Controlling Circumstances

by Jean Kelso

  About twenty minutes later Mel comes out of the room and she looks a little better than she did when she went in. The doctor smiles at me briefly and walks away.

  I rush over to her. “Well?” I’m frantic for answers and plead with my eyes. I search Mel’s face for answers, but she isn’t talking. Why isn’t she talking?

  Mel suggests we move to a corner in the hall before she speaks. Her face is flushed and her eyes are puffy, but she’s stopped crying, so that’s a good thing—I hope.

  “She’s okay,” Mel starts. “She was under the anaesthetic longer than they expected and her heart couldn’t handle it.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “They were able to revive her and stabilize her heart with some medications.” Mel looks down to the floor and winces.

  I see that wince, and I know something bad is about to be said. “What else, Mel? You’re scaring me here.”

  Mel looks up at me again and continues. “Belle’s tests showed she had cancer in her one ovary and they had said it was just the one.” Mel’s body trembles while she speaks. “But once they got inside, they found the cancer was much more advanced than what all the tests had shown. It had spread so rapidly.” Tears start down Mel’s face again. “There was nothing else they could do. They had to do a complete hysterectomy on her.” Mel’s sobs are out of control now.

  Again I reach over and pull her into a hug. “But she’s alive? Will she be okay?” I don’t know what to say with all this womanly stuff—I just don’t know. “Does she know about the hysterectomy?” I need a little more information. I don’t understand what’s so bad about the hysterectomy when Belle is alive and going to be okay.

  Mel chokes back her tears and looks at me. “Um, she hasn’t woken up yet.” A few more breaths. “They are bringing her to the ICU and the doctor said we can meet her there. She said that Belle should wake shortly.” More tears run down her cheeks.

  I see Mel cry, and I know there’s something I’m missing. I lean against the wall and clench my eyes shut. I understand this is hard, but damn the woman needs to spit the shit out already. I look to her and raise my eyebrows.

  Mel must have gotten my hint because she suddenly blurts out, “She wanted kids, Gabe. Even with all the walls she has built around herself, the one thing she wanted in her life, she can no longer have.”

  Well, fuck me. I feel like a complete dick now. I didn’t even think of that.

  Kids.

  Fuck.

  CHAPTER 7

  Belle

  I OPEN MY EYES SLOWLY and try to swallow and realize I have a tube in my mouth. There are lots of beeping sounds coming from a machine. I dart my eyes around the room to see what’s going on, to see if anyone’s there. I start to panic. Why am I intubated still? A tear streams down the side of my face. I feel someone squeeze my hand and then hear them call out to the nurses.

  It’s Mel’s voice. “She’s awake. Someone get the doctor.” Mel leans over to me so I can see her. She must see the panic in my eyes. “Shh, it’s okay. Try to breathe normally. When they get the tube out, the doctor will explain what is going on.” Mel continues to hold my hand tightly. I can see the pain in her eyes. Something’s wrong—very wrong. I hope the doctors get in here soon. They need to get this damn tube out and explain what the hell is going on.

  It feels like hours, but it’s really only minutes when the doctor comes in and removes the tube from my throat. Being extubated is a horrible feeling, but being able to breathe on your own and swallow is a very rewarding feeling to gain afterwards. Nurses flood the room and assessments are done. IV fluid bags are changed, pain meds are given. They do the normal post-op routine. When the doctor feels I’m stable enough, and with Mel by my side, she proceeds to explain my situation.

  “Belle, I’m Dr. Clark. I’m the doctor on rounds in the ICU right now, but I’m fully aware of your situation. I can explain everything to you if you let me.” The doctor stands patiently by my bedside and waits for my response.

  My situation…What situation? It was supposed to be a simple in and out procedure. Panic begins to seep through the cracks. If not for Mel holding my hand to reassure me, I may lose it.

  “Okay, please tell me.” I’m beyond scared to hear what the doctor has to say, but I need to know.

  Dr. Clark explains how the cancer was worse than expected and how it spread rapidly. It exceeded all margins and my oncologist had no other option but to give me a hysterectomy.

