Necessary Heartbreak

by Michael J. Sullivan

  “We’re going for a drive,”Vicki said.

  Michael looked up at her, concerned.

  “Don’t worry,”she said, standing up. “Hey, I’ll get you some ice cream if we find a store that’s open.”

  She leaned over and kissed him on his cheek. Her hair fell in front of her face and she brushed it back behind her ear.

  “Don’t worry. I know everything will be fine. You make me believe that.”

  Putting on her heavy wool coat and Black Watch plaid scarf, Vicki said to Samantha, “Let’s use your car. You drive. I’ll talk.”

  The rain started to fall harder, pounding the ground. Michael wandered aimlessly, lost in thought.

  What have I done? What have I done?

  He looked up, letting the rain pelt his face. It felt good. Immediately, Michael put his head down again.

  He staggered into a vacant marketplace, seeking shelter from the storm. He flopped down against a wall, letting the rough surface scrape his back. He noticed that his right sandal had torn nearly in two, but he no longer cared.

  “My Lord, I’m so sorry,”he repeated over and over.

  His shoulders heaved deeply as he shook his head from side to side. “No, no. I can’t believe it. What have I done? Lord, what have I done to you?”

  Michael stood up. He slammed his fist into the unrelenting wall. He took off his torn sandal and hurled it across the street.

  “Why does it always have to be me? Why did I have to carry that cross?”

  He swung his bare foot against the wall but he barely felt the pain. “What have you ever done for me?”he shouted, looking up. “I’ve got no wife. Do you know that? Do you?”

  Michael raced across the street and picked up his sandal. He threw it hard against the roof that covered the marketplace. “Your son died, my wife died. I guess we’re even now, huh? Is that what you wanted? Is that what you wanted? Did you? Answer me!”

  His screams echoed through the deserted streets.

  “Why can’t you answer me, Lord?”he wailed, dropping to his knees in the mud. “Look at me. Look at me! I’m pathetic. You’ve humbled me. Is that what you wanted?”

  Bracing himself on his elbows in the middle of the street, his legs sprawled out to the side, Michael sobbed uncontrollably. He didn’t care about the soldiers, his bruises, or his pain. All he knew was that he was alone, and Vicki was never coming back.

  Michael stumbled to his feet and staggered over to his torn sandal. As he picked it up, he uttered the only words he had left.

  “How can my daughter lift my burden, Lord? Please tell me. Why can’t you lift it?”

  The doorbell rang. Peering through the peephole, Michael saw the police officer looking down at his feet. When Michael opened the door, he heard him say, “Evening, sir. I’m Officer Stanton. Is it all right if I come in for a moment?”

  Michael’s stomach tightened. “Sure,”he replied, turning and yelling down the hallway, “Ken! Come in here!”

  “I’m looking for Kenneth Fontana.”

  “That’s me!”called Ken, who raced in from the kitchen.

  “I’m afraid there’s been an accident.”Turning to Michael, the policeman asked, “Are you Michael Stewart?”

  Michael felt his stomach drop. “Yes.”

  “Your sister said you would be here.”

  “Is Samantha all right?”Ken asked, moving closer to the officer.

  “Yes. She’ll be fine.”

  “Thank God!”

  “What about Vicki?”Michael asked. “What happened?”

  Placing his hand on Michael’s shoulder, the officer said, “You need to come with me to the hospital.”

  Michael pushed the officer’s hand away. “What happened? Is she okay? Is she hurt? Tell me. Please, tell me!”

  “We need to go now, Mr. Stewart.”

  Ken felt Michael look at him and nodded. “I’ll be right behind you, Mike. Let me run the boys over to the Henrys’.”

  Michael stayed silent on the ride to the hospital, holding the door handle tightly. The officer had nothing more to say, leaving Michael to his terrible thoughts.

  I don’t want to be alone. Oh, Vicki. Oh, Vicki . . . please be okay.

  “Mr. Stewart, we’re here,”the officer said, opening his door.

