The Last First Time

by Andrea Bramhall

  “How would you describe it?”

  “Numbness, maybe.” She shrugged and pulled in a deep breath. “On other days, it was like I was watching the world from behind a glass brick. You know those thick glass bricks they make obscure walls out of?”

  Gina nodded.

  “It was like I was encased in a tube made of them. I could see and hear everything, but it was too far away to reach me. I couldn’t feel anything the way I was supposed to. The way I wanted to. Good or bad.”

  “Sounds like you were protecting yourself.” She sniffed. “Like you’d wrapped yourself in bubble wrap.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it like that, but maybe you’re right. Maybe it was bubble wrap rather than those heavy unyielding bricks.”

  “Bubble wrap moves.”

  “It does.”

  Gina smirked. “And it’s a lot more fun to pop.”

  “That it is.”

  They walked in silence for a few minutes, the tide drawing in and ebbing away in a constant rhythm that soothed Gina’s thoughts and washed away the pain of memories she wished she didn’t have. If only for a little while.

  “So, what did you find out about Kate, then?”

  “Oh, right. That’s where we were up to.” She squeezed Gina’s arm again. “Sorry.”

  “No need to apologise.”

  “Okay. Well, I found out that she was recently promoted and moved to the King’s Lynn area in September for the job. She’s a detective, she’s smart, she’s beautiful, and she has fantastic taste in women.”

  Gina laughed. “Google told you all that?”

  “Yup. It’s the font of all knowledge.”

  “Really?”

  “No. Not at all. Did you two meet when she moved up here, or did she move here to be closer to you?”

  “Neither. We met when she was investigating Connie’s death in October.”

  Alison’s eyebrows rose as looked at Gina. “You only met then?”

  Gina nodded.

  “And you live together already?”

  Gina laughed and shook her head. “No, Sammy and I are staying with her over Christmas, that’s all. It’s not… Well it wasn’t supposed to be a permanent thing.” She quirked her lips into a half smile.

  “But it is now.”

  It wasn’t a question, so Gina didn’t answer. She guessed it was written clearly all over her face. “We’re…well, with everything that’s happened in the last few days, I suppose we’ve both come to the conclusion that we know what we want. Sammy’s happy and loves Kate to bits already, so why wait? If nothing else, the past few months have proved that we never know what’s around the corner and I don’t… Well, I waited so long to find her that I don’t want to waste any more time.” She sighed. “Even if it is complicated.”

  Alison frowned. “Sweetheart, you’re living together, and Sammy’s happy. It can’t be that complicated. So what’s the issue?”

  “Like I said, it’s complicated.”

  “Pft.” Alison dropped Gina’s gaze and looked out across the water. “That’s what I used to tell people about your father when they asked why I wouldn’t leave him.”

  “What?” Gina wasn’t sure she understood what her mum was suggesting.

  Alison didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. The look on her face clearly asked the question that she must have heard herself a million times over the years, as she’d hidden the latest bruise to her collection, made the newest excuse for the black eye or split lip, explained away the slightly crooked nose that had been straight the day before.

  “You’ve got to be joking?” Now Gina was damn sure she didn’t like what her mother was asking.

  Alison just waited.

  The implication and the suspicion grated on Gina and drove her instinct to protect Kate into overdrive. Kate would never, ever hurt her in any way. Gina was beyond certain of that fact. That anyone, no matter who they were, could even think anything differently hurt. She felt the wound of it already festering in the nascent relationship with her mother and knew that if left unchecked, it would render any effort between them irredeemable. She had to challenge her mother’s unspoken question and shut it down. Her own discomfort—or the discomfort that her mother would feel as a result—was inconsequential in the face of this shred of information. Alison wanted to hear what complicated was? Well, so be it. Embarrassment was far better than Alison looking at Kate and wondering if she beat her.

  “Unbelievable.” Gina growled into the wind and just hoped it reached Alison’s ears and she wouldn’t have to repeat herself. “No, it’s not that kind of complicated. Kate is not like that. She would never hurt me. She is the most protective and loving woman I’ve ever met. She saved my life, literally, when Ally Robbins was trying to carve a noughts and crosses board on my skin. She holds Sammy when she wakes up screaming in the middle of the night because she still sees the face of my best friend after it had been blown off by a sniper rifle. She found me a counsellor to help me work through the panic attacks and issues I have since the attack. Does that sound like a woman who would lay a hand on me or my child in anger?”

  “No,” her mum said quietly. “She sounds as wonderful as I thought she was.”

  “She is.”

  “Then why’s it so complicated?”

  “Because of me. Because I’m fucked up. Me.”

  Alison frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  “Ally…she…”

  “Wait, were you and Ally Robbins together? Is that why it’s complicated? You still have feelings for her?”

  “What? Are you insane?” She stopped and turned to face her mother. “I was never involved with Ally Robbins. She wanted information about Matt the Prat. Sammy’s bloody father. She cut me to bits. I have scars all over my back, but those are these easy ones. I can’t even see how bad they are. It’s the ones on my stomach and breasts that make this so fucking complicated. They’re the ones that have fucked me up.”

