All In The Family

by Roseanne Dowell

  Callie’s grandmother greeted her at the door. “How’s the new Police Chief?” Gram’s smile beamed with pride. One thing she’d give Gram credit for, she was proud of her children and grandchildren.

  “I’m doing well.” Callie hugged and kissed her. “How are you?”

  “Ah, you know how it is. Busy. Jim Landry thinks I should retire.”

  “Maybe you should. Take life easy. You’ve certainly earned it.” Callie suppressed a grin. Truth be known, Jim Landry was sweet on Gram.

  “And just what would I do with my time?” Gram put her hands on her hips and frowned at Callie. “You young people think everything is solved by retiring.”

  “Well, you could travel. Or you could spend more time with Jim.”

  Gram waved her hand, but Callie caught the blush on her cheeks before she turned away. “Posh. What makes you think I need to spend more time with Jim?”

  “Well you’re always telling me I should get married. Maybe you should consider it.”

  “I was married, remember? And to a very good man. No way could I replace him. Get married, the very idea.”

  “Gramps has been gone a long time, Gram. And Jim’s every bit as good. He’s sweet on you, you know.”

  Commotion from the other room saved Gram from answering. Callie followed her into the living room.

  Aunt Beatrice Lulu sat in the middle of the floor. Everyone stared open mouthed, looking scared to speak.

  “What in the hell are you doing on the floor?” Gram covered her mouth to keep from laughing. “Are you okay? Do I need to call 911?”

  “No. You don’t need to call 911. Help me up, for God’s sake.”

  “What the hell are you doing on the floor to begin with?”

  “I fell. What does it look like?” Aunt Beatrice Lulu took the hand Gram offered.

  “I can see that. But what happened?”

  At that moment, Aunt Beatrice Lulu spotted Callie. Oh boy, here it came. Her nasally voice grated on Callie’s nerves. Okay, it wasn’t her fault, adenoids or something caused it, but it was still annoying. Sometimes Callie thought her aunt exaggerated it. Maybe she didn’t, but right now it sounded worse than usual, and Callie wasn’t in the mood to listen to her, even if she sounded normal.

  Why couldn’t everyone just let her live her life? What made them think they could tell her what to do? Aunt Beatrice Lulu wasn’t the only one. Oh no, Callie’s mother, her sister, heck even Jim Landry weighed in on what she should do with her life or what man she should meet. Everyone was always setting her up with blind dates.

  Beatrice Lulu. What kind of name was that anyway? And don’t anyone dare shorten it to Aunt Bea or Aunt Beatrice. Oh, no. It had to be the whole name, or everyone would catch what for.

  Callie remembered when she was little-she called her Aunt Bea once. Wasn’t that what Opie Taylor on Andy Griffith reruns called his aunt? Callie thought it was cute. Lord above, you’d of thought she’d put a curse on her aunt or something. She thought she’d never hear the end of it.

  That woman ranted and raved for almost an hour about how her name was Beatrice Lulu, not Bea, not Beatrice. It was the name she was born with, the name she was christened, and the name she’d die with. It’s the name she expected people to use. Obviously she was proud of her name, but did she have to go on so? Callie never made that mistake again. No, ma’am. From then on she used her whole name and so did everyone else. All except Uncle Ed, that is.

  Callie would never forget when her aunt met Uncle Ed. She about fell out of her chair laughing. Aunt Beatrice Lulu stood there staring at him like she wanted to bash him over the head or something.

  Uncle Ed is a big man. Big--like six feet six or more. Most people are overwhelmed by his height. A giant of a man, he towered over everyone and his shoulders, lord above, they were almost as wide as the doorway. And he had this loud, bellowing voice that vibrated off the walls and back at you. His black curly hair fell in a curl on his forehead, and bushy dark eyebrows sat above the roundest, darkest blue eyes Callie’d ever seen. His straight nose, mustache, square jaw, and creases at the corner of his eyes, as well as his tan, gave him a rugged appearance. Sexy. Ruggedly handsome. Magnum PI or the Marlboro Man.

  Aunt Beatrice Lulu didn’t look impressed. Not that Uncle Ed noticed. He just walked right up to her. “Well, aren’t you a pretty little thing?” he said. “Bet you got a pretty name to match.”