  The car had barely pulled up to the emergency-room entrance when Michael jumped out and bolted through the automatic doors. Sammie was standing in the corner. When she saw him, she raced over and fell into his arms crying.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,”she kept repeating through tears.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine.”She pulled away to look at him.

  “You’ve got blood on your face.”Michael hugged her again.

  “I’m fine. Please, Mike. Please. I’m so sorry.”

  Michael whispered, “Please tell me she’s okay.”

  Samantha cried harder, pulling away from him.

  “I can’t live without her, Sammie,”he begged. “You know that.”

  Samantha was silent. After a moment, she whispered to him in a voice far deeper than normal, “She wasn’t conscious when I saw her being taken in.”

  “Oh, God, no.”The words seemed to escape him as he stood there, holding his little sister, trying to make her not say what he already knew in his heart. His head fell on her shoulder, and he became aware only of how her heaving sobs kept bobbing his head slowly up, then down. He took a deep breath, then let her go.

  He walked over to the nurses’ desk and announced to no one in particular, “My wife, my wife was brought in here a few moments ago. Please . . .”

  All other words left him as he waited for someone to answer.

  “What’s her name?”one of the nurses asked.

  “Vick. Vicki. Victoria Stewart.”

  The nurse typed a few words into the computer in front of her before asking, finally, “Mr. Stewart?”

  “Yes.”

  “Please sit and wait for the doctor to come out.”

  Michael turned and found Samantha and Ken directly behind him, holding each other.

  Nice, Michael thought.

  It felt like only a few seconds later when Michael felt a hand on his sleeve.

  “Mr. Stewart? I’m Dr. Brennan. Please come with me out into the hall.”

  Without thinking, Michael stood up and followed him blindly to a spot near a water fountain.

  The physician turned to him. He looked as if he would rather be anywhere else than in this hallway talking to Michael. “I’m sorry to tell you that we were unable to save your wife. Her injuries were far too grave. But we were able to deliver the baby. You have a girl. She’s doing fine upstairs.”

  The doctor said many other things, but Michael heard nothing else. He stood motionless, gazing at the bright ceiling lights. Again, it seemed only seconds before Samantha and Ken were next to him, asking what the doctor had said.

  “Vicki . . .”He stopped, unable to continue.

  Samantha fell into Michael, hugging him tightly.

  After a few moments, he finally looked down at her. “I can’t cry right now. There’s just no time. The baby’s okay. I have to go see my daughter.”

  “They saved the baby?”Samantha asked through her tears.

  He nodded. “Elizabeth’s here now.”

  Michael limped around on one sandal while holding the other torn one in his hand. He attempted several times to place the broken sandal back on his foot but it kept slipping off when he tried to take a step.

  “Great,”he muttered under his breath.

  He took the other sandal off as the rain continued to pound down. His feet felt relief as he waded through the puddles. The raindrops massaged his bruised shoulders while cooling off his head and neck. He looked skyward and opened his mouth, letting the water collect there. He swallowed gratefully.

  “Thank you.”

  He stopped near a large puddle, then stepped into it as if he were getting into a bathtub. He rinsed the m
ud off his feet and legs, thinking how he needed to get out of this rain and see Elizabeth.

  Michael started back toward Leah’s house, looking for familiar landmarks. The sky was still dark gray, making it difficult for him to determine the time.

  When the rain let up, he began to shiver. He looked to his left—the aqueduct! His heart raced. Michael started to run hard, not caring that his feet were bare.

  Soon Leah’s house appeared in the distance. He could make out two figures standing near the front gate.

  “Dad!”Elizabeth sprinted to meet him. She threw her arms around him and held on tightly. “Oh, Dad, did they . . . ?”

  “They did . . . they did . . . and I helped . . . I carried the cross they nailed him to.”

  Michael tried to push Elizabeth away but she clung to him. “Daddy, no,”she murmured. “You helped him. . . you helped him.”

  “Come with me,”said the nurse at the desk. She led him down the corridor to a bank of elevators, then pressed 8 when they got inside. The elevator shook as it made its ascent.

