How To Throw Your Life Away

by Laurie Ellingham

  An image of Melissa sprung into Katy’s head. Even with her hands shaking, and shock gripping her body, she knew she wouldn’t be calling the number.

  CHAPTER 30

  As the door to garden centre closed silence grew between them.

  ‘What you did back there was amazing,’ Katy said, drawing in a long breath.

  ‘Thanks,’ Tom replied.

  ‘Seriously. The way you spoke to Jonny. It was brilliant. You’re a fantastic counsellor. You saved me today.’

  ‘It was nothing.’ Tom shrugged as he moved towards the exit.

  ‘It was definitely not nothing. I can’t begin think about what would’ve happened if you hadn’t showed up when you did, but you did, so thank you,’ she said, falling into step beside him. ‘Sergeant Mackenzie was the police officer who sent me to anger management,’ Katy said, the words tumbling out of her mouth.

  ‘Oh,’ Tom said as he pushed his way through the doors.

  ‘That’s why I pulled my hand away. Not because...’ Katy let the words trail off as she followed Tom into the car park and the bright morning light. She didn’t know how to finish the sentence anyway. She was engaged. Engaged and standing in the middle of a car park trying to explain to a man who was not a fiancé that she did want to hold his hand. She wanted it very much.

  ‘Are you going home now? I can’t remember why you came here in the first place, now I think about it. Did you want to buy something? I must unlock the front doors.’

  ‘Katy?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Are you alright? You’re talking really fast.’

  ‘Me? I’m fine. I need to get these deliveries unloaded before Mary comes back. I just want things back to normal. It will be bad enough when I have to tell her that I had her son arrested,’ she replied, brushing off Tom’s concerns and setting her sights on one of the crates.

  Katy pulled out the cutting knife from her apron and ignored the shake in her hand. She sliced through the plastic strips and bent down to unload the first box of heather. A sudden pressure pushed down from the top of her head, all the way through to her throat and the burning nausea lingering there.

  ‘Here let me get that,’ Tom said, jumping towards Katy.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she heard herself say as the pressure exploded into blackness, plunging her into its depths as she felt her body fall.

  ‘Katy? Can you hear me? Katy?’

  ‘Yes,’ she mumbled opening her eyes. ‘What happened?’

  ‘You fainted.’

  ‘Did I? I’ve never fainted before.’ Even through the fog in her head Katy knew she sounded stupid. ‘How long was I out?’

  ‘About five seconds,’ Tom replied, stroking a stray lock of hair away from her face.

  ‘It felt like longer,’ she said, gazing into Tom’s eyes and realising that she’d somehow fallen into his arms, and that they were now both sitting on the floor with her head in his lap and his arms wrapped around her. She closed her eyes for a moment and breathed in the scent of his aftershave.

  ‘I think I’d better call an ambulance.’

  ‘Don’t do that,’ Katy opened her eyes and fought off the urge to be sick. She pulled her body up to sitting. ‘I’ve lost so much time today already, and there is still so much to do.

  ‘It was just the shock of what happened catching up with me on an empty stomach.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  Katy felt her eyes drawn to Tom’s lips as he spoke. She wanted to kiss his lips. She wanted to forget the arguments they’d had, the mix ups, and the tiny fact that she was now engaged to another man, and allow herself to be swept away by Tom’s kisses.

  ‘Katy?’

  ‘I’m completely fine,’ she nodded. The movement felt like she was banging her forehead against a brick wall.

  Tom didn’t say anything but she could feel his eyes assessing her. She forced a smile.

  ‘One condition,’ he said.

  ‘Name it.’

  ‘You sit on a chair in the shade over there,’ he said pointing to a space by the main building a few metres away. ‘You eat all of the energy bars in my bike bag, as well as the sandwich you mentioned to Jonny, and you don’t move, other than to point to where you want me to put all of this stuff. After which time if you feel even the slightest bit faint we go to the doctor, or go to hospital.’

  ‘I can’t let you do that.’

  ‘It’s that or I call an ambulance right now.’

  Katy paused and stared up into the crystal clear blue of Tom’s eyes. ‘No, don't do call anyone. Let's just stay like this for a little while.’

