by Baker, LJ
The next couple days passed with a blur. I went to training, had lunch with Hadley, did my one-on-one session with Janet, went to the infirmary to help out, even though my time there was up, and fell exhausted into bed to spend the night dreaming about Will’s death. Every day that passed chipped away at what little hope I had left that Will would return in one piece. Janet insisted that I was worrying too much and that he would be fine, but that was easy for her to say. Her boyfriend was safe and sound, back on base, while Will’s group hadn’t been heard from in close to forty-eight hours.
Nurse Sue gave me looks every time I showed up at the infirmary and she stopped giving me jobs to do. We both knew my time was up, but hanging out with Jack was one of the few times of the day I could let some of the anxiety go and just take a breath.
“Andi, your game is shit tonight. Not that you don’t suck almost every other night too, but tonight you’re especially bad. You wanna talk about it?” Jack laid his cards down and pushed the rolling table away.
“Sorry.” I added my cards to the pile and stuffed them back into the box. “The other day, Hadley asked me what I would do if Will didn’t come back.”
“And?”
“I guess I was thinking about that.”
“Listen, your guy is gonna be back, so quit thinking like that. But if for some reason he don’t make it, you and me can run away together. You’re a little skinny for my tastes, but a man can’t be too choosy in these times.”
I rolled my eyes and got up to put the cards away. “Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure old Nurse Sue in there might want a go at you. You notice she’s been wearing eye shadow the last three nights?”
“Yeah and that ain’t for me. Suzie Fluzie in there has been sneaking Lieutenant Sloan in the back room every night this week.”
I held my hand up to my mouth in pretend dramatics. “The scandal.”
“She thinks she can pump us full of sleeping pills out here and we won’t hear her whimpering like a wounded animal in there.”
A flash of Nurse Sue doing the nasty with Sloan went through my head, and I thought I might throw up a little in my mouth. “I really didn’t need that visual.”
“No reason I need to suffer alone.”
“You’re such a friend, Jack.”
“Damn right I am.” Jack slouched down in bed and yawned. “Can’t say much for you though. Can’t ya’ see an old man needs his beauty rest?”
“Yeah, yeah.” I rolled my eyes. “Just kick me out.”
Nurse Sue peered around the corner from her office and shot me her ‘okay, it’s time to go now’ look.
I gathered my bag and tucked the blanket in around Jack. “All right, fine. I’ll go.”
“You better be back tomorrow.”
I shrugged. “Might as well. I have nowhere else to go.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek and headed out the door.
I was joking, but still it was true. I really didn’t have anywhere else to go. I wanted to have more friends, or even be able to spend time alone without worrying myself into nausea, but there was nothing I could do about it.
After six days of Will being gone, the exhaustion grew bigger than my anxiety. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. If I dreamed of swarms of undead attacking Will and ripping him to pieces that night, I didn’t remember. By day seven, I was living in Hell. Some of the groups started to return after the fifth day. They were exhausted and beaten down, many were wounded, and a few didn't return at all. I spent just about every waking moment training or practicing so next time I could go out with Will, unless we left.
Nothing more suspicious seemed to be happening around the base, but I still wasn't convinced there wasn't something sketchy going on. I tried to drop in and visit with Jack each day, but Nurse Sue hovered around as if she was afraid to leave us alone. Jack's infection was clearing up nicely, so he would be out of the infirmary soon enough and we could talk.
Janet checked every day to see if Will's group checked in or was headed back. We hadn’t heard anything the previous few days, and I could tell that even Janet was starting to worry. If Janet was worried, it had to be bad. I had to do something to keep my mind off the dread that grew in the pit of my stomach. I almost wished Janet held training sessions seven days a week instead of six. I found myself knocking on Hadley's door, not even realizing that was where I was headed.
"Andi, so nice to see you. Please come in."
She was dressed in one of her usual long sundresses and oversized sunglasses, even though the room was dark and chilly. It was still technically summer but the temperature at night was more like late autumn.
"What's with the shades, Hadley?"
"They are meant to block the light. Have you not tried sunglasses?" She tilted her head and furrowed her eyebrows. She was being serious.
"Um, yes. Of course I've had sunglasses, but it's not bright in here. Actually ..." I looked around the room and noticed she didn't even have the lamp on. "It's kind of dark in here."
"Oh, right.” She switched the lamp on and took off the glasses.
The girl was weird. There was no denying that.
"So, how's the teacup collection?" I ran my finger over the shelf her cups sat on.
"You did not really come here to speak of teacups, did you?" She flopped down onto an overstuffed chair in the corner. I could have sworn it was not there the last time I was in her room.
"I guess not. I just needed a distraction."
"No word from Will, I am guessing."
I shook my head and sat on the edge of her bed. I fought the urge to cry hearing those words. That would come later when I was alone.
"Sometimes the path we must walk is long and must be traveled alone. Even when others are by our side, there is no one with us."
I understood very little of what Hadley said in general, but sometimes were worse than others. "Is that from a book or something?"