  “This way,”she said when the doors opened. They made a left turn and went down another series of hallways that led to a security door that read no admittance without proper identification. The nurse entered a code on the accompanying keypad, and the doors opened automatically.

  Balloon paintings covered the walls as she led him toward the nursing station. A man and woman stood with their arms around each other, cooing and tapping on the glass. Michael stopped near them.

  “Not here,”the nurse said, motioning him to continue walking.

  She led him down a dimly lit hallway past a door that bore the simple inscription CHAPEL. As he approached this other nursing station, Michael noticed the bare walls and the hushed tone of the staff.

  “Wait here, please,”the nurse said kindly. She picked up a phone on the wall. “Mr. Stewart is ready to see his daughter. . . . Okay, okay. We’ll go over there.”

  She led him past the nursing station and around a corner to a small window. Michael peered through it into a large room with only four incubators. He noticed all the equipment inside: machines, tubes, monitors. A nurse came up to him on the other side of the glass and pointed at a baby lying in an incubator.

  Oh, Vicki. Oh, Vicki.

  She looked so small to him. She was only wearing a diaper and had an IV connected to her left heel. Where her belly button would be was now clamped off by a yellow tag. On her right ankle was a plastic band that read STEWART, BABY GIRL—STEWART, VICTORIA (D).

  Michael stared at the band. Vicki’s middle name didn’t start with a D.

  He paused and looked at Elizabeth moving her arms and stretching her legs.

  “Vicki’s middle name doesn’t start with D,”he said, turning to the nurse next to him. “It’s Evelyn.”

  When the nurse only looked at Michael, he knew immediately what it meant.

  “Oh my God. D for ‘deceased’?”

  The nurse stood silent.

  “Answer me, please.”

  Michael began fervently tapping on the window, trying to get the attention of the nurse inside the room. “Take that off,”he said, pointing to the ankle band.

  “Take it off now !”

  The nurse inside couldn’t hear him. He slammed his hands against the glass again.

  “Mr. Stewart, please,”the nurse next to him said. “Stop. Please.”

  “No!”Michael looked down the hall for the door to the nursery. He didn’t see any entrance.

  Turning back to the window he tried again to get the nurse inside to understand him. “Take it off!”he said, pointing angrily at the ankle band.

  “Mr. Stewart, please stop,”the nurse said, touching his shoulder. “Please. I’ll have to call security. Please, sir, I don’t want to have to do that to you.”

  Michael looked at his hands pounding against the glass. Suddenly exhausted and embarrassed, he covered his face and slid to the ground.

  The nurse looked at him for a few moments before reaching down to lift his arm. “Mr. Stewart,”she said gently, “it’s time to get up.”

  Michael found his feet again but couldn’t feel his legs. He stood up and smiled at the nurse oddly. Then, turning back to the window, he looked again at Elizabeth.

  She’s so small.

  “Oh, Elizabeth, I’m so sorry,”he said under his breath, pressing his face dejectedly against the window. “I’m so sorry. I’m not sure I can take care of you now. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I don’t know how.”

  Michael began banging his head gently against the glass but saw Elizabeth start to cry. He turned to the nurse.

  “Is she okay?”

  “She was born a few days too soon but she’ll be fine.”The nurse touched Michael gently on his right arm. “I’ll be back in a couple of minutes to take you inside. If you need me, I’m at the nurses’ station. Would you like to see a priest?”

  “No.”

  Michael watched the nurse walk away. He turned back to look into the NICU window. Michael could see a sticker on the baby’s tiny chest, monitoring her heartbeat. Her eyes were bright blue and her cheeks were puffy and red. She continued to cry.

  “Oh, Elizabeth, please stop,”he said, starting to cry, too. “Please, I’ll be strong for you. I promise you I won’t ever leave you. You’ll be the only person in my life now. The only person. No one will ever get between us. I promise . . . I promise.”

  “If you don’t want me to go, I won’t.”

  He lay there, surprised at his own words and thinking about the consequences of his statement. He remembered falling into a deep sleep, but now, in the early-morning hours, he was surprised to find her next to him.

