Believing Again (Finding Your Place Book 3)

by Rebecca Barber

  “Look, Nate. You want the truth, then here it is. I acted like a tramp. I mean, what sort of woman drops to her knees in the kitchen, of all places, for some guy they barely know, on what may or may not have been a date? I certainly don’t. Well, I didn’t until, you know, I did. So not the point. Anyway, I don’t want to be that girl.”

  The sly smirk that danced on his lips made me want to slap it off. Or kiss it off. Man, this guy had me completely off balance. “You’re not that girl.”

  “I am. I was. I don’t want to be, but that’s exactly what I was. I acted like a slut.”

  “Listen to me very fucking closely, Josie.” His eyes narrowed, his face went hard, and his voice dropped. “I never, ever want to hear you speak that way about yourself ever again. And if I do, god help me, I’ll spank your ass so hard you won’t be sitting down for a week.” I heard all the breath leave my body. That was not what I was expecting him to say. Not in a million years could I have guessed those words would come out of his mouth. “Right, I see that’s sunken in. Now let’s move on to the rest. Okay, yes. We don’t know each other all that well, but that’s what we are, or at least we were doing until you went MIA. Let me just reassure you right now, Josie, you won’t be running again.”

  “Nate—”

  “No. I’m not done. See, Josie, this is how a conversation goes. You’ve had your turn to say something, now it’s my turn. When I’m finished you get a another turn. Right?”

  Stunned.

  Absolutely fucking stunned.

  How was I supposed to react to this? This wasn’t the man I’d met at the bar weeks ago. It wasn’t the man I’d checked out on and flirted with water-skiing on the river. This wasn’t the man who’d put me on the back of his motorcycle and took me on the ride of my life. He wasn’t the guy who made my mind go to mush and me drop to my knees. This guy, the one crouched beside me, holding onto my leg, was something else. Something better.

  Focusing all my concentration on the man beside me, I gulped. It hurt. Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded pathetically.

  “Good. Glad we understand each other.”

  Nate started to his feet but didn’t move away. Instead, he reached his hand behind my head, wrapped my ponytail around his hand, and tipped my head backwards. The pull of my hair stung, but before I had a chance to protest, he slammed his hungry mouth over mine, devouring me like he’d just done his steak.

  His tongue traced the seam of my lips, pestering me to enter, and when I moaned involuntarily, he took the opportunity. I forgot where I was. Hell, I forgot my own name while he plundered my mouth. Man, this guy could kiss. Grabbing handfuls of his hair, I tugged him closer, wanting more. Needing more. Nate didn’t disappoint. Without warning, he pulled me to my feet and pressed his hot, hard body against mine. Thank fuck for his firm grip on my ass, because with every thrust of his tongue, my knees were becoming weak and wobbly.

  When he pulled away, his eyes alight with mischief, I reached up and touched my own cheeks. Beneath my trembling fingers, I could feel the burn as I panted pathetically, trying to regain control of my heavy breathing.

  With his fingers digging into my hips, Nate held me steady. “Hey Jos?”

  “Mmmm?” I was still unable to form words.

  “Just for the record. The other night, you’re damn straight it was a date.”

  “Oh.”

  “And there will be another.”

  He bent forward and kissed my forehead so softly I barely believed he’d done it. After that intensely erotic kiss that curled my toes, he strutted out the door and into the night, leaving me standing there panting. Who knew one guy could be that hot and that sweet all wrapped up in such delicious packaging? I sure as hell didn’t.

  “Thank god there are no kids in here tonight!”

  I jumped at the voice over my shoulder before spinning around quickly, almost knocking Jenna on her ass. Grabbing her arm, we steadied each other before taking a step back and dissolving into a fit of laughter.

  “He sure can kiss.”

  “Looked like it.”

  “Shit! Jenna, I’m so sorry. I was supposed to be working and I sat down and had dinner, then that display…” My mind raced away. The moment Nate touched me I’d forgotten myself. Forgotten where I was and what I was supposed to be doing. Fuck it! I needed this job. I liked it even. I hoped Jenna wasn’t going to fire my ass.

