Controlling Circumstances

by Jean Kelso

“I’m sorry.” Gabe looks at me with sadness in his eyes. “If there’s anything that I can do to help, please let me know.” He leans forward and reaches for my hand that rests on the table.

  I’m not going to cry…No, I am going to cry. Damn it! A small sob escapes my lips. “I don’t know why I told you. I guess I needed to tell someone besides Mel,” I lie. I know why, but he doesn’t need to know. I reach for a napkin with my other hand and wipe up the escaped tears. “I go for surgery on Monday. Doctors say they caught it early and hope to remove it that way.” I shake my head and hold in another sob. I really need to stop crying in front of this man. He’s going to think I’m a frigging train wreck with all the tears I continue to shed.

  I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I need the time to calm my emotions before we continue our conversation. I really want to continue to talk with Gabe. I feel good when I’m around him. I don’t understand it. Being around Gabe seems to fill that void within me.

  Fifteen minutes is how long it takes me to calm myself after my episode. Returning to the table, I sit in the chair across from Gabe once again. He sits quietly and sips what now looks to be a refreshed cup of coffee.

  “Are you alright?” Gabe asks as he tips his head and smiles.

  “I’m better now, thank you.” I smile back at him and sip at my own refreshed cup. “I’m sorry for crying so much. It has been so much to take in since I was told about the cancer. Then you entered my life and paid attention to me in a manner no one else ever has. It’s been too much to handle all at once.” I sink into my chair and eye the man before me. He’s a mystery all on his own. Gabe takes a chance on me—a perfect stranger—or so I think. I may have to ask Mel and see if she has been dishing out information about me. He doesn’t seem to be running too far too fast. You have to admit, it is strange that he’s still here, listening to me talk and cry. Most men would hightail it by now. At least they had in the past. Oh well. For now I’ll take what I can get and take it one day at a time.

  “My intentions were never to make you cry. I know a little about you. Mel did spill the beans a little bit.” Gabe grins. “I want to show you what you are worth.”

  Chills run up my spine. I’m worth something? According to Mike, I’m shit. I’m a fat tease that didn’t put out when he wanted it so he took it. But I can’t think about that right now. This man wants me…me and all my f’ugliness. I don’t completely understand why, but I guess I’ll have to find out. “I’m trying so hard not to cry again. I’m sorry. You must think I’m a total wreck.” A laugh bubbles up from my chest. I can’t contain it. I think I’m losing it.

  I wipe at my eyes, not noticing Gabe get up. He stands beside me with his hand held out.

  “Come on,” he says.

  Demanding again? Jeepers. What is with this man, and why do I keep jumping when he says so? Still, I put my hand in his and get up. Hand in hand we leave the café.

  We walk until we reach the door to his place, which turns out to be the door that he leaned beside last night outside the bar. We stand there in silence until he speaks. “Trust me?”

  I look deep into his eyes and see that glint that I’ve seen before. I can’t stop myself from answering. “Yes.”

  Gabe opens the door and escorts me up to his home above the bar.

  We enter a large foyer, remove our shoes and he guides me into the next room. It turns out to be the living room. The room is huge. It has dark cherry walls, a rustic hardwood floor, a large flat screen TV on the far wall, and black leather furniture. Gabe has a matching coffee table with end tables. The wood looks to be a dark cherry wood and the tops are made of glass.

  Gabe escorts me to the couch. “Sit down,” he announces.

  I sit without a word, as my eyes wander the room in awe. Everything is beautiful. I never thought such beauty could sit above a bar.

  Gabe sits beside me and grasps both my hands in his. “Well?”

  “This is beautiful.” My eyes still search the room with wonder until they land on Gabe. His beautiful dark blue eyes shine brightly at me as I smile at him. He lets go of my hand with one of his and I feel that hand moving up my thigh. He still gazes at me, taking my breath away.

  I feel instant heat between my legs as his hand moves up more to almost cup my core. My heart skips a beat, making my mind think of Gabe and only him as I lean into him and press my moist lips to his. I reach and wrap my hands around his neck to pull Gabe into me. Not sure if this is where he’s going with this, but with that look in his eyes, I simply can’t resist.