  “Well, maybe you can come back with us, Leah,”he whispered, not wanting to wake her. He held her hand more tightly, pulling it up slightly so he could kiss it. It was intoxicating lying there, so close that he could feel her every breath. His heart beat rapidly.

  “I don’t want to be alone anymore, Leah. It’s been too long. Elizabeth has grown up so quickly. She’s become such a beautiful person. Each day that comes is one less day she needs me, or, in some cases—wants to be around me.”

  He laughed quietly, unaware that Elizabeth had woken and was standing at the foot of the ladder to the roof.

  “For the longest time I didn’t know how to love again, Leah. You taught me that love is worth having. I just didn’t think I would find it here—in Jerusalem—in this time.”

  He shook his head in disbelief. He couldn’t believe he’d just uttered those words.

  Michael kissed the back of her neck. “What do you think about going back to Northport with us? It’s a beautiful town, Leah. The people are friendly. The neighbors do care about one another. We’re by the Sound, the beach. You can smell the ocean during the winter some nights where we live. We could take walks at night there, watch the sunset. I promise to be as romantic in our old age as we can be now. I promise I will never forget to say I love you.”

  Elizabeth’s mouth dropped open. She’d never heard her father talk like this. She knew that he spent most of his time dismissing any romantic possibilities, using her as an excuse—which she found both humiliating and annoying. When she was younger, she used to wonder if he would ever marry again, and the thought upset her. But here, on this warm evening in a small town outside Jerusalem, she felt nothing but happiness.

  He shook his head again, thinking about all the times he’d thought about going down to the beach to look at the sunset, but never did. “If you don’t know how to swim, I could teach you,”he promised into the darkness. “I’ll teach you to ride a bike. I’ll even go to the mall with you.”

  The last promise made him pause. He actually hated the mall. “Well, I’ll have to think about that one.”He tightened his hold. “I can teach you to play baseball. I tried it with Elizabeth but she was more interested in playing the piano.”

  Elizabeth winced at the memory. She had kept holding up the mitt, turning h
er head, and shutting her eyes whenever the ball came near her. Michael had finally given up, afraid that she would get smacked in the face, and she’d skipped happily back into the house to practice “When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again”on the old upright in the den.

  “I promise always to let you into my heart. I promise. I really do.”

  Suddenly Leah stirred. His body quivered with excitement. “Hey, Leah. Good morning.”

  She turned over and lay flat on the bedroll. Her eyes fluttered and she moved her lips as if seeking some water. “Yochanan? Yochanan?”she mumbled drowsily.

  Elizabeth turned away quickly and ducked back toward the dining area. Michael lay there for a moment, stunned. Then he jumped to his feet, tripping on some of the tangled blanket. He fumbled his way down the two ladders and into the kitchen. He braced himself against the wall as if it were a life raft. He looked down stoically at the worn floor, letting his tears fall freely.

  After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and straightened. He knew now the important thing was to get his daughter back home safely. He repeated that to himself for several minutes until he felt composed enough to check one more time on Elizabeth.

  When he reached the second floor, he saw her lying peacefully on the mat in the far corner. In the moonlight, he noticed that her eyes were closed, and he stood there listening to her rhythmic breathing. Then he quietly left the room. A moment later Elizabeth’s eyes opened and she dabbed them with the blanket.

  Michael wandered back down to the kitchen and stood for a moment. Perhaps she was just dreaming, he thought hopefully. After all, hadn’t he had dreams about Vicki, too? Yes, that must be it. It was just a dream. He turned resolutely and headed for the ladder.

  14

  FOUND

  YOU

  Michael awoke to find Leah’s head resting on his chest and his arms draped around her body. The sun had yet to make an appearance, but in the gray early-morning light, he could see everything so clearly.

  Last night as they sat together on the roof, he thought something had changed. She was so near, her shoulder touching his and her hip against him. When he put his arm around her, she didn’t resist. Instead, she leaned her head against his shoulder and her hair brushed his cheek when he breathed in deeply. What he remembered most clearly was how when he kissed her on the forehead, she had turned to him, placing her hands on his face.