  They sat in silence for a moment. It was not the awkward silence they’d shared earlier, but something else.

  ‘I came here to see you,’ Tom said in a quiet voice.

  Katy didn’t respond. Her heartbeat had started to quicken causing a fresh wave of dizziness to take over her thoughts.

  ‘You asked me before you fainted why I’d come, and the answer is that I wanted to see you. I know you told me to leave you alone and I did try in class on Monday, but I’ve spent all week thinking about you and replaying everything in my head, and I came here to tell you that leaving you alone was a stupid idea.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘So, I’m sorry but I just can’t do it.’

  Katy brushed her fingers along the prickly sprinkling of stubble on his face. It was a shade lighter than the dark rust colour of his hair.

  ‘Don’t be,’ she said.

  Tom leaned his head towards Katy; his eyes searching hers as if looking for permission. He didn’t need it, she thought, closing her eyes and moving her head towards him.

  The sudden loud noise of a car horn beeping shattered their moment. They pulled away and sat up to see a red taxi pull into the car park, and Mary’s smiling face in the back seat.

  CHAPTER 31

  ‘Hello my dear,’ Mary called as she half stepped, half sprung, from the taxi. ‘I can’t tell you how good it feels to be back.’ Her eyes scanned the crates of deliveries. ‘Is that red heather? Tell me everything I’ve missed.’

  ‘Yes, and yellow and lilac heather too,’ Katy replied as she attempted to get to her feet and in the end let Tom pull her up. ‘I thought we could make some border displays. Sorry, I should’ve asked. I had a mad moment when I did the orders.’

  ‘Don’t be sorry, Katy, they look fabulous. What a great idea. It’s taken me a week of doing nothing on my first holiday in who knows how many years to realise that I am an old woman stuck in my ways.’

  ‘What else has happened? Did the price cut on the secateurs make a difference?’

  ‘Not at first, but I moved a stack to the counter and they seemed to go quite quickly.’

  ‘Clever girl,’ Mary smiled.

  Katy took a deep breath in. ‘Mary, I need to tell you something that happened this morning.’

  Tom touched her arm and spoke, ‘Perhaps we should go in and sit down? Katy, you are looking very grey.’

  Mary’s eyes fell to Tom as if noticing him for the first time.

  ‘Sorry, this is Tom, he’s my...’ Katy felt at a loss for words to describe what Tom was to her. What was he? What were they? She could sense the bemused smile of Tom next to her and the questioning gaze of Mary boring into her.

  ‘He’s my...,’ she tried again.

  ‘I’m her anger management counsellor,’ Tom finished, reaching forward to shake Mary’s hand. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you.’

  ‘Anger management counsellor? Katy? Well I’d never have guessed,’ Mary said, nodding at Tom.

  ‘Only one more class to go,’ Katy chipped in as she tried and failed to laugh off the embarrassment. ‘Tom helped me get a business plan together for the loan too.’

  ‘I came to visit Katy this morning,’ Tom said, ‘and unfortunately stumbled into a bit of a situation, but like I said, perhaps it would be better if we all went and sat down.

  Mary’s eyes scanned Tom’s face and then Katy’s. ‘It was Jon
ny wasn’t it?’ she said as the smile dropped from her face.

  Katy nodded, unable to speak as tears rolled down her cheeks.

  ‘I walked in to find Jonny threatening Katy with a screwdriver,’ Tom said.

  Katy stared open mouthed at Tom. He was saving her yet again. She’d been dreading telling Mary, and now he’d done it for her.

  ‘Katy, I’m so sorry,’ Mary said with a sob, throwing her hands to her mouth.

  ‘Why are you sorry?’ Katy croaked. ‘I’m the one that’s sorry. The police came and arrested him,’ she added waiting for Mary to cry, to shout, to turn her back on Katy. ‘He’s being charged with armed robbery.’

  ‘Julie warned me this would happen,’ Mary said, dropping her hands to her side and regaining her composure.