"No. It is just a statement of fact."
I shook my head. "Uh, okay."
Hadley got up and walked over to me. I thought for a moment she was going to sit on the bed next to me, but instead she kneeled in front of me and took my hands into hers. "I know you are worried, and none of this seems fair to you, but you will find what you need. You just have to go out and look for it."
"Go out and look for what? What are you even talking about?" I pulled my hands from hers and stood up. Hadley's weirdness was too much for me in that moment.
She walked over to her dresser, switched on the light, and pulled out a small box. "There is something I want to give to you, Andi."
Inside the box was a ring. She walked back over to me and placed it in my hand then closed my fingers around it. "This should help with your journey."
I opened my hand and looked over the ring. My heart sped up and my legs trembled. After holding the ring up to the light, I read the inscription, 'Bob and Lena, Forever'. The ring belonged to Will. It was his father’s, and he rarely took it off.
"How did you get this?" My voice was low, barely above a whisper, though in my head, it sounded like a scream.
"One of the soldiers brought it back. He said it belonged to Will. He needed something from me, and I received the ring in trade."
"No. That can't be. Will doesn't take that ring off. He wouldn't have lost it. Who gave it to you?"
She shrugged. "One of the soldiers."
My voice returned and matched the screams in my head. "What do you mean, one of the soldiers? Which one of them? You must know who gave it to you. Hadley, I need to know his name."
"I am sorry. I do not know his name. I shall find out if I see him." She started to hum her usual creepy tune.
My legs nearly collapsed under me as I sat on her bed and dropped my head into my hands. Will wouldn't just take that ring off, and if he didn't take it off then ...
There was a loud knock on the door, and Hadley jumped up to answer it. "I am sorry Andi. I was not expecting guests."
"Hadley, you have to he
lp me." The voice on the other side of the door was frantic. It wasn't anyone I recognized, but I wasn't paying that much attention anyway. All my thoughts were fuzzy and swirling around in my head, jumbled.
"I have another guest right now, Stephanie. Can this wait until tomorrow?"
"Please ..." she begged.
Without even thinking, I rose from the bed and walked out the door. The woman backed out of the way to let me through.
"Andi, hold on. We were not finished," she called down the hall after me, but I continued to walk.
I made it down the hall to my room and locked the door behind me. At least I had the sense to manage that much. I sat down on the bed and opened my hand to look at the ring once again. I couldn’t imagine Will intentionally taking it off. It was the only thing he held on to from his life before and it meant a lot to him. It didn’t make sense. Nothing about the week made sense. I closed my eyes hard and tried to convince myself that it was all a dream. That I when I opened them again, everything would go back to normal, or my new version of normal, and Will would be there, ring on his finger, smiling down at me.
I opened my eyes and glanced around the empty room. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. An empty cold filled me and the room. Something deep inside told me nothing would ever be the same again. I spread my fingers apart and looked down at the gold ring sitting against my palm. It sparkled against the harsh light of the LED lantern and burned its presence into me.
Will was gone. Not even heard from in days, and the ring he never took off was sitting in my hand. I wanted to believe there was a good explanation for the ring to return without him. To believe that even though he may have run into some trouble, he was all right. He would be back. I looked back down at the ring and felt a thousand knives stab into my chest. The thought of there not being a good reason caused me too much pain. Real, actual, physical pain. The pain was good though. Pain I could understand. Plus, it kept away the tears.
I unclasped the dog tags Janet gave me when I signed up for the training program and slipped the ring onto the chain. The cold metal sat against my chest and reminded me that none of it was a dream. All the awful things I worried about, the things everyone told me were silly to worry about, may very well be true. I climbed back on the bed and wrapped the blanket around me. It still smelled of Will, and I wasn’t sure if I found that to be comforting or more painful. Or maybe a little of both.
I leaned back against the pillows and listened to the pounding of my heart against my chest. It told me that I was still alive, despite the numbness that spread over me from the growing hole in my chest that threatened to swallow my heart whole.
Chapter Nine
I slept through both the morning wake up bell, as well as the breakfast bell. The bell that signaled the end of breakfast woke me with a start, and I jumped out of bed so fast I nearly fell over my own feet. I tossed and turned all night, not even falling asleep for hours after I got in bed. It was hard not to think Will was dead, or something like dead. By the time the sky started to pink up from the start of sunrise, I convinced myself he was alive and there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for the ring making it back without him. By the time that last bell went off and I made it to my feet, my hope was fading fast.
The truth was, the second he drove through that gate, I felt like it would be the last time I’d see him. I didn’t want to believe he was dead, but I couldn’t help at least thinking the odds were against him. Either way though, I had to know. If Will was alive, I needed to find him, to know how he lost that ring. If he was dead, or not quite dead, he needed to be put to rest. The idea that Will could be out there somewhere, mindless wandering, focused on his next human meal, caused me more pain than the idea of him being dead in the first place. I had to know.