  “Mmm,” I moan. His mouth is warm and inviting.

  I feel Gabe move into me, getting closer to feel me. I let him take the control, not going to deny him. I let him tease my lips as he nibbles them to encourage me to open. I willingly let him enter and his tongue touches mine, massaging together as Gabe suckles, nibbles and teases some more. The man sure can kiss.

  Feeling the need to have Gabe closer, I tug him into me. He concedes and straddles my lap cupping my face and taking the kiss even deeper. My mind begins to swim with pure lust.

  I can’t think straight. Gabe’s lips are warm and inviting. His tongue tastes so sweet and his hands feel so powerful. He’s in control, giving into him, and he takes it willingly, feeling every nerve ending I have on fire.

  Gabe’s mouth nibbles its way around to suck on my ear and letting a moan escape. My ears are sensitive and he hit the nail on the head with that move. I let my head fall back and close my eyes, taking in every touch of his lips and breath. My heart begins to race, my breathing accelerates. His touch quickly turns me on.

  I reach my arms up and place them around Gabe’s neck before I move them down his back and to his ass. I want to feel it all, every part of him. With the effects this man gives me, I can’t seem to get close enough to him. How is it that he can do this to me? Turn me on, make me hotter than hot. A perfect stranger—a man I just met can do it with a simple touch? No man has ever made me feel like this—feel worthy and free. It’s a damn shame, too, because it makes me feel amazing. Horny as hell, but amazing. Even though I feel this way, deeply-rooted in my mind are the thoughts of being unworthy—the feelings of ugliness try to bust up and defeat the happiness I feel. I should be able to just feel and go with the flow, not have to fight my own thoughts. Ugh.

  I feel Gabe’s hands caress and then squeeze my breasts. It pulls me out of my thoughts. I lean my head forward and moan at his touch. Seeing Gabe lick his lips causes mine to automatically react, and I lick my own. Moments later he’s on me, squeezing my breasts again. Running his palm over my sensitive nipples, I shiver to his touch. I never knew that I could feel this good, even through clothing, but I suppose when you’re as horny as I am, everything feels good.

  Gabe moves his hands slowly down to the hem of my shirt and slides his hands underneath. He urges me to release my arms from his body and pauses his kiss long enough to tug the shirt up and over my head.

  He takes no time at all to dip his mouth into the valley between my breasts, beginning to suckle. He knows how to make a woman feel good—damn good. Pressing my chest up to his face giving him what he wants. I don’t want to seem desperate, but fuck his mouth feels wonderful in all the right places.

  He licks the tops of my breasts and nibbles on my nipples through my dark purple bra, making me moan. Gabe’s mouth works its way up my chest, my neck, my chin, and a finally peck on my lips before he pulls back.

  I breathe heavily as I stare at him.

  “Fuck, you taste so good, like vanilla, but I need to slow down, Belle,” Gabe pants out.

  “Okay,” I whisper to him as I try to get my breathing under control myself. I don’t know what it is about this man, but he can work me up so fast, it’s unbelievable…and just a little scary, too.

  Gabe shifts himself off my lap and sits on the coffee table across from me.

  I begin to calm down from the excitement and feel a chill run through me. It’s then I remember I have no shirt on. I find it beside
me on the couch, grab it and pull it back on. “I am sorry.” I give Gabe a weak smile.

  He scrunches his eyebrows. “What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong. I was losing control.” Gabe takes a few deep breathes. “I don’t like losing control.” He shakes his head and looks at me.

  Gabe’s eyes give away the fact that I fluster him. I’m flustered too, but I’m not about to tell him that. No man has wanted me like this before, the way Gabe wants me. No one has told me that I am beautiful or have made me feel the way Gabe does. I’m not going to ruin whatever this is before anything really happens.

  “Maybe I should go,” I look down and whisper. “I don’t know if I should be doing this—feeling this. I don’t know you well enough. You’re too much…and I’m not enough…” I ramble on and on.

  “Stop that.” Gabe reaches with his hand and lifts my chin. We make eye contact. “If you want to go I’ll understand, but please stop belittling yourself to me.” His words are soft. “You’re an amazing woman. You may not see that, but from what I see, you are.” The corners of Gabe’s mouth turn up into a full-blown smile.

