Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  When I got home that afternoon, I knew that I needed to talk to Ethan. I was sure that I wanted to marry him, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to marry him right now. I still wanted to finish college. I still wanted to travel before starting a career. I wanted to explore and have fun and then get married, start a career, and eventually, start a family.

  He was waiting for me in the living room. I could feel the negative energy when I crossed the threshold. Something was wrong with him, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was. I was scared to test the waters with what I had to say. I knew that whatever was going on with him today, that I would make things worse if I were to bring up any of my concerns or insecurities about us.

  “Hey,” I said to him as I slowly approached where he was sitting.

  “Hey.” It came out in a huff, and that’s when I knew something was seriously wrong.

  “Bad day?”

  “You could say that. It’s not every day you get fired.”

  “What? The evil bitch fired you? Why?”

  “She said that I was no longer needed, and that they were going to be eliminating my position. It’s a load of bull and I know it. She’s been trying to get rid of me for a while now.”

  “Well, that’s her loss. If she can’t appreciate your hard work and talent then someone else will.” For this I was granted a smile. Not a big one, his dimple was still in hiding, but it was a start.

  “How was your day?”

  “It was fine.” Crap! I shouldn’t have said fine. I should have said good. Fine is like a conversation starter for all details of one’s day. I don’t want to rehash my weird morning.

  “Just fine, huh? Did you have coffee with Brad?”

  “Yeah. He was in a mood, so we didn’t get to work out all the details for his party, so I guess I am just going to have to figure it out on my own. Do you want to go shopping with me tomorrow when I get home?” I knew he would be free since he wasn’t going to have to go to work now. This would give me an opportunity to gauge when he expects us to tie the knot.

  “Sure.”

  Just as we were settling in for the night, I heard my phone ting with a text message. I went to grab it, but there was nothing there. I heard another ting and realized that it was Ethan’s phone and not mine. Who would be texting him so late? I picked it up to take it to him, and the screen turned on showing that his incoming text was from his former boss. Huh?

  I know that I shouldn’t invade his privacy, but there was no way I was going to pass up the opportunity to tell this woman to stick it. I slid the unlock key and found that he had six new texts and they were all from her. The first was from this afternoon, right before he told me that he got fired. Let’s see what she had to say.

  Can u please come over so I can explain?

  Explain? What is she talking about? If you fire someone, that pretty much sums up everything that you need to talk about.

  Ethan, please call me.

  Why won’t you just call me? I can explain everything.

  Ethan, it’s a great opportunity, you should take it.

  What opportunity? It doesn’t sound like he’s been fired. What the hell is going on?

  Ethan, they need an answer by tomorrow lunch. You need to call me.

  If this is about your gf then you need to get over it. She will understand if she really loves you.

  If what is about me? I’m his fiancée, not his girlfriend. Why doesn’t she know this? What opportunity is she talking about? I cannot believe that she’s sent him six texts today, and he hasn’t mentioned to me anything about this.

  My body starts to tingle, and I immediately know that I have been busted. He can’t be more than four feet behind me, and there is no way that I will be able to put his phone back without him noticing. Can I put it in the front of my pants and return it later? That’s what I’ll do. I’ll stick it in the elastic band on my shorts and hope that he doesn’t notice or catch me.

  Ting

  Crap!

  “Becca, do you have my phone?”

  “Yeah. I was bringing it to you when the screen lit up. It was your boss so I was going to text her something mean, but instead I read the text she sent you.” I don’t want to turn around and face the wrath of what might happen. I know that he would never hit me, but I also know that this is going to make him angrier than I have ever seen him. I invaded his privacy. I would be upset if he did it to me yet I did it anyway.

  “So, can I have my phone then?” There’s a hint of anger in his voice, but not as much as I expected.

  I turned around slowly and handed him his phone. He scrolls through his text messages and reads each one. You can see that they bothered him. You can see that he’s angry, but I’m pretty sure it’s with his boss and not with me.

  “So, I guess you’re wondering what she wants.”

  “Yeah. I thought you were fired.”

  “I was. They offered me another position but I turned it down. When my boss heard, she fired me, so that I would take the other job. She thought that she was going to force me into taking it.”

  “What? They offered you a different position? Why didn’t you take it?”

  “There are a bunch of reasons.”

  “Is it because of me? She made it sound like it was because of me, and I don’t want you to hold yourself back because of me. Whatever it is, we will find a way to deal with it.”

  “It’s not because of you, Becca. It’s for you. It’s for us. Our life. If I take that job, then things will change, and I can’t do it without you.” There is a hint of uncertainty in his voice. For a moment I think that maybe, just maybe, he thinks I will leave him.

  “Then we’ll do it together. Do I even get a vote?”

  “If you really want one, then you do.”

  “I agreed to marry you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That life starts now. Every decision that needs to be made, we can make together. Deal?”

  Crap! What about waiting to get married? Wasn’t I just having a conversation with myself about wanting to do all these other things before jumping into marriage?

  “Deal. So, how do you feel about England?”

