Believing Again (Finding Your Place Book 3)

by Rebecca Barber

  With my head in my hands, I didn’t have to see Mia to know she stepped into the room. I’d been waiting for my berating from the moment I’d spotted her. “Just hit me with it.”

  “You’re really not feeling good about this, are you?”

  Her words shocked me. What the fuck did she think of me? Obviously she had no idea who I was or what I was about. I mean, I wanted to be pissed at her for that, but I knew I couldn’t be. It wasn’t her fault we were barely strangers. I just couldn’t help but hate what she did know about me. We’re always taught as kids, hell, I teach the kids the same thing, that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, and now I was faced with the reality that’s exactly what Mia was doing.

  “No.”

  “Thought as much. That’s why I’m here.” I quirked an eyebrow. Wiping my sweaty palms on my thighs.

  “What happened?” I asked, not really sure if I wanted to know the answer.

  “Josie is my sister and I love her, but she’s got more than her fair share of issues. It’s not my place to spill her secrets. I’m sure she’ll tell you what she wants you to know when the time’s right. But I can see this is haunting you, so I’ll give you the Cliffs Notes version.”

  I gulped. Hard. Adrenaline pumping through my body.

  “Josie comes across as cocky, confident, and full of sass. The truth is, it’s all bullshit. Josie made some decisions, some mistakes, and got judged pretty harshly. It’s pretty much the main reason she’s here.”

  “Here?”

  “Staying with me. She needed a safe place. Somewhere she could put herself back together. Josie and our parents, well, let’s just say that relationship is pretty much dead and buried.”

  “That sucks.”

  “It really is. Josie made some mistakes and she knew it, but she needed their support and they couldn’t give it. The girl you met, the girl you took out, is what’s left after all that. Josie’s a good girl and she has a massive heart, she’s just got to deal with her crap first.”

  “And you’re not going to tell me what that is, are you?”

  “Nope. Like I said, not my place.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “Just be patient with her, okay?”

  This was starting to sound like a hell of a lot of hard work. I didn’t even know if I wanted to deal with it. I couldn’t say that to Mia, though. She hadn’t kicked my ass yet, but I wouldn’t put it past her. Instead I offered a pathetic nod, not really trusting my words.

  “Thanks.”

  “The other night…is she…is she all right?”

  “Yeah. I found her sitting in the grandstand in the rain crying.”

  “Shit!” I leapt to my feet, running my hands through my hair.

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Nate,” Mia stated calmly as she reached out and took hold of my forearm. “She just needed some space to work through things.”

  “I didn’t…I didn’t force her or expect anything…”

  “No one thinks you did. Trust me, if we did, you’d know about it. Honestly, I think Josie’s biggest issue right now is her own embarrassment. She’ll be okay.”

  “Should I go talk to her?”

  “Not yet. Give her time. She’ll come to you when she’s ready.”

  “Okay.”

  Mia reached up and kissed my cheek before whispering in my ear, “You’re a good guy, Nate. Don’t give up on my sister just yet. She’s worth the effort. I promise.”

  I didn’t answer.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  This dating thing seemed like a lot of work. Hard work. Admittedly, it’d been a long time since I’d dated, and I was more than a little rusty, but it just seemed so damn hard. I wondered for a moment if it was even worth it.

  After I watched Mia sashay out of my classroom, I cleaned up some of the mess. Pushed in chairs, picked up stray pencils from the floor, and cleaned off the white board, before I grabbed my bag, slung it over my shoulder, hit the lights, and headed out the door. I took the long way home. And by long way I meant I made the five minute ride last forty. By the time I got there though, I had more questions than answers in my head. Mia’s words and half hints had left my mind spinning.

  The next four weeks went by in a blur of routine and fatigue. I went to work, worked on the house, and tried to teach myself to cook with very little success. I saw Josie a couple of times a week when I went to the club to get a decent meal. She was always polite but distant. Although I couldn’t prove it and I’d never call her out on it, I would have bet money that the blush that tinted her cheeks each time I saw her was because of the memory she had of us. It was a memory I couldn’t shake loose, and really, I didn’t want to. I’d spent more than a handful of cold, lonely nights remembering the way her warm mouth felt wrapped around my cock.