  That smile does wonders for me. Heat rushes up and makes me blush.

  Staring into Gabe’s eyes, I search and wonder what it is about him that makes me feel this way. I feel wanted, but I’m unsure about everything. All I have to go by is a glint in his eye and a tingle in my tummy. Go figure.

  I still don’t understand how he knows so much about me. I was brave once. I may as well hit him up with some more questions. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Yes.” Gabe looks at me with a smile.

  “Why did you ask Mel my name?” I search his face for answers—for any hint. “I mean, when and why?”

  “Can I plead the fifth?” Gabe smirks.

  “I prefer you didn’t.”

  He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh, “Well, I’ll give you this much for now, and I hope this will do. I saw you and Mel together at the coffee shop about three months ago. She started to frequent my bar more and more.” Gabe glances down to the floor and back up again. His eyes glisten in the light. “I saw the pair of you walking by the bar one morning, and that same evening Mel came in. I suppose curiosity got the best of me and I asked her your name.” Gabe lets out a slow breath.

  Gabe has known my name that long? He’s known of me for that long. He’s seen me, but I’ve never seen him? The thoughts start to swirl in my head. For three months, this man has wanted to know me. Me, he wanted to know me. Holy shit. I need to get out of here. I’m nervous and anxious, but excited, too. I don’t know how to feel about this…what to do with the information he just gave me. Ugh.

  “I suppose that’ll do for now, but I do want to know everything when you’re ready, I guess.” I push myself up from the couch and try not to show Gabe my confused emotions as I get ready to leave.

  Gabe reaches for my wrist as I turn. “You’re still leaving?”

  “Yes, I think it’s for the best right now.” I show as little emotion as possible. “I have several things to do and think through before the surgery.” At that moment I move to the stairs and head down.

  I hear him follow, but I don’t look back. I can’t handle this right now. With my fucked-up emotions about him and Monday coming up fast, I need space…time…a drink? Yes, a drink sounds good.

  I can’t let a man into my life now…can I? Even if I seem to have a special connection with him, it’s just not possible right now. Plus, what’s with this control thing he was talking about? If I let Gabe in, he would need to know about Mike and about restraining me. I have limits. Will Gabe understand?

  CHAPTER 6

  Belle

  MONDAY MORNING COMES and my nerves are sky-high. Mel stayed with me last night knowing what I was going to go through today. It is six a.m. and Mel is in the kitchen making herself a coffee when I come out of the bathroom. As I peered through the mirror, I looked horrible. My skin is pale, my eyes drawn in and blackened and I have that simple look of fear of the unknown peeking through my ever-revealing eyes. I didn’t sleep well in the night. I’m a wreck. My surgery is today and I have no idea what they’re going to find once they get inside. My oncologist is optimistic about my prognosis, but with my luck, one can never be sure.

  “Well…are you ready for this, hun?” Mel sleepily asks me as she yawns.

  “I don’t think anyone is ever ready,” I reply and arch my eyebrows with an expression of defeat. I go to my room, grab my already packed bag, return to the living room and plunk my butt on the couch. “Hmm,” I sigh.

  “What’s up, buttercup?” Mel walks over and sits beside me. She leans in and sets her head on my shoulder. Mel looks up to my face and sees the tears that start to stream down my cheeks. “Oh, honey, everything will be okay.” She speaks softly, but firmly, “You’re going to kick cancer’s ass. It won’t even know what hit it!” Mel jerks her body around and pulls me into a big hug.

  “I know,” I tell her. “I’m just worried. I want to get through this.” I sigh and look her in the eye. “Also, I’m just getting to know Gabe, and I really like him. There’s a strange connection between us. I want to know him and I think we can be something. That is if I live through this.” I sob and wipe at the tears that were already running down my face.

  Mel chokes up, “Oh, honey. You’ll get through this. As for Gabe, I don’t think he’s going anywhere. I’m pretty sure the feelings are mutual when it comes to him with you.” Mel pulls me back in for another hug and I let her.

