Return to Abundance

by Shanna Swenson

  The car ride home was uncomfortable- to say the least. Jack and Nat could tell Jordan was upset, and his poor sister tried to ease the quiet as best she could. Nate had tried to sneak his hand over to Jordan’s to just give it a gentle squeeze, but she swatted him away. That had hurt more than her silence. She hadn’t wanted his comfort, and he felt the knife take another slice out of him.

  “Jordan, are we gonna talk about this?” he’d asked as they walked in the door that night, the lights of the truck outside hitting her as she’d ascended the stairs without a word.

  After that cold encounter, Nate had sat about the nasty business of pretending to be indifferent to Jordan’s unresponsiveness. He pretended that he wasn’t heartbroken. He went to work every day and laughed at the dinner jokes Eric made and bide Jordan goodnight each night as she headed up the stairs with a wave, all the while, his heart bleeding for a reunion that seemed to be completely out of his grasp. He’d shown her he cared, but she wasn’t budging, and he didn’t know what more to do aside from give her more space. It was just gonna take time, he assumed. That, or she’d simply lost all interest in him and their hot and steamy affair was now over…

  Nathan’s court date was coming up soon, and he and Jordan were going to be stuck facing a judge over the night he’d gone to the bar to simply have a beer. He wasn’t looking forward to it but was anxious to get it done and over with. Hopefully, Jordan wouldn’t throw him to the wolves, especially now that Scottie had softened. Deep down, Nate knew that Jordan didn’t wish him ill will, but his pride was hurting and he was starting to feel inadequate.

  He was meeting with Mason Sullivan today to go over a new contract with his company. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing the man who’d made Jordan so uncomfortable the night of their date, but he needed the contract and figured if he kept her in the house, she wouldn’t even know he was there.

  After breakfast that morning, he told her, “I’m meeting with Mason Sullivan this morning.” Her hands stilled on the dishes she was washing and her face looked as if he’d just slapped her. Her eyes were open pits of emotion as she looked up at him. “It’s ok, Jor. I’ll meet with him in the barn. You won’t even have to see him at all. Just hang out up here today if you want, ok?” She slowly relaxed and looked back down at the dishes she was washing. He wanted to demand that she stop and look at him and talk to him, but he didn’t. He turned to leave but couldn’t help himself. He turned back. “Are you ok?” he asked and looked down to her abdomen. She just looked up at him, surprised that he was asking. He waited for her response, his breathing even and slow. Finally, she gulped and nodded. He didn’t buy it. “Jordan, I’m here… I just want you to know that.” She just looked up at him again, her eyes pools of whiskey tears. She simply nodded again. He wanted to scream and yell and beg and plead, but his pride was simply too wounded at this point. He tipped his dusty cowboy hat at her and left.

  The trial came and went and to Nate’s surprise, it ended with a thousand dollar fine and twenty hours of community service. He couldn’t be more relieved. He had already served his time, picking up trash along the highway and helping with road work, halting cars and shoveling gravel. It had been fairly easy, considering he spent most of his days doing hard labor anyway. He was just glad he didn’t have to go to jail. Scottie’s sentence had been a bit harsher with a heftier fine much to Nate’s surprise. David was a friend of the judge’s, that’s all Nate could figure helped his case. As far as he was concerned, he got off light…

  Work was steady and he’d started training Mason’s horses with ease. Mason had seemed disappointed when he’d asked where Jordan was and Nate had followed with, “She’s out.” Personally, Nate felt that where Jordan was wasn’t any of Sullivan’s business, but he tried to blow it off and be amicable with the man. After all, he needed the money and the referral Sullivan would give for him when these five thoroughbreds were ready. He tried not to focus on how bothered Jordan had been by the older man’s glances that night, although, he had to admit it shook him to see her that upset.

