My Safe Place

by Steph Poe

  I open the door and my eyes go to the bed where Cal is now sitting upright, leaning against the headboard, still shirtless, which is very distracting for me. Focus, Lake. Don't be distracted by the pecs.

  "Hi," he mutters quietly.

  "Hi." I walk over to my nightstand and grab my phone. "I need to text Ash and let her know I'm gonna be late coming in today." I shoot her a quick text, to which she replies and tells me to take my time, because we don't have any appointments until late afternoon. I set my phone back on the nightstand.

  Cal is watching me intently, not saying a word. His eyebrows are drawn together. I cross my arms over my chest, but then decide that it feels too stern so I uncross them and play with the belt on my robe. My eyes stare down at my feet. I take a deep breath and finally look up at him.

  "We need to talk."

  "Okay. Let's talk. Will you please come sit with me while we do that?" He reaches out his arms. I know if I let him hold me, I'll be way too distracted to think straight. Instead I climb on the bed next to him and sit on my knees facing him, keeping a little distance between us. He puts his arms back down in defeat and lets out a frustrated groan.

  "Look, we haven't been together very long, so you may not know that honesty is very important to me. In fact, it's the trait I value most in people." I look down at my hands which are resting on my thighs and then look back at him. "Cal, I know there's something you're not telling me. I can't be in a relationship with you unless you're willing to be completely honest with me about everything in your past or present or hell, even in the future. I need to know it all. No exceptions." I inhale deeply because I said that all really fast and it took my breath away.

  Cal gazes at me and his expression is torn. He looks tortured. It makes me afraid. It makes me think for a second that I should have been fine with his lack of honesty because I don't want to lose this man. I don't want anything to break us up. My stomach starts to flutter with nervousness. I'm not prepared for what he tells me.

  "I was a very different man in college." His tone is glum. "I was arrogant and cocky. I never had to try very hard, even in high school. I didn't study much, but I still made good grades. College was the same way and I got bored. So I joined a fraternity. It was pretty normal at first, parties every weekend, kegs and bonfires, girls...lots of girls." He runs his hand through his hair and looks away from me.

  "I thought I could get any girl to sleep with me. And I did. I slept with a lot of girls."

  I shudder a little at the thought of how many girls is a lot for him? I keep my eyes focused on him. He looks from my eyes down to the bed again before he continues.

  "We had a party at the frat house one night. I went to fill my cup at the keg and Chris was there. He started asking me how I got all these girls and what I did with them. He told me the other guys wanted in on it. He said they thought I could get the girls and we would...take turns having sex with them and...they were willing to pay me."

  I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

  "I don't know what made me decide to do it. Maybe it was him stroking my ego, saying I could get all the girls. Like I was the key to helping the other guys get laid." He risks a glance up at me and I'm staring at him, pretty much frozen in shock. It's like there's a bad accident happening and I can't look away.

  I'm studying his face, concentrating on his eyes trying to figure him out. This man he's describing is nothing like the Cal that I've come to know. But then again, how much do I really know about Cal? We've only known each other a few weeks.

  The way he is with me is what's confusing. He's so caring and protective of me. I just can't envision him casually sharing girls with other guys. Did he care for these girls at all or was it just sex to him? Did these girls think they were getting more from him or the other guys? I'm having a difficult time understanding because I've never met someone who did something like this, and I sure as hell never wanted to have sex with multiple guys at once, even in my college days.

  I look down at my hands lying folded in my lap.

  "How long did this go on?" What I'm really asking is if this is something he still does, or still wants.

  "Only for about a month, maybe a handful of parties." I can feel him looking at me, so I look up into his eyes. He appears to be telling the truth.

  "So you helped the other guys? What does that even mean? Were you like a...pimp?"

  "No, I wasn't a pimp. I know that doesn't make it better. I would get the girls to agree to it. Told them how amazing it would feel for them to be worshipped by more than one guy at a time. They agreed to it. No way did we ever force any of these girls. They were into it. They wanted it as much as we did." He's looking at me with a glimmer of hope that I'll understand him.

