Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  He knew what he was doing. Consciously, not subconsciously. He was aware that he was driving me crazy, and he was doing it to prove a point. What point he was trying to prove is beyond me, but I didn’t really care anyway. He was good at getting reactions out of me in the most interesting ways.

  “So, what happened at dinner tonight?” And all of the sudden I was no longer interested in anything. My body immediately froze up, and my stomach dropped like a rock sinking to the bottom of a lake.

  “What do you mean? I felt faint, so I went to the bathroom to put some water on my face.” Good lie, Becca. Believable. Somewhat the truth but not entirely. He would have to believe me. Right?

  “I know you a little better than that. Plus, your mom looked shocked. Why didn’t you just tell her?”

  Crap!

  He wasn’t going to believe me now. Anything I had planned to say was going to be based on my first crappy lie. I was going to have to try the truth.

  “I don’t know. I think I was scared.”

  “That makes sense, but you shouldn’t be scared. You’re an adult and can make decisions that other people don’t have to like. It’s your life, remember?”

  Great segway. Thank you, Ethan, for leading me onto my next topic that I really don’t want to discuss with you. Now or never. I’m not going to get another opportunity like this, and I have to take advantage of it.

  “So, about that.”

  The smile on his face just fell. I can see that he’s been blinded by my simple statement. I haven’t even broken any news to him and yet he already knows that he’s not going to like it.

  “I’ve been thinking about England, and I’m just not as sure as I used to be.”

  “What’s this about, Becca? You were sure the other day and now you are having second thoughts? What changed your mind? Who changed your mind?”

  When he said who, I about lost it. I could already feel the tears welling up knowing that I have, in a way, disappointed him. I’ve broken an unspoken promise to him. We may not have taken our vows yet, but I knew that kissing Brad was wrong, yet I did it anyway. This was not about England. This was about my insecurities. This was about me.

  “It has nothing to do with anything but me not being sure that I want to go. Maybe you should go, and I can come over and visit, and if things are going well for you over there, then I will consider moving.”

  “The point of going was to go together. I didn’t want to go without you. You knew this, and yet you convinced me to take the job. Did you plan on backing out the whole time?”

  “What? No! I’m just not sure any more.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know!”

  “I think you do. Tell me, Becca. Tell me!”

  He’s yelling. I’ve never heard him yell before, at least not at me. I feel the anger and frustration radiating from his body, and it’s more than I can take. Before I even realize what I’m doing, I start talking, telling him everything that I wish I didn’t have to.

  “I kissed Brad! Is that what you want to hear? I kissed him and I’m falling apart on the inside. I love you so much and I don’t know why I kissed him, but I did. I want us to be together, but I’m not sure I’m ready to leave him behind. I love him too!”

  That was the last of our conversation. I don’t know exactly what happened after he left the house, but I remember him leaving. I remember lying awake that night and crying. I remember wishing that I had never told him. I remember wishing that I had been stronger. Strong enough to stop things from happening with Brad. Strong enough to leave and move to England with Ethan. Strong enough to resist the pull that Brad has on my heart.

  Now, I wish I had been strong enough to hold myself together that night. I wish I had been strong enough to hold myself together the next day, the next week, and the next month. I wasn’t strong, however. I was weak, and grew weaker by the moment when I realized that Ethan wasn’t coming back.

  I moved my stuff the last week of December. I knew he wasn’t expecting me to be there since I had been staying at my mom’s. I was just putting the last load in my trunk when he pulled in the driveway. I could see that he was surprised. I could also see that he was deciding whether or not to turn around and leave.

  Instead of giving him the upper hand and allowing him to make the decision, I made it for him. I dropped the box in my trunk and drove away without looking back. I knew that I was acting cold, but in actuality, it was the only way that I could mask the sadness that I didn’t want him to see. The pain that I was trying to hide from everyone around me, including myself. The pain that was evident no matter how hard I tried.

  The only thing of mine that was left in that house was my heart. I left it in a note that was under the engagement ring he had given me on the kitchen counter. I knew that he would find it, and I knew that he would read it. I also knew that things between us were over. According to his mother, he was on a flight to England the next day.

  Chapter 9

  It’s been two months since Ethan left for England, and I haven’t heard a word from him. I didn’t really expect to hear from him at all in the beginning. That was until last week when I heard my mom on the phone with him. She was telling him how miserable I was. She was giving him details on how I hadn’t left the house in weeks. She was telling him things that he didn’t need to hear. Whose side was she supposed to be on?

  It was in that moment that I vowed to get back on my feet. The first thing I did was call Natalie. She had tried to stop over a number of times when I was refusing all visitors. I owed her an apology, and an explanation. I was unfair to all of my friends. They were there for me, in person or via text. They all tried to call. Some tried harder than others, but in the end, I treated them all the same—poorly. I was in a dark place and no one was going to be able to break the walls I had built except Ethan himself and, in a way, I guess he did.

