Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  My first class of the day went by much faster than I wanted it to. It’s amazing how when you want time to slow down, it does the opposite. All I wanted today was for time to slow down, just a little. I needed time to formulate a plan, to figure out what to say, how to say it. All I could think about was how he was going to react.

  It’s not like time was going to change things. No matter when I told him or how I told him, his reaction was going to be the same. He was going to be disappointed. I know that as a friend, he should be elated for me. Maybe elated was a stretch. I would settle for happy. I would settle for a meaningless congratulations at this point.

  Leaving my class, all I could feel was an overwhelming sense of dread. I had so much going on this month that adding this into the mix was starting to complicate things. Brad’s birthday was Thursday and we were supposed to be celebrating at our house on Saturday night. If he wasn’t able to accept our engagement... well, I just don’t know what’s going to happen. Would he cancel his party? Would we still have it as planned?

  Rounding the building, I catch sight of him waiting for me on the bench outside the cafeteria. I stop dead in my tracks and just stare. My body is trembling in fear. The anticipation is overwhelming, and I’m not sure if I can bring myself to tell him. It all seemed feasible when he wasn’t standing in front of me, but now I’m not sure what to do, what to say, or how to say it. I’ve never been afraid to tell him anything, until now.

  Just the thought of losing him scares me to death. He’s been a part of my life for so long that I can’t imagine him not being in it. I’ve let my guard down around him, more than I should, and allowed him in. It’s not the same as what I have with Ethan. Ethan has always been important to me. We fought the odds to be together, but it feels like I’ve been fighting an internal battle ever since. I was only weak once, but it happened, and it changed things.

  I broke the kiss and pulled back. I had stopped crying a while ago and let Brad take over. Kissing him made me forget all the bad crap that was going on around me. Kissing him was also wrong. I knew that when I kissed him back, but for some reason, those thoughts didn’t stop it from happening.

  His eyes are as dark as I’ve ever seen them. The specks of gold around his irises are barely visible, and he’s breathing so deeply that I can feel his chest against mine every time he inhales. I know that look. I’ve seen it a few times, but not recently. I’ve been avoiding it for the past few years, and I should have been trying to avoid it right now.

  “We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s wrong. We both know that.”

  I knew that I sounded unsure. Maybe I am a little. I needed to catch my breath, and I needed to do that with more space between us. His body is blocking me from the door, so I slid across the center console and into the driver’s seat.

  He rests his cheek on the back of the seat and just stares at me. His breathing is slowly returning to normal, but the look in his eye is not changing. The space I’ve created between us is not enough. I needed to get out of the car. I needed to get some distance between us before my body starts to tell my brain what to do again.

  As I crawled out of the driver’s seat, I knew that Brad would do the same. When I reached the front of the car, he’s already there waiting for me. He pulls me into a tight embrace and kisses me on the forehead. It’s his way of saying he’s sorry, but I know that he’s probably not as sorry as he should be. It’s not like this happens every day. It hasn’t happened since we were in high school, but I know that if I allowed it to happen more often, then it would.

  “Let’s get you home. We can talk there.”

  He’s not going to let this go. I don’t really want to talk about tennis. I don’t really want to talk about therapy. I don’t want to talk about what just happened. What’s left to talk about? Do I have a choice in the matter? Maybe he will just drop me off.

  As soon as we pulled in my driveway, I realized that Ethan is not home from class yet. Without asking, Brad shuts off the car and follows me to the front door. I dropped my purse on the table and went into the kitchen to get a drink. I pulled two bottles of water from the fridge and find Brad standing outside on the patio, staring at the mountains.

  I handed him a water and plopped down on the lounge chair. After a few minutes, I realized that Brad’s still staring at the mountains, and I’m beginning to wonder if he’s ever going to say anything. Not that I really want to talk about anything, but if he’s going to make me talk, let’s get it over with.

  “So, what exactly do you think we need to talk about?”

  “Well, there are a number of things, but let’s start with what your therapist told you.”

  Great. Maybe I should have just let him stare off a little longer and kept quiet.

  “Okay. He said that my chances of playing tennis again were about one in a million. My range of motion in my shoulder is not getting better, and with the way the bones healed, it’s unlikely that it will ever get better. I can continue to go to therapy once a week and hope for the best, or I can give up tennis and try to live a normal life.”

  “Can you do that? Live a normal life without being able to play tennis?”

  That was the real question that I didn’t want to answer. Can I become a normal person without tennis? It’s always been a part of who I am. It’s never defined me as a person, but I’ve also never been without it. I’ve never been told that it’s not an option. After my first injury, they told me that I would have to work hard to be able to play as well as I had before my injury. I worked so hard that I think I may have gotten better. I used that to motivate me.

  Now what?

  “I can try, I guess.”

  “What about your scholarship?”

  “I have to have a release form to be able to play and I won’t get one, so I will lose my scholarship. I have to talk to my mom to see if she can help pay for tuition, and I’m probably going to have to get a part-time job.”

