Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  “I can tell that something is going on inside that beautiful brain of yours. Care to share with the rest of the table?”

  I tried to pull my hand away put but it was my right hand. He wasn’t holding on to me tightly, but he was holding on tight enough that I couldn’t muster the strength to break contact. From the look in his eyes, he knew exactly what he was doing.

  “I was just thinking that I have a lot to do today at the house and that we should probably eat quickly.” The funny thing about lying to someone who knows you as well as Brad knows me is that most of the time it doesn’t work. When it does, you can almost see the miracle before you. When he pulled his hand away and waved over the waiter, I think my jaw almost hit the table in disbelief.

  On our way to my house after lunch is when things got a little weird. He wasn’t talking, the radio was filling the uncomfortable silence for us. Both of his hands were on the steering wheel, and he was gripping it for dear life. Normally, one hand would be on the wheel and the other would be resting on the shifter. He wasn’t making eye contact or even glancing in my direction. I’m pretty sure his eyes never left the road in front of him. Not to mention I could feel the tension in the air but I just wasn’t sure I wanted to say anything.

  About a mile from my house, he pulled the car over and cut the engine. He still hadn’t look in my direction and he still wasn’t talking, but I could feel the tension mounting, and I knew that things were about to explode. A minute went by with nothing said. Then five. After ten minutes, I was thinking about getting out and walking the rest of the way home. As I was about to pull the handle on the door and let myself out is when he finally spoke.

  “When did they tell you?”

  I knew what he was eluding to. Playing dumb was the way I decided to go. “Tell me what?”

  He did a full body turn in his seat to face me, but didn’t say anything for what felt like forever. He knew I was bluffing, and he was done dancing around the subject. He wanted a straight answer from me and was waiting for me to give it to him. Crap!

  “Last week.” It was all I could get out before I broke down and started to cry. I hadn’t shed a single tear for myself in over a month, and it felt like the flood gates just opened. Once I started, I wasn’t able to stop so we sat there. I’m not sure for how long, but at some point, Brad got out and came around to my side of the car and crawled in the passenger seat with me. He let me cry until I couldn’t cry anymore, and then he kissed away my remaining tears on my cheeks, my nose, and then my lips.

  Crap!

  Chapter 3

  My party was a lot of fun. Friends I hadn’t seen, people I had been avoiding, and my entire family was there. It was a great day. For a small amount of time, I was able to focus on something other than my shoulder. I was able to laugh freely, engage in meaningless conversations, and just enjoy myself. The only thing that was constantly trying to push its way into my mind were thoughts of Brad. He never showed his face at the party, and I think that he did it purposely.

  After cleaning up the next day, Ethan and I went out to dinner to celebrate alone. I wasn’t sure what my present was, but I wished he had given it to me last night with all of our friends and family around. It wouldn’t have taken any of the surprise away or made it any less special. I would have been able to share my excitement, my joy with everyone else. He doesn’t always see things that way so here we are at dinner, the day after my birthday, just so he can give me my present.

  The restaurant is filled to capacity as it always is. It’s become one of our favorites over the past couple of years, for more reasons than one. First, they take reservations so we never have to wait. Second, their entire dessert menu is chocolate so I never indulge. Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate as much as the next person, but I also know what it does to my figure if I eat it too often. These days, I don’t have much to stay in shape for but old habits die hard. Maybe I’ll indulge tonight?

  Finally, everything is tapas. We always order a variety of different things and share. I love tapas restaurants because you are not stuck deciding between entrees. This way I get to have a little Ahi tuna, a little steak, maybe some chicken and the list can go on and on depending on what we order. Plus, with some of the menu being seasonal, they are constantly offering something new almost every time we visit.

  Our table is towards the back of the restaurant tonight. It’s quiet and cozy, and couldn’t be more romantic. It’s perfect for my birthday dinner, and reminds me of how much I love Ethan. As much as I hate going out and as much as I hate celebrating these days, he always knows exactly how to lift my mood.

  “This is perfect, just like you.” I reach across the table and put my hand over his. He intertwines our finger and smiles. His smile reaches his eyes, and even in the dim lighting, I can see his dimple wink at me.

  “I’m glad you like it. I called the restaurant last week and had them prepare a few special things for us tonight that I hope you enjoy.”

  “Really? They can do that?”

  “They were able to accommodate me, let’s just leave it at that.”

  “Okay...”

  “No questions, lets just enjoy and celebrate you.”

  Turning twenty-one is a huge milestone for most people. I felt like I turned twenty-one when Ethan did. We no longer had to hunt for people to buy us beer. I no longer felt like I was breaking the law when we had wine with dinner. When Ethan turned twenty-one, it took all the fun out of me turning twenty-one.

  Maybe not all the fun. As the waiter approaches our table, I realized that for the first time, I am able to order a drink with my dinner. My face must have lit up because I can see Ethan’s dimple winking at me again. I try to hide my smile from the waiter but it didn’t work, and when he asks for my ID, I gladly handed over my new license.

  “Well, that was different. I forgot that I would be able to have a drink with dinner.”