  The last thing on Natalie’s mind was me turning her away. She understood better than I thought she would. I was broken by love. I had always thought that love was something that would build you up, make you happy. I never imagined the crushing impact love could have on someone. The pain and hurt that it leaves in its wake after it’s gone.

  The fact that I was now fully aware of those things made me skeptical that I ever wanted to fall in love again. I fell apart the day that Ethan left me. I felt it when my heart started to crack into pieces. I thought about the joy and happiness that we had shared. The pain of those incredible memories caused me to break down and cry when I realized that I had thrown it all away. I had caused my own heart to shatter the day I put it all in perspective and realized that, in the end, it was all my fault.

  Natalie and I met for coffee twice that first week, and talked about nothing important and everything unimportant. She knew that I was still fragile, and that it would take time for me to heal. On the outside, I tried to appear as normal as possible. On the inside, there was still a storm raging. Every time it tried to show itself, I did my best to swallow it whole. I would push it down as deep as possible. After a few weeks it became easier, but I knew that it was just a matter of time before it would reappear and bring with it new turmoil. The question became when, not if, it would reappear.

  Once our coffee dates started to become a more regular thing, she started to invite some of our other friends along. She was slowly re-introducing me to society. I had deferred a semester, and been out of the loop for so long, that I didn’t really know what to talk to my friends about. Most of the time, I just sat back and listened. Every so often, one of them would ask my opinion on something and I would give it with as much confidence as I could muster.

  It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized that I was the one initializing the conversations. I was the one who wanted to talk about the things that I was missing out on. Mostly, we talked about classes. Every so often, we would talk about a new movie coming out, or the latest episode of our favorite shows on television. No one ever mentioned a boyfriend and Natalie
never brought up Morgan or their wedding plans.

  I knew that they all thought that they were helping me. I also knew that the only way I was going to completely heal, at least as much as I was ever going to heal, was to talk about the things that I wanted to avoid talking about most. I wasn’t ready to breach topics like Natalie and Morgan’s wedding, but I was ready to talk about tennis. I was ready to face those demons.

  “So, how is the tennis team this year?” The looks of surprise on the faces of my friends range from the standard “oh my god” to Natalie’s smug smile, that told me she knew what I was doing. “Has anyone beat Heather yet?”

  Stunned silence was not the reaction that I had thought I would receive, but it’s what I got. No one was quite sure how to answer my questions, or even if they wanted to. They were still looking a gasp and confused when I excused myself to the restroom. I knew that Natalie would crack their heads together while I was gone.

  When I returned, it was like it had never even happened. We talked about tennis for the next few weeks. Kelly gave me the play-by-play of what the team was doing, and gave me the breakdown of how my archrival was playing this year. I wasn’t ready to face her yet. She knew that she was responsible, in a small way at least, for my injury. She was coming into town to play in a few weeks. I wanted to go watch the team play. I wanted to face her. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it alone, and that’s when I allowed my thoughts to drift to Brad for the first time since putting myself on house arrest.

  He hadn’t come by the house since the first week I was home. I had asked him to stay away. I thought that if I distanced myself far enough from him that maybe, just maybe, Ethan would come back to me. That Ethan would forgive me and call and ask me to come to England. I really thought that if I gave Brad up, for good this time, that Ethan and I would work things out. I had thought wrong.

  “Becca?”

  “Yeah? What’s up? What did I miss?” I hadn’t realized that I had zoned out. I’m not sure how long I had been in my own little world, but all of my friends were staring at me. No, they weren’t staring at me, they were staring past me. As soon as I realized that, I also realized that I had goose bumps and that my body was tingling.

  He was here. My body hadn’t reacted like this since the night Ethan left me. I remember the sensations that had coursed through my body as I had watched him disrobe and then dress. I can still smell the body wash that he had used that night. Why can I smell the body wash that he used that night?

  Natalie’s face was telling me a story that I didn’t want to know. The uncertainty was apparent. I knew that there was no avoiding what was about to happen. I was going to have to face him. I was going to have to deal with this head on. There was no sneaking out the back and avoiding him. He was obviously here. He had obviously seen me. And judging by the apologetic expression that Natalie just gave me, he was walking in this direction.

  The storm that had been raging inside me for so long started to calm. I would have thought that now would be that moment where it would try to break free. The moment I realized who was standing behind me is the moment I knew why the storm wasn’t raging.

  His scent surrounded me, and when his strong hand touched my shoulder, I jumped a little. My friends began to pack up their belongings and excuse themselves one by one, except Natalie. She grabbed onto my hand and looked straight into my eyes for confirmation. I gave her a nod of approval before she let go and left me alone with him.

  “You look amazing.”

  He was sitting next to me now, just close enough that I could reach out and touch his face if I wanted to. I think I only did it to make sure that he was real. To make sure that I wasn’t imagining him since I had just been thinking about him. To make sure my mind wasn’t playing another trick on me. I hadn’t seen him in almost three months, and those three months had been good to him. He looked as handsome as ever and my heart started to ache.

