Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  His expression hasn’t changed. He’s staring directly at me, and instantly, my knees get weak and my breathing slows. This is bad, really bad.

  He slowly hands me the envelope in his hand. I reach out to take it, but before he lets go of it, our eyes meet, and I see in his eyes what I already know in my heart. Our relationship is over.

  “Natalie wrote me this. I know she wrote one to you too. She asked me to make sure that you read yours before I had you read mine. I’m not sure what yours said, but I understand why she wants you to read mine.”

  His hand falls away, and I’m left standing there, holding yet another letter from Natalie. I clutch the letter in my hand and bring it to my chest, over my heart. Why does she want me to read his letter?

  “What else, Brad. I know there’s something else.”

  “Read the letter first, Becca, then we can talk. I think it will make more sense that way. As much as I want to disagree with what she wrote, she was right. She was right about a lot of things.”

  I knew what Natalie had written to me about Brad. I knew she thought that we were better as friends. I was beginning to agree with her, but I figured that Ethan’s presence was influencing my perception.

  He put his untouched coffee cup down on the counter and moved to stand in front of me. He pulled me into a tight embrace, and I let him hold me. I closed my eyes, and for a moment, I was back in Michigan, on my mom’s couch on New Year’s Eve, letting him hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. My best friend.

  He kissed my hair and stepped back. I opened my eyes to find him staring directly at me. The gold specks around his iris twinkling in the light. His eyes were telling me good-bye. He was sad, confused, defeated. I also saw understanding and acceptance. I wasn’t losing my best friend, I was getting him back.

  “Call me this afternoon, after you read this,” he said pointing to the letter in my hand.

  I nodded and looked to the floor, breaking our eye contact. I wasn’t ready to lose or gain anyone in my life. I was okay with the way things were. I was happy with the way things were. Who was I kidding? Our relationship had never crossed the line beyond friendship, unless you count kissing.

  He was gone by the time I looked back up. I hear the front door shut and his car start before I even attempted to move. I looked up at the clock to see that I had to leave for class. I pulled out a travel mug and transferred my coffee. I was going to need it if I was going to make it through this day. I shove Natalie’s letter in my bag, and I’m out the door in less than two minutes.

  Class was less than entertaining. I was focused on the letter in my bag the entire time, and the professor’s lecture barely registered on my radar. I was distracted. Even after trying to clear my mind and focus, I knew I still wasn’t going to retain any of the lecture.

  After class, I went and got a refill on my coffee then sought out a quiet spot to read Natalie’s letter. I walked around looking for the perfect place and ended up at the tennis courts. They were empty again surprisingly.

  My tennis bag was in the backseat of my car where I left it the other day. I contemplated walking back across campus to where I had parked but knew that if I did, I would not get this letter read.

  I opened the gate and headed towards the practice boards. I plopped down on the court and rested my back against the boards. It took me a minute to find the letter in my bag. Once it was in my hand, it was like my heart jumpstarted itself.

  I knew I had to get this over with. I knew that whatever Natalie had written was obviously important to her. She must have felt that in some way, her knowledge, her opinion, would somehow help. I had no doubt that it would, but I was scared to see what she had written to Brad. If it was anything like what she had written to me, I could only imagine the heartbreak he was feeling right now.

  Brad,

  I know that this letter is unexpected but I want you to know that I have always considered you a close friend. I may not have always agreed with your methods or your relationship with Becca, but I always understood how important she was to you and how much you care about her.

  167

  That’s why I need for you to do a few things for me. Call me selfish and bossy but I really think that it’s for the best, for both of you. I know that you love her but I think you love her the only way that you know how, the only way that you ever have. She’s your best friend. She’s your other half. That’s the way things were meant to be. You two were meant to be friends. I know that a lot of people say that the best relationships develop from friendship. I agree with that, wholeheartedly. I don’t think any relationship is as strong unless you are also friends with the person you love, that you respect them for who they are, and that you accept them unconditionally. You two have all of that but you are missing the one key component to having a successful relationship.

  You have to be the one that owns her heart, Brad, and unfortunately for you, her heart belongs to Ethan. I know that you two have fought for her, over her, but I think it’s time for Becca to finally decide what she wants, who she wants to be with. In the letter I wrote her, I told her to let you go. I am not trying to hurt you by telling you that. Whether she listens to me or not is up to her. I know she loves you, deeply, but I also know that if she was “in love” with you that your relationship would have progressed by now.

  Like I said, I’m not telling you this to hurt your feelings. I care about you. You are a great friend. I want you to be prepared. Ethan is going to be coming back for my funeral. I’m not trying to be morbid but I know it’s inevitable that whatever is wrong with me will eventually be the end of me. I can feel it in my bones. When Ethan comes back, Becca is going to need you. She’s going to need someone to help her stand on her own two feet. She’s going to need someone to help her through everything—losing me and seeing him again. That person needs to be you.

  That brings me to my first favor...I need for you to take care of her for me. I need for you to make sure that she survives this, all of this, and lands on her feet. She’s going to need her best friend by her side. I can’t be there for her but you can.