  Her mum’s frown deepened. “Kate reacted badly to them?”

  Gina shook her head. “I react badly to them.” The wind stung her cheeks as tears wet a path to the corner of her mouth. “They’re so ugly, Mum. I love her, and I want her. God, how I want her. But I find it hard to put them out of my mind. I’m trying, I’m really trying, and I’m getting there. But I still have this question hanging over me…over us: how can I expect Kate to find me attractive when I feel like Frankenstein’s monster?”

  Her mum laughed. “That’s ridiculous.”

  It was Gina’s turn to frown. “Excuse me?”

  “Kate looks at you like she wants to eat you.” She screwed up her face and closed her eyes. “Probably not the correct choice of phrase considering…well…you know.”

  Gina stared at her, wide-eyed and not sure what to expect to come out of Alison’s mouth next.

  “If I’m hearing you right, you’re telling me that you live with the woman you love, but you’ve not slept with her—”

  “I have slept with her.”

  “You said—”

  Gina waved her question away and carried on, “Last night, after we came home from the hospital, I didn’t want to be away from her. Even sleeping in the spare room with Sammy felt like it was too far away from her.”

  “I see. So you slept as in sleeping, not as in a euphemism for sex.”

  Again it wasn’t a question, but still Gina nodded.

  “Okay, so you’ve not had sex with her, despite the fact that the woman clearly adores you, because you’re worried about a few marks on your chest. Is that the long and short of it?”

  Her mother always did have a way of distilling an issue down to the finer points. Quickly. Apparently her childhood memories of this talent of her mother’s were correct. It had certainly annoyed her on more than one occasion as a child.

  “Then you’re right. You are fucked up.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me.”

  Gina stood still and faced her mother, he
r fists balled on her hips. “What is this? You waltz back into my life after a decade, after throwing me out, and think you have the right to criticize the way I’m living it?”

  Her mother stopped and faced her.

  “You think that you can pick apart my choices and feelings? I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t want me to criticize? Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and uncomplicate the situation.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  Alison smiled sadly. “Nothing ever is, Gina. I spent years telling myself your dad was complicated. That his feelings were so complicated they excused his actions. But it wasn’t complicated at all. It was really amazingly simple.” She put her hands on her hips, mirroring Gina’s pose. “He was an arsehole. He was a bully. I told myself the situation with you was equally complicated. But that too was really simple. I was selfish. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see what I was doing to you. Don’t make my mistake.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t be so wrapped up in what you see on your chest that you don’t see what Kate sees in you.”

  Her arms flew over her chest. “I know she doesn’t see it the same way.”

  “Good. Then don’t you think it’s time you, well, made a woman out of your woman?”

  Gina frowned.

  “Tomorrow. Take the time to enjoy a few hours alone together, Gina. Just the two of you. Go to your dinner with this man and I’ll look after Sammy. Then you can just spend the rest of the night together. You already said that she’s been told to take a few days off. So it’s the perfect opportunity, isn’t it?”

  The two of them, alone. No interruptions from Sammy or work. No bad memories being triggered by being in the same house as she was attacked in. Or worrying because Sammy was in the next room. It was perfect. And as much as she knew she was as ready as she was going to get, it was terrifying.

  But Gina acknowledged that she was ready. Physically, she’d been ready since the moment she’d met Kate. She was a gorgeous woman, who had proved to be nothing short of perfect for her. Gina hadn’t stood a chance against falling in love. The trip to Ann Summers had been her symbolic stepping forward to grab their sexual relationship with both hands and revel in it. Of course, that hadn’t exactly gone to plan, and everything that had happened in its wake—Kate watching her disrobe in the hospital, Pat’s death, Stella’s injury, the second explosion—had put that desire on hold. Sleeping in Kate’s arms last night and waking up with her that morning had brought them all very much back to the forefront of Gina’s mind. And other parts of her anatomy were beginning to make themselves known.

  Yeah, it was time.

  She smiled at her mother. At her mother. “Does this feel as weird to you as it does to me?”

  “What? Encouraging my daughter into seducing another woman?”

  Gina snickered. “Yeah.”

  “Just a bit.”

  Gina let her hands drop from her hips, but not before she recognised the similarity of their stance. Nor how often she saw the same pose from Sammy. Three generations of that same hands-on-hips-fierce-warrior posture right there.

  “It feels good as well, though.”

  Gina cocked an eyebrow. “You thought we needed a chat about the birds and the bees?”

  “No, I meant the frankness, the openness. If we want to have a real relationship in the future, we can’t pretend to be anything but who we really are, right?”

  Gina nodded.

  “This is who I am, Gina. Warts and all.” She tilted her head to the side. “Think you can handle that?”

  Gina smirked. “It might take me a little while, but, yeah. I can handle you.”

  “Good.” She shrugged and slipped her hand back around Gina’s arm as they started walking again.

  Sammy and Merlin were rolling around on the sand, tussling for the ball. Gina rolled her eyes but decided to ignore it. Clothes could be washed, Sammy could be hosed off, and Merlin…well, that was up to Kate.

  “I can’t believe you said I was fucked up.”

