Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  I can hear the hurt in her voice. She truly loved Brad at one point in time, and he had broken her heart.

  “You had practice every day that summer in the mornings. Ethan was working part-time at the country club in the afternoons, and you were working at that Mexican restaurant at night. I was working pretty much all day every day at the hotel, and Brad and I only got to see each other on his nights off. At first, I thought that because our time was limited that it became special. Then, that day I came home early because I wasn’t feeling well, I realized what had changed. He had you all to himself every afternoon, all afternoon. It was just the two of you, hanging out. There was no one else but the two of you. It was like you guys were in your own world.”

  I remember that summer as clear as day. It was the summer after our freshman year. The summer right before Ethan and I moved in to a place of our own. Brad and I used to hang out and swim or play tennis or go exploring every afternoon that summer.

  “That day I was sick, I walked in and found the two of you having a food fight in the kitchen. Do you have any idea what I really saw?”

  “No.” I could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

  “I saw the love. I saw his love for you. It was clear as day. As much as I wanted to believe that he was in love with me, after seeing the two of you that day, I knew that he never had been. I knew that he would never love me, not like he loved you. I didn’t want to have to compete for his love. It wouldn’t have been a competition I could have won.”

  I’m shocked more than anything. Were his feelings for me that transparent back then? Was I the only person who had no idea what was going on?

  “I’m so sorry, Ella. I had no idea.”

  “I know and I don’t blame you. It was never your fault and it never will be. I don’t even blame Brad anymore. I blame myself for falling in love with someone who I knew was never really available to begin with. He may have owned my heart once upon a time, but I never owned his. His heart has always belonged to you and only you, Becca.”

  I don’t know what else to say to her. It all makes a little bit more sense now. Brad and Ella breaking up. Ethan wanting us to live alone. All of it. How is it that I was so blind to what was going on around me for so long. We lived together for a year.

  Graduation morning, I was surprised to find Ethan in the kitchen making breakfast for the two of us. He had brought home some packing boxes the day before, and it looked as though he had been up for a while. There were three boxes full in the living room waiting to be taped shut. It was a weird feeling, knowing that in less than a month that I would be on an entirely different continent.

  I’m gazing off into space, thinking about all that’s happening, about everything that Ella said, and all that’s about to change. I can hear him talking in the background. I’m watching the coffee brew, focusing on each drip, knowing that I am that much closer to the start of another day.

  I come to just as he sets our plates on the breakfast bar. We haven’t eaten a single meal together since the ordeal with Brad last week. He worked late all week and I had been studying. Then finals were here, and all either of us did was study. We had both been avoiding each other, and doing a rather good job of it.

  “So, how did your finals go?”

  I was shoveling food in my face right as he asked me. I smiled and tried to quickly chew and swallow, but started to choke on my pancakes. He handed me my coffee and gently patted my back. The simple touch of his hand caused goose bumps to form on my arms, and a chill to run up my spine. Ethan noticed right away, and instead of waiting for me to answer his question, he scooped me up in his arms and carried me to our bedroom.

  When we finally emerged, sweaty and tired, we reheated our pancakes and traded our coffee in for ice cold milk. As if nothing had happened, we sat back down at the bar and picked up where we had left off.

  “Finals were fine. I know I passed, but I’m pretty sure that my lack of concentration was obvious in some of my work. I’ll pass all my classes, but I won’t be making straight As this semester. How do you think you did?”

  “I don’t care, really. They’re giving me a diploma today no matter if I passed finals or not.”

  “Fair point. You still studied.”

  “I know. I couldn’t go in there completely unprepared.”

  “So, you aced them then?” By the look on his face, I knew that his scores would beat mine any day. He couldn’t do anything halfway, it just wasn’t in his nature. “What time do we need to be at the auditorium today for the ceremony?”

  “I have to be there by two and it starts at three, so you should probably just ride with me.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Are your parents going to be looking for me or should I try and find them?”

  “Mom knows that you’ll be sitting up front. You’re going to have to save at least seven seats so that you all can sit together.”

  “Who else is coming? Your parents, my mom, and my sister.”

  “Morgan and Natalie are coming, and Brad will be sitting with you guys too.”

  That got my attention. If my mouth had been full of food, I probably would have started to choke on it again. Why was Brad sitting with us? Why was he even going to the ceremony? If he wasn’t answering my texts and he was avoiding me, why would he want to come to Ethan’s graduation? I wanted to ask why, but instead, I just nodded and went back to eating my breakfast. Today was going to prove to be a very challenging day, I could feel it already.

  Chapter 8

  Brad didn’t show up for graduation. If he did, he didn’t sit with us at least. I’m still not sure why Ethan invited him in the first place. It was completely out of character for him these days. I would have thought that he would want to keep Brad as far away from me as possible. Even without speaking about what happened, I knew that things had changed between us. The way he used to look at me was gone. The adoring stares that I used to see him giving me from time to time are now replaced with stares of curiosity.