  “It’s exciting the first time, knowing that your documentation proves that you are legal. Remember how they didn’t even card me, and I was practically pushing my license in his hands?”

  “Yeah. That was pretty funny.” I remember that moment like it happened yesterday, and as I start to laugh, picturing it vividly, the waiter from that night comes to mind. “Oh my god, it’s the same waiter, isn’t it?”

  “Yep. I specifically requested him.”

  “Why?”

  “To teach him a lesson, I guess. I didn’t tell his boss that he didn’t card me because that could get him in trouble, but I made sure that his boss knew that I wanted him to card you since we were celebrating your twenty-first. I don’t think he remembers us.”

  I could see the waiter trying to make his way back to our table through the crowd. He was holding the tray with our drinks on it above his head, and for a minute I thought that he might spill my wine. I knew that I could order another glass, but this glass was special. He set our drinks down and excused himself. Ethan lifted his glass for a toast and I followed suit. That’s when I realized what was going on.

  I could barely make it out in the dim lighting but in my heart I knew what was about to happen. The shock on my face registered with Ethan immediately as he dropped to one knee in front of me and grabbed my free hand. I could see in his eyes that he was nervous.

  “Yes.” I whispered it so softly that I wasn’t sure I had even said it. I know that my lips moved and I felt the air that had passed them, but I didn’t actually hear myself say anything. Judging by the expression on Ethan’s face, he heard me loud and clear.

  “You know, I’m supposed to ask you first. You’re stealing my thunder here.” He’s chuckling, but I still can’t erase the shock from my face. I want to laugh with him. I want to smile. The only emotion I can feel right now is pure shock.

  I forced myself to smile at him, but I still can’t muster any words. I am truly speechless. I always thought that someday, we would grow up, get married, settle down, and have a house full of kids (or maybe just two), but I didn’
t think forever was going to start so soon.

  Before I realized what’s going on, I can see that he’s emptied my wine glass and is pulling the ring from the bottom. He carefully, but quickly, dries it on my napkin and placed it at the tip of my left ring finger. I’m staring at the ring, and he’s staring at me.

  “Rebecca Blake, will you be my wife?”

  “Yes.” This time I heard it, and so did he. He slides the ring on my finger just as he kisses me deeply on the lips. I can hear clapping in the background, and even a few whistles. I didn’t realize that we had put on a show.

  Having dinner after getting engaged is surreal. I remembered ordering a few things and trying them. I remembered toasting to our life ahead. I even remembered asking the couple at the next table to take our picture with my phone. The entire time I felt like I was floating on air. It was as if I was watching the situation from behind a frosted glass window.

  When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I did was send my mom a picture of my ring. It was early, about seven, but she called only seconds after I hit send. I’m not sure who was more excited, but I think it may have been her. I could hear my sister yelling at her to be quiet in the background, so I sent the picture to her phone too. I heard her scream when she got the picture, and then she was on the phone instantly.

  “Wow! Congratulations, Sis.” Amy was practically screaming into the phone. I held it out far enough, away from my ear, that I could still hear her but not go deaf.

  “Thanks. I’m pretty excited too.”

  “Really? You don’t sound very excited.”

  Didn’t I? I was excited. I was thrilled. I was surprised. I certainly didn’t hesitate when he asked. There wasn’t conflicting thoughts going through my head as to what to say. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am excited.

  “I am excited but I think you might be more excited. I’ve had time to get over the shock and you just found out. Plus, I knew I wanted to marry Ethan. It was just a matter of when, and now I know it will be sooner rather than later.”

  “Wow! Rationalizing your engagement. You really need to let loose.”

  “Shut up and let me talk to Mom.”

  “Fine, but I get to be a bridesmaid.”

  “Of course. You can stand next to Natalie. Now can I please talk to Mom?”

  “Sure. Love you.”

  “You too.” As I waited for my mom to jump back on the line, I started to picture my wedding. Who was going to be in it? Who was my maid of honor? Where would we get married? What would I wear? What part would Brad play in all of it?

  “Hello!”

  “Sorry, Mom, lost in thought. So, are you okay with this? I don’t think he asked you or Dad, and I know that’s old-fashioned, but it still matters that we have your blessing.”

  “He asked both of us a while ago, so yes, you have our blessing.”

  “What? When?”

  “Well, I’ll let you ask him that.”

  “Fine. I have to study for an exam. Are you still coming over on Saturday night for Brad’s party?”

  “We will be there. Have you told him yet?”

  “No, but I will see him between classes tomorrow so I can tell him then.”

  “Okay, sweetie, good luck.”

  “Everything will be fine. He should have seen this coming, and I know he’ll be okay with it. Right?”

  “I don’t know that he’ll be okay with it, but he will find a way to accept it in time. That boy loves you almost as much as Ethan, maybe more.”

  “It’s a different kind of love, Mom.”

  “You’re right, it is different. It’s also deeper than any love I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, I know that Ethan loves you and that you love him, but Brad’s love is different, and as much as I want the two of you to stay friends forever, this might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.”

  She was right. He was gonna flip out on me. I have to tell him, it’s not an option, but I don’t know how. This could be the end of our friendship. I have finally chosen Ethan over Brad, for good. There was no chance for me to change my mind once we were married.