  We arrive at the hospital an hour early because I need to preregister. I’m nervous as hell. Once I’m registered, they direct Mel to a waiting room. They take me back to be prepped in OR One.

  Now it’s a waiting game. I sit in a little waiting room of my own in a small hospital gown, my legs jittering up and down as I feel like I’m going to vomit. I hope they call my name soon.

  ***

  Gabe

  I’m home debating on whether to go to the hospital or not. Belle has her surgery today, and I want to be there for her. I don’t want to interfere. I know Mel will probably be there but still want to be there for my woman.

  Fuck. Did I just call Belle my woman? Damn right, I did. I plan to make her mine as soon as this surgery is over with. I know we don’t really know each other, but that’s the joy of the relationship—getting to know each other.

  I finish my coffee and grab my keys, slip on my shoes and head out. I don’t pray much, but I am today. I pray that Belle makes it through her surgery with no complications. She seems to have had enough happen in her life, she doesn’t need any more problems.

  Mel is reading a magazine when I find her sitting in the waiting room. She eyes me up and down. I just shake it off. I know there’s nothing wrong with my outfit—usual outfit of blue jeans, a tee and my Doc Martens. Women tend to check me out every once in a while, but for Mel to do it—especially when she knows I’m into her friend—just makes me want to curse at her. I don’t, because I have a reason to be here—same reason Mel’s here.

  I narrow my eyes at her, walk over to the chair across from her and sit. “How is she?”

  “I haven’t heard anything yet. I’m still waiting. She’s been in there for about an hour now.” Mel sets the magazine on the table beside her and crosses her legs.

  I look at her intently. I didn’t think the surgery would be that long, but who am I to say anything—I’m no doctor. “What would be taking so lo…”

  Mel stops me mid-sentence. “Relax, Gabe. It all depends on what they find.” She shifts her legs out and rests her feet on the floor again. Mel looks just as nervous as I feel. This can’t be good.

  “So did you get a chance to talk a little over the weekend? You know, to get to know each other?” Mel asks with a smirk on her face.

  I nod my head. “Yeah, we talked a little. I took her for coffee and showed her my apartment.”

  “Well that’s a—” Mel begins.

  There’s a beep
from the overhead, “CODE BLUE OR ONE, TRAUMA PLEASE RESPOND, CODE BLUE OR ONE TRAUMA PLEASE RESPOND.”

  Mel jumps right out of her chair and screams. “No!” She starts to run.

  I have no idea what’s going on, so I jump up and start running after Mel. Panic begins to set in as I run after her, attempting to yell at her. “What’s going on?”

  “Belle is in OR ONE!” I see Mel starting to cry as she runs to I-don’t-know-where.

  I finally catch up to Mel, grab ahold of her and hug her tightly. I have no idea what a Code Blue is, and it obviously isn’t good, but I need to be strong right now. Strong for Belle and strong for Mel too, I guess. Mel shakes like a leaf in my arms.

  “Shh, just try to relax. Belle is strong. She’ll fight this. You told me this yourself.” I guide her back to the waiting room and hope someone comes to give us answers.

  Mel’s frantic. No matter what I try to do to help her, she can’t get the tears to stop. She still shakes and she’s pale. Mel’s sobs are out of control. All I can do is hold Mel and let her get it all out.

  “She can’t die,” Mel squeaks out.

  “Don’t talk like that. She isn’t going to die,” I grit out. Hopefully not so rudely that Mel takes offense, but I am already having a hard enough time keeping my thoughts under control. To keep them in a clear state of mind when everything is hunky-dory is hard. But not when you have a chick bawling her eyes out in your arms, especially when she’s crying about the woman you care about. I’m not ready to lose Belle, so there’s no way in hell I can think anything like that.

  It seems like hours before the doctor comes to the waiting room to talk to us. He pulls Mel outside and directs her to another room to deliver the news.

  I’m strung tighter than a fucking snare drum now. Fear creeps up of the unknown. I can’t just sit here anymore and begin to pace the hallway and wait for Mel. Hopefully, she’ll have some answers for me and ease my mind.

  “Please be okay, please be okay…” I mumble to myself. Maybe this will help…then again, probably not.