Protector

by Michelle Horst

I stare at the ground as we walk, not sure how to answer him.

  “It’s not that. I just get a weird feeling when he’s around.” I shrug it away. “You can’t like everyone you meet, right?”

  He nods and then says, “I’ll let him have the day shifts from now on.”

  “Thank you.”

  I stop and look up at Griffin. With the dark around us I can only make out his profile. Somehow the night makes it easier to say what I’m thinking.

  “I still can’t believe what happened. It’s as if I’m walking a tight line between reality and hell. I’m scared, Griffin. I’m scared of everything. Every sound, every shadow, every person. I’m so scared. My family was my security. I always knew they’d be there for me … but they’re gone. They were just ripped out of my life and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to face tomorrow. I don’t want to face being alone.”

  He lifts his hand and slips it behind my neck. He takes a step closer to me and then pulls me into a hug. My cheek settles against his chest. It feels good, just like when Charlie hugs me.

  “You’re not alone. I know you don’t know me, but with time we’ll fix that. I’ll never be able to take your family’s place, but you’ll never be alone. I made a promise, and I keep my promises. Just take it one day at a time. Just one step at a time.”

  I bring my arms up and let my fingers take hold of his sides.

  “What if I can’t take that step?” I murmur into his chest.

  “Then you crawl, Riley. And if you can’t crawl, I’ll drag you if I have to.” His hands slip to my jaw and he nudge my face up. Once our eyes meet the intensity of his promise slams into me. “All that matters right now is that you keep moving forward.”

  I nod and let my forehead rest against his chest.

  How do I explain that I’m too tired? I’m too drained, too devastated.

  I can’t look forward because my family’s not there.

  I can’t move forward because that will mean moving further away from them.

  I can’t leave them.

  I wish I could let someone in … anyone. But I can’t. Griffin doesn’t understand. No one does.

  I’ll always be alone.

  Griffin~

  I feel better after talking with Riley the night before. It feels like I’ve won some of her trust, but I know it’s going to be a slow process.

  There’s a knock on the door and Mike comes in. He looks tired from the night shift he just worked. Hell, I’m tired. We could all do with a decent night’s sleep.

  “You said to check in before I head to bed?” Mike says, sinking down on the couch.

  “Yeah,” I say, searching his face. What is it about him that makes Riley wary of him?

  “I’m going to let you handle day shift from now on. I’ll take night shift with Camden and Miles.”

  He smiles, actually looking happy about the change. “Sure thing. When do you want me to go over to day shift?”

  “Take today and tonight to rest and then start tomorrow at five am sharp.”

  “No problem.” He gets up and then hesitates. “Is there a reason for the change?”

  I’ve thought hard about what I’d say once he asked, so I’m glad that I’m ready with the answer. “It will give me more time with Riley.”

  He nods and walks to the door. “You better get some rest, too.”

  I smile and get up. “That’s exactly what I’m going to do now.” I really can’t see whatever it is Riley sees. Maybe it’s just a personality clash. Still, I’ll keep an eye on things. I don’t want to place Riley in a position where she doesn’t feel safe.

  I grab my empty mug and walk to the kitchen. Skylar is busy taking a mug from the cupboard as I walk in.

  “Morning,” she mumbles while making coffee for herself.

  “Morning,” I say back. I haven’t spoken much to Skylar or Mr. Perry since we’ve all been here. Hell, I don’t even see much of Mr. Perry. Camden told me his dad loves the history channel and has taken over the living room upstairs.

  “Have you settled in okay?” I ask just to be polite.

  “Yeah,” she says, her attention fully on the mug in her hands.

  “Good.” I start to walk out of the kitchen but she stops me.

  “Oh hey, how’s Riley doing?”

  I take a deep breath. “As well as can be expected.”

  Skylar nods and when she doesn’t say anything else, I make a quick exit.

  I take the long route to my room. It takes me past Riley’s room. I nudge the door and peek inside. Charlie is on the bed next to her, as always. He lifts his head and twitches his ear. That dog might just be the one to save Riley.

  “Good boy,” I whisper.

  I glance around the room, making sure everything is okay before I walk to my own that’s at the end of the hall. I have a secret door that leads from the closet to a set of stairs. It goes down to an old wine cellar. Currently the wine cellar is being used for storage space. I haven’t told anyone about the secret passage and I don’t intend to. I just need to know there’s a way for me to get out if the shit hits the fan.

  I take a quick shower and then fall backwards on the bed. I stare up at the ceiling, willing my mind to slow down.

  It’s become a normal thing for me to cope with only four hours of sleep. I’m used to switching from day to night shift and back at the drop of a hat.

  What I’m not used to is the emotional toll this thing with Riley and the loss of Josh is taking on me. Nothing exhausts you like emotional heartache.

  My mind wanders to the night before. I’m so fucking relieved that Riley came and did talk to me. She might not see it yet, but that was her taking a huge step forward.

  I hope I didn’t cross any lines when I hugged her. It just looked like she could really use a hug.

  And it felt nice when she hugged me back.

  I won’t admit it to a living soul, but losing Josh has left a gaping hole in my life. All my plans included Josh.