  “Um, I don’t know. What does England have to do with work?”

  England? What? Where is he going with this? I’ve never been to England, not by choice. I would love to visit and see the sights. Is that what this is about? Did they offer him an opportunity to work in England? For how long?

  “Well, they are opening a gallery in England, and they want me to run it.”

  “Wow! That’s a big promotion. Would you still be able to shoot pictures for the company, or would this be it for you? Would you be choosing the art instead of producing it?” I tried to contain my excitement for him but it was overwhelming. This is such a great opportunity for him. Why does he not sound more excited?

  “I would be doing both. They want to give me all the creative decision-making power over there. I would be able to discover new artists, and showcase their work. I would also be able to showcase some of my own work.”

  “Why you?”

  “Well, they think I can do it. They know that I’m graduating next week, and with a degree in photo journalism and a minor in business, they think that I can handle it. Of course, I would hire people to do some of the business stuff but, the artistic aspect of it is all me.”

  I can hear the excitement in his voice now. I know he wants to do this. I know he wants to take this job. He should take this job. What about us? What will I do while he’s over in England running his gallery? I still have three semesters of school to finish. I can’t just up and leave.

  “Becca. Where did you go? You zoned out on me for a minute.”

  “I was just thinking about what a great opportunity it is for you.”

  “For us. I won’t go unless you agree to go with me. I can’t imagine doing this without you.”

  “I can’t go, Ethan. I still have to finish school.”

  “What if you deferred
a semester and come back this summer. Just give it one semester over there, and you can decide if you want to stay, or come back and finish school. School’s always going to be here, Becca.” I can see that he doesn’t want to try and push me into this but that he wants me to make my own decision. “What do you think?”

  Ting

  His damn phone needs to be turned off right now. If his boss would give us time to sort through all of this, then maybe she would get her answer tomorrow. I need to sleep on it. I need to weigh all my options. Could I do a study abroad?

  Ting

  “Just tell her that you will have an answer for her tomorrow so she stops texting you.” I’m irritated by her right now and a little overwhelmed. I didn’t mean to snap at him.

  “That was your phone.”

  I reached around him and grabbed my phone off of the bed. I had two new texts. As I opened them up, I felt faint. I knew that this moment was coming, but I didn’t think it would be right now. I don’t know how much more life-altering news I can take right now.

  Brad: I love you Becca but since you are engaged, I think it would be best if I distance myself.

  Brad: Cancel the party.

  4

  Crap! This cannot be happening. I went to toss my phone on the bed but Ethan grabs it out of my hand. Before I can stop him, he’s reading the words on the screen. I can see the anger in his eyes. I can feel the tension in the room. My breathing has become erratic and I feel faint. Then that’s what I do. I faint.

  Chapter 6

  We never talked about the text from Brad. In fact, I think fainting took his mind off of everything. When I finally came around, he was holding a cool washcloth to my forehead, and my body was curled in his lap. I don’t think he knew I was awake because he was still talking to himself. I couldn’t make out what he was saying but I knew that it didn’t matter. No matter what words were coming out, the only thing that mattered was the fact that he was here.

  I shifted my weight and he removed the washcloth. I could see the panic in his eyes. I could feel the tension in his body as I pushed off of him and got to my feet. He followed my lead and stood as well. Walking over to the dresser, I picked up my phone and opened a new text. I typed quickly and hit Send before he could reach me. The moment his phone went off, he looked at me, confusion now shining brightly from his eyes.

  Me: I would love to move to England with you.

  The next thing I knew, I was being pulled into his arms, my feet were in the air, and we were spinning in circles. I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I pushed away from Ethan, and stumbled towards our bathroom, opening the lid to the toilet just as I expelled my dinner. I heaved up the rest of the contents of my stomach, and when I felt like I wasn’t nauseated anymore, I stood up. I quickly brushed my teeth, rinsed with mouthwash, and headed back into our room.

  I knew he was going to want to talk about the job. I knew he was going to want to talk about me leaving school. I was the one who normally overanalyzed everything. This time, I knew it would be him. This was a big step. Not just for our relationship, but for our future. Without tennis, there really wasn’t anything stopping me from leaving. That’s when thoughts of Brad started to creep back into my mind.

  He had moved across the country to be closer to me. He had uprooted his whole life to be closer to me. He never gave up on our friendship. He never gave up on me. He wanted to be with me, and this was going to be the distance that our relationship needed. He was the reason that I wanted to leave. He was also the reason that I wanted to stay. I didn’t want to leave him, again.

  “So, I guess we’re moving to England?” It was a question. I know that he was excited and was trying to hide it, but he was doing a poor job. His dimple was winking at me, and the smile on his face was anything but tentative while he awaited my answer.

  “Yes. We’re moving to England. Now, will you please text your boss so that we can be left alone for the night.” There went his smile. Crap! I shouldn’t have brought up the texts. I could see the change in his demeanor. His body went rigid, and his eyes glossed over. He tossed me a small smile, trying to reassure me I guess, before he grabbed his phone and walked out of the room. I took the opportunity to text Brad as quickly as I could.