  It was pouring rain, blowing a gale and freezing cold, and I was not in the mood. I’d had enough of a lot of things. The Parents and Citizens’ Association meeting at school tonight had been the most torturous and wasted two hours of my life. I thought for a while the argument over what their next fundraising venture should be would never end. Thank fuck it did. Forcing open the door to the bar, it was pretty much deserted. It was only a Wednesday night, and in this weather I guessed most of the guys, the regulars I’d come to know, would rather stay home and eat baked beans on toast than venture out. Not me. I couldn’t stay away. And it wasn’t my rumbling stomach drawing me in.

  “Hey Josie,” I greeted her, plastering on my best panty-dropping grin.

  “Hi Nate. You’re out late.”

  “It’s only nine.”

  “On a school night.”

  “Been at a meeting.”

  “Ah, makes sense. What can I get you?”

  “I’ll just take a steak, medium rare, with mushroom sauce.”

  “Chips and salad?”

  “You know me too well.”

  “You’re in here enough. You must like the food.”

  “Or the company?” I tossed out haphazardly. I was fishing for a reaction. I knew it the moment the words escaped my lips.

  Josie’s cheeks burned under my gaze. “Can I also have a serving of calamari salad?”

  She raised an eyebrow but didn’t question my order. Instead, I watched as she noted it down before turning her attention to the cash register. Quickly I handed over some cash before heading towards my usual table in the corner.

  I never thought I’d have a regular spot. I may have spent more hours than I could count and more money than I had, working on my house, but I still never expected to put down roots. Not here anyway. It wasn’t part of my plan. When I’d accepted the position I knew exactly what I wanted. I was going to come out here, do my five years, gain the experience I needed, and head back to civilization. Back to the beach. Back to life. Fixing up the house was just supposed to be something to fill in time.

  I don’t know what compelled me to force the issue, all I knew was I’d had enough. There was just something about Josie I couldn’t stay away from. And my conversation with Mia, the warning she’d tossed out, didn’t deter me either. If anything, it intrigued me even more.

  “Here you go,” Josie said as she placed the plates down in front of me before adding silverware.

  As she spun on her heel and went to head back to the bar, I reached out and wrapped my fingers around her wrist. The black long sleeve shirt she wore did nothing to contain the warmth from her skin from seeping into my hand.

  “Sit down, Josie.” My voice was strong, firm, and left no room for argument. I watched as indecision flickered over her beautiful face. I might not know about the demons that haunted her, but her gorgeous, innocent face, as it stared wide-eyed back at me, had me wanting to. “Sit down and eat your dinner.”

  “My—what?”

  “Your dinner. I know you haven’t eaten yet, and I’d like some company.”

  “You just think—”

  “Josie, please,” I huffed. Standing up, I pulled out her chair an
d waited. After a long, painful pause, Josie dropped her ass into the seat and picked a piece of calamari out of her salad and bit down, groaning.

  My dick twitched at the sound. It was a sound I’d only heard once before, and looked forward to hearing again. Soon, if I was lucky.

  Sinking into my chair, I cut off a piece of steak and stuffed it in my mouth before I said something stupid. Every thought in my head right now was stupid, it was only a matter of time before one of those traitorous thoughts escaped.

  “How’s the salad?”

  “Not bad. Why?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nope. It’s never nothing. You got something to say, Nate. Spit it out.”

  I coughed. Choked on the words stuck in my throat. “I got nothing.”

  “Bullshit.”

  Chapter 15

  Josie

  My heart was pounding so hard I could have sworn it was going to burst through my chest at any moment. With the first piece of squid in my stomach, it rumbled loudly for more. Embarrassingly so. I wanted to stuff the rest down my throat as quick as I could, but I knew it wasn’t lady-like. The only issue was I wasn’t sure I wanted to shovel the food down because I was starving, or if I wanted to get away from Nate and his penetrating, soul-searching stare.