  ‘I’m just so sorry it had to happen to you. No doubt if I’d have been here this morning, I would have given him what he wanted and sent him on his way until the next time. I’m not sure I’d ever have been strong enough to say no, or to call the police, even though I know he has to be held accountable, and Lord knows he has to stop.’

  ‘Are you hurt?’ Mary stepped closer to Katy and pulled her into a tight hug.

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘No she’s not,’ Tom said. ‘She fainted just before you arrived and has now promised me she will sit and eat something whilst I pack these deliveries away. Katy was worried you’d be upset if you arrived back to find them still out.’

  ‘Oh my, you poor girl.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Katy said again making a face at Tom.

  He smiled back.

  ‘Right-ho. Well you sit there and do as you’re told by your anger management counsellor,’ Mary said with a wink. ‘I’ll put the kettle on and be right out to lend a hand. And then I think Katy you need to take the rest of the day off.’

  ‘And Katy?

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m so sorry about what happened with my Jonny. I knew I shouldn’t have stayed away so long. I got so caught up looking at retirement flats on the seafront just down the road from Julie and Freddie, and I’m just so sorry I didn’t come back sooner.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Mary.’

  ‘Some days I might agree with you, and others I think you may be wrong there. I’m his mother, I raised him. I don’t know when or how it happened, but somewhere along the way I failed him. Maybe Arthur and I gave him too much freedom when he was too young to have it. I guess it’s something I’ll never understand, but it doesn’t stop me from apologising to you.’

  ‘I’m fine, really,’ Katy smiled. ‘The front doors are still locked. I need to unlock them and then-’

  ‘Do as you’re told, Katy, and sit down. I’ll unlock the doors.’

  ***

  ‘Are you sure you’re okay to drive?’ Tom asked two hours later as they stepped into the early afternoon sunshine.

  ‘For the hundredth time - yes,’ Katy laughed. ‘You are starting to sound worse than my mother. I’m fine. The energy bars, the three cups of tea and the sandwich have done the trick. I feel fine,’ she said, feeling more like herself than she’d done for the past few weeks.

  ‘Thank you again for what you did today. With Jonny and then helping me here.’

  ‘It wouldn’t have taken so long if I’d have known what half the plants were called. Telling me to put the buxton balls next to the brown cosmos is not very helpful when I have no idea what either look like.’

  Katy laughed. ‘Buxus balls,’ she corrected. ‘You were brilliant, thank you.’

  ‘And you are going straight home to bed?’

  ‘Yes,’ she nodded, resisting the urge to invite him to join her. She was engaged, she reminded herself. Although in that moment she could no longer ignore the doubt pestering her day and night, and the feeling that she may have made another gigantic error in judgment.

  ‘Maybe we could go for a drink on Monday after class?’ Tom suggested.

  Katy nodded. I’d like that.’

  ‘Bye then,’ he said.

  ‘Bye.’

  They stood staring at each other for a moment. Would he try to kiss her again? Should she kiss him? There was no protocol for this level of complication, Katy thought.

  ‘Bye,’ he said again before turning back to the building to retrieve his bike.

  Katy shook off the disappointment and climbed into her car.

  She was engaged, Katy reminded herself again as she watched Tom’s muscular frame stride across car park. Would she have said yes to Adam if she hadn’t fallen out with Tom? Had Adam just caught her in a moment of weakness? Did she love Adam? Did she want to marry him? What was going on with Tom?

  Katy had no idea how to begin wading through the answers to the questions running through her head, but she had an idea who might be able to help.

  CHAPTER 32

  ‘So let me get this straight,’ Claire said as she topped up her wine glass. ‘I go away on holiday for one week and in that time you get the loan to buy Green Tips, find out Tom is married and has a daughter. You fight with him and get engaged to Adam. Tom rescues you from an armed robbery and you faint in his arms? Is that everything?’

  ‘In a nutshell, yes,’ Katy said, dropping her head into her hands.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ Claire said, gulping down a mouthful of white wine. ‘I don’t know where to start. I don’t think I’ve had half as much happen to me in the past two years as you’ve had in the past two weeks.

  ‘I can’t believe Tom is married for one thing. He just doesn’t seem like the type. Not that there is a type I guess.