  My future included Josh.

  He was the person I would call first whenever I had news, good or bad. He knew everything about me.

  He was the only person I could talk to about shit.

  Fuck, I miss him.

  Riley~

  I don’t know why it’s easier to be up at night and to sleep during the day. Maybe it’s the false illusion that nightmares don’t hurt as much in the daylight.

  But at night the monsters are bigger.

  Bad things happen at night.

  There’s also the added bonus that everyone is asleep when I’m up.

  The first thing I notice when I walk into the kitchen is all the dishes.

  “Wow, Charlie, the people around here don’t seem to believe in cleaning up after themselves.”

  Charlie gives me a disgruntled snort. ‘Like you’ve been cleaning after yourself?’

  I chuckle as I walk over to the sink. “You’re right.”

  I search the cupboard until I find an all-purpose kitchen cleaner. I grab a cloth and then start to wipe the one side of the kitchen clean so I’ll have space to put the dishes once they’re washed and dried.

  As I start to wash the dishes, I realize that I’m feeling a little better, not so utterly hopeless. The work is keeping my mind busy and it seems to be a good thing.

  I’m just about to start drying everything off when Miles comes in.

  He points to the dishwasher. “You know you could’ve just thrown them in there?”

  “I don’t like dishwashers. Mom always said they don’t clean everything.”

  He grabs the plate I’ve just set down on the counter and I watch as he places it in one of the top cupboards. “Skylar loves to cook, but she hates cleaning.”

  “She’s been cooking?” I don’t even know where my meals have been coming from for the past month. Feeling bad that I’ve been so ungrateful, I drop my eyes to the pile of dishes I still have to dry.

  Miles moves around me, taking all the dry dishes and pu
tting them where they belong.

  “Sky’s the creative one. She loves art and writing and cooking … anything where she gets to create something. She’s a damn good cook, too.”

  “She is.” I haven’t had much of an appetite but the food always looks good. Charlie clears the plate for me, and he never complains.

  “You want some coffee?” Miles asks as he places the last knife in the drawer.

  Pain lances through my heart. Coffee. It takes only one word to rip the wounds open and to drag me back under.

  I’ll never have coffee with Josh again.

  I keep my face down so Miles won’t see the pain. “No, thank you.”

  I leave the kitchen quickly, darting down a passage. I want to kick my own backside when I realize that I’m walking down the passage that leads to all the offices and not the rest of the house.

  The door to Griffin’s office is slightly open but then I remember that he’s not on night duty this week. I wonder if he’s changed Mike’s schedule. If I don’t have to walk into him anymore, it would be great.

  I slip into Griffin’s office so I can go outside through the sliding door there, but come to a standstill when I see Griffin sitting at the desk.

  His head snaps up and surprise flickers across his features when he sees me standing by the door.

  “I … I’m sorry,” I start to stammer, quickly moving to open the door again. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

  “Riley, wait.” He gets up and moves around the desk. “Is something wrong?” The surprise on his face quickly makes way for worry, and it only makes me feel worse.

  I shake my head and swallow hard. “I thought … I was just going to use your door to go outside.”

  His eyes burn into mine as if he’s digging for the truth behind my words. He’s very perceptive. I need to remember this in future.

  “You can use it anytime.”

  Griffin goes to open the sliding door and then looks outside, probably checking the surrounding area, before he steps back to let me pass.

  I slip outside and pat Charlie’s head as we start to walk around the house so I can get to the lake.

  I glance behind me and stop when I see that Griffin is coming outside too.

  “You don’t have to. I don’t want to keep you from your work, or from going to bed.”

  He catches up to me and shakes his head. “You’re not keeping me from anything. I feel better if I can keep an eye on you while you’re outside. The cameras don’t see everything out here.”

  My shoulders slump and I glance in the direction of the lake. “I don’t want to be a nuisance.”

  He places a hand on my shoulder. “You’re not. What makes you think that?”

  I cross my arms over my chest, gripping my biceps tightly. “I just don’t want to keep you from work every time I feel like going for a walk.”

  Just like the night before, his hands come up to rest on my jaw and he nudges my face up. My eyes start at his strong jaw and slowly work their way up. His lips are set in a hard line. I try to remember if I’ve seen him smile before.

  Our eyes meet and I can still see the blue of his irises clearly in the light shining from his office.

  “The walks you go for are a good thing. You’re not in the way. You’re not keeping me from anything.” His words are clipped and precise.

  I hear what he’s saying but it’s not sinking in.

  I take hold of his wrist and feel the heat of his skin seep into mine.

  He tilts his head and frowns. “Talk to me,” he whispers.

  I feel the prick of tears behind my eyes but they don’t come. They only leave my eyes and throat burning.

  “Simple things like coffee, eye color, music … simple things hurt.” I take in a shuddering breath and lower my eyes from his. “Amelia said that I get to choose how I’ll remember them … but she’s wrong.”

  I pull away from Griffin and look down at Charlie. He nudges closer to me, always offering his support.

  “Why do you say that?”

  The heartache swells in my chest until it feels like I might explode.