  Secondly, I need for you to help her forgive Ethan. She forgave herself for what happened, and I know that she never blamed you for anything, but she needs to forgive him. If she can’t forgive him, then there will never be any chance that she will find happiness.

  Third, I need for you to make sure that Ethan does not leave without the two of them hashing out their relationship. I know this will be hard for you, but I need for you to make sure that this happens, it’s important to me, and it will be important to both of them. Once Ethan is gone, assuming Becca is stubborn as usual, I need for you to help her see the light at the end of the tunnel so that she can go after him. She’ll let him leave, she’ll let him go back to England, and then she’ll regret it. Help her see the light so that she goes to England and makes amends with him. The only catch here is that she won’t do that if she’s still dating you. She’s going to need you for this but she’s not going to need her boyfriend, she’s going to need her best friend.

  I will not ask or tell you to break up with her, but I think we both know that in order to uncomplicate her life, being just her friend is what she will need. I’m sorry for that, but I know that you know I’m right.

  I’m asking a lot of you and you can’t even argue with me or tell me no. I’m sorry, really I am. I know I have the upper hand here but there are still two things I need for you to do for me.

  First, I need you to be there for Morgan. Ben is the only real friend he’s ever had, and I don’t really trust him. His idea of helping Morgan move on will be to take him to a party, get him drunk, and get him laid. If that happens, I will haunt Ben for the rest of his life. He’s going to need a shoulder to lean on, someone to help him pick up the pieces and build a new puzzle. He’s going to take this the hardest. He’s just going to need friends, and you and Becca are the only ones I trust.

  Secondly, I need for you to call Ethan
. Let him know that I’m gone. Let him know when the funeral is so that he can be here. I have sent him a letter and asked him to do something for me, but he needs to know that I’m gone. I would do this myself but...well, I guess that’s a bad joke. I’ve never really been able to tell a good one, and I shouldn’t try to start now.

  Take care of her and take care of yourself, Brad. Everyone will survive without me. They will be sad but they will move on. Life goes on. I just won’t be there to make it interesting.

  Natalie

  I’m crying. I know I’m crying, but I don’t really know why. Natalie knew what would happen. She knew that I would fall apart, that I would need someone to lean on, that I would send Ethan away even though my heart was conflicted about it. She knew everything. It’s almost like she set all of this in motion, but why?

  I no longer wondered why Brad wanted me to read his letter first. It explained a lot. How Ethan knew about Natalie. Why he came back to town. Mostly, it explained what I knew he wanted to talk to me about. He was going to break up with me, and as much as I knew that it was supposed to hurt, it just didn’t.

  I immediately picked up my phone to call him. There was no use wasting time. I unlocked my screen to find two new text messages waiting for me. One was from my boss and one was from Ethan. Oh boy! Here we go.

  I overscheduled today so I don’t need you to come in. Call George is you really want to work. He may give up his shift.

  No, thank you. I will gladly take the night off.

  Ethan: I leave at 7. I still think we need to talk. Call me please.

  Again, no thank you. I can’t deal with that right now. Right now, my boyfriend is about to break up with me and that is enough drama and heartache for one day. A girl can only take so much.

  Instead of calling Brad, I sent him a quick text telling him to meet me at my house. I don’t want to do this over the phone. I feel I, at least, deserve a face to face with him if he’s going to go through with it. I’m not debating the fact that I think Natalie is right, there’s no one to debate it with.

  I headed back to my car and cranked the air. It’s hot out today. I’m covered in sweat from sitting on the courts, soaking up the sun. I can feel the heat on my cheeks. The cold air is refreshingly blowing on my face, and for a moment, I closed my eyes and let the cooling feeling take over.

  A short moment turned into a half hour. I woke up to the sound of my phone alerting me to a new text. I hadn’t realized I had fallen asleep. I hadn’t realized that I was even tired. Apparently, the sun had taken more out of me than I thought.

  Brad: Are you on your way? I’m getting worried about you.

  He was waiting for me at my house.

  I fastened my seatbelt and put my car in reverse. I know what will happen when I get there. I know what to expect. Still, I’m nervous. I don’t want to lose my friend, my confidant. I don’t want to lose him completely. I knew it might happen if we started dating, but I wasn’t thinking about it at the time.

  At the time, all I wanted was to feel loved by someone. To share my life with someone. Someone to hold me at night and talk to during the day. In hindsight, I had all of that with Brad as my friend. I didn’t need to risk everything.

  The drive feels like it takes forever and not long enough at the same time. One minute I’m waiting for the light on campus to change, and the next I’m turning onto my street. I remember passing work. I remember passing my turn that would have taken me to Natalie’s house.

  I pull in the driveway, and my heart feels like it’s about to jump out of my chest. I can hear it beating over my radio. I can feel the pounding against my skin. I’m not sure why I’m nervous, anxious. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to happen.