  “Calm down, honey. Don’t even worry about it. That boy asked me to help him out, and by the look of that kiss, I’d say I did the right thing.”

  “You knew?”

  “Of course. Did you really think I didn’t?”

  “Honestly, I didn’t think about it at all.”

  “And if a man like that was vying for my attention, I doubt I’d be able to remember my own name, let alone anything else.”

  She winked at me. The evil witch winked at me. Yanking the tie out of my hair, I shook my long hair loose. It didn’t need retying, but I gave me something to do with my nervous hands. Once it was tied back, I noticed Jenna was cleaning up the now empty plates and glasses from the table. Quickly I moved and scooped up my own dirty plate and used napkin. There was no way I was allowing my boss to clean up after me.

  Silently I followed her back to the bar. After tossing the napkins in the bin, I dropped the plate and silverware in the dishwasher and watched while Jenna did the same. “It’s quiet tonight. Why don’t you head out and I’ll close up.”

  “Feeling guilty?”

  “Maybe.” With a new memory of Nate’s body pressed against mine and the words he’d spoken buzzing about in my head, I wanted nothing more than to finish up here, go home, and crawl into my bed so I could replay it over and over and over again. I had a feeling this was one night, one conversation I wouldn’t be letting go of any time soon.

  “Don’t be. I remember what it was like to be young.”

  “You do?” I blurted it out without thinking. Fuck, what was wrong with me tonight? Oh, that’s right. Nate fucking Mitchell.

  “Watch it, missy!”

  Jenna snapped the tea towel and it made a cracking sound as it collected the edge of the stainless bench, missing my legs by mere inches. “Sorry! I’m sorry!” I professed, holding my hands up in surrender.

  “I’ll accept your apology. This time.”

  “Thanks. But seriously, go home, Jenna. I got this.”

  “You sure?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Thanks. I could do with a hot bath. My damn feet are killing me.”

  A moment later, Jenna returned from the office, her dirty apron balled up in one hand, her purse in the other as she headed off. She had the door half open before she spun back around and came back to the bar.

  “I almost forgot these,” she explained, dropping the set of master keys in my outstretched palm. “We’ll need to organise you a set of your own if you’re sticking around.”

  “Who said I’m sticking around?”

  “What reason have you got to leave?”

  She had me there. What reason did I have to run? Again. Everything was good here. With the exception of Nate, who knew what was going on there other than the fact the man was boiling my blood and making me crazy, everything else seemed perfect. Maybe it was time to put down some real roots. Give Matilda the home she deserved.

  “Go! Enjoy your bath.”

  “Jealous?”

  “More than you know.”

  “Oh, I’m not sure. Judging by the dreamy look on your face, I’d say you need a cold shower more than a bath.”

  I had no words.

  Again.

  Grabbing the dirty rag from sink, I tossed it at her retreating form, hitting her square in the ass. For someone who was old enough to be my mother, Jenna was in amazing shape. Even I was impressed by her perky ass as she walked away. From my spot behind the bar, I heard her distinctive laughter echo through the almost empty bar as she made her way out the door.

  As much as I didn’t want to admit
it, she was right. A cold shower was definitely in my future.

  Chapter 16

  Nate

  I was worse than a teenager. I wasn’t sure how it was possible, but I was worse than a fifteen-year-old boy who’d just seen his first set of real tits. I’d already jerked off twice since I got home. I couldn’t shake the thoughts of Josie from my mind. Not that I wanted to. Not really. The sounds she made, the way she wriggled in my arms, pressing herself against me. The way she tasted on my tongue. The look of her swollen, well-kissed lips. Damn, that was an image I wasn’t letting go of ever. Knowing I was the one responsible for them.