  Callie’d never heard anyone refer to her aunt as pretty before. Or little. Nothing about her aunt was little. Okay, she wasn’t huge, but suffice to say she had some added bulk. Nothing Callie’d call pretty about her. Aunt Beatrice Lulu’s nose was too big for her face, her lips too small, and her squinty dark brown, almost black, eyes looked beady at best. She pulled her mousy brown hair so tight into a bun on top of her head-Callie swore it pulled every wrinkle out of her face. She usually sat with her arms crossed over her ample bosom and resting on her paunchy stomach. Nope, nothing pretty about her. Portly, but not pretty. Obviously, Uncle Ed thought differently.

  He stood there, admiring her, and she continued to glare at him. “Well, sweetheart, do you have a name or not?”

  “I do, and it’s definitely not sweetheart.” She harrumphed and turned away, looking at everyone and everything but him.

  Uncle Ed wasn’t going to be put off. Oh no, not him. He put his big hands on her shoulders and turned her right back around to face him. “Now, why you wanna be rude like that? I just asked your name.”

  The room grew deathly quiet. Everyone focused on Aunt Beatrice Lulu and held their breath, Callie included. No one talked to her aunt that way, and they sure as heck didn’t touch her. She just stood there. Speechless. Callie’d never seen the woman speechless before.

  “You going to tell me your name, or do I got to ask these other folks?”

  “Beatrice Lulu.” Her mouth curved upwards in a slight smile. Aunt Beatrice Lulu hardly ever smiled. “Beatrice Lulu Roberts.”

  “Well, now Bea, was that so hard?” He moved his left hand to her check and stroked it.

  Aunt Beatrice Lulu flinched from the touch. “I said my name is Beatrice Lulu, not Bea.”

  Uncle Ed let out a big hardy laugh. “Ain’t nobody called by their full name these days. What you think people got time to say Beatrice Lulu?” he dragged out the last syllable and slid his finger along her cheek toward her lips. “You think people got nothing better to do or talk about. They gotta waste time calling you by your full name? My name’s Edgar Leroy Eberhardt, but do people call me that? Hell no, they call me Eddie or Ed. And that’s what you can call me.”

  Aunt Beatrice Lulu pushed his hand away, planted her hands on her hips, and tapped her foot.

  Uh, oh, Callie thought, here it comes.

  “Well, Mr. Eberhardt, if you don’t like calling me by my full name, fine. Don’t! Don’t call me nothing. In fact, don’t talk to me at all. Think I care? My name is Beatrice Lulu.” She started her rant. “It’s the name I was born with…”

  Next think Callie knew, Uncle Ed pulled her aunt against him and kissed her right on the lips. The whole room let out a gasp. Callie thought she cursed. Someone said, oh hell. Might well have been her. The shock of the moment sent everyone agape.

  Finally, he pulled away. Not that Aunt Beatrice Lulu resisted. Not once did she try to push him away. Nope, in fact, she leaned into him and put her arms around him. “Well, now,” he said. “How about you and I go get some dinner, Bea.”

  Callie’d never seen her aunt so flustered, let alone speechless. She just stood there staring at him. Everyone held their breath waiting for her usual angry outburst.

  “Oh, dear…” She patted her hair as if it were out of place. “Where would you like to go, Ed?”

  That was it. No rant. No rave. Just complete surrender and off they went. That’s how their relationship began. Not six months later, they married. Never thought they’d see the day Aunt Beatrice Lulu met her match. Of course, Uncle Ed called her Bea, but he was the o
nly one allowed to call her that. She remained Beatrice Lulu to everyone else.

  “There’s someone I want you to meet, Callie.”

  “I don’t have time to meet anyone, I’m too busy.”

  “But, this one’s different, Callie.”

  As usual, Aunt Beatrice Lulu found the perfect man. Right! Callie’d met those perfect men before. Not one of them lived up to her aunt’s description, and not just physically. Sincere, trustworthy, considerate. Ha, the first one turned out to be a crook, the second was married, and the last one so egotistical he didn’t even like himself.

  No thank you. Callie had had enough of Aunt Beatrice’s men. In fact, she’d had enough of blind dates to last a lifetime.

  “I swear. I checked him out personally.”