  I see him waiting for me in the living room as I dropped my bag by the stairs. I contemplated going up, taking a moment and composing myself, but I’m still not sure what’s about to happen. I need to be strong. I know Natalie would want me to face this, head on, and move forward with my life after all is said and done. I tried to do that with Ethan, and I was unsuccessful. I have the chance to redeem myself right now, and I needed to take that chance.172

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. It’s about time. I was starting to get worried about you. The storm is going to be here in about fifteen minutes, and I didn’t want you out driving around in it.”

  “I’m fine. I fell asleep in my car.”

  “Okay. So, did you read Natalie’s letter?”

  Nothing like getting straight to the point.

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. I need to say some things before we talk about it. I know you are wondering why I asked you to read it.”

  “Yeah. I understand that Natalie’s opinion mattered to you, to me, but I don’t understand why you wanted me to read her letter.”

  “Trust me. After I’m done saying what I have to say, you will understand.”

  “I trust you, completely. You should know that by now.”

  “Good.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. I know that this is going to be hard to hear, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be harder for him to say. “I love you, more than anything else in this world. Natalie helped me realize that. After Ethan left... well, you weren’t the only person that was in a dark place. I felt responsible. I felt awful about everything. I was selfish and wasn’t thinking about anyone else but myself and how I felt, what I wanted. Natalie pushed me to talk about my feelings, about how I felt about you. She knew that I loved you, that I was in love with you, and she helped me see that what I did was not malicious. It was out of love. I reached for what I wanted and took a chance.”

  The tears at the corners of his eyes caused me to look away. I can’t bear to see him cry. If he does, I will start, and right now I am being strong. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

  “I didn’t realize until it was too late that what I was feeling was jealousy. Yes, I love you. I always have. I always will. What I was feeling when I kissed you in the bathroom that day was not love. It was me wanting something that I knew I couldn’t have and trying to take it with no thought about the consequences. I was selfish.”

  To hear him say it is unreal. It’s amazing how when things are put into perspective, the light shines down and the answers are clear.

  “After talking to Natalie and Morgan and then Ethan I knew...”

  “You talked to Ethan? About what happened?”

  “Yes, I’m getting to that. At first, we both just yelled, a lot. Once we calmed down enough to have a civilized conversation, we worked things out. I took the blame, and we made amends. He’s still not my biggest fan, but we called a truce and both decided that we needed to focus on your happiness and not our own. If you’re happy, we will be happy. We both love you and that’s really all that matters in the end.”

  “So, the two of you decided what was best for me, without asking me what I wanted?” I can hear the anger in my voice so I’m sure that he can hear it too.

  “Yes. But listen. He’s still in love with you. He wants to be with you, for things to go back to the way they were. So do I. You were happy then. You were the happiest I have ever seen you when you and Ethan were together. You need that happiness in your life right now. So I am bowing out gracefully. I will always be here for you, always be a part of your life, and always love you more than I will ever be able to put into words. And I know you love me too, but not like you love him. I am your best friend, I always will be, and right now, you need a friend. You need a shoulder to cry on. You need us, the old version of us. Let me be that person for you again, Becca.”

  I don’t really know what to say. He’s giving me a choice. I have to make the decision, and I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m mad at him for talking to Ethan. I’m mad at Ethan for keeping tabs on me behind my back. I’m mad at Natalie for making us have this conversation. Most of all, I’m mad at myself for causing all of this. In the end, it really was my fault that I was even in this predicament. I was the one who
caused this.

  I heard the rain starting to fall outside. The drops hitting the roof of the house made it sound like there was a drum being beat softly from across the room. I closed my eyes and allowed myself a moment of solace and just listened. I’m not sure what I was listening for, but it felt right. I needed for someone to tell me what to say. I needed for someone to tell me the right answers.

  I felt it, him. He was either close or he was thinking about me. I knew that deep down inside, I belong to him and he belongs to me. There was no reason to fight it. Brad was right, about everything he was saying. I needed him, my best friend. Without Natalie, he was all I really had, the only one I could really count on. I also needed Ethan. He was the love of my life. I would never love another like I loved him, and I would never feel as loved by another like I feel loved by him.

  I opened my eyes to find that Brad was nowhere to be seen. The only evidence that he had even been here was the envelope that was sitting in his place on the couch. I could see my name scribbled across the front of it. It was barely legible beyond the capital B, but I knew it was for me.

  I slowly made my way across the room and picked up the envelope. It was from Ethan. His handwriting was unique. I immediately go on alert. I feel him again and this time, the feeling is stronger. I turn, expecting to find him standing behind me, but he’s not there. I can see Brad in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge. The sight brings a smile to my face. He’s comfortable, even after the incredibly uncomfortable conversation we just had.

  I snuck up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He jumps, unaware of my presence, but immediately relaxes when he realizes it’s me. We stand like this, my head resting on his shoulder, my arms wrapped around him tightly, for what feels like forever, but still not long enough. We were breaking up. Our relationship was over, but our friendship was still as strong as ever. It was a good feeling.

  “So, are you going to open it, friend?”