  “A hysterectomy? As in I can’t have children, that hysterectomy?” No. It can’t be true. The one thing in life I have always wanted, I can no longer have. How cruel can this world be? I burst out into tears.

  “I’m so very sorry, Belle,” the doctor states and leaves the room.

  Mel sits quietly and lets me cry. She understands what this means to me. I had a pretty good childhood considering the parents I had, but I was an only child. I had always wanted a brother or a sister, but my parents didn’t want any more kids, so I had always wanted a big family of my own. I want a little, blonde-haired, green-eyed girl or a little brown-haired, blue-eyed boy or two of my own running around a nice big yard with a big play structure and sandbox, a tire swing hanging from a big oak tree. The whole family would sit on the back deck, barbequing, laughing, enjoying life together. I can picture it all...but now that dream’s gone.

  This is the ultimate pain, to hear this news. I hurt with the pain from the operation and now with this news, I don’t know how long it will take for the pain to go away. As I’ve thought before, how cruel can this world be?

  I look around the room at the tubes that remain in my body. The IV, the catheter, the morphine pump and back to Mel.

  I ask just one question. I know she can’t answer it, but I still have to ask. “Why me?” Tears run down the side of my face and I lay there in silence.

  ***

  It’s been a week since my surgery and I finally get to go home. My incision is healing well on my abdomen and all the tubes are gone. I feel pretty good considering everything that’s happened—you know, dying on the table and all. The doctor said that I need to have two sessions of chemo treatment, but after that I should be in the clear. They just want the treatment done as a preventative measure.

  It’s time to leave the hospital and move on with my life.

  The hardest part to deal with now is the fact that I can’t have kids. That’ll be the hardest thing for me. Out of everything I have ever wanted—besides having a good man to love me for me—I’ve always wanted kids, but that is only one aspect of life, right? Well, at least that’s what I keep trying to tell myself so I don’t break down and cry yet again.

  I know chemo will kick my ass, but I’ll get through it. I’ll have Mel by my side, and with the two of us together, anything’s possible. Right?

  Gabe came to visit after I told Mel it was okay for him to do so. He didn’t overstep his welcome which I am glad for—not like I’d say if he did anyways. I wanted him there, needing him to help fill that void that now will forever haunt me. I know Gabe wanted to make sure I was okay and to show me he cared and it was sweet. When he showed up with flowers and a little teddy bear, I just about melted. The man sure knows how to fill a void.

  ***

  Today is Wednesday. I’m feeling a little more myself and think maybe I should get out of the apartment. I now have Gabe’s number, and since Mel’s at work, I think maybe I could invite him to go for coffee. Now that I’m feeling better, maybe —just maybe—I can let him in. I still need to do my chemo treatments, but if I can show Gabe that I want him around maybe he’ll be there for me, too. I need to be more comfortable around him and get to know him better so this will be a good start—I think. One day at a time. I need to stop hiding from life and start experiencing it. With Gabe I think I might be able to do just that, so I call him.

  He picks up on first ring. “Hello?”

  “Hi,” I say quietly. I still feel shy when I talk to him, but sure hope that ends soon. “This is Belle.
I was wondering if you wanted to go for coffee.” I did it! I asked! I made the move. I feel lighter for some reason.

  “Hey," he responds, “I’d love to, where do you want to meet?”

  “How about the diner we met at before?” I speak a little more confidently.

  “Sounds good. How’s twenty minutes sound?”

  I feel giddy inside. “See you then.” I go to my closet in search of something to wear that won’t inflict pain on my incision. I settle on a nice violet sundress and white strappy sandals. I put minimal makeup on and a clear lip gloss before I head out the door.

  I arrive at the diner a few minutes early, but Gabe’s already there. He sits and waits in a booth. I smile to myself and walk confidently towards him. Gabe looks up just as I approach. His eyes are bright and his smile wide.

  “Please sit,” he says, and authority laces his tone.

  My smile fades as I sit down. I look at him sheepishly and ask, “Why do you order me around?”