  “No, thanks, Aunt Beatrice Lulu. That’s what you said last time.” In fact, that’s what her aunt said every time. Callie wasn’t having any of it. Why didn’t she just go home to Uncle Ed and leave her alone? She wasn’t looking for a man.

  “You don’t want to end up like me, do you, Callie? An old maid?”

  “You’re not an old maid. You’re married.”

  “Well, I darned near wasn’t. If it weren’t for Uncle Ed where do you think I’d be right now?”

  Callie sighed. This was hopeless, her aunt wasn’t going to be quiet. She had no choice. She had to tell them all. “I met someone.”

  That’s all Callie needed to say, they crowded around her as if she’d made some big, important announcement. Naturally they all wanted to know the same thing.

  “Who is he?”

  “Where did you meet him?”

  “When did you meet him?”

  “What’s he like?”

  “How old is he?”

  They all spoke at once. Callie plopped down on the nearest chair and proceeded to answer them. Heck, she didn’t even know if she’d have another date with William. But it beat meeting another of Aunt Beatrice Lulu’s perfect men.

  They were relentless. All through dinner the questions continued. What did he look like? Where did he live? What kind of work did he do? Callie could barely answer them. She didn’t know that much about William. She couldn’t wait to get out of there. If ever she wished for a call, now was the time. Of course, now that she would have welcomed a call, none were forthcoming. At least not until well after dinner, when she was ready to leave anyway.

  Chapter 9

  “Now you just lie here, and I’ll take good care you. You need anything, call me. Don’t try to get up.” Aunt Beatrice Lulu fluffed the pillow.

  “That’s not necessary, Aunt Beatrice Lulu I can use the crutches.”

  Her aunt smoothed the blanket and pushed a strand of hair off Callie’s face. “Right. That’s why you’re here. Don’t be invidious, Callie.”

  Her aunt liked to use big words when she wanted to make a point. Callie sighed and leaned back. She couldn’t win. Not sure why she tried. Thing is, Callie hated depending on anyone, especially her aunt. Two weeks here was sure to drive her crazy. Two freaking weeks off her feet would drive her nuts. Putting up with Aunt Beatrice Lulu would definitely put her over the edge. She’d end up in the nut house for sure. Worst part is, it might be longer than two weeks. Depended what the MRI showed, and they couldn’t even do that until the swelling went down.

  Callie had never been one to lie around. Even as a kid, she’d always kept busy. How was she going to pass the time? Aunt Beatrice continued to fuss with the blankets and pillow. Thank goodness Uncle Ed came in, followed by her aunt’s cat, Floozy who jumped up on the bed and curled up next to Callie. Her purring was somewhat soothing at least.

  “Now, Bea, leave the girl alone. Can’t you see she’s in pain? She don’t need you fussing over her.”

  “Of course she does, Ed. Everyone needs fussing over.”

  Callie laid back and closed her eyes. Sleep. If she could just sleep, maybe they’d go away and leave her alone.

  “Come on, Bea. She needs to rest. Leave her alone now.”

  Callie opened her eyes and mouthed thank you when her aunt turned her back. Uncle Ed winked at her. Thank goodness she had an ally. Maybe in a couple days she could go back to work. She’d never last two weeks without working. Surely she could do some paper work. Poor Jim had to cancel his vacation.

  Besides, she’d like to know who the hell attacked her. Jim and the guys were investigating, but damn it, it was her case. How did they expect her to sit still while some creep was out there doing god knows what. Not to mention, she’d like to know why he attacked her. Wasn’t like she was doing anything. Coming out of the office walking to her car. On her way home from a busy day.

  Out of the clear blue sky this guy came charging at her. Callie didn’t even have time to move. Bastard knocked her backwards into a stairwell. Worst part, she couldn’t identify him, except to say he wore a black hooded sweatshirt – hoodie the kids called them. Never did see his face. Couldn’t even tell how tall he was. He crouched down and tackled.

  Excruciating pain in her back and knee almost made her pass out. Thankfully, her back returned to normal, but the damn knee still hurt like hell. Somehow it twisted in the fall. God knows when they’d be able to do the MRI. Not until the swelling went down they said. Great. Like she could lie around and wait. And damn if her aunt didn’t put the stupid crutches across the room.