  "So what about tying them up? Chris said you taught him to tie them up. What the hell is that about?" I'm not even sure if that's true or it was just a part of my dream, but I have to know.

  He hesitates and looks away from me.

  "There was one girl who suggested being tied up. I didn't suggest it. She said she was into it. So I tied her wrists to the bed and a few of us...took turns....pleasuring her." He looks at me, searching my eyes, trying to decipher what I'm feeling.

  "It was all consensual. She knew that at any time she could stop us and we would. We discussed that before we started things."

  Okay, so maybe this isn't such a bad thing. I mean, college is a time for experimenting and finding yourself. Maybe I'm just being a prude about this. If it was all consensual, then to each his own, right? Still, I feel like I'm missing a piece to the puzzle.

  "Why would Chris bring that up? It's almost like he was throwing it in my face that he tied me up because you taught him to."

  "We only did that the one time, with the one girl. Like I said, it wasn't my idea at all." He looks down at the bed and sighs. "There is something else you should know."

  I immediately feel my stomach flip. I can already sense that whatever he tells me is going to hurt.

  "One night, I was getting back to the frat house late from my internship. I walked up the stairs to my room and the door was closed, but there was light coming from under the door, which I thought was strange because I never left any lights on. I opened my door and there was a girl on the bed." He hesitates again. "Chris had tied her up. He was standing by the bed...and he was holding a leather whip."

  I squeeze my eyes shut to try to stop the tears from coming. All I see in my mind is Chris holding his leather belt and the evil grin on his face. My body starts trembling. I'm about to break down, but I can't. I have to remain calm. I need to let him finish. I need to know everything.

  "I yelled at him and asked what the fuck he was doing. I rushed over to the bed and that's when I saw the girl was crying and shaking. I must have walked in right before he was gonna whip her because she didn't have any marks on her. I told him to get the fuck away from her. He tried telling me that he got the girl for us, that he was trying to return the favor. Tried telling me it was for me, because he wanted to be like me."

  I stare up at him with disgust.

  "Why would he think you wanted a girl tied up and whipped? Did you tell him you wanted that? Why the fuck else would he do that?" My voice is raised and I'm getting angry now, thinking about who Cal really is and what he really likes. Is he really any different than Chris?

  He squeezes his eyes shut tight and balls up his fists.

  "I don't know why he did it. I never once said anything about wanting to whip a girl in bed. Physically hurting a woman in bed? No fucking way! That's not me at all. When I saw that girl crying, it fucking killed me. I untied her right away and told him to get the fuck away from her and me. I'm not a monster. I'm not like him!" His anger quickly turns to sadness and shame.

  I'm relieved to hear that Chris didn't learn those things from Cal. But still, I'm utterly disgusted and feel like I don't even know the man sitting in front of me. Even though he didn't do the things Chris did to me, I still can't look at him. I still f
eel like he isn't the same sweet, caring man I've come to love. My body feels weighed down, but somehow I manage to drag myself off of the bed and take a few steps away from the bed before turning my back to him.

  I wrap my arms around myself, trying to hold it together. "I think you should leave," I mutter quietly. There's nothing but silence behind me. I can't see him but I know he hasn't moved.

  His voice whispers, "I stopped doing any of that stuff after that happened. I stayed away from Chris. I never wanted anything like that to happen again. I never wanted anyone else to get hurt. I never should have—"

  "Stop. Please. I need you to leave." I spin around to face him. He looks so sad and I can't help but feel sorry for him, but I need to protect myself.

  He jumps up off of the bed and grabs my arms lightly. "Lake, baby please—"

  I immediately rip my arms from his grasp. "No! Do not call me baby!" I take a few steps further away from him. "I feel like I don't even know you."

  "Please, Lake. I love you."