  Jordan was still so distant with Nathan. Nothing had changed since that morning in her room when he’d told her, once again, that he loved her. Confessing his love for her had apparently back-fired, it seemed that he’d done the opposite of what he thought was best and pushed her away instead - for good this time. Well, he decided, if she didn’t love him then so be it. He couldn’t do any more than he’d already done. She appeared so withdrawn though. It was as if her light had been completely extinguished and for the life of him, he couldn’t find a way to ignite it again.

  She still laughed and flirted with the guys as she always had, but there was no conviction in her eyes when she did so; it was all for show he knew, and he wasn’t the only one to recognize it. The guys had noticed something amiss and asked him what was wrong. The truth was that he didn’t fully know. If she was still in pain, she gave no hint to it, for the mask she wore was air tight. And it truly was a mask, he knew now; she didn’t have to say anything, her eyes told him more than she ever could. Those beautiful honey whiskey orbs were torn, tired, and in pain. They echoed into his own, keeping him up at night, tossing and turning and dying to know how to fix her despair.

  Natalie had called and wanted a baby sitter that night, their parents were on trip to Yosemite, and she wanted a date night with her husband. Nate had laughed and agreed to keep the girls for them, so that Jack could “get some”. He’d gotten reamed for that one, being told that she still had some time until that could happen and thanks for the reminder… The line was silent as Nate had blushed and felt bad, only to have Jack come on the line and thank him profusely. Nate had laughed again. He didn’t know what he would do without his crazy family in his life to entertain him. Just when life had gotten so dim, they were there to keep him afloat.

  He’d agreed to be there by 5:00 PM and was just finishing up with the horses for the evening, telling Eric where he’d be. He then stepped into his office where Jordan sat to inform her before he went up to the house to shave and shower.

  She looked lovely that afternoon with just a hint of copper eyeshadow and mascara to highlight her eyes, her curly auburn hair half up- half down. She wore a pair of jeans and a modest scoop neck coral sweater that complemented her features. He couldn’t help but smile at her. She anxiously looked up him and the punch to his gut was tangible. Why did she have to look up at him as if she were the saddest person on earth? What kind of surgery did she have to have done? What was going on with her? It physically hurt him that she wouldn’t open her heart to him. He cleared his throat then and tore his eyes from hers.

  “Uh, Nat and Jack are going out for the night, and I’m gonna go keep the girls… I wouldn’t mind the help with the baby if you’re free.” He dared looking back up into her startled face, and for a few moments, he wasn’t sure she was going to answer him. She just stared up as if she were in a daze. Finally, she came to and nodded.

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to impose,” she stammered.

  “I just thought the company would be good for you,” he muttered.

  She seemed taken off guard by his boldness but recovered.

  “Yes, of course. You’re right. What time do we need to leave?”

  “Within the hour.” He pointed to the clock then smiled at her. “I’m glad you’re going with me.” He stepped out then and sighed. Finally, some alone time with the woman he loved.

  Jordan sighed heavily as Nate left the office. She could just go into the corner and bawl her eyes out. God, she wanted to tell him so badly how she really felt, but for the life of her, she just simply couldn’t do it. She kept losing her nerve each time the perfect opportunity for her to say it arose. These past few weeks had been some of the hardest of her life. She’d finally made her decision. Her surgery date was set and now, she was battling all the doubt… and fear… and anger… and resentment… and sadness…and disappointment that it was causing her. Many times, she’d called to talk to her doctor�
�s nurse for reassurance that she was doing the right thing, making the right decision, praying this would stop the unending torment she’d been experiencing for the last several years now.

  It was amazing how upsetting it had been— all those years of not really wanting to be a mother— to know that now she would never get to be. She would never get to feel the amazing gift of life growing inside her, never experience the excitement of getting to tell someone that their legacy would live on, never feel the love that Natalie and her mother had described at having a child of their own, never get to know what her own child would have looked or acted like… All that had come crashing down on her in the last few weeks when she knew she had to take the plunge and schedule the surgery she’d been needing for months and months now.

