Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  “No, friend. I need time before I open it.”

  “Becca, he leaves in a few hours. You need to open it, sooner rather than later.”

  I knew he was right but that didn’t make it any easier.

  “Look, he asked me to make sure that you opened it before he left, but I will leave that up to you. I’m starving and your mom needs to go to the store, so I’m gonna go get some food. I can come back if you want, or I can leave you to do this on your own.”

  “I got this. I promise to open it as soon as you leave. I think it’s time to put an end to all of this.”

  His smile turned upside down. “I love you to death, but you are delusional.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “Listen to what you’re saying. You want to ‘put an end’ to all of this. There is only one way this will end, Becca.”

  “Don’t I have a choice in the matter? Don’t I get to decide my future? Or did you and Ethan map it out for me already?” I’m instantly angry. Angry at him, at Ethan. I get to decide, not them. I’m a big girl. I can make big girl decisions. I decide what my future holds, no one else.

  “Look, I’m not trying to piss you off, but I think you know that your heart has already made its decision. Don’t allow your fear to take over.”

  I want to respond but I can’t find the words. My anger has already melted away, and I feel like I want to cry. My emotions are running wild. One minute I feel like the world is crumbling and I want to run and hide, and the next I feel like I’m on top of the world, soaring to the next great thing.

  He kisses me on the forehead and turns to leave. He knows that I need to do this alone, but I fear that he also knows what my decision is going to be. How does everyone around me know what is going to happen before I do. It seems very unfair, but life seems unfair right now.

  Chapter 18

  I grab the letter and my bag and make my way up to my room. I need privacy. I need to be alone while I cry because I know that I am probably going to cry.

  I plop down on my unmade bed and set the envelope on my pillow. I stare at it for a few minutes and take a few deep, cleansing breaths. I’m not ready for this. I need more time, but time is running out. I glanced at my clock and see that Ethan’s plane is leaving in less than three hours. If I wanted to talk to him before he gets on that plane, I need to do it sooner rather than later.

  I slid my finger under the flap to break the seal. I slowly pulled out the contents and realized that this is going to be much harder than I even imagined. I’m crying even before I pick up the first item.

  Open-ended. He bought me an open-ended plane ticket to London. I can go whenever I’m ready. His optimism is amazing. At least he’s giving me the choice.

  The next is a photo. I’m not surprised by this. There’s nothing written on the back, so I can’t even begin to imagine what the picture is of. I flip it over and immediately drop it to the floor. Natalie.

  I remember when the picture was taken. It was our first day of senior year. Natalie, Lainey, Jill, and I were all standing in front of my car, wearing shirts that said Seniors Rule. We were all so young. We had our whole lives ahead of us still, and you could see the excitement on our faces for our last year of high school.

  The letter is the last thing I look at. I know that whatever he has written is going to bring me to my knees. My love for him is so deep that I can feel my heart breaking at the thought of this being our last conversation, as one-sided as it is. His way of getting me to listen without interrupting. I have to laugh a little at that. I never have been very good at listening.

  Becca,

  I don’t think that I have to tell you how much I love you, you should know, you should be able to feel it. I still feel it. I can feel how much you love me right now as your reading this letter and I can’t even see you. As stubborn as you are at times, I might be over the Atlantic right now.

  I think the contents of the envelope are self-explanatory. I still want you to be a part of my life. I want you by my side, and when the day comes that you’re ready to be a part of my life again, the ticket will bring you back to me.

  There’s no expiration on the ticket, or my invitation. I promised you that I would love you forever and I meant it.

  I gave you the picture because I wanted you to smile. I wanted you to remember a time in your life when things were less complicated. Plus, I know how much Natalie loved that photo. She always said that it was her reminder of a time when things were simpler, when life was all about what was going on next weekend instead of next month or next year. It helped her to keep life in perspective; maybe it can do the same for you.

  I know that I still have a lot of explaining to do about the portrait that I sent you. The fact that you haven’t mentioned it tells me that it’s still wrapped. Open it, Becca. Before you read any further, open it. If you don’t, then none of this will make sense.

  I set the letter down and move towards my closet. I slowly opened the doors and reached in to where the package is supposed to be. It hasn’t moved. It’s still tucked back in the corner. The corner that I like to hide all my fears in.

  I pull it out and slowly rip the packaging away, revealing not one, but two, portraits inside. They are facing each other to protect them from the elements, from damage. I can’t see what they are of, but I know that I only purchased one. He definitely has some explaining to do. I want to read ahead in his letter, find out what I’m about to see, but I don’t.

  I lay the two portraits face up on my floor and just stare. The portrait I purchased is on the right. I still can’t believe the emotion he captured. I’m staring at it, unable to think about anything other than the fact that I ruined our relationship. My insecurities, my fears, my decisions, or lack thereof, ruined our relationship. I’m almost in a trance, staring at my own face when I glimpse at the other portrait and do a double take.