  Gabe seems taken aback by my question. “I don’t mean to order you around, per se. I’m sorry if that bothers you. I—uh…how do I explain this.” He pauses and scrunches his brow up as he contemplates something. “I like control.”

  “Control? As in you want to control me?” I ask him honestly and tip my head to the side a bit in curiosity.

  “Yes.” Gabe draws the word out. “But not in the way you think,” he adds.

  Okay, this is a little freaky. What does he mean, not the way I think? I don’t think I can let him have control over me. Not with my past. I don’t even think I have the strength to let that happen. Do I let him know about my past? Or do I cut and run now? Shit, and to think I just decided that I wanted to get to know him…to have him by my side. Oh, what do I do?

  “Okay, I think I need to get something on the table before we can go any further.” I bite my lip and try to breathe normally. I try not to show the fear I have inside of me at what I need to say.

  Gabe looks at me expectantly, so I figure I better get this out before I lose my nerve. “I was raped at university.” His eyes shoot open with what I assume is shock. Gabe looks like he wants to say something, but I stop him. “No, listen. I need to get this out before I can’t say it.” I watch Gabe’s face and wait to see that he understands.

  After he nods, I continue. “I was dating this guy for almost three months. I was a virgin and I had heard a lot of horror stories about losing one’s virginity. I know they’re just stories, but I was young and naive. Plus, I was holding off until I felt comfortable about it.” I take a slow, deep breath. “I thought that on that particular night I was ready and when we….” The tears start to slowly stream down my cheeks.

  “Stop,” Gabe whispers to me. He reaches over to me and tilts my chin up so our eyes meet.

  I sob. My body begins to tremble a little. It hurts to bring up the past so much. “No, I need to tell you.” I try to contain my tears and continue. “Well, he got mad when I stopped. He left the room and slammed the door. I went after him after a few minutes, but when I opened the door to the room, two of his frat brothers were standing there. They wouldn’t let me out of the room. When I backed up into the room, they came in. Then so did my boyfriend and shut the door behind him.” I compose myself and look down at the table for a minute. I take a few breaths. The memories become so fresh in my mind. I lose myself as I tell pieces of that night…

  Mike jumps onto the bed to pin me down. “I’ve waited and waited. Tried to be the good boyfriend and be patient. I tried to be nice. Well, I’m done being nice, Isabelle. I’m getting what you’ve held back, and I’m getting it now.”

  Mike straddles my body with his and he’s no lightweight. He proceeds to grab at my shirt and rip it off like it’s a piece of paper. He starts to bark orders at his friends. I swing my arms and try to hit at them, but one by one they grab my arms. I try to kick, but the weight of Mike on my pelvis is too much. I try anyways. Next thing I know, I’m tied to the bed.

  “Stop!” I scream over and over. I don’t know when it starts, but there’s loud music on in the room. It drowns me out. I doubt anyone can hear me.

  I feel wet lips on mine. They’re sloppy, forceful, overly eager and impatient to reach their goal. They travel down my chin to my throat and then to my breasts. I scream again. I can hear the other men laugh.

  I look around the room. In what seemed like no time at all, both of the other men have stripped. They’re naked and as they watch what happens they both stroke their penises as if what happens to me excites them.

  I feel Mike’s hand slide to my pants and then they’re undone. I whimper and start to chant, hoping Mike will hear me and stop. “No, please. No, don’t do this.”

  But he doesn’t stop. Mike’s mouth wanders farther down my torso. His hands grip my pants. He leans up long enough to pull them down and off.

  “Oh, mother fucker. I’ve waited for so long for this,” Mike moans and then leans back onto me.

  I can’t stop crying. I try to fight back, but my hands are tied so tight that it hurts every time I struggle to set them free.

  I try once more to get him to stop. “Please, Mike, stop,” I beg. He finally looks up at my tear-streaked face with hooded eyes and smiles.

  “Oh, poor Isabelle. So innocent and sweet, but not for long.” Mike’s smile widens and he glances to his friends. “Grab her legs.”

  Both men stop what they’re doing. When each of them grabs a leg, I scream. The next thing I feel is agony. Mike rams himself into me so hard that I see stars. It hurts so damn much I think I may seriously die. I pass out for a short while, but come to before it is over.

