How To Throw Your Life Away

by Laurie Ellingham

  ‘Of course,’ Katy nodded. ‘Leave it with me.’ A couple of police cautions? Did she really want someone like Damien helping her at the weekends? Could he be trusted with the cash from the till?

  She glanced at him as they walked outside and tried to look past the black t-shirt and the three piercings in his ear. He didn’t seem so much like the obnoxious teenager she’d met at their first class. He was just a kid.

  ‘There’s my mum, I’d better go,’ Damien said, running off towards a deep red 4x4.

  He was just a kid, Katy thought again before glancing around and realising that she was the only one left outside the hall.

  Tom would be out any second, and now it looked like she was waiting for him. Maybe she should wait? Katy wondered, loathing her own indecision, and the way it made her almost dance on the spot as she tried to decide whether to start walking away or stay.

  Just then, the door from the hall swung open and Tom, along with his bike, appeared.

  ‘Night,’ he said.

  Katy spun around to smile at him, but he’d already pushed off from the pavement and was now speeding down the hill.

  She stared after him for a moment as fat wet tears filled her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks.

  Why was she even crying? she wondered, putting her head in her hands. She’d asked him not to single her out in class or keep her behind, and he hadn’t. She’d asked him to leave her alone, and he’d done exactly that.

  So why was she now stood outside on the pavement crying like a heartbroken teenager?

  ‘Bastard,’ she uttered to herself, using the sleeve of her cardigan to dry her face.

  ‘Pardon?’ a man said.

  ‘Oh,’ Katy looked up to find the caretaker of the hall standing only a metre away from her. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean you.’

  ‘Glad to hear it,’ he chuckled. ‘Are you alright?’

  ‘Yes, sorry I’m fine.’

  Katy stepped quickly in the direction of her house and breathed in the fresh cool air of the evening.

  She missed Claire. Everything seemed so muddled without her friend’s unwavering voice of reason.

  CHAPTER 25

  The tears had stopped halfway between the town centre and her house, leaving Katy with a residue of pity for herself.

  As she strode towards her front door she saw a flicker of movement and the outline of a figure sat on her door step. Tom, she thought, unable to stop a smile touching her face.

  It was another few steps before she realised her mistake.

  ‘Adam. What are you doing here?’ she asked as she reached the wall of her front garden.

  ‘Waiting for you,’ he said, standing up and brushing his hands against the trouser legs of his suit. ‘I thought about letting myself in.’ He held up his keys. ‘But it didn’t seem right somehow.’

  ‘You look...different.’ Katy took another step towards her front door, and Adam. The dark smudges remained under his eyes, but he’d shaved and his hair was shorter.

  ‘It’s my hair, I had it cut yesterday.’

  ‘And you’re wearing a suit. You look just like you did the night we first met,’ Katy said.

  ‘It has been a while. I’m surprised it still fits,’ he smiled. ‘Can I come in for a minute?’

  Katy stood for a moment unsure how to respond.

  ’Come on Katy, it’s me.’

  ‘Sorry. Of course, come in.’

  She stepped up to the door and pushed her key into the lock.

  ‘How have you been?’ he asked, following her into the kitchen.

  ‘Okay thanks. The house is sold.’

  ‘I figured as much by the Sold sign.’

  ‘What about you?’

  ‘Well, I won’t lie. It has been a rocky few weeks, which is why I’m here, actually.’

  ‘Right,’ Katy nodded, struggling to comprehend Adam being in her kitchen, and what on earth he could want from her. After the last time they’d spoken she hadn’t expected to see him again.

  ‘Can you sit down?’ he asked.

  ‘Um...sure,’ she replied, dropping her bag on the side and sliding into one of the chairs.

  ‘Thanks.’

  Adam pulled a chair out from the opposite side of the table, dragging it closer so that he sat almost next to her. He reached into the carrier bag he’d carried in.

  ‘I figured if I invited you to meet me at the OXO tower you’d say no, so I‘ve tried to bring the OXO tower to you.’ As he spoke, Adam pulled out two plastic martini glasses, along with numerous bottles of brightly coloured liquid.