  Me: We need to talk. Meet me 2moro for coffee at noon.

  It didn’t take long for my phone to ting. Crap! I turned the volume off on my phone before reading his message. I didn’t want Ethan to know that while he was accepting a job, I was in here talking to Brad. It just didn’t feel right. We needed time to discuss everything.

  Brad: Cant busy

  Me: Bull important pls be there

  Brad: No

  Me: Don’t make this harder than it has to be

  A few minutes went by and nothing came back from him. I was baiting him and he wasn’t taking the bait. I could hear that Ethan was now on the phone talking to someone. I slipped into the bathroom and waited. When he still hadn’t gotten back to me after almost five minutes, I gave up completely. I was going to have to stalk him tomorrow to get him to talk to me, if he would talk to me. Or at least that was my plan until my phone vibrated in my hand.

  Brad: It’s already hard. Go to England and be happy

  What? How the hell did he know that? Did Ethan tell him? Did Ethan texted him? Was that who he was talking to? I needed to know what was going on, and just as I was about to open the door, it opened for me. With his phone still in his hand, he gave me a slight smile. I could see the victory in his eyes. He knew he had won, but I wasn’t a prize.

  “What did you do?”

  “I called him and told him that we were moving to England. Now, he doesn’t have to create space between you guys. Half of the country and the entire Atlantic will be separating you from him, and that will give him plenty of time and space to get over whatever he needs to get over.”

  “Seriously. How can you be so crude? He’s my best friend. Don’t you think that I wanted to be the one to tell him that we were moving?”

  “He can’t be your best friend right now. He’s in love with you. He’s blinded by that love. I think he’s more upset that you’re leaving than he is about us getting engaged.”58

  “Probably because he came here to be closer to me.”

  Crap!

  That’s when it hit me. There was nothing holding Brad here but me. There was no reason for him to stay here except for me. The only reason he was here was because of me. He’s tried to tell me, tried to show me. He wants to be here because he wants to be with me. He made the “ultimate sacrifice” a long time ago, and has been patiently waiting for me to realize.

  It’s like Ethan knew that I needed time to let this all sink in. He excused himself and went to take a shower. I heard the water turn on, and I heard him close the curtain. I was still holding my cell phone in my hand, and it was blinking, alerting me to a waiting text. I knew it was going to be from Brad, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what he had to say. Against my better judgment, I opened it and my mouth hit the floor.

  Brad: I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you and if you go to England with Ethan then I will never be able to show you how much I love you. If you marry him then I will never be able to show you how much I love you. look in your heart Becca and tell me that you don’t love me and I will walk away but I need for you to say the words cuz I know that deep down you love me as much as I love you

  Crap! Crap! Crap!

  I immediately deleted our entire conversation. I don’t want Ethan to see that text. I don’t want to re-read that text. I don’t want to think about that text. The last time he told me he loved me, I knew that he was speaking from the heart. I knew that he wasn’t talking about a crush like he had in high school. I knew that it was more than a simple physical attraction. It was the kind of love that scared the crap out of me. I avoided him for almost a week afterwards because I was afraid of what else he might confess to. I was afraid that he would lay all his cards out on the table like
he just did in that text.

  The text may have been deleted, but it was still fresh in my mind as I drifted off to sleep. Ethan had his arms wrapped protectively around me, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming of Brad.

  “Of course I know how much you love me.” I do know but I try to ignore it most of the time. His love is powerful and all-consuming and scares the crap out of me. “You’re my best friend, Brad. I love you too.”

  He quickly looked away, and I knew that I had just shut him down in the best way I possibly could. Every time he has tried to “profess his undying love for me,” I have shut him down by throwing our friendship in his face. If I let him say what he felt, if I let him continue telling me all the things that he wants to tell me, I would be in a bunch of trouble, because as much as I would like to think that I would be able to resist his advances, the incident in the car is proof that I wouldn’t be able to.

  He’s staring at me again, or maybe just towards me. He’s got a blank look in his eye, and I can’t really tell what he’s thinking. I know that he wants to say something, but I’m just not sure what it’s going to be. Whatever it is, he better make it quick. I can hear Ethan shutting his car door, and that means that he’s about to lose his chance in the next sixty seconds.

  “Just say it, whatever it is.”

  “Do you really want to hear it? Can you handle the complete, uncensored truth?”

  “Probably not, but you need to say it. You’ve been holding back for a while now, and I know that it’s getting in the way of our friendship. Just say it, Brad.”

  “Fine. I love you, Becca. Not like the kind of love that comes and goes, but the forever kind of love. The ‘I want to marry you and grow old with you’ kind of love. The kind of love that hasn’t faded over the last five years but grown stronger. It makes me want to fight for you, for us. I can’t do that, though. I can’t fight for something that is completely one-sided. Problem is, I think you feel the same way, and I won’t do anything about it until you tell me you do.”