  After a quick, cold shower I collapsed into bed. Josie was a puzzle I had yet to figure out. Tonight I’d learnt a lot. A lot I didn’t like. Not. One. Little. Bit. Someone, some asshole, had broken her. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that part out. Shattered her self-esteem and left an empty shell. Or at least she saw herself as an empty shell. The truth was, she was far from it. Any idiot with eyes could see it. So it did nothing but piss me off that she couldn’t. It was my mission now. One I set right then and there. I was going to make her see it again. No matter what. Josie would believe what a fun, sexy, and smart woman she really was.

  Damn it! Even thinking about who she was made me hard again, and soon enough I was pitching a tent with the cool, cotton sheet. It was going to be one long, lonely night.

  ***

  The morning came way too soon for my liking. And it wasn’t Saturday. I had to get my tired, grumpy ass up and go on a school excursion. What sort of idiot suggests taking a busload of boys on a two hour drive to play football in the freezing cold? Oh, that’s right. Me. I’m the moron that thought it would be a good idea. Thankfully, Mia, who’d wormed her way into the school’s good graces, had volunteered to come with me, so at least I had someone to talk to.

  Swinging my legs over the side of my bed, I groaned as I stretched my arms high above my head, hearing the creaking of my old, overused joints. The pain felt fantastic. Dropping my hands back to my sides, I found myself lightheaded and more than a little dizzy. For a few moments I just sat there, completely naked, focusing on my breathing. This wasn’t something I remember feeling before and I didn’t like it. When the spinning finally subsided, I risked standing. I was fine for three steps. Three lousy steps before I wobbled on my feet, crashing my shoulder into the wardrobe as I fought to stay upright. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend the world outside didn’t exist. But I couldn’t. Not today. Today I had a football team counting on me and I wouldn’t let them down. In my few short years teaching, I’d seen enough kids disappointed by adults to know I never wanted to be responsible for putting that look on their innocent faces. I was going, no matter what. Coffee would help. Coffee fixed everything.

  Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my pyjama pants from the end of the bed and pulled them up over my hips before tightening the drawstring. Even that seemed an effort. Leaning on the wall, I shuffled down the hallway and into the kitchen. Outside it was still dark and dew touched everything. On a normal day, a day where I didn’t feel like every movement was making me want to throw up, this would be my favourite time of the day. The time where nothing had gone wrong and the world was at peace. Well, at least my world. It was something I’d come to appreciate since moving here. The lack of drama. I’d lived through enough of that bullshit to last a lifetime. I had no intentions of chasing more.

  Turning on the kettle, I grabbed my favourite coffee mug from the counter. But I was still off balance. When I went to set it down again to fill it with the elixir of life, also known as my morning flat white, I misjudged the bench and sent the cup clattering to the ground, where it shattered, sending shards of ceramics in every direction.

  “Fucking hell!”

  Today was going to shit. Quickly. When I attempted to step over the mess to grab the broom, with the luck I was having, it made complete sense that I stepped on a piece, lodging it in my heel. Pain shot up my leg and I let a string of expletives fly. Some that weren’t even real words.

  Slumping onto the bar stool, I grabbed my foot and dug out the offending shard before dropping it back to the floor and slumping forward. This was bullshit. When the alarm on my phone sounded, I knew I had to get my dragging ass moving. That was the snooze alarm getting me out of bed. I gave up on my coffee and the mess on the floor, hey, it’d still be there when I get home and I’d deal with it then. At least I might be awake then. Heading for the shower, I got ready for my day.

  Or at least I tried to.

  Today was so not my day. In the shower I’d had to lean on the wall just to hold myself upright. Having that much trouble standing meant I wasn’t shaving. Not just because I couldn’t be bothered, and I’ll admit that was some of it, but more so because I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t accidentally slit my own throat with a blunt razor blade.

  Eventually I was ready to go. Dressed in a pair of jeans, runners, collared shirt, and jumper, it would do. And thankfully, none of it needed ironing. Stepping outside into the cool air, I noticed the drizzle had started coming down. It was light and misleading, but undoubtedly it was there. Not trusting myself on a slippery road on my bike, I grabbed the huge golf umbrella, tossed my bag over my shoulder, and started walking to work.