  “Miles asked if I’d like some coffee. It’s a simple question, but it hurt so much. Josh and I … we had this thing where we’d drink some coffee before turning in for the night. It was our thing.”

  Griffin reaches for my hand and links his fingers with mine. “It’s normal, Riley. Of course you’ll miss them. What happened to your family was a terrible tragedy. No one expects you to just bounce back.”

  “It’s just so weird, Griffin. You’re the closest I have to a family now. Sure, there’s Mom’s sister and Dad’s cousins, but they never felt like family to start with. Shit, I still have to let them know.” Panic starts to well in my chest at the thought of telling them what happened.

  “It’s all taken care of. I made the calls. I told them it was a car accident and that you’re too distraught to have a big funeral. They argued but backed down eventually. The ladies your mom worked with are looking after the day care. You have nothing to worry about. Just take your time and heal.”

  My mouth drops open with awe. He did all of that for me? I shake my head lightly. “You didn’t have to.”

  He nods. “I did it for Josh. He would’ve done the same for me.”

  “You’re all I have left of Josh. You’re practically a stranger, but at the same time so familiar. It’s just messed up. And the others…” I glance at the house. I’ve been here over a month but it feels like a day. This place is foreign to me. “Everyone is nice but I don’t know them. They’re not my people.”

  Griffin reaches for my face and tucks some hair behind my ear. A smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. He should smile more. He looks really good when his face isn’t all hard lines.

  “I understand,” he says, and those words mean a lot to me. “It might not mean anything right now, but Josh was my family, too. That means you’re my family, Riley. You’ll get to know everyone when you’re ready. There’s no rush.”

  “Thanks, Griffin.” I give him a wobbly smile.

  “Come on.” He starts to walk towards the lake. For the first time since this nightmare started, I actually feel a little bit better.

  I don’t feel totally hopeless.

  I sit down and cross my legs like always. Charlie comes to sit on my right and Griffin sits down on my left. He rests his forearms on his knees and then stares out over the water.

  “You really don’t have to sit out here with me,” I whisper as my eyes glide over the smooth water.

  “I know.” The words come out with a heavy breath.

  I glance at him and can only see his profile in the darkness.

  Long minutes pass before he speaks again. “I miss Josh. It’s like losing half of me. He knew my thoughts. He knew everything about me, how I liked things. I never had to explain anything to him. He was the one person who got me.”

  I scoot closer and hook my arm through his. I let my hand rest on his bicep and then lay my head against his shoulder.

  Knowing I’m not alone in all this pain makes it feel like I can breathe a little deeper.

  Things don’t seem as hopeless when you have someone holding your hand.

  It’s becoming a habit to sleep during the day and to be up at night. I prefer the silence that hangs in the house as I move through it.

  I go to the kitchen hoping to find a pile of dishes. I smile when I see the sink loaded with dirty pots and plates. It gives me something to do so I don’t feel completely like a waste of space.

  I wipe the one side of the kitchen clean and then start to wash glasses and mugs.

  Miles comes in and walks over to where the towels are hanging. He takes one and then starts to dry the glasses as I place them on a drying rack.

  He doesn’t say a thing but his presence has a calming effect on me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s the same vibe I get from Charlie. Maybe it’s because he’s a friend.

  I’m busy wiping the sink out when Miles op
ens the fridge.

  “I’m more of a juice person,” he says. He pours himself a glass of orange juice and then looks at me. I can see the silent question.

  I nod, moving closer to him. I watch as he pours a second glass. “Thank you.” I take the glass and take a huge sip before saying, “I’m also more of a juice person.”

  He gives me a caring smile which settles somewhere in the ruins of my heart.

  He rinses his glass out and then starts to walk to his office. “Same time tomorrow night.”

  A smile creeps around my lips. It feels nice knowing I have a friend here.

  Miles is a small glimmer of light shining into my darkness, just like Charlie … just like Griffin.

  Griffin~

  It’s become a nightly routine for Riley to pack away the dishes. Miles makes a point of helping, and they seem to be getting along alright.

  When she’s done with the dishes, she always comes to my office and we go sit by the lake.

  I now understand why she likes to stare at the water. It’s calming out there.

  We’ve been doing this for a week now.

  Seven days of finding no answers.

  Seven days, and I’m no closer to finding out what the hell went wrong.

  The nights are rapidly getting colder now that winter is around the corner.

  “Winter is coming,” I say, not sure how to handle this subject.

  “Yeah, it’s starting to get cold.” She rubs over her arms and I can see her shivering.

  “Come on, let’s go inside.” I get up and for a moment she just looks up at me. I take a silent breath as she gets up. I might just have a replacement for the lake. I can kick my own ass for not thinking of it sooner.

  We walk through the house and I can feel her curious gaze as we walk through the living room. I open a door to what used to be a dining area. Now it’s just an empty room.

  I should actually check if the monitors work on this side of the house.

  Another door leads us to the destination.

  “Uhm …” I hear her hesitant intake of breath. “I don’t dance.”

  I chuckle and walk over to the panel against the wall. “Come stand here.” I wait for her to join me and then press the button.