  This one is also of me. My emotions are captured perfectly, of course. You can even see the tears that are running down my face. You can see the fact that I’m trying to hide my face. You can see my fear, my love, and the shock. You can see every emotion I was feeling at that moment, how uncomfortable I was, and how self-conscious I was acting. He captured me perfectly. How did I not know he was taking my picture?

  I should have done my hair. I took time with it that afternoon, I remember that much, but I should have done more with it. The walking around had blown it out a little and you could see that my natural curl was fighting against the product and flat iron I had used. I still looked pretty, that much I will admit. Maybe it was the fact that all I really saw was the raw emotion that he had captured that made me like the photo so much.

  I smiled but it quickly faded when I realized that he knew. He knew that I had gone to England, and that I had been to the gallery. He had seen me there and had said nothing at the time. He knew I still loved him because he knew I had come for him, and yet he had said nothing. Not a single word since then. Nothing.

  The letter. He said that it would explain everything. I needed to finish that letter. I rushed back to my bed where I left it sitting. I turned to the second page and started looking for answers. I needed to know why he never said anything. Why he let me leave without him saying anything to me. He obviously knew I was there. Why had he let me walk away again?

  Assuming you listened to my request (I really hope you did), you have questions. I can answer them for you, all of them, but you may not like what I have to say so you need to prepare yourself for that.

  Natalie called me after you boarded the plane. She told me that you were on your way to see me. She didn’t tell me why. She didn’t actually tell me much of anything. She said that you were finally out of the dark hole, that you had finally let her in, and that the walls you had built around your heart were down. She asked me to be gentle with you, to “approach with caution” because she wasn’t sure how you would react. I promised her I would protect your heart, always.

  I was surprised that you didn’t know
I was taking your picture. I couldn’t help myself, I’m sorry. I knew the second you walked into the gallery, the second you arrived. My body was pulling me to you, to where you were. I had my camera on me and I took the shot. It turned out even more beautiful than I could have imagined. I went to put my camera away and that’s when I knew you left. I felt your pain. I felt you run. I knew why, I knew what you saw in that picture. I saw it too. I still see it every time I look at it. The end. The end of what we had.

  180

  I came back out hoping I was wrong, but when I didn’t see you...well, my heart broke. I had lost my chance. The first chance I had truly had to win you back, to show you that

  I was still in love with you, and I blew it. The disappointment on my face was evident, even after I was told I had made my first sale. They didn’t have to tell me which piece sold, or to whom. I already knew.

  I cancelled the purchase. Your receipt for a refund is enclosed. Think of the portraits as a gift, from me to you, of the pain that we shared and the love that we hold close to our hearts and are afraid to give to one another. I still love you, Becca. I can’t say it enough. When you’re ready to let me love you again, to share your love with me again, I will be here, waiting. There is no one else that I would rather spend the rest of my life with.

  You are my future, you are my everything.

  Ethan

  I don’t really know what to think. My heart is overwhelmed by all his beautiful words. I need to think about this. I need to figure out what I want, what my heart wants, what it can handle. The thing is, all I can think about is Ethan. He’s the one I want. He’s who my heart craves, who my heart belongs to. There will never be another.

  I need to get to the airport. I have less than two hours to stop him from leaving. I attempt to slide the letter back in the envelope. It’s stuck on something, so I turned the envelope upside down to dump everything out. The letter floats to the bed, and the piece causing all the trouble drops on top of it.

  My engagement ring. What is he trying to tell me? Does he still want to marry me? Is he proposing again? None of those explanations make sense. The only person who knows what any of this means is Ethan. I need to ask him if I want answers.

  I rush down the stairs and grab my purse off the counter. I can hear Ethan speaking to me, the words from his letter fresh in my mind. I can hear Natalie pushing me. I can hear Brad’s voice, telling me that he wants things to go back to the way they used to be, when we were just friends. I can hear everyone’s voices, loud and clear, telling me what they want.

  I stop dead in my track right outside the front door. The voices stop too. I don’t need to rush to the airport. I don’t need to go anywhere. He’s here.

  “Going somewhere?”

  He’s so smug sometimes. His smile tells me that he knows exactly where I was going. He knows that I was rushing to him, to find him, to stop him.

  “Not anymore. I have questions and you’re the only one who can answer them. I was coming to find you.”

  “You found me.” Damn that smile! His dimple is winking at me, and my body is responding. I can see his tattoo peeking out from under his sleeve, and my body goes on high alert. I cannot allow my hormones to rule this conversation.

  “I guess I did.” I toss him my engagement ring. The grip I had on it has left imprints in my palm. Letting it go allowed me to realize the pain.

  He caught it with ease and tosses it back to me. “That belongs to you.”

  “It used to. I’m not engaged anymore.”

  “You could be.”

  “No. I need to date and fall in love again before I agree to marry someone.”

  “I don’t have much time, but would you like to go out for coffee with me? We can work on the falling in love part another time.”

  “I can’t. See, my heart belongs to this guy I used to date. I can’t really just give it away to someone