  At the time, the blow had been minimal. After all, she was single and hadn’t known love then, but after being with Nathan, she’d fallen in love and what hadn’t been a big deal before was now a devastating blow to her womanhood and to her heart. In her mind, she wasn’t woman enough for him if her body couldn’t even do what it was designed for and give him a beautiful raven headed child of his own.

  She’d known pain from the first period she’d ever had. Women were supposed to hurt during their periods, she’d been told by her mother. It was “normal” but then days would have to be taken off work in order for her to bear the grueling week once a month until finally, she literally couldn’t stand on her own two feet and she’d known this “normal” thing wasn’t so. Her doctor had diagnosed her with deep infiltrating endometriosis, a highly invasive disease that causes painful lesions and adhesions to form onto and into the female parts.

  She’d finally given in and had her first surgery once sex had become agonizing years ago. Her intestines had been involved and her female parts were literally stuck together like bubblegum on a shoe. It took hours for her surgeon to correct it, ending with a bowel resection, and he’d given her a grime prognosis. He’d said that he’d been unable to get it all out and that it would only grow like an unrelenting vine taking over a garden. He’d stated that her fallopian tubes and ovaries were covered in lesions that he couldn’t take off and those organs needed to be removed if she wanted true relief. He was afraid that she also had adenomyosis- endometriosis inside the walls of her uterus. He’d told her then that he’d never seen such an extensive case and that she would need more surgeries in the future. Several months ago, after the pain began to get bad again, he’d explained how beneficial a hysterectomy would be in her situation and that she had a serious decision to make. She hadn’t wanted to continue to have these surgeries-excision surgery being the “gold standard” for treating endometriosis-with little relief, well, from the two she’d already had anyway, for a couple years before having to have another, especially if her organs were so diseased that they needed removing. What did it benefit her to leave them in her body to continue to torment her? She could think of none, but that hadn’t made her decision an easy one. She was beating herself up, blaming her wild tendencies and free lifestyle for keeping her from experiencing motherhood. Why had she waited so long? Now it was too late! But her doctor had reassured her that she might not have ever even been able to get pregnant in the first place with things as bad as they were. There was no other decision to make… So, she’d made it.

  Now, she just had to tell Nathan the disheartening news. Now that you’ve gone and fallen in love with me, I’m defective. God, why was it so hard? She was ashamed and she felt like she’d betrayed him. She should have warned him before they’d ever been intimate. But when they’d first made love it was unexpected and spontaneous, then it had just continued to happen. She’d tried to tell him she didn’t date her bosses… What an excuse that had been, even then it had been too late- she’d already started falling for that sexy raven-black hair and beard, those sapphire blue eyes and full lips.

  She finished up with the bills and checkbook and stashed it in the safe, locking it up with her key. She turned off the computer and the lights and shut and locked the door. She smiled and waved to Eric and Zack on her way up to the house. She had about 10 minutes before they were set to leave, so she headed into the kitchen to leave a note for the guys on the fridge, detailing what leftovers there were, then she headed upstairs to touch up her makeup. She didn’t know why she even bothered…

  They headed out at ten til and Nate smiled over at her as they peeled out of the driveway. She hesitantly smiled back. He said not a word as he drove the short couple miles to Kinsen Ranch. She was grateful for that, but knew there was much he wasn’t saying.

  Once they came through the door, they were met with a surprised Natalie who was dressed in a silky, sexy, off the shoulder black dress. She quickly recovered with a smile.

  “Well, hi, Jordan.” She pulled her friend in for a hug and Jordan kissed her cheek.

  “You look amazing. Jack is a lucky man.” Jordan winked, hiding her own emotions with her usual easy-going nature.

  “Well, we already know that!” Jack boomed from the stairs, carrying down a giggling Dallie in one arm as Dash barked playfully at the two of them. He looked incredibly handsome himself tonight in a dark Henley and new jeans that were equally as form fitting. She could understand now why Nat needed to have him to herself for a while.