  ‘I’ve made up the cocktails we drank on our first date,’ he said, smiling at Katy. ‘You started with a cosmopolitan and I started with a martini, although I really wanted a Pina Colada, but I didn’t think it was manly enough.’

  ‘I didn’t know that,’ she said, feeling herself relax. Despite everything that had happened between them, this was still Adam. Her Adam who she’d shared the last five years of her life with.

  He poured a red liquid into a glass and slid it towards Katy, before pouring another bottle with clear liquid into his own glass.

  ‘Cheers,’ he said.

  Katy picked up the glass in her hand and moved it towards her mouth. The sweet sticky smell of oranges and cranberry hit her senses, causing a fresh wave of nausea to hit her stomach.

  Katy swallowed hard and slid the glass back onto the table.

  ‘Adam, what are you doing here?’ she fought the urge to stand up and put the kettle on for a cup of tea.

  ‘That is a good question. A very good question.’ Adam took a long sip from his glass, draining the liquid. ‘I had it all worked out in my head, but now I’m here, I don’t know where to start...’

  ‘Maybe just-’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Adam blurted. ‘Really sorry. The last three weeks have been complete hell, but it has made me realise how much I love you, and how worthless my life is without you.’

  ‘Adam wait.’

  ‘No. Let me get this out, please.’

  Katy stopped her protest. She had no idea what Adam was doing in her house, or why he’d brought along a concoction of cocktails from their first date, but she could tell by the determination on his face that he wouldn’t be leaving until he’d said whatever it was he wanted to say.

  ‘I’ve messed everything up,’ he said, ‘I can see that now. I let everything slip away. Work, my friends, you. The less I did, the less I wanted to do. It’s like I just stopped trying to live. I think some people are better working in a company than trying to work for themselves, and I’m one of those people. In fact I had a job interview today for an in-house graphic design position in west London, and I have another two interviews lined up for later in the week.’

  ‘That’s great, I’m pleased for you.’

  ‘So...’ Adam shifted in his seat, pulling something out of his pocket. ‘Katy Marie Davenport, I am on both my knees,’ he added, sliding onto the floor in front of her.

  The world around Katy slowed down, as if she’d pressed the wrong button on the DVD remote and was watching the scene around her unfold in excruciating slow motion.

  Adam looked up into her eyes. ‘And I am begging you to make me the happiest man alive and agree to be my wife.’

  Her mouth dropped open as Adam opened his hands to reveal a small red velvet box. He pulled it open and removed a thin gold band complete with a circular diamond.

  ‘This was my Gran’s engagement ring,’ he said, taking Katy’s hand.

  ‘Adam are you crazy? I...I can’t-’

  ‘Don’t say no,’ Adam pleaded, cutting her off. ‘Not yet. Just hear me out. We were good together. Really good together. I know I messed it up, but I also know we can get back to when we were happy.’

  ‘Can we? How do you know that? How do you know that in a week, a month, a year you won’t be back watching sports all day, leaving me to do everything. How do you know I won’t flip out and whack you over the head again?’ Katy could hear the ange
r and hurt creep into her voice just thinking about such a scenario.

  ‘I just do. I know with all of my heart that we can go back to the way it used to be. I keep thinking about the time we drove up to Norfolk and hired that boat for the day, and I got bitten by a swan and we spent most of the night in A and E,’ he laughed. ‘I want to do stuff like that again, although maybe not the swan part. If you give me a chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you.’

  Katy stared at Adam’s face and then dropped her eyes to the ring in his hand.

  ‘I...I...,’ Words refused to come out of her mouth. Not that she had the first clue what she would say even if the power of speech did return.

  ‘I know you’ve been seeing someone else-’

  ‘You do?’ Katy’s eyes widened. ‘How do you know?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. Honestly, I don’t. All I care about is moving forward together. The past can stay in the past, as far as I’m concerned.’

  Adam knew about Tom. Her Tom. How much did he know?