  By the time I made it to the end of the street I was panting heavily. I didn’t think I was that unfit. Sure, I couldn’t quite remember the last time I’d seen the inside of a gym or gone for a run, but surely all the construction and renovations I’d been doing wouldn’t let me fall that far, that quickly. But with the sweat gathering on my brow, I knew I had to make some time to fit some exercise in. And soon. The drizzle soon turned to rain, and when I fell through the front gates of the school I was fucked. There was no other word to describe it really. Completely and utterly fucked. How the hell I was supposed to keep up with a bunch of hyper wannabe footballers all day I had no clue.

  Ducking into my classroom, carefully dodging the parents already pulling into the car park, I just needed a minute. A minute and then I’d be fine to go. Everything was an effort, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I found myself grateful that I’d been bored yesterday while I waited for the Parents and Citizens meeting to start and got organised. Grabbing the clipboard from my desk, I flicked through, making sure everything I needed was still there. Consent forms, entry form, and a list of important numbers—like the bus company who were notorious for not showing up. I was sure the only reason they were still in business was because there was no competition. Not in a town this size.

  Taking a swig from the half empty bottle of water on my desk, my stomach turned over at the intrusion. Something was seriously not right with me today. I’d deal with it later. I didn’t have time to be sick today. Grabbing my sunglasses, I slipped them on my tired eyes and headed out to join the growing group in the parking lot.

  “Morning,” I grumbled as I tried to fake enthusiasm. Even that was draining. Fuck me, it was going to be a one long ass day.

  A few fathers shook my hand vigorously before bidding their child goodbye and climbing into their mud covered trucks and heading off, leaving me in charge. Some days I couldn’t believe people would do that. Trust me with the most precious thing in their life. Their children. It wasn’t something I’d ever do. That’s why I wasn’t having children. You couldn’t trust anyone with them. Not for a second.

  The moment their parents were out of sight, the boys became boys. Running and tackling each other. I’m not sure what they had for breakfast, whatever it was had them bouncing and ready to go. At this rate they’d be exhausted before we even got to the field. But while they weren’t hurting each other, I wasn’t about to stop them. They weren’t pestering me, so all was good. I rubbed my temples, feeling the headache settling in. I needed Mia to hurry up so I could dash back inside and grab some aspirin, otherwise there was no way I was going to survive today. All I had to do was hold out until she g
ot here.

  More kids arrived and the noise grew. So did the pounding in my skull.

  A heavy hand clamped down on my shoulder and I almost doubled over from its weight. Staggering forward, it took a second for me to steady myself on my own feet. It was embarrassing. I was quite sure I looked like I was drunk.

  Slowly I spun around, coming face to face with a concerned Derek.

  “Hi,” I offered weakly, as I thrust my hand out between us.

  I was moving slowly and my mind seemed to be even slower, but I didn’t miss the quirk of his eyebrow as Derek took me in. When I’d left home I’d looked fine. Maybe a little pale and unkempt due to the two day stubble on my chin, other than that though, I was fine. Under Derek’s intense scrutiny though, I was doubting it. I was doubting everything.

  He took my hand and squeezed. I almost doubled over in pain. Hissing through my teeth, I managed to hold myself upright. Barely. “Morning.”

  Mia stepped beside him and froze.

  “Shit, Nate! You look like death. What are you doing here?”

  “Mia!” Derek warned, pointing out the kids running every which way surrounding us. Mia giggled as she bit her lip. Today was going to be interesting, to say the least. If I could stay awake through it.

  “Um, we have a busload of kids to get to a football carnival?”

  “No. The kids need to get to the carnival. You need to get back to bed.”

  “I…can’t.” My protest was weak. The truth was with every passing second I wanted to do nothing more. Bed sounded wonderful right about now. I would have sworn I could have slept for a week and still be tired. “I’ll be fine. I just need to get some aspirin. This headache’s killing me.”

  “You sure?”