  So that was that. I was done with tennis, at least on a competitive level. Maybe someday, I would be able to play for fun again, but with the way my shoulder feels on most days, it was unlikely. Silence from Brad meant that he understood completely. It’s not like I was dying, but a part of me was—a big part.

  “So, can I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  I was tentative with my answer. I knew that I wasn’t going to like the question, but I knew that I would have to answer it eventually. It was inevitable, and since Ethan wasn’t home, now was probably the best time.

  “What happened between us?”

  Not what I was expecting.

  “Um, I’m not sure what you’re asking. Do you mean a few minutes ago?”

  “No. I mean a few years ago.”

  “I’m not sure. I didn’t realize that something happened.”

  “Things changed. After you came here, it was like you became a different person.”

  “Good or bad different? I didn’t realize that I had changed that much.”

  “Good and bad. My best friend was always someone who was there for me, and you were, most of the time. Then you started to date Ethan and things changed.”

  “Nothing changed. I started dating and you didn’t want me to at first. In fact, I specifically remember you trying to date me to keep me from dating him. Then, you gave him your blessing, and the rest seems like history, right?”

  “I gave him my blessing to take care of you, to watch over you. I didn’t give him permission to fall in love with you, or for you to fall in love with him.”

  “Excuse me! I’m pretty sure that I don’t need permission to fall in love, and that when I fell in love with Ethan, was before you gave him ‘permission’ to take care of me.”

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it. I’m not trying to run your life; I just want to be a part of it, and it feels like you’ve shut me out of parts of your life. Don’t you see that?”

  “No, I don’t. What I see is you trying to get in between my rela
tionship with Ethan by kissing me and confusing me.”

  As soon as his head whipped towards me, I knew that I shouldn’t have said that. Admitting to myself that kissing Brad confused me is one thing, but admitting it to Brad was another and was a mistake. He was never supposed to know.

  “One more question and then I have to go.”

  He’s moving towards me and I’m paralyzed by the look in his eyes. My body feels heavy, and as much as I want to sit up and move away, I can’t. My body won’t cooperate. It’s like his stare has put me in a trance, and not in the good kind of way. The only thing I can do is nod, so I do, giving him permission to continue.

  “Do you know how much I love you?”

  Do I know how much he loves me? Of course I do. Do I want to admit to myself how much he loves me? Absolutely not! Do I want to admit to myself how much I love him? I never have, out loud at least, and I never will. It’s a part of me that will die with me at this point.

  I’ve been standing in this spot for almost ten minutes, and I still don’t have the courage to go over and tell him. Maybe I should just avoid it altogether. I can send him a text and tell him that I can’t meet him for coffee today. He would understand, right?

  As I pulled out my phone to chicken out, I realized that he had already sent me a text. Here’s my chance. I can just tell him that I forgot that we were meeting and his text reminded me. Perfect! I was getting out of this with an even better lie.

  Brad: R U going to stand there all day or are we getting coffee?

  Crap!

  He saw me standing here, and instead of walking over, he let me stand here looking like an idiot. When did he send this? Five minutes ago. Great! Now I really look like an idiot. He’s going to know that something is up. He’s gonna ask questions, and I’m not going to be able to avoid answering them. I cannot lie to him. I can, just not very well and he knows it every time.

  As gracefully as possible, I put my phone back in my purse and walked over to where he’s waiting. I try to act like nothing is wrong but as I approached him, I realized that I was twisting my ring. He’s bound to notice, and before he does, I slipped it off my finger and into my pocket.

  What? Why did I just do that?

  I’m not going to be able to avoid this conversation forever. It’s best to get it out of the way now. I want to be the one to tell him. I don’t want him to hear it from one of our friends. I don’t want him to find out at his party. I especially don’t want Ethan to be the one to tell him. If Ethan tells him, then Ethan will know that I didn’t tell him and will wonder why. I don’t need Ethan wondering why I didn’t tell him. I don’t need him questioning whether or not I really want to marry him.

  “Hey. For a minute there I thought you were never going to join me.”

  I give him a quick hug and apologize for being late. He guides me through the open doors and into the cafeteria. I can feel his hand on the small of my back through my sweatshirt, and my body betrays me by reacting with a shiver. I know he noticed and is probably smiling at the way he can always get to me, whether I like it or not.

  I find us a table while he grabs our coffee. The place is pretty empty for being a week before finals. Next week, it will be packed with students trying to get a pick-me-up from caffeine in between studying and taking exams. There won’t be an available table, and we will probably have to grab our coffee and sit outside. I’ll have to remember to bring a coat next week.

  “So,” he says as he places my coffee in front of me, “what was that all about? You looked like you were somewhere deep inside your head while you were staring at me.”

  I was staring? Crap!

  “Nothing. Just going through my to-do list. I didn’t see you at first, so I was just waiting.” Two lies. Will he believe me?