  Katy stared into Adam’s pleading eyes. ‘Have you been coming into the house whilst I’ve been out?’ she frowned, thinking back to the lingering smell of take-away chips.

  ‘No,’ Adam spluttered. ‘Of course not.’

  ‘Where have you been staying then? I haven’t seen or heard from you for weeks and suddenly you appear on my doorstep and propose.’

  Adam pushed himself up from the floor and sat back on the chair. ‘I’ve been staying with my mum.’

  ‘Oh. What about before you left when you disappeared for days at a time? and what happened to your phone?’

  ‘What difference does it make? I’m talking about the rest of our lives, Katy. You and me. I want to spend my life with you. I want to have children with you. I keep thinking about taking them to the park on Sundays together. Look, I even got this,’ Adam said, pulling something else out of the bag.

  Katy continued to stare open mouthed at the green plastic box and the miniature gardening tools.

  ‘It’s a children’s gardening set,’ Adam said, as if the box needed any extra explanation.

  ‘I can see that.’ Her voice cracked with emotion. Tears pricked at the edges of Katy’s eyes. The years of disappointment she’d felt waiting for Adam to say exactly what he’d just said reared through her until it felt like someone was holding her so tight that it hurt.

  ‘Are they happy tears?’ Adam asked with a sheepish smile, dropping back to his knees.

  She shook her head from side to side and closed her eyes.

  ‘Katy?’ he said, taking her hands in his. ‘Baby?’

  He lifted her left hand and felt the cold metal of the ring slide onto her finger.

  ‘It fits,’ he whispered. ‘Baby?’

  Katy swallowed hard and opened her eyes.

  She stared down at the gold diamond ring sparkling on her finger.

  Adam sat up higher on his knees and kissed her lips. ‘We still love each other Katy. That’s what counts.’

  ‘Adam...I’m not-’

  His lips touching hers again cut off her protest. She felt his tongue inside her mouth and let her lips part a little more with the familiarity of his kiss.

  She’d spent so many years imagining Adam dropping onto one knee and popping the question on Christmas morning, or on a bridge somewhere, in a restaurant, at sunset on holiday (when they used to go on holidays that was). Years of her life fixated on their wedding and starting a family, and now here it was for her to have.

  Did it matter that she felt none of the crushing desire or stomach flips that she’d felt when Tom’s lips touched her skin? Familiarity wasn’t bad, was it? Katy wondered as she began to return Adam's kiss.

  CHAPTER 26

  ‘Let’s call Claire,’ Adam said, pulling Katy to her feet.

  ‘She’s on holiday,’ Katy said with a feeling of relief that she didn’t want to think about.

  ‘What about your parents? Are they back yet?’

  ‘Well seeing as they went on a twelve month around the world trip six months ago, no,’ Katy smiled and shook her head. ‘What about your mum?’

  ‘Er....,’ Adam paused and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Let’s leave my mum for tomorrow. She’s normally in bed by now.’ Adam reached for his glass. ‘Do you want to try another cocktail? I’ve made daiquiris and mojitos too.’

  An image of Tom mixing drinks at his party sprung into her head. Leaning against the counter sipping the cold delicious liquid, and laughing despite herself at his joking attempts to convince her that he was a decent human being.

  ‘Which one?’ Adam prompted, cutting into Katy’s thoughts.

  ‘You have them,’ she said, before stepping over to the counter. ‘I’m going to stick the kettle on. I’m still recovering from a weekend of running Green Tips by myself. I got the loan by the way. Can you believe I’m going to buy a garden centre?’

  She flicked the switch on the kettle and turned back to Adam.

  ‘Did you hear what I said?’

  Adam’s eyes moved from the bottles on the table to Katy. ‘Sorry yes. I was just thinking that it will be difficult for us if I get this job in west London. I recon it’s at least two hours from here to the office. Plus you’ll be working every weekend. We’ll never see each other.’

  ‘Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that.’

  ‘Do you have to work weekends?’

  ‘It’s our busiest time. I have to be there.’ Katy watched disappointment cross Adam’s face. ‘At first at least. Maybe in a few years, when I’ve got the hang of things, I can get a weekend manager.’