  “Thanks, Mom. I gotta go.”

  “Okay. Call me later if you want. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  I immediately dial Natalie’s number, hoping to catch her before she heads to work. I know that I need someone to talk to. I need someone to rationalize the situation with me. I need someone to tell me that Brad will take the news just fine. Natalie will be that person. She’s always that person. She’s the one that keeps us all moving forward. She’s the glue that keeps us all from falling apart.

  Voicemail. Crap!

  I didn’t leave a message. I stared at my phone, wondering who I can call now. I could just call Brad and break the news to him tonight. I contemplated that idea for less than a second when my phone rings, and Ella’s smiling face is staring at me. Perfect!

  “Hello.”

  “Becca! How are you?”

  “Good. Great actually. I was just about to call you. How are you?”

  “I’m doing great. I’m actually calling because I have some news.”

  “Really? I have some news too. You go first.”

  “Okay. Well, I’m engaged!”

  “Congrats! Me too!”

  “Seriously? Congrats!”

  Amazing. Ella had a hard time getting over Brad, but it never affected our relationship. I stayed out of it. When she moved back home to Michigan, it was almost like we became closer. She never told me what happened between them and I never asked. After a few months, she met a guy named Luke, and started dating him. Brad was long forgotten at that point.

  “I’m so happy for you, Ella. Luke is a good guy, and a very lucky one if you ask me.”

  “Yeah. So, Ethan finally asked you, huh? It took him long enough.”

  “Um, it’s been less than five years, which was the original plan in my mind.”

  “Yeah, but he bought that ring almost a year ago. I was beginning to wonder if something was going on that you weren’t telling me about.”

  What? Ethan bought my ring that long ago? I was confused.

  “Nope. Things are great.” At least they were until five seconds ago.

  “So, is that why you were calling?”

  “Yes and no.” Okay, just ask her what she thinks. She knows Brad as well as I do, maybe better since she dated him.

  “So, what’s up then? I can hear it in your voice. You’re not second guessing your decision are you?”

  “No! I love Ethan. I want to marry him.” I was talking louder than I wanted to. Ethan was in the house somewhere. He was possibly closer than I knew. I needed to keep that in mind.

  “Then what’s up with the uncertainty in your voice?”

  “Well, I was hoping you might help me out with something?”

  “Okay?”

  “Well, I haven’t told Brad yet and—”

  “No! I will not tell him for you.”

  “Not exactly what I was going to say. I would never ask you to do that for me. I was just wondering if I could ask you a question about him, but we never talk about him so I wasn’t sure if you would be okay with it.”

  I was rambling. I knew I was but I couldn’t help it. I was nervous. What if she didn’t want to talk about him?

  “Oh. That’s fine. What’s up?”

  “Well, my mom seems to think that my engagement will cause some tension in our relationship. I know that Brad and I have a very different relationship, but I think he will be fine once he gets use to the idea. What do you think?”

  I can hear her breathing. She’s quiet for a while and just as I’m about to say something, wondering if maybe she hung up at some point, she finally answers me.

  “I think that it’s time to tell you why Brad and I broke up.”

  Oh Crap!

  This cannot be good. I don’t know if I want to hear this. I don’t know if I can handle this. Like he knew I needed som
eone to rescue me, Ethan walks into the room and tells me that breakfast is ready.

  I quickly got off the phone with Ella, promising to call her as soon as I tell Brad.

  Chapter 4

  Studying was the last thing I was able to do last night. The only thing I could think about was how to “break the news” to Brad that Ethan and I were engaged. After overanalyzing the situation over and over again, I came to the conclusion that he was gonna freak out.

  I was well aware of the fact that our relationship was “unconventional” at best. I was aware that he probably still held feelings for me, and that those feelings were going to be crushed once he found out that I was marrying Ethan. I was also aware that deep down, I was still holding onto feelings for him.

  That was the part that scared me the most. I knew that those feelings were there. I knew because I was still constantly reminding myself to repress them. Every time they try to surface, I spend the day reminding myself of all the reasons that I love Ethan, all the reasons that my friendship with Brad is better than any relationship we could ever have, and all the reasons that I don’t want either of those things to change.

  I love him deeply. I don’t know any other way to love him. I don’t want to love him any other way. I want my love for him to be a part of me, always. I just don’t want my love for him to define who I am and the decisions that I make. That’s part of why I chose Ethan back in high school. I felt free when I was with him. Free to love unconditionally.

  My love for Ethan never tried to define who I was or who I should have been. I was just me. The love that I had for him back then, that I tried to show him in every way possible, was cherished. He knew that I expected nothing in return, but yet he gave more than I ever expected. He loved me back.

  I know that marrying Ethan is the right decision. I know that I will be happy with him, for the rest of my life. I also know that Brad will never see it that way. No matter how many times over the years I have tried to tell him, tried to show him, that my love for him is different than my love for Ethan, he never once seemed to grasp it. Maybe he just didn’t want to. I have a weakness when it comes to him. My heart weakens around him and he knows it.