  “Thanks. You look good, too.”

  “Can I buy you a coffee?” What a loaded question. It came out sounding simple, but what I really heard was can I please spend time with you?

  “I have one, but, thanks. What are you doing here?”

  “I was passing by and I saw you in the window. I had to stop.”

  “How did you even know it was me?”

  “I don’t need to see your face to know it’s you, Becca. I would be able to pick you out of a crowd from any angle. I see your face every time I close my eyes, and you are all I dream about. I told you that I would wait for you, for our time.”

  “Brad, I just...” What do I say to that? He loves me still, after all this time. After choosing Ethan over him, after the way I treated him after Ethan left, after everything that we’ve been through, he still loves me.

  How is that possible? I had been so terrible to him. I had turned him away. I had blamed him. I shut him out of my life without so much as an explanation. He knew what I was thinking but he didn’t really know why. He didn’t know what I had told Ethan that night. He didn’t know that I had confessed to loving him.

  “I know that things are still confusing for you. I know that you still need time to heal, time to grieve, time to understand it all.”

  He was right. I still needed time to understand it all. That was the biggest part of all this. How had I let everything go so far?

  It hurt. That pain in my chest was back, and it hurt. Just looking at him, the unmistakable look of sorrow on his face, the twinkle of hope in his eyes, was too much. This was all too much for me to handle right now. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was almost as if his love for me was suffocating me at that moment.

  “I do. I need more time.”

  I pulled my hand away from his and placed it gently in my lap, afraid that the smallest movement will give away the effect that he’s having on me right now. The uncertainty that I feel. I pulled my emotions back and the storm begins to stir.

  The slight shift in his demeanor told me that he understood what I was asking him. He knew that I needed him to leave. That I needed him to give me time, and that I meant time alone, without him around to influence my decision.

  He stood slowly and smiled. He gave me a quick kiss on the forehead and was gone as quickly as he had arrived. I knew that my friends were lurking somewhere, but I couldn’t see them. Natalie was the only one to come back to the table. She sat quietly while my mind processed what had just happened. She was waiting.

  I felt the tears begin to fall. I had not allowed myself to cry in what felt like forever. I had been putting on such a big front for all of my friends, for my mom, for me, that I had not allowed myself to feel any type of emotion.

  “He still loves me.” It was all I could say. It was really the only thing that was important to me at that moment. It was the only thing that my brain had processed. It’s like my mind was stuck on repeat. I wanted to replay our entire conversation over again in my head, but the only thing my brain wanted to comprehend was that one little, incredibly important fact.

  “I know. I can’t believe that you would ever doubt that.”

  She knew? How is that possible? She must have seen the wheels turning, or the expression I gave was one of shock, because when she continued, she explained everything.

  “He called me the night of graduation. He knew that he had broken you. He knew that what he had said to you was wrong, and that you would end up telling Ethan. He knew that it wouldn’t turn out well, and he felt terrible. Morgan invited him over and we all sat around and tried to figure out how he was going to fix it. By the next morning, we knew that it wasn’t possible. That’s when he broke. I have never seen him cry. He knew he had caused you pain and that there was no way for him to fix it, and he broke down. After the holidays, when you turned him away is when he really broke. He was on autopilot every day. He would go to school, go to work, and go home. He never went out anywhere. He never called anyone. Morgan called him a couple times a week to see how he was doing, but he only answered half
the time. We finally got him out of the house after a couple months and got him to go out with us one night. It was a struggle the entire time we were out. He was drunk after a few hours, and by the time we dropped him off at his place, he was babbling about you. How much he loves you. How bad he screwed up. How sorry he was for even moving here. I didn’t know who to call to help him. He was just as broken as you were.”

  Holy Crap!

  I had no idea that my relationship had broken him too. He was not responsible for our breakup. I played as big of a part, if not bigger, than he did. I was the one who chose to act the way I did. I was the one who needed to claim responsibility. I was the one who was in love with two people. He just loved me.

  “What happened after that? He seems fine now.” I’m sure she could hear the hesitation in my voice as I asked.

  “He’s better. It took a minute to figure out what he needed, but I finally did. I called Ethan.”

  “You what? Why would you do that?” I screamed out of pure shock. How could she do that?

  “It actually helped him. They talked for about an hour. They yelled and screamed and then calmed down and talked it out. I don’t know exactly what was said, but whatever it was, it helped. He’s been his normal self for the past month or so. I have to say, it’s nice to have him back. You too.”

  I hadn’t realized it, but I had not only broken up with Ethan, or rather he broke up with me, but I had broken up with Brad too. I had broken our friendship. I had broken all ties with him to try and save my relationship with Ethan. It hadn’t helped at all. It had been a pointless gesture to end our friendship, to try and save something that had already been lost. Ethan was still gone and apparently, he was talking to everyone but me now.