry.”

  “How many times a day are you eating?”

  “Once, maybe twice.”

  My jaw clenches as anger takes over. No wonder she doesn’t have the fucking strength to get to the bathroom. She’s only eating when I’m around.

  “Doctor, I can tell you she’s not eating much at all. When I’m with her, she pushes the food around her plate and barely touches it.” I glance at Paige who is staring daggers at me. Well tough shit. She needs to be honest or she’ll never get better.

  “I know it’s difficult to eat, but try four to six small meals if that’s easier for you to get down. Your body needs all the help it can get right now, and depriving it of nutrients isn’t doing it any favors.”

  “I’ll make sure she eats,” I offer up and receive another dirty look. She settles into her recliner and leans her head back as her body absorbs the drug to fight the monster hiding inside of her. I grab her hand and kiss the back of it. The small grin lets me know I’m forgiven. “Last time,” I tell her.

  “Fingers crossed, last round.”

  With closed smiles on our faces, we stare into each other’s eyes, willing it to be true.

  Sean

  TICK TOCK. TICK tock. Tick tock.

  I want to tear the clock off the wall as it cuts through the silence of the room. We’re on edge enough as it is without that annoying shit in the background.

  “Positive thoughts,” Paige says, taking in a breath and letting it out.

  My grip on her hand tightens. “You’ve got this, babe.”

  She’s gone through six rounds of treatment; one hundred and fifty days. Five long months of highs and lows, good days and bad, hope and despair. And it has all led to this moment.

  There’s a knock on the door before it opens. Dr. Patel walks in with a folder in his hand. A piece of paper inside so small and insignificant yet holds the key to my world.

  Cancer free.

  Two words I’ve longed to hear since Paige told me she was sick. All I can do is stare at the doctor’s mouth, willing him to say it.

  “Paige, Sean,” he addresses us and opens the folder. Paige’s grip on my hand tightens and I think all the circulation to my fingers has stopped, surprising me for someone who has been very frail lately.

  “I’ve looked over the results, and I’m afraid we didn’t get it all.”

  My heart seizes up in my chest and I feel the life drain out of me. Paige’s hand falls from mine and I swear the world stops spinning.

  “No.” The word falls out of my mouth, like saying it makes his statement untrue.

  “Why?” Tears sit at the back of her throat as she forces the word out.

  The doctor looks at her with sympathy. “I’m so sorry and I know it’s difficult to hear. Some cancers are more aggressive than others. It has shrunk quite a bit and we don’t see any new spots, but it’s still there.”

  “You said my chances were really good.”

  His eyebrows rise in mild surprise at her insinuation. “This isn’t the end. We have other options and can still beat this.”

  “What are my other options? To go through this again?” Her voice quivers. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know if she could handle another round. She’s still so frail and just now gaining some of her energy back.

  “That would be an option, but not one I’d advise. At this point, I’d recommend surgery followed by more radiation to get any cells not removed.”

  “What kind of surgery? Would you just cut out the tumor?” I ask.

  “We would do a complete hysterectomy to increase the chances of it not coming back in other surrounding tissues.”

  Paige stands up abruptly. “No.” She shakes her head while backing up. “No!” Rushing toward the door, she swings it open and runs out.

  “Paige! Wait!” I catch up to her at the exit and grab her by the arm. “What are you doing?”

  “I’ve got to get out of here.” Her chest rises and falls rapidly as if she’s about to start hyperventilating. The wild look in her eyes reminds me of a caged animal, desperate to escape.

  I place my hands on her shoulders and steady her so she’ll look at me. “I know you’re scared, but we have to finish listening to the doc.”

  “I’ll still have cancer tomorrow. It can wait. I need to go. Please.” She bites her lip to keep it from trembling as a tear glides down her face. She’s been through so much and the only thing I see etched all over her gorgeous face is defeat.

  “Let’s go.” Wrapping my arm around her, I lead her to the car and take her home.

  “Hysterectomy,” Paige says out loud as she stares into space. Neither of us has said a thing since we left the doctor’s office, both stuck in our own heads. That trend continued once we got back to my place. With nothing on, the only thing to listen to are my running thoughts while we sit on the couch.

  I don’t know how to respond. Nothing I say is going to make the situation better or easier to accept.

  “You shouldn’t be with me.” Again, her eyes aren’t focused on anything and it’s like she’s talking into space.

  With a deep breath, I close my eyes and try to reel in my frustration that she’s throwing this shit at me again. “Why do you constantly do this?”

  “Do you know what a hysterectomy means? Have you really thought about how that will affect our relationship going forward?”

  I grind my jaw, doing everything in my power to stay calm and patient with her. “It’s not going to change a damn thing. I don’t care what they have to do, I’m here to stay.”

  Her eyes focus on me before she says, “I see how you are with your niece. You’re amazing with kids and if I survive, I won’t be able to give that to you.”

  I snap, my fist slamming down on the coffee table. “Goddammit! Not if you survive, when you survive. Knock that shit off!”

  “It doesn’t change the fact that I won’t be able to have kids!” she yells back at me, the vein in her neck popping out. It hits me that this is more about her fears and disappointments than it is about me.

  “Come here.” I pull her arm until she collapses onto my chest. “I want you more than I want kids, Paige. Plus, there are other ways we can become parents.”

  She breaks down, letting it all out. Her sobs are loud and piercing and going straight to my heart.

  “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out,” I say against her scalp as I hold her close to me. I’m not sure how long we sit like this, but I don’t let go until the last of her tears have fallen. By that time, she’s so exhausted she can barely keep her eyes open, so I pick her up and tuck her into bed.

  Once Paige falls asleep, I set out to do some research to see what our options are. We left before discussing
everything with the doctor, so maybe there’s another avenue we can pursue.

  Do I want kids? Of course. I’ve had visions of a little girl with honey colored eyes and platinum blond hair running around calling me Dada since I knew Paige was the one. But none of that means a damn thing if I don’t have Paige by my side.

  Searching the internet, I’m finding stuff the doctor already told us. Chemo and radiation damage eggs and fertility becomes an issue. Not impossible, but difficult.

  Then a piece of information catches my eye and gives me hope.

  Harvesting and freezing eggs.

  Saving the information to my favorites, I run into the bedroom and wake up Paige. She’s been dealt nothing but shitty news; she needs something positive right now. “Paige,” I whisper into her ear. She stirs a tad, but doesn’t wake. “Gorgeous, open your eyes for me.”

  She blinks several times before squinting up at me, the bedside lamp too bright. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

  “Nothing. I found some good news.”

  She sits up and leans against the headboard. “What?”

  “A doctor can harvest and freeze your eggs before they do the hysterectomy. Then we can have them artificially inseminated before implanting them into a surrogate.”

  “W-what?” Her voice is thick with sleep, and I know I should have waited until the morning when she was up and had some coffee.

  “Babies. We can still have them.” She searches my face, but doesn’t say anything. I hold her hands in mine and rub them with my thumbs. “I want to make you happy. I do want to have kids with you, but not at the sake of your health. Because without you, there is no me. So here’s a solution that gives us both.”

  She’s quiet for a moment and I’m afraid I’ve upset her more. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

  “I try.”

  I hold my arms out to her and she snuggles up close with her head on my chest. My finger traces small circles on her arm as I listen to her breathe in and out.

  “I’ll be less of a woman.” This girl is constantly breaking me, splitting me wide open. The vulnerability in her tone is so raw and innocent, as if she believes this will really change who she is.