  “Sure you were.” Nope. Not gonna buy it. “What is really on your mind?”

  “Nothing. Why?”

  “Well, I just happen to run into Ethan this morning and he asked if I had talked to you lately. I told him we were having coffee today and that I would see you then. He seemed surprised that I hadn’t talked to you. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

  “No, of course not.” Unless you count the fact that I got engaged over the weekend. “He was probably wondering if I had yelled at you for not coming to my party on Friday.”

  “I did come, though. I take it you didn’t tell him I was there?”

  “No, and thank you for the present. It’s beautiful.”

  “Just like you.” I know that I was starting to blush so I looked away and tried to focus on what was going on outside. I could see a couple making out under a tree but it felt wrong to stare. “So, why are you not wearing it? It’s going to look beautiful on your wrist.”

  “It will.”

  “What’s wrong, Becca? I can tell that there’s something that you’re not telling me so out with it. You should know better than to try to keep things from me after all this time.” He’s smiling as he says it, but only because he knows it’s true. I can’t keep anything from him, as much as I would like to sometimes.

  “I just...well...I don’t really know how to tell you this.”

  “Just say it. It can’t be that bad, can it?”

  “Well, Ethan and I...we...well, we sort of...”

  “Sort of what, Becca? Are you pregnant?”

  Okay, that was said much louder than it needed to be. I don’t know everyone on campus but I know a lot of people, and that is the last thing I need people spreading around.

  “No! I’m not pregnant. Thanks for whispering that by the way.”

  “Then what?”

  “Well, Ethan asked me to marry him.”

  From the silence that followed, I knew that he was in shock. His face was void of all emotion, but his body was telling a different story. I could see it start to tense up, and I knew that he wanted to explode. I’m not sure why he was angry, but I knew that was what his reaction was at that moment. As the seconds ticked by and I waited for him to say something, I could see that he was trying to calm himself down. After a few minutes, the tension was gone, and he looked like he had before I broke the news to him.

  “Well, what did you say?” His eyes finally left mine and flew to my hands that were wrapped around my coffee cup. I knew they were missing a key piece of jewelry, but he didn’t. He really didn’t know yet. I had to tell him.

  Moment of truth. “Yes. I said yes.”

  He was gone before I could say anything else. The loss I felt when the therapist told me that I would never play tennis again was nothing compared to the overwhelming pain in my chest right now. It felt like someone had tried to rip out my heart. It was at that moment that I knew I had lost his friendship forever. Everything was going to change.

  Crap!

  Chapter 5

  I gave Brad Tuesday to cool off. I needed to sort out the details of his party, if there was going to be one now. We had already sent out e-vites to all of our friends, but I knew that there were a few people that still needed to be informed. I didn’t want to wait until the last minute. I was going shopping for food and alcohol on Thursday, so I knew that I needed to talk to him soon, but he needed a day.

  I wasn’t expecting him to show up for coffee on Wednesday. He was waiting for me as usual and I was caught off guard. Was he still upset? I knew that the engagement was a shock to him but it really shouldn’t have been. With Ethan a week away from graduation, he should have suspected that he would want to start the next phase of his life. If I had been paying attention, I would have thought about it. Maybe I would have been more prepared and seen it coming.

  I tentatively approached him. His back was to me, but I knew that he was aware I was there. No matter how distant we have been lately, he would always know when I walked in to a room, and vice versa. It’s like we are one person sometimes.

  Without turning around, he started to speak. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding eye contact or if he was ashamed, but when I went to stand in fron
t of him, he turned the other direction. His voice was no louder than a whisper and I was having hard time hearing him, so I sat down next to him and took his hand in mine. This caught his attention and his eyes immediately met mine.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “I know you are and I’m not mad at you.”

  “You should be.” He broke eye contact again and it was as if he was still in pain. I could tell that something was troubling him, and I was pretty sure that I knew what it was.

  “Look. We need to lay everything out on the table and get past this. We have your birthday this week, and I want to make sure your party is the best one yet. We still have a lot to talk about so let’s get our coffee and talk. Okay?”

  “Becca.” He was whispering again. The pain in his voice was overwhelming, and when I felt him touch my cheek, I turned toward his hand and closed my eyes instead of moving away. That was my first mistake. My second was not stopping him from kissing me. The third, the one I’ll never understand, is not stopping myself from kissing him back.

  When my brain finally started working again, I pulled away. He had tears in his eyes, and I’m pretty sure that I had them in mine. I felt everything he was trying to say to me. I knew— without him having to say a word—that he was going to fight to have me as his own. I felt the love in that one kiss and it scared the hell out of me.

  Instead of talking about it, I stood up and walked into the cafeteria. Once I had our coffees, I made my way back out to where Brad was still sitting. He took the coffee from me but didn’t say a word. That’s how we spent the next half hour. Sitting in comfortable silence. There were no words that would help us figure out our situation. There was nothing that could be said that would solve any of the turmoil that I was about to put myself through.