  The pain never goes away.

  All the while Mike grunts and groans while he slams into me harder. His friends jerk off on each side of me. I want to die. Just when I think it’s never going to end, it does. The men on each side of me ejaculate on me. Mike drains himself inside of me as I die inside.

  The memory fades. I look back up at a fairly angry man. I’m sure Gabe isn’t mad at me, but still, I need to finish. “To make this a bit quicker for you…Mike—that was my boyfriend then—he slapped me hard enough to knock me down onto the bed. His friends tied my hands to the bed and held my legs while Mike raped me.” I see Gabe clench his fists. He must think I don’t notice because he seems to be trying to hide them. This definitely isn’t the reaction I expected from him.

  “Where’s this Mike now?” Gabe spits between his teeth. He seems to seethe with anger.

  He’s really angry, but why I don’t know…I was the one raped.

  I get my emotions under control. I wipe the tears from my face and fight my body to relax. “Last known address is the state penn.” I shrug. I don’t know where else Gabe expects him to be. I have no other answer for him. That seems to calm Gabe a bit.

  I have more to say. I’m not sure where this will take us, but I have to get it out. “I understand that you like control, but I’m not sure that I’m a woman that you’ll be able to control. I had my control taken from me long ago and I’ve fought since to keep it.” I eye Gabe carefully for his reaction. I hope I’m not ruining something before it starts.

  Gabe gazes at me for a few minutes then reaches for my hand. I give it freely. He gently grazes his thumb over my knuckles in such a sweet gesture. “Well, for starters, thank you for telling me about your past.” Gabe pauses and bites his lower lip. “Secondly, I could never take your control from you. I want you to feel comfortable enough with me to either share or give freely the control that you hold to me. Not in your everyday life. It’d only be in special places.” Gabe watches me closely. “I like you, Belle. I want to know you, to be there for you. I want you to be able to come to me for anything. There’s something there, I know it. I just can’t describe this feeling, this pull I feel between us, but I do want to explore it. I hope you will be willing to let us do that.”

  Wow, did he just say all that to me? Control in special places? What the hell does that even mean? He st
ill wants to explore this…whatever it is with me? The giddy school girl comes to life inside again.

  I can feel my smile get bigger. My cheeks begin to flush. “I start chemo on Monday,” I blurt out. I have no idea why, but I do. Maybe it’s because I want him there now that he said he wants to try things with me.

  “Then I’ll be with you.” Gabe grins.

  CHAPTER 8

  Belle

  THE FOLLOWING NIGHT I go to Gabe’s place. He invited me over because he said he wants to cook for me. Gabe wants to dazzle me with his “skills,” which makes me laugh because he literally said that. It intrigues me. I want to see these skills.

  I arrive at six in the evening as requested. I dress for comfort—to avoid discomfort to my abdomen— wearing a simple sundress in light green to brighten my eyes and white slip-on flats. It’s nothing overly exciting—just plain clothing for simple me.

  Gabe meets me at the door and looks handsome as ever. Sporting a pair of loose fitting blue jeans, a tight fitting black t-shirt and is barefoot. Gabe looks good enough to eat…Maybe I’ll eat him for dessert. Down girl, down!

  “Perfect timing! I just put dinner on the table.” Gabe smiles broadly at me. I notice a dimple on his left cheek. Damn, it’s so cute.

  Gabe escorts me up the stairs and into the dining area. He pulls a chair out for me and I sit down. “Thank you,” I say with my own broad grin.

  I look at the food spread about the table and am in shock to see to the extent he’s gone to in showing me his “skills.” “Wow, this looks delicious,” I tell him.

  Gabe sits in the chair across from me and looks up to meet my gaze. “So do you.” He smirks.

  That dimple shows again. How is it that I never noticed that before?

  I feel the heat on my cheeks. I’m so blushing. Why do I feel like a teenager around this man? He seems to be able to pull something from deep inside of me out, something that hasn’t been able to escape in so long. I feel young and free. I haven’t felt that in so many years.