I thought a lot about what Hadley said. Sure, she was probably a little crazy, but that didn't mean she wasn't right. Maybe I did need to go on a journey. The first thing I needed to do was talk to Janet. I had to show her the ring and see what she thought. Maybe she would be able to shed some light on how it got back without him, or what the next step should be.
After I threw on some clothes and brushed my teeth, I ran down to the training area, hoping to catch Janet before the other girls arrived. Debbie and Donna were meandering up the hill when I dashed past them. They snickered and yelled something I wasn't paying attention to. They were insignificant at that moment, and I didn't care what they had to say.
Janet was setting up some targets by the time I got up there, and she smiled when she saw me running over.
"Nice to see you enthusiastic to get started, for a change."
"I wanted to talk to you before everyone got here." I pulled the ring from under my t-shirt collar and held it out to her.
"What's that?" She raised an eyebrow as she looked over the ring.
"It's Will's. Look at the inscription. You know he never takes that off. Janet, something must have happened to him. I think we should go out and look for him. He might need help."
"Andi, calm down. There could be a hundred reasons why Will isn't wearing that ring. How did you get it if he never takes it off?" She put her hand on my shoulder to sooth me, but it wasn't working.
"No." I pushed her hand away. "There can't be a hundred reasons. Hadley got it from one of the soldiers who just got back. She wasn't sure which one, but I was thinking you might be able to find out since you know some of them. Maybe you could have them ask around and figure out which one it was so we could see if he knows something, at least where Will was last seen." I was talking too fast and I tried to catch my breath.
Janet put both hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. "Will is okay. I don't know how he lost that ring, but you need to take a breath.”
“You don’t know that.”
"No, but I choose to believe it. Most of the casualties have been radioed in. I think we would have heard something by now if it was bad news. Bear is out there with him. He knows what Will means to me. He would have told me if something bad happened.”
Janet’s calmness did little to put me at ease. In fact, it had the opposite effect. I felt like I couldn’t take in a full breath. The other girls were gathering around us and whispering, but I didn't care. I clutched the ring in my hand and twisted it around in my fingers.
“Look, let’s just get through practice and we can go find a radio. We will hunt someone down and try to get some answers. Okay?”
I nodded. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was okay. Either way, I would force myself through one more practice, and then we would try to get some answers.
Janet assembled the girls at the targets and gave me a few minutes to collect myself before I joined them. One of the girls, Ashley, a stocky brunette who seemed to get along with everyone she met, elbowed me when the others weren't looking.
"Hey, you okay?"
"Not really.”
"I know the other girls give you a hard time, but ya know, if you ever wanna talk, I'm here." She gave me a sympathetic smile.
"Thanks, Ashley. I appreciate that."
I didn't really expect that, but it was nice. Ashley was well liked among the other girls and if she was nice to me, I knew the other girls would lighten up. Well, maybe not Debbie and Donna, but I was so over those two at that point.
"Let's go, girls. We have a lot of work today." Janet snapped her fingers, and the first three hours of torture began.
“So, what are we covering today?" I pulled a canteen from my bag and chugged half the water. Janet worked the group nonstop the whole three hours, and I was already exhausted. Derek called her over a few times, and they talked about something that looked serious. I hoped it wasn’t bad news about Will, but at that point, that was exactly where my mind was going.
"I thought we'd skip the one-on-one today. I have something else in mind."
"Such as finding a radio?" It wasn't like Janet to skip an opportunity to torture me.
"Just shut up and grab your shit. You'll se
e when we get there." She started off down the hill in her usual long stride. I had to jog to keep up with her.
"You think maybe you could slow down just a bit? You did just kick my ass in training."
"You think you will ever grow out of this whining? It's not my fault you’re short." She picked up her pace, intentionally, I was sure.
Some things never change.
It looked like we were headed for the front gate. I hadn't been back that way since the day we arrived. There were more guards, and the fence on either side of the gate looked like it had been reinforced.
"Are we … going somewhere?" I eyed the gate and the armed guards along the perimeter.
Janet smiled and walked over to the small guard shed to talk to a tall man with dark hair smoking a cigarette.
"Holden, how ya been?" She smacked him on the arm, and he laughed.
"Janet, my love. Where have you been hiding?"
"Been keeping busy training the new girls." She shook her head. "You wouldn't believe this group."
"And who is this here with you?" He waved a hand in my direction.
"This is Andi, Will's girlfriend." She winked at Holden, and he gave her a knowing look.
"Very nice to meet you." He held out a hand, and Janet snickered. As soon as I reached out to take his hand, he pulled me into a tight hug and lifted me off the ground. "You are one of the family now."
"Um, okay," I squeaked out and tried to breathe as he crushed me against him.
"Okay, let the girl go. You know how far out they are?"
"I'll check." He ran over to the guys at the front of the gate and talked for a minute.
"What's up with him?"
Janet laughed. "He's probably heard a lot about you. He was on mission with Will last week."
"Oh." Will hardly ever talked about what went on out there. He usually came back quiet and changed somehow. But I guess that was what war did to a person, and we were at war.