  "Cal, get the fuck away from me! Please, just leave me alone." I turn my back to him but I don't leave. This is my room, my house and I need him out of here. If I look at him again, my heart is going to break even more than it already has. The tears are pouring down my cheeks now. I try to keep myself calm until I hear him getting his clothes on. It's really happening. He's going to leave. I asked him to leave. I don't want him to leave, but I need him to leave. For the girl who was broken and shattered three years ago, I need him to leave.

  I feel him at my back. I hear him let out a defeated breath and then he says, "I'm so sorry Lake. You do know me, and I'm nothing like the man I was back then. But I also wouldn't be the man I am today without my past. Please consider that." I know he's walking away from me because the warmth that I feel when I'm with him leaves me. I stay frozen in my spot, staring at the wall until I hear the back door shut, followed by his car starting up and driving away.

  Chapter 20

  When he's gone, I'm lost. I had finally started to feel like I had found the man who I wanted and needed in my life. Yes, it all happened very fast. I never saw him coming. They always say that when you least expect it, that's when love finds you. There was something that pushed us together from the first day, something I couldn't control, even if I wanted to. It was love that found us.

  I tried to take it slow with him, but I couldn't control myself. I've never fallen in love so quickly. It may have been rushed, but it never felt that way. It felt right.

  Now it's over. Now he's gone. I was wrong to believe falling in love so fast would last.

  I feel like I should have suspected this. When I first saw the picture of him with Chris, something felt off, but I accepted his simple explanation. He told me that he and Chris weren't close friends. The picture of his frat brothers in his office was just something he'd had up forever and never thought to take down. You know how men are with decorating. I really wanted to believe that was it. I wanted to be happy for once and I wasn't going to let a little coincidence get in my way.

  For three years I've avoided any serious relationships with men. I didn't want to trust them. I didn't want to get hurt again. Something different happened with Cal. My gut told me I could trust him and I did. I gave my trust freely with no reservations. I was ready to move on from my past and I thought Cal was the man to help me do it.

  Now here I am, standing with my bare feet on the cold hardwood floor, staring at the wall and feeling as blue as the Thundercloud paint it's covered with. I chose the color for its serene feel. Today I feel anything but serene.

  I decide that I will allow myself one day to cry and be miserable about this, but after that I will be strong and move on. Because I want to move on from Cal, don't I? At this point, I can't even fathom forgiving Cal or overlooking his past. Is it even possible that I could even deal with his baggage when I have enough of my own?

  I text Ash and Bryn and tell them I'm not feeling well and will be out of the office all day.

  I spend my day eating junk food and watching romantic movies that make me cry. I finish my movie marathon with my all time favorite, Gone With the Wind. I break down and cry when Rhett leaves her, but find a renewed strength when Scarlett professes that, "Tomorrow is another day."

  Yes, tomorrow is another day. Another chance for me to put on my big girl panties and figure out my next step. I declare that I'm strong and can overcome anything.

  I can't avoid Cal forever. In fact, at the end of the week he'll be delivering the furniture he made for the office. I have three days to get myself together before I have to face him. Three days to consider forgiving him or breaking ties with him completely.

  Do I want to forgive him? Does he deserve my forgiveness?

  I ponder these questions as I devour my sour cream and onion chips and wash them down with my Oliver Vineyards sweet red wine. There's nothing like greasy chips and good wine to help figure out a solution to my love problems. Oh, and ice cream. Yeah, ice cream. I think I still have one more pint of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer...

  *****

  I spend the next few days going through the motions. I go to work, put on a happy face, and try my damndest not to think about Cal.

  Before he came along, all I did was focus on my work because it was my life. My mother's gone, I never knew my father, and I have no siblings. My mom has a sister and I have three cousins, but it's been years since I've talked to them or seen them. They all live in Colorado, as far as I know. My best friend works with me, so all my life has been based on work and Tubbs, the best dog ever. I didn't let anyone interfere with my life. Especially not after what Chris did to me. I made one attempt at a relationship, but it didn't last because I freaked out. I wasn't ready to trust again.