  I know I’d been a chicken shit. I’d been avoiding him. Dodging any situation where we might even accidentally bump into each other. I sent Mia to get groceries, changed my afternoon walking route so I didn’t go by the school just in case he happened to be on the playground. I’d even stopped taking Matilda to the park to play because it was just down the road from his house. I know it was petty and childish and completely irrational, but I couldn’t force myself get past it. I wish I could have. Every time I closed my eyes, I remembered the look of pure lust in his eyes, and it made me clench my thighs together. Every time I stepped into my own kitchen, I swear I could hear his moans and groans. And when it rained, which it seemed to do every fucking day at the moment, I relived the total humiliation I’d subjected myself to. What made everything worse, everything harder to deal with, was I couldn’t quite figure out what it was that I was most embarrassed about. Was it what I did? Dropping to my knees on a first date, if it was even a date. Or was it the way I reacted after, running out into the night like someone lit my ass on fire that I should be mortified about? Or was it everything I’d done since. Hiding in the shadows instead of pulling up my big girl panties and facing what I’d done head on. After all, a blow job isn’t the end of the world.

  “So how have you been?”

  “Is that really what you want to know, Nate?”

  “What are you—”

  “No point in playing dumb. One, it doesn’t suit you. And two, I can see Jenna from here watching to see what happens next. So you might as well spit it out.”

  As the words flowed out, I could barely believe it. At some point in the last ten minutes I’d grown a set of balls. Big ones. I don’t know where they’d come from but I was fucked if I was giving them back.

  Indecision flickered over Nate’s face, and I couldn’t help but to admire how hot he looked. The stubble on his chin made him look dark and slightly dangerous even, but it was the light in his eyes that made my heart skip a beat. I felt it. Every-fucking-where. Clamping my thighs together, I prayed it would be enough to ease the building pressure. Forcing myself to swallow another mouthful, I was surprised to discover it had no flavour.

  “Okay.” Nate looked me straight in the eye, his steely gaze trapping me. Placing his knife and fork down slowly, he took a second to wipe his mouth on the paper napkin. Not that there was anything wrong with his mouth. Believe me, I’d been staring at it from the moment I’d sat down. “There’s one thing I’m dying to know.” I gulped. I wanted to slide out of my chair and hide under the table until his big, bad scary words went away. Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded mutely. “What’d I do wrong?”

  “Excuse me?” I coughed. Was he fucking serious right now? I was the one who acted like a cheap whore and he’s worried what he did.

  “I mean, one minute we were fine, or at least I thought we were. Then the next, when I eventually came back down to earth, you were gone. I mean, shit! I thought you were in the bathroom, and when I went looking for you, you were just gone. What happened, Josie?”

  My mouth fell open and hit the table between us. Or at least I thought it did. My eyes darted to the ceiling, looking everywhere other than at the gorgeous hunk of man candy sitting before me. I couldn’t bear the look on his face. It was pure torture. If I wanted to hide under the table before, now I was praying the earth opened up beneath me while a big, hairy, zit-covered monster dragged me into the fiery depths of hell. Actually, thinking about it, I don’t think they’d be dragging me as opposed to I’d be dancing along doing the conga on my way. Anything would be better than suffering through this conversation.

  “Umm…” I felt my cheeks burn.

  When Nate’s hand clamped down over mine and held firm, I had no choice. Running away wasn’t really an option. Dragging my gaze from the beer stain on the carpet, I met his stare. “Josie, no matter what you say, it’s fine. I promise.”

  “You can’t make that promise.”

  “Yes. I can.”

  “Nate…you’re a good guy. One of the best I’ve met, but please don’t waste your time worrying about me. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. It was me. All me.” I tried to wiggle my hand free but he wasn’t having a bar of it. If anything, he held tighter.

  “Josie,” his voice was velvety smooth and soft. “Please look at me.”

