My Safe Place

by Steph Poe

  I have no words and the tears start to flow freely. Ashton comes around my desk and hugs me and lets me cry into her blue cashmere infinity scarf. It's so soft and comforting. I hope my tears don't ruin it.

  "You ready to go, Lake? Oh, no. What's wrong?" Brynna walks into the room and over to me and Ashton. She's changed into black leggings and an oversized gray sweatshirt with a picture of a tiger on the front.

  I pull out of Ashton's embrace and wipe my eyes with my shirtsleeves.

  "I'm okay, Bryn. Just stressing out a little," I sniffle.

  "Well, I think this class will help you get your mind off of things."

  She's right. I need a distraction right now, and what better way to distract myself than learning self-defense.

  "Let me go change my clothes, and then we can go."

  The class is held in a building near the office. It's close enough that Brynna and I decide to walk there.

  When we enter the room, there are already a few other women waiting for the class to start.

  "How did you hear about this class, Brynna?" I ask, setting my bag down in the corner of the room. She follows behind me and does the same with hers.

  "Well, you know how there have been a lot of like, robberies and muggings in the city lately?"

  I nod my head. I heard about that and it makes me a little nervous because they've happened so close to the office.

  "The police department decided to offer a free self-defense class for anyone who lives or works downtown. The instructor is a police officer. I saw an article about it online."

  A tall, muscled man who looks like a body builder walks into the room.

  "Ladies, can I have your attention, please." His voice is loud and commanding, quieting all of the talking in the room.

  "My name is Officer Antoine Briggs. I'm here to teach you ladies how to protect yourselves should you ever be attacked."

  I gulp at the word attacked. Just that one word brings back so many emotions. The thought of being attacked is frightening. I take a few deep breaths, trying to relax. I'm here to learn what to do if I'm ever in danger.

  This is a good thing for me. I don't ever want to feel helpless again, and learning some self-defense moves will make me feel much more confident should I ever be put in a compromising situation again.

  Antoine talks to us first about how awareness is most important. Having heightened awareness of your surroundings is the first step in preventing an attack.

  The rest of the class, he teaches us five Krav Maga moves and we take turns practicing them on him.

  By the end of the class, I am pumped. I feel like a strong woman who can defend myself if need be. I just hope that I never actually need to use any of these moves.

  *****

  Later that evening while checking my phone for the millionth time, I'm finally rewarded with a text message.

  9am delivery ok for tomorrow?

  After not talking to each other for three days, it makes me sad that all I get is a short text.

  Yes, 9am is fine. Thank you

  I stare down at my phone waiting for his reply. It takes several minutes.

  Can't wait for you to see the pieces. See you @ 9

  Chapter 21

  The next morning I take extra time getting ready. I really want him to see what he could have had. Well, let's be honest, what he could have, maybe. Truth is, I'm kind of miserable without him. The fact that I've eaten a pint of Ben & Jerry's two out of three nights in a row proves it.

  I'm still battling with myself on whether to forgive him or not, but I'm leaning towards forgiveness. I would hate to throwaway a chance at a real, loving relationship because of one mistake. Three strikes, you're out, right? Maybe Cal deserves another chance.

  I greet Brynna when I walk in the door. She tells me that she and Ashton already moved their desks and chairs out of the way in preparation for the delivery.

  I thank her and walk to my office, where I find Ash waiting for me. And she has coffee. Only the best friends come with coffee.

  "Thought you might need this." She hands me the cup of heaven. "I had them add a double shot of espresso, and if you want, I have a mini bottle of vodka in my bag," she whispers out of the corner of her mouth.

  I chuckle at her, deciding not to chastise her for bringing booze into our office. "You are an amazing friend. Thank you."

  "Are you nervous to see him?"

  I sigh heavily. "Yes. I don't know what I'm going to say." I take a big gulp of coffee and it burns my throat on its way down.

  "That you forgive him and want him to bend you over the new table he made for you?"

  I scoff and tell her no. I don't mention the fact that we already christened that table in his studio.

  "I'm just gonna be professional with him. I don't want to get into anything serious here anyway."

  I sit down at my desk and open up my laptop.

  "Well, you look damn good today and as soon as he sees you, he's gonna regret lying to you."

  I gather my blonde waves at the back of my head and bring them over my shoulder. I do feel confident in my fitted black dress and red heels.

  "Thanks, lady, you're the best."

  I bury myself in my emails and try to keep my mind off of Cal and our impending face to face. I have a new email from Anna at Indy Magazine telling me she wants to schedule a follow up interview for the article as well as the photo shoot for the cover. I email her letting her know that the office remodel will be complete by Monday, so any time after that would be good to meet.

  Now that I know about what Cal did in college, I wonder if Anna was one of his girls? Or knew someone who was? She told me when we first met that she knew him and she seemed rather smug about it. I didn't like the way she asked me to tell him that she said "hi," which I never did, by the way. I'm really curious now and want to find out how well she knows Cal. Maybe she can give me some insight on the kind of person he was then, because the man he described to me doesn't match up with the man I've gotten to know. I know people can change, but has he?