  Dallie ran at her Aunt Jordan and Jordan unwisely scooped her up to her aching hip as Nate took the instructions Natalie had written out for the baby. It was up to two pages now. Jordan grimaced in pain, but made sure that no one noticed. She wasn’t going to let her rebellious body prevent her from enjoying her favorite six-year old.

  “Jeez, Nat! These kids don’t need an instruction manual. You guys are only gonna be gone for a few hours I’m assuming,” Jordan scolded Natalie. Jack nodded at that.

  “Well, I just wanted you to know what to do and where things were. Hopefully, you won’t run for the hills after tonight’s done… Now, I went ahead and made dinner for you.”

  “Sis, I could’ve ordered a pizza or something. You didn’t have to do that!” Nate was the one scolding now.

  “No, it’s the least I could do. It’s in the oven now. It’s got another…” Natalie looked down at her watch. “Fifteen minutes, then you can take it out and let it cool.”

  “Damn, Betty Crocker over here,” Nate exclaimed. With that, they all laughed.

  “Ok, so when Vanna wakes up she’ll be hungry. The milk is in the freezer. The instructions are all written out there, but if you need anything, just call. Jack has his phone. She should go back to sleep if you rock her after she eats, and I’ll be back to feed her for her next feeding,” Natalie told them.

  “Nat, go, enjoy yourself! We’ve got these two, ok?” Nate blew out his breath.

  “Ok, ok. Thank you both so much!” Nat smiled and blew kisses and hugged Dallie to her as Jack practically pulled her out the door.

  Once they were gone, Jordan and Nate set about the task of entertaining Dallie with games and puzzles until it was time for dinner. That’s when Savannah made her presence known and Jordan got the bottle ready as Nate held the baby then they switched spots. They ate a good meal of lasagna and garlic bread that Natalie had made. They talked with Dallie about her day at school and her new friend, Bethany, and her work on the ranch. Nate helped feed Dallie as Jordan fed Savannah and attempted to feed herself at the same time.

  After dinner, Nate cleaned up and Dallie worked on homework. Jordan had the baby to sleep within minutes of burping her and changing her. Nate and Dallie went to take care of the horses and they all watched some cartoons on TV then it was time to get Dallie ready for bed. Jordan and Nate swapped again. Jordan gave Dallie a bath, dried her hair, helped her brush her teeth and read her a bedtime story as Dash settled in at her feet. Once she finally tucked her in and closed the door, Jordan was beat.

  “Man, how in the world does Natalie do it with both of them?” Jordan whispered to Nate as she tiptoed down the stairs and came to join him on the couch.

 
Nate held Vanna in the crook of his arm as he flipped through the channels, the TV on mute. Nate shook his head.

  “I’m sure I don’t know.” He sighed. She looked at him, really looked, for the first time today. She took in his untamed black hair with the slight curl at the bottom, his perfectly trimmed beard and mustache, his tight jeans and long-sleeved shirt. She could smell the fresh scent of fabric softener on him and an earthy scent that reminded her of all their love making. Then she noted his sad eyes and nonchalance. She knew she was to blame for that and looked away.

  He stood then and laid the baby in her bassinet next to the couch, coming back to Jordan’s side. They sat there in silence for the longest time before he turned to her and took her hands.

  “Jordan, you’re under no obligation to tell me anything that you don’t feel comfortable telling me, but I’m the man who loves you and only wishes the best for you. These past several weeks have been pure torture, and I don’t know how much longer I can go with this void between us. Please…”

  “I have to have a hysterectomy!” she blurted out. “All of my female parts are diseased and have to come out!” There she’d finally said it. Now, how would he digest it? He gulped and took her face into his calloused hands.

  “Jordan, baby… I’m so sorry. I…”

  She couldn’t take the pity in his blue eyes as they stared into hers.

  “Don’t,” she grated out and shook her head at him, “don’t patronize me, Nate. Not you!” He looked at her in utter confusion. “I don’t want your sympathy.”