  Callie sat up and pushed the blanket aside. The house was quiet. Either her aunt and uncle were in the kitchen, or they went outside. Maybe on the patio. Although she had a feeling her aunt wasn’t that far away. She eased her legs over the side of the bed. Thank goodness the pain medication had kicked in. She stood, looked around, and listened. Still no sound. Only one way to do this. Se hopped on her good leg, stopped, listened, then did it again. If Aunt Beatrice Lulu heard her hopping, she’d be in here in a flash. So far so good. She was almost there. One more hop should do it.

  Aunt Beatrice Lulu’s nasally voice came from the doorway. She stood there like a drill sergeant. “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  Callie took a breath, reached out, and grabbed the crutches. “Going to the bathroom. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to do it in privacy.”

  “That’s fine, but I’ll be damned if you’re gonna hobble around here on crutches. Stay right there!” She left the room only to return a moment later with a wheelchair. “Get in.”

  “Good lord above, I don’t need a damn wheelchair.”

  “Don’t be insolent. You’re in my care. You’ll do things my way.”

  No point arguing. Callie couldn’t win. She sat down in the chair. If her aunt had left the crutches within reach, she could have been to the bathroom and back again. Damn bathroom was right across the hall. She wasn’t an invalid.

  “I’d like to sit in the living room, if you don’t mind,” Callie said when she hopped out of the bathroom.

  Aunt Beatrice Lulu motioned to the chair. “Fine. Would you like some tea?”

  Callie sat and tried to push herself into the living room. Aunt Beatrice Lulu wasn’t having any of that.

  “I could use my arms or my good leg to maneuver the chair.”

  “How many times I have to tell you, we do things my way around here.”

  “Fine, I’d rather have coffee or something cold if you’ve got it. A soda maybe.”

  Her aunt stopped the chair next to the end table and locked the brake. “Would you like a sandwich or something?”

  “No, just something to drink will be fine.”

  “You really should eat, Callie. You’re skinny as a rail. Trouble with you young people today. You don’t eat worth a damn.”

  No point answering. Her aunt didn’t always need an answer. Sometimes she talked just to hear herself. Callie picked up a magazine from the table and leafed through it. Not much of interest in it. All about how to decorate and such. Too bad Aunt Beatrice Lulu didn’t follow some of the tips.

  Her house was the gaudiest place Callie had ever seen. Bright red
drapes at the windows, sunny yellow walls and grass green carpet. Nothing toned down about this place. The kitchen was almost as bad. Burnt orange walls, old fashioned avocado appliances and sink and bright blue countertop. Callie swore you needed sunglasses in here. Not her style, but it fit Aunt Beatrice Lulu. Fit her personality. At least the bedroom she was in wasn’t as bad. Purple walls with soft green sheer curtains on the windows and plum carpeting. The quilt was a mixture of the three colors on a white background. Really kind of pretty.

  Her aunt’s room, on the other hand was decorated in primary colors on the walls with red carpet on the floor. Definitely not restful. How anyone could fall asleep in there was beyond her. Callie often wondered what Uncle Ed thought of the place. Not that she ever heard him complain. He only had eyes for her aunt. The woman absolutely mesmerized him. Yet, he had the upper hand in most decisions. She’d never seen Aunt Beatrice Lulu bend to anyone the way she did Uncle Ed. The woman absolutely waited on that man hand and foot and treated him like a king. Callie had a feeling if he complained about the rooms; she’d change them in a heartbeat. Obviously, he never had. Not to say, she’d changed completely. On occasion, her aunt took a stand and nothing Uncle Ed said would change her mind. Like when she wanted to go to the casino. Uncle Ed didn’t agree with gambling. A waste of money, he said. But her aunt wouldn’t bend and to the casino they went. Lost over a hundred dollars much to Uncle Ed’s regret. But her aunt was happy and that’s all that counted.

  Aunt Beatrice returned with a soda and a sandwich followed by Aunt Ethel. “Here, eat this.” She set the soda on the table and pushed the plate into Callie’s hand.

  Callie didn’t have a choice. She bit into it.

  “Good! I’ll fatten you up in no time.”

  Like she needed fattened up. Lord, spare her bossy people. Not even an hour and she was ready to scream. She’d never make a week. She did have to say, Aunt Beatrice Lulu made an excellent chicken salad sandwich. From what she remembered, her aunt was a darn good cook. Callie might be in trouble. Some foods she just couldn’t resist.