  Our relationship was on the fence and it was going to topple to one side or the other, soon. Which way it was going to fall was beyond me. Either way, I feel like I am going to be left in pieces. Either I was going to lose Ethan, or I was going to lose Brad. That was a simple fact that I needed to face.

  We went to dinner as a family after the ceremony. Of course, everyone knew about our engagement, and that was the primary topic of conversation. Ethan had yet to tell his parents about his promotion, and with all the events that had been unfolding in the rest of our world, I had yet to tell my mother. I hadn’t even mentioned Brad’s stint in jail to her. His absence today caused her to ask questions. I didn’t have any answers for her, and I could see the big red flag flying high as I shrugged my shoulder, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

  “So, I have an announcement to make.” Ethan’s voice brought me back to the reality before me. He was about to announce our move, and the thought scared me half to death. Either my mother was going to be incredibly happy for us, or incredibly mad at me for not telling her. I was about to find out.

  “I have been offered a huge promotion and I, we,” he said, motioning in my direction, “have decided that I should accept it.”

  Applause from our families was louder than usual. I could feel everyone in the restaurant staring at our table. It didn’t help matters that Ethan was standing, towering over our table with his glass raised high.

  “Becca and I will be moving to England in a couple of week where I will be running the newest gallery for Art Wave.”

  The applause he had received from our friends and families was silenced in an instant. The looks of shock on their faces were more than I could take. I could feel my mother’s stare on me as I focused on my clenched hands in my lap. This was supposed to be a good thing for us, but I was getting a really bad vibe from everyone else at the table. We should have talked to them about it. It was a huge decision. We should have included them.

  “What about school? Are you planning
on going to school over there or are you dropping out?” My mother’s voice was full of concern and anger and disbelief. This was not the way I wanted her to find out. Ethan should have known that. I should have stopped him from making the announcement.

  “I applied for a study abroad program. I should hear back before Christmas. If I’m accepted, then I will be studying over there. If not, I plan to defer a semester and come back for summer classes. Maybe.”

  No one else at the table had said anything yet. I needed someone to voice their opinion. I needed someone to say something to break the silence that had enveloped our table. I needed to get away from this. My breathing was rapid and I could feel a panic attack coming on. Ethan gently squeezed my shoulder, knowing that something was wrong, but I couldn’t look at him, or anyone else. I kept staring at my hands, clenched so tightly together that I thought for a moment that I was going to lose feeling in my fingertips.

  That’s when I bolted.

  The bathroom at the restaurant was actually pretty nice. There were a few shreds of toilet paper on the floor, but the stall walls were lacking in the gossip department, something that’s hard to find at most restaurants within a few miles of campus.

  I stood with my back to the door, hands on my knees, and my head down, until it felt like the world was no longer spinning around me. My gut was telling me that I was making a huge mistake, but I wasn’t sure if that was because of the way my mom had looked at me, or because I was really making a mistake.

  Knowing that I was going to have her support no matter what didn’t ease the nausea. The simple fact that I had put off telling my mother, unconsciously or not, was a key indicator that things weren’t right. The night we had decided to go, I had felt no reservations about the decision. I hadn’t felt much of anything about the decision. I wasn’t overly excited or overly scared. I wasn’t anxious. I wasn’t thinking about packing.

  I was indifferent. I made the decision to go based on the fact that I felt like I would hold Ethan back if I didn’t say yes. The pieces were starting to fall together, and the fact that I was making a mistake was coming to light. I stood up straight and with new resolve. I was going to tell Ethan that I didn’t want to go, that I was having some reservations, and that maybe he should go ahead without me and that I would come over on break.

  He would be okay with that. Right? He wouldn’t not go because I was staying behind. Right? This was as close to a dream job as he was going to get. A once in a lifetime opportunity. He wouldn’t turn this down.

  I heard the bathroom door open and then softly close. I heard the lock click into place and wondered why someone felt the need to lock the door behind them. Did they know I was in here? Maybe I should climb on top of the seat and wait them out. Have they seen my feet yet? I was standing by the door so they couldn’t have missed them.

  “You can come out here or stay in there, but I think we need to talk.”

  Why was he here? Did he really think that it was a good idea to lock us in the bathroom together? I had already spent enough time in a women’s bathroom with him. I didn’t need a repeat performance.

  Knowing that he wouldn’t leave until I came out, I unlatched the stall door. He was leaning against the counter, dressed to the nines in what looked like a three-piece suit minus the jacket. His tie was already loosened, and I knew that he had probably had a drink, or two. His black eyes were healing; the right one was barely bruised now.

  “So, your mom looks a little upset, and you’re hiding in the bathroom. What happened?”

  “Ethan announced his promotion and our move. I hadn’t had a chance to tell her yet.”

  “Hadn’t had a chance to tell her or didn’t tell her? There’s a big difference.”

  He was right. I talked to my mom practically every day. If I wasn’t able to find the time to call her, I would send her a text. The only other people in my life that I was that close to were Brad, Ethan, Natalie, and Ella. Lainey and Jill had both moved to Phoenix after our first year of college, and I rarely hear from them anymore.