  *****

  At ten minutes to nine, I emerge from my office under the guise of needing to refill my coffee cup. I look around the front office area where Brynna and Ashton are both sitting at their desks on phone calls. I'm about to turn and head towards our small kitchen area when I hear the front door open.

  My head immediately turns to the door just as he walks in. He pauses for a moment, his eyes locking on mine. We both stare at one another for a while, neither one of us saying a word. My breath is caught in my throat and I feel so nervous. The cool, calm Lake has temporarily gone missing while shaky and anxiety-ridden Lake has taken over.

  Cal continues to stare and his eyes are filled with...sadness? Regret? They also seem to be searching mine for some sign that it's okay that he's here.

  I'm relieved when Ashton finishes her call, and witnessing our awkward standoff makes quick work of remedying the situation. She walks over to him and greets him with a, "Hey, Cal." He turns his eyes towards her, breaking up our intense moment long enough for me to regain my composure.

  I smooth my hands over my dress, making my way over to them while hopefully displaying a confident, unaffected expression. My head is held high with my chin slightly in the air.

  "Good morning," I say to him, more curtly than I had intended.

  "Morning, Lake." He gives me a small, half turned up smile that doesn't reach his sullen eyes.

  "Feel free to move things around if you need to make room for the new furniture." I turn to Ashton.

  "Ashton, if you don't mind, will you please help direct Mr. Ryker as to where we would like the pieces. I apologize, but I have a lot of work to get back to. So, if you'll excuse me." I nod slightly to both of them and spin on my four-inch heels and strut back to my office closing the door behind me.

  I lean my head against the door and close my eyes. What in the hell was that? Why did I do that? Why did I act like that? That's not me at all. I was trying to be
professional but it came out arrogant and rude. What the hell is wrong with me?

  When I saw his face, I expected to see the confidence that he normally exudes. But he looked...broken. Instead of letting myself be vulnerable, I put up a wall. My go-to reaction in times of stress is self-preservation mode. Can't get hurt again if that wall is protecting me.

  Yes, he looked miserable, but he also hurt me by lying to me. I wanted to sympathize with his situation. I wanted to run up to him, throw my arms around his neck, and tell him I forgive him. But instead, the wall went up. It's hard to stop it from happening. It's like my subconscious knows that I could get hurt, so it doesn't let that happen.

  Now I'm feeling terrible for my behavior. Yes, I was protecting myself, but I also treated him poorly in the process. I was a coward too. Instead of facing him, I ran away. I took the easy way out with a lame excuse about having work to do.

  I don't know how long I stand there with my back to the door thinking about how I acted before I feel a gentle knock.

  I immediately move aside and wipe under my eyes, quickly, in case any moisture escaped. I smooth my hair as I walk to my desk to sit in my chair, then attempt to look busy before saying, "Come in."

  My heart pounds out of my chest as the door opens. I don't know what to do if Cal and I are alone. I don't think I'll be able to keep up the act of nonchalance. My wall is up, but my heart wants to be vulnerable. My heart aches for him. He could be the only person that can tear the wall down.

  I breathe a sigh of relief when Ash pokes her head in the door.

  "Hey, they're all done. Wanna come take a look?"

  I smile at her and stand up.

  "Is he..."

  "He's gone already."

  I breathe a little easier knowing that I don't have to face him again. That easy breath is filled with regret, as well. I want to see him. I hate how much I want to see him.

  "Yeah, I'll be right there." She steps back out and I check myself in the small mirror on my wall.

  I walk into the conference room first and stare at the beautiful table now centered in the room. The inlay is spectacular. I remember him calling it zebrawood. The detail and craftsmanship is amazing. Cal is seriously talented.

  I run my fingers over the top of the smooth finish. My mind replays the day he had me spread across this table back when it still felt a little rough because the smooth finish hadn't been applied yet. My cheeks flush at the memory.

  "He did a unbelievable job. Wait till you see the shelves out front." Ash breaks up my wayward thoughts.

  I follow her out front where Brynna is admiring the shelves. I look around to make sure no one else is here. I know Ash told me he left, but I thought maybe she was just telling me that so I would come out since I know she's rooting for us to get back together. But now that I see he really did leave, it feels strange that he didn't even say goodbye. I know I wasn't very nice to him, but he could have said a quick goodbye. Hell, I still need to pay him the rest of the money for the furniture.

  The two display shelves are dark wood and look really nice against the tan color of the walls. They are about five feet high and four feet wide. They're set up right near the front door where we staged a small sitting area with a loveseat and two wingback chairs with beige and black striped fabric.

  I look around the office and smile. I'm so pleased with everything. The floors, walls, and furniture look beautiful in this space. I finally feel like the office represents me and not just what I think people expect from me.

  "This place looks great, Lake," Brynna says and comes over to hug me. Ash does the same.

  "I couldn't do any of this without you girls, you know that right?" My smile is grateful.

  "Yeah, we know," Ash teases and pulls me in for a side hug.

  "Cal asked me to give this to you." Brynna hands me a white envelope.

  "Okay, thanks. I'm sure it's the final invoice." I look down at the envelope before looking back up at the two women who have done so much to help make my business a success. "How about we all go to lunch at the diner today, my treat?" Celebrating the remodel with a big, juicy cheeseburger sounds delightful.