  Sighing heavily, I did as he asked, and when he rubbed his thumb back and forth across the back of my hand, I caved. I might have been humiliated and disgusted with myself, but there was just something about Nate, a mystery I hadn’t quite solved yet, but I found myself desperately wanting to. God, did I want to.

  “What did you do?”

  I raised my eyebrow at him in disbelief. Was he seriously asking me what I did? Surely he remembered that part. Or maybe I wasn’t that memorable. Maybe he had a whole parade of women dropping to their knees on his kitchen tiles, sucking him like a lollipop. I didn’t know him that well. Maybe that was what he liked. Easy women.

  “I mean, I know what you did obviously, but I just don’t see the big deal. Yeah sure, it happened. It was fucking fantastic. But the world didn’t end. We didn’t hurt anyone…wait, did we?”

  “No. Nothing like that.”

  “Well then, I thought we were having fun. I know I was. Then you were…you were just gone.”

  “Didn’t you want me to be?”

  This guy was doing my head in. I didn’t know what I was supposed to think. Isn’t that what they all wanted? Blow their load then not have to deal with the consequences? Namely me. Based on my past experiences it was. How was I supposed to know Nate was different? Even Matilda’s sperm donor had been like that. Once he got what he wanted, he rolled over and went to sleep. Didn’t even care if I finished or not. The only good thing I got out of that douche canoe was Matilda.

  Yanking back his hand abruptly, I watched as he tugged on his hair. I hoped in frustration, but the twisted, aggravated look on his face wasn’t clear. “Fuck!” he growled. It was so low no one but me could hear it.

  Glancing around the bar, I realised it was almost empty. Beyond the door, I could hear the wind causing havoc as the tin roof was pelted by rain. Jenna was watching the scene unfold, though. I wasn’t completely alone. She stood behind the bar, leaning against the wood, polishing the glasses. Slowly. I knew she was more interested in what was going on over here than what she was doing.

  “Look, Josie. I know we don’t know each other very well. And I’m willing to admit that what happened between us was unexpected. Awesome, but unexpected. But you need to know that was never my intention. Not even for a second.”

  “So you don’t think I’m a slut?” I blurted it out. I hadn’t meant to. I meant to keep that qu
estion all to myself.

  “Fuck no!”

  The look on his face, which I’d dismissed as frustration, quickly morphed into anger. His brows furrowed, his jaw set, and when he clenched his hands into balls, his knuckles quickly turned white under the strain.

  “Is that what you think of yourself?” His question was so direct it stung, despite his calm, cool tone.

  “No.” My word lacked conviction. It came out more as a question than an answer.

  “Liar.”

  “I’m not lying.”

  “You are. That’s it, isn’t it? You think you did something wrong and that’s why you’re avoiding me. That’s why you ran.”

  I folded my arms across my chest, trying to protect myself from his words. Bastard. He’d seen right through me. I wanted to tell him he was wrong. Make him believe he was way off target. The issue was, he wasn’t. He’d hit the fucking bullseye. How could I convince him, if I couldn’t even convince myself?

  “Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me, Josie. Say something!”

  His voice was deep and raspy. It sent a shiver racing down my spine. This man was going to be the death of me. I was giving myself whiplash trying to hold on to my out of control hormones. It was torture. Pure fucking torture.

  “What! What do you want me to say, Nate?” I snapped loudly.

  Before I could react, Nate pushed back from his chair and crouched down beside me. His eyes locked with mine, and when he rested his hand on my thigh, I could have sworn I was on the verge of exploding, only I wasn’t sure if it was from lust or fury. Maybe a combination of both. Sighing heavily, I looked at him, and for the first time I saw pain. I hadn’t expected to see that, and it threw me completely off balance.

  “I don’t want you to say anything, Josie. I want you to tell me what’s going through that pretty little head of yours.”

  “That’s a dangerous invitation.”

  “Josie…”

  I heard my name slip from his lips and the fight evaporated out of me. There was nothing I could do about it. In my mind, I imagined that it was the same voice he used trying to control of rambunctious ten-year-olds who’d had a lunch of red cordial and lollies. And just like a ten-year-old, I was brought to my knees.