  ‘A few years? But what about us?’ Adam said in a tone that reminded Katy of five-year old Archie when he wanted a pack of sweets.

  ‘I don’t have the answers,’ Katy sighed, rubbing her thumb over the diamond on her finger. ‘Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.’

  Adam leapt from his chair, startling her with his swift movement. ‘Don’t say that,’ he said. ‘Please don’t say that.’

  Adam wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled his head against her shoulder. ‘You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t be without you, Katy.’

  ‘We’ll work it out,’ she said, stepping out of Adam’s embrace and cradling her mug of tea instead.

  Who was she trying to convince? Katy wondered. Herself or Adam?

  ‘Sorry, you’re right,’ Adam smiled as he picked up another drink. ‘Let’s not talk about it tonight. We’ve got the rest of our lives together,’ he said again. ‘That’s what matters.’

  Katy leant against the counter and closed her eyes as Adam’s words sunk in. She didn’t want to think about the rest of their lives. She didn’t want to think about the rest of the evening for that matter.

  She couldn’t remember ever feeling as tired as she did at that moment. A dizzying exhaustion clouded her head. There had been nights when she’d crawled into bed after a night out so late that the sun had been rising. She’d felt tired the next day, but so exhausted that even her bones ached? No. And she’d thought turning thirty had been a wake-up call, but maybe turning thirty-three was the real party stopper.

  ‘Katy?’

  ‘Um?’

  ‘I thought you’d fallen asleep on your feet,’ he laughed.

  ‘Not quiet,’ she said, forcing herself to smile. ‘Do you mind if I go to bed?’

  ‘As long as I can join you,’ Adam grinned.

  Katy’s eyes widened. She took a long gulp of tea, hoping to mask the look of dread, which she was pretty sure had just crossed her face. Of course Adam wanted to join her. They’d just got engaged. Of course he wanted to spend time with her, sleep next to her, touch her.

  A sudden pang of guilt stabbed at Katy’s chest as another image of Tom flashed in her head. She pushed it away, but not before realising that in all the times she’d spent with Tom, she hadn’t once felt guilty. She hadn’t once felt like she’d been cheating on Adam.

  The
tiredness, Katy decided, was messing with her head.

  ‘Katy?’

  ‘Sorry, of course.’

  ‘Great. You head up whilst I pack these away and tidy up,’ he said.

  Katy slid her cup onto the side and walked up the stairs.

  Without a seconds thought she threw the same old pyjama’s on that she always wore and slid under the covers. She closed her eyes and felt the depths of sleep drag her away.

  ***

  Katy woke with a start.

  Confusion lay like a fog across her mind. She felt drunk on sleep and exhaustion.

  Her eyes flicked towards Adam’s sleeping form. They’d shared a bed for five years and yet it had taken her less than a few weeks to forget about the way his breath caught in the back of his throat every time he took a breath in, making a small snuffling sound with each breath.

  Why had that sound never bothered her before? She dropped her hand to the table next to her bed and felt around in the dark until her fingers touched the familiar shape of her mobile. She pulled it towards her and brushed her finger across the screen, illuminating the bedroom in a soft white glow.

  2am. The dead zone of time. It was both too late and too early to get up. She sighed again and resigned herself to another night of insomnia. Another night of waiting for the first beams of sunlight to creep in so that she could get up and start the day.

  Katy stared at the empty message display and felt a niggle of disappointment. Who had she expected to text her, anyway? Claire was on holiday. It was over with Tom, and Adam, her fiancé, was sleeping next to her.

  Katy ran her thumb over the diamond on her finger, shifting it back into place. At some point in the night it had twisted round until it dug painfully into the side of her middle finger.

  She had a fiancé. She was engaged. She was getting married. Adam had proposed, and not only that, but he’d spoken about having children together. It was everything she’d wanted. Did it matter that she hadn’t actually said ‘yes’? Did it matter that she didn’t feel excited, or elated or even happy?

  She had to try harder. This was what she’d wanted for so long.

  CHAPTER 27

  Tuesday