  "Sounds great," they both say in unison.

  "I'm going to get this invoice taken care of." I head back into my office, but not before stopping and taking one more look at the table. I am seriously in awe of his talent.

  I turn around and walk over to my desk. I sit in my chair and tear open the envelope. It's a typical two piece white and yellow copy invoice folded in thirds. I unfold it to assess the damage to my pocketbook, which will be worth every penny.

  I stare at the now unfolded paper in front of me. Written diagonally across the entire invoice in black marker is a message:

  A thousand apologies wouldn't be

  enough. I know I messed up. Please

  forgive me. Give me a chance to make it right.

  This is the real thing. Don't let it go.

  Love, Cal

  My lips turn up into a smile and I feel a familiar flutter in my stomach. He loves me. He's sorry. And this small gesture is perfect. I can feel my wall starting to come down. I want to let him back in. I want to give him a chance to earn back my trust. But he's got to earn it.

  I pick up my phone.

  We need to talk.

  Would love that.

  My place @7 tonight

  See you then. Counting the hours...

  My smile grows wider. I'm done overanalyzing things. I miss him terribly. I need to talk to him and see if we can move on from this. He reached out to me by giving me that note. He took a chance knowing that I might reject him. I'm ready to hear him out. I'll let him explain himself better and then decide if we can move forward.

  Chapter 22

  I decide to make one of my favorite dishes, Cajun chicken pasta, for dinner. I reach into the lower cabinet next to my oven and pull out a large pot for the pasta and a frying pan for the chicken. I place the pot in the sink, turning on the faucet to fill it with water. While it's filling, I grab the penne pasta from the upper shelf of my pantry. I place the frying pan on a burner and turn it on low. After turning the faucet off, I grab the pot and place it on the stovetop and set the burner to high.

  Cooking always relaxes me. I don't get to do it very often, because who wants to cook for one person? Right now, I need to be doing something to take my mind of my impending conversation with Cal, and cooking seems to be working.

  I slice the chicken into thin strips. I use half a stick of real butter for the chicken and save the other half for the sauce. This is definitely a comfort meal with lots of butter and real cream. It seems like a good choice for tonight. I want us both to be relaxed and comfortable for this talk. Plus consuming large quantities of carb-filled food makes me more agreeable. So really, I'm helping Cal win me over tonight.

  It's too quiet in my house, with only the sound of the sizzling butter and chicken. I need music. I definitely need some background noise when I'm cooking, so I place my phone on my speaker dock and set my music app on 'random,' since I'm not in the mood for anything in particular. A slow song comes on and I start humming along.

  I hear tires on the gravel driveway and the familiar roar of an engine. I look down at my watch and see it's already seven so Cal is right on time. I'm nervous and unsure about seeing him. Guess I don't really have a choice now. He's here. It's time to face him, ready or not.

  I wait to hear a knock on the door before I go to let him inside. Tubbs is eagerly staring at the door with his tail wagging. I'm definitely not prepared for the sight of him when the door swings open. Holy hell, he is so stupidly handsome. He's got that leather jacket on over a gray button up shirt and dark jeans. His beard is full, but neatly trimmed close to his face. He's holding a bouquet of stargazer lilies.

  "Hi," he says with a grin as his eyes rake up and down my body.

  "Hi," I return his greeting and stare at those golden brown eyes that I've missed so much.

  "Come in." I stand to t
he side so he can walk inside. He steps in and bends down to give me a kiss on my cheek. That slight touch of his lips to my cheek send shivers through me. When he pulls back, he hands me the flowers.

  "These are for you, obviously." Then he turns to Tubbs and bends down to pet him. "I didn't forget about you, buddy." He pulls out a bone from his pocket and looks up at me for approval. I nod yes at him and he gives it to Tubbs, who grabs it with his teeth and heads into the living room, plops down on his dog pillow, and starts chewing away.

  I start walking into the kitchen and Cal follows.

  "Thank you for the flowers. They're lovely. And thanks for thinking of Tubbs. That was real sweet." I reach over the sink where I have a glass vase and fill it halfway with water.

  "You're welcome. I have wine, too. I know you like red, so I brought Oliver sweet red wine. I hope that's okay."

  I turn to him and he looks at me sheepishly. I can't help but smile at him, seeking my approval.

  "That's my favorite. Thank you." I grab two wine glasses from the cupboard and the corkscrew from the drawer and hand them to Cal.

  "I still need to finish dinner if you want to open up the wine and pour us a glass." I turn back to the stovetop where I'm melting more butter for the sauce. "Or if you'd rather have a beer, I think there's a few bottles in the fridge."

  "Wine is good for now. It smells delicious in here. What are you making?" he asks.

  "It's Cajun chicken pasta with Italian bread. I have this great olive oil dipping sauce that's pretty tasty."

  "Can't wait. I'm starving."

  I finish making dinner and we sit down at the table to eat. It's a little odd because we're both trying to make small talk, not wanting to get into anything too serious during the meal. It's obvious though that we both have a lot to discuss. The music continues to play softly in the background, making it a little less awkward.