  ‘And you saw his wife?’ she asked.

  Katy nodded.

  ‘What did she look like?’

  ‘Blonde hair. Pretty.’

  ‘What a bastard. No doubt I’ll be bumping into her all of the time. I just can’t believe it. Where have they been? I mean, I’m not saying that I’m a nosy neighbour or anything-’

  ‘You nosy? Never,’ Katy grinned with a feeling of completeness that only her best friend, who knew her inside and out could give her.

  ‘Exactly. But the only person I saw coming and going, apart from Tom, was you.’

  ‘Well, they’re separated,’ Katy said.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘They have been for a few years. His wife and step-daughter still live in South London.’

  ‘So not married then, really?’ Claire remarked, raising her eyebrows at Katy.

  ‘But he didn’t tell me.’

  ‘True, but you didn’t tell him that Adam was still living in your house up until the week you got together.’

  ‘That’s different.’

  ‘Really, how?’

  ‘We weren’t married.’

  ‘Katy,’ Claire’s forehead furrowed.

  ‘I know, but we had a fight and...’

  ‘People fight all of the time. It doesn’t mean they break up and turn around and get engaged to someone else. You and Adam must have fought tonnes of times over the years.’

  Katy thought for a moment. ‘Not really. We bickered a bit about stupid stuff like who’s turn it was to wash up, but I never saw the point of arguing.’

  ‘And you wonder why you ended up in anger management,’ Claire laughed, shaking her head at Katy.

  ‘I know it feels unfinished with Tom but I’m engaged to Adam. It’s what I wanted.’

  ‘Come on then, let’s see the ring.’ Claire said, reaching across the kitchen table to touch her friend’s hand.

  ‘Oh crap,’ Katy said, her eyes widening as she stared at her bare ring finger. ‘I cut my finger on the diamond this morning. I put the ring in my apron whilst I went to get a plaster, but then the whole Jonny thing happened and I completely forgot.’

  ‘You put your engagement ring, the most prized possession most women will ever get, in the pocket of your work apron? Doesn’t sound like the kind of thing a newly engagement person would do.’

  ‘I...I just got focused on what I was doing, I didn’t think. It doe
sn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean this isn’t the right thing. It’s all I’ve wanted for so long.’ Katy sighed.

  ‘No it isn’t,’ Claire argued.

  ‘Yes it is. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be married and start a family and...and...’

  ‘And be happy,’ Claire finished the sentence for her. ‘And I know you, Katy. Better than anyone else in the world, and the one thing you are not right now is happy.’

  Katy stared at her friend as her vision swam with tears. ‘It’s just such a mess.’

  ‘Oh don’t cry,’ Claire leapt from her chair and wrapped an arm around Katy’s shoulder. ‘You never cry.’

  Katy laughed and touched her fingers to her eyes, wiping away the tears before they fell down her cheeks. ‘I seem to be making a habit of it.’

  ‘Eat some of my cheese and bacon puffs,’ Claire said, pushing the plate of savoury pastries towards her friend. ‘They make everything better.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Katy laughed again as she tore off a small bite of flaky pastry and forced it into her mouth.

  Katy could feel Claire’s eyes on her as she dry chewed her mouthful and swallowed.

  ‘Since when do you pick at food? At my food?’ Claire’s eyes narrowed on Katy.

  ‘Sorry, it’s delicious, it’s just on top of everything else this week I’ve had stomach flu and have completely lost my appetite.’

  ‘Umpf.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Crying a lot and stomach flu.’ Claire raised her eyebrows.

  ‘And?’

  Claire rolled her eyes. ‘I can’t believe I am about to ask you this.’

  ‘What?’ Katy exclaimed.

  ‘When was your last period?’

  ‘Oh. No it’s not that.’ Katy shook her head from side to side.

  ‘When was your last period?’ Claire asked again in a tone Katy had only ever heard her use on Archie and Ruby when she wanted them confess to which one of them had scribbled on the wall.

  ‘I don’t know. You know me, I’ve always been wayward with my cycles. It doesn’t mean anything.’

  ‘But you’re still on the pill right?’

  Katy scrunched up her nose and shook her head.