  Alison sniggered. “Didn’t remember that side of me, huh?”

  “I’m not sure that side of you existed a decade ago.”

  “It did. She was just tucked away in bubble wrap.”

  Gina snorted. “Well, wherever she was. I’m glad she’s getting an airing now. Besides, it’s good to know Sammy didn’t come from the cabbage patch after all.”

  “You think…” Her voice trailed off as they both seemed to realise what Gina had said, and, more importantly, just how much she meant it. Gina saw flashes of both herself and Sammy in Alison. It was both scary and comforting.

  “Should I be scared?”

  Gina squinted as the sun broke through the clouds for a moment and shone brightly. “Of what?”

  “What else I’m going to discover under the bubble wrap, if I’m going to end up like that little urchin?”

  They both laughed before Gina said, “Maybe. Kate’s not decided yet if she’s going to end up a master criminal or a bloody good police officer. I suspect there a distinct possibility she could do both. At the same time.” She pointed to where Sammy clambered to her feet and ran, splashing through the tidal puddles formed in the depressions of the sand. “Still okay about looking after her?”

  “Positive.” Alison’s smile spread to a grin. “I can’t wait to find out what secrets the little scamp has to tell about you.”

  Gina groaned and spread her arms wide. “World, swallow me now.”

  Chapter 24

  Kate hummed along to a classic Elkie Brookes track on the radio, just hitting the chorus and wailing “Pearl’s a singer” when Stella tapped on the patio door window at the back of the house. She was grinning and offering Kate a thumbs up for what was undoubtedly a spirited, if somewhat off-key, performance.

  “Bollocks,” Kate whispered under her breath as she opened the door. “Come in.” She waved Stella in and waited for the piss-taking to start. It wouldn’t take long.

  “Thank God I got here before you made it rain.”

  Not long at all. “And to think, I almost missed you.”

  “Aw, thanks, babes.” Stella squeezed Kate’s shoulders, pecked her on the cheek noisily, and brushed past her into the room. She dumped her bag on the table and massaged her shoulder like it was aching.

  “You okay?” Kate asked as she rubbed the spot on her cheek where Stella had kissed her, convinced she left drool there on purpose, and headed for the kitchen.

  “Yeah, just still a bit stiff from the other day.” She grimaced. “I guess I’m not as young as I used to be.”

  Kate sympathised. She was feeling more than a few aches and pains herself today. But Stella wouldn’t appreciate a fuss any more than she would. She would, however, appreciate… “Coffee?”

  “Only if you want to stay alive. Three days in the bloody hospital and not a decent coffee to be had. I’ve days of caffeine loss to make up for.” Stella stood up and followed her into the kitchen. “Where’s Gina and the precocious…I mean precious kid? Not left you already, have they?”

  “Walking Merlin on the beach with Gina’s mum.”

  “So we’ve got the house to ourselves. I can swear to my heart’s content and not worry I’m going to get myself strung up for teaching Sammy any new ones.” She snickered. “Again.”

  “Yeah, she’s found a creative way around that one, by the way.”

  “What’s that? And I didn’t mean to call her dad an arsehole.”

  Kate waved the comment away as she spooned coffee into cups and waited for the kettle to boil. “Matt is an arsehole.”

  “Yeah, but he’s still her dad. So what’s she come up with as a creative alternative, then?”

  “Bumholes.”

  Stella chortled loudly. “I love that kid.”

  “You and me both.” Kate froze as she picked up the kettle, realising just how true that was. God, those Temple women just wormed their way right into the heart of a woman
.

  “You gonna pour, or just carry on with your weird calisthenics program?”

  “Sorry.” She shook her head and poured water into the two cups before handing one to Stella. Pointing to the chairs at the table, she sipped and then took a seat. “What’ve you got there, then?” She tipped her head to the bag Stella had deposited a few minutes ago.

  “A bag.”

  Kate nodded slowly. “So that’s the level for the day, is it? Okay, Mrs Pedantic…what’s in the bag?”

  Stella grinned and then screwed up her face. “I couldn’t sleep last night, so I started doing a bit of research to get us started.” She pulled the bag over, unzipped it, and then pulled out the contents: her laptop, a legal pad covered in some sort of hieroglyphics, some sticky notes, a few pens, and a rolled-up A3 chart pad. She unrolled the pad, pushed the computer out of the way, and started to lay the pages of the large pad out side by side. Down the centre was a single straight black line transecting one page, then another, and then another. Cutting through it at irregular intervals were short vertical marks with a time and a brief description under or above it. Sometimes with pictures taped to thickish paper.

  “Timeline.” Kate squinted at the sequence of events and whistled. “You’ve been busy.” On the chronicle was everything Stella knew of the operation, from the moment she’d walked into Ann Summers to now. Including from when Mallam and Porter arrived from London and from when Kate had found Nadia’s diary to when Grimshaw e-mailed her the first translated pages and then to the explosion in the Diamond Street lock-ups. The time of death and name of each victim was written in a different colour along the timeline. So they could never bloody well forget why they were doing this. Not that Kate ever could.

  “Told you, I couldn’t sleep.”