  “I didn’t know how to tell her, I guess. I knew that she would be upset that I was leaving but I also knew that the fact that I was probably not going to go to school over there would make her even more upset.” I didn’t want her to think that I was following Ethan and letting my dreams go. I wasn’t doing that. Was I?

  “Don’t go then.”

  “It’s not that simple and you know it. Ethan only accepted the promotion because I told him that I would go with him. He wasn’t even going to mention it to me because he thought that he would lose me if he left without me. He was sure that I wouldn’t want to go.”

  “So, what changed your mind? Why did you say yes?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I do.” The smile on his face said it all. The glisten in his eyes told me that he wasn’t going to share.

  “Care to tell me? I’m pretty sure that you weren’t there when...” Crap! He was there, sort of. He was on the other end of the line, texting me. I was upset with him that night. He was confusing me. Ethan called and told him we were moving that night.

  “I don’t need to tell you what you already know. I may not have physically been there, but I was there. I will always be there.” It was like he was telling me everything that I needed to hear. I needed to know that he would always be there for me, no matter what. I needed to hear him say it, to make it real.

  I was so lost in what he was saying that I didn’t realize that he was now standing in front of me. He was holding my hand and softly caressing my knuckles with his thumb. He was making his play for me. That’s when it hit me. Leaving here was more about leaving him than it was about anything else. If I left with Ethan, I was letting go of Brad. If I moved away then I was putting space between us. It would be over, for good, no going back, no changing my mind. Over.

  When he kissed me, my mind went blank and my body took over. I knew in that moment that what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I was going to have to tell Ethan, and that he was going to be upset, angry, broken.

  The moment I started to return his kiss was when I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to leave him. The last time I left, it wasn’t my choice. This time would be different.

  When Brad finally released me, I took an immediate step back as if I had been burned. My body was on fire, my heart was aching, and I knew that if he kissed me like that again, if I allowed him to, then there would be no turning back. I wasn’t ready for this. I needed time to think, to analyze the situation.

  “I have to get back to dinner.” That was the best I could come up with.

  I knew that I didn’t need an excuse to leave the bathroom. I knew that he would have let me walk out without saying anything. I needed to remind myself, in that moment, that there was someone else waiting for me.

  I didn’t look back as I unlocked the door and stepped out into the hallway. My mom was waiting for me with a knowing look on her face. Had she seen Brad go into the bathroom? Had anyone seen him?

  “So, did you change your mind in there?” She had definitely seen him go into the bathroom. “I was going to try and eavesdrop on your conversation but I thought waiting here was more appropriate. Ethan thinks that I went after you. He thinks that you and I are having a moment in the bathroom. What do you suppose I tell him we talked about?”

  “You don’t have to cover for me. I need to talk to him. I need to tell him what’s going on before he finds out from someone else.”

  “What exactly is going on, Becca?”

  “Well, for starters, I need to tell him how I feel about Brad. If he’ll still have me after he hears that, then I’ll let you know what’s going on. If not...”

  I let my voice trail off, trying not to think about what would happen if Ethan decided not to forgive me. I knew there was a chance. I knew that my life would drastically change. I knew all these things before I let Brad kiss me, yet I’m still somehow in this situation. Again.

  “Well, I hope
he understands. You two have a long history, one that started before Ethan was even in the picture. If he can’t understand, then it’s his loss.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” I gave her a quick hug and as I’m about to pull away, I can hear Ethan’s voice traveling through the restaurant. A small shiver races through my body. His voice is smooth and loving. He doesn’t sound the least concerned with my whereabouts. “So, how about we finish dinner?”

  “Sounds good. They took our plates back to the kitchen to keep them warm. You’ve, we’ve, been gone for a while.”

  “I know. I need to get back to my fiancé.” In more ways than one, I suppose.

  As we were walking back to the table, I see Brad sneak out the front door of the restaurant. I wouldn’t have recognized him if I hadn’t known what he was wearing. He had somehow found a hat and a pair of glasses to complete his outfit.

  After dinner was through, and Ethan and I were on our way home, is when I finally started to realize that this was going to be a very defining moment in our relationship. This was going to be hard for me to say and probably even harder for him to hear. If we could work through this though, we could work through anything. If we could move on, both of us, from my past, then we could start to build our future together.

  Ethan was tired and went straight to the shower. It gave me time to think about what I was going to say and even more time to worry about how I was going to say it. He needed to know the truth, all of it. He needed to know about every stolen kiss. He needed to know about every heartfelt sentiment. Above all else, he needed to know how I felt.

  I was sitting in the middle of our bed, Indian-style, when he emerged from the bathroom. He gave me a quick smile and disrobed in front of me. His gorgeous body was completely distracting me from my current thoughts. I watched as he pulled out a pair of underwear and slowly put them on. I watched as he rummaged around in his drawers for a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt. The way his muscles danced as he moved. The way his tattoo stretched when he reached farther into the drawer. Finally, as he turned around, the way his hips sat just beautifully above the waistband of his shorts. I was entranced by him, by his body, and I felt my own body starting to react.