  Then Cal came into my life. I wanted to trust him, and I did. Now without him, I feel like I can't concentrate on anything else. I want so badly to forgive him and to trust him again, but at the same time, I don't want to let him in again. What else has he lied about? This battle in my head between wanting to forgive him and wanting to walk away and forget him is driving me mad.

  I've picked up my phone more than a few times wanting to text him. I've checked my phone almost constantly to see if he's texted me at all, feeling disappointed that he hasn't.

  I'm sitting at my desk staring at my phone when Ashton walks in and collapses into one of the chairs in front of my desk, placing one leg over the armrest.

  "All right lady, I'm tired of the moping. You need to snap out of it." She has one eyebrow cocked and her hands are folded across her chest.

  I place my face in my hands and groan. I do not need this right now. I want to mope in peace.

  "I'm sorry. I know I haven't been myself. I just don't know what to do." I look up into her concerned face and immediately my eyes start to water. I know she cares about me deeply.

  Shit.

  I haven't let myself cry since Monday. I can't lose it here. This is the one place I always have it together.

  "Tell me what happened. Maybe I can help." She gives me an encouraging smile.

  I tell her everything from the night at the bar, to my dream, and finally to Cal's confession. She listens patiently without interrupting, although I know she's dying to give her opinion. That's part of why I love her. She always tells me the truth, even when I don't want to hear it.

  "What part of all this bothers you the most?" she questions.

  I look at her with an 'are you kidding me?' look.

  "I'm just trying to understand how you feel about everything. I mean, is it the fact that he was into kinky sex or that Chris was involved?"

  "It's all of it!" I call out before realizing how loud my voice is. I look up to make sure Brynna isn't at my door checking on us before quietly speaking again.

  "He was bored in college and decided to start having sex with a ton of girls? With his friends? Why didn't he get a hobby instead?"

  "Sounds like that was his hobby," Ashton retorts. I choose to ignore
her attempt at humor.

  "I mean, I can understand wanting to do different things in the bedroom. But being in the room with other guys having sex with the same girl? How weird is that? I'm sorry, but that's a little more than I can understand. And, on top of that, it was Chris! How can I not consider that what happened to me, what Chris did to me...was partly Cal's fault?"

  "Come on, Lake. You can't really think that it's Cal's fault. Chris is an asshole! He was a controlling boyfriend who violated—no, he raped you! He didn't learn that from Cal. Cal's never sexually assaulted anyone. Has he?"

  I shake my head. "He told me that what he did with those girls was consensual. He said they discussed everything before they did anything." I look down at my hands and start picking at my chipped, red nail polish.

  "I don't believe Cal would ever do that," I say quietly.

  "And how do you know that Chris didn't do things like that before even meeting Cal?" She asks.

  "I don't know. I guess it isn't fair to blame Cal for what Chris did. It's just such a screwed up situation. I thought I knew Cal."

  Ashton leans in closer to me.

  "I think you do know him. Come on, Lake. We all did crazy things in college just trying to figure ourselves out or find ourselves, or whatever. You don't want to punish him for his past, do you?"

  "It sounds like you're on his side." My arms cross over my chest.

  "I'm on your side, woman! I've seen how happy he makes you. I've wanted that for you for years. You've always been too worried about the business to care about a personal life. And I'm sorry, but Tubbs does not count as a personal life. When Cal walked through the door, everything changed—for the better. I could see it right away. I don't want you to throw away happiness because of a mistake he made before he even knew you."

  "He lied to me." I chip off a big, satisfying piece of polish and drop it on my desk.

  "I know he did. And that was bullshit. But now he's told you the truth. That counts for something, right?"

  I nod my head at her.

  "I support whatever you decide. But do me a favor and please stop letting what Chris did to you control your decisions. I know he hurt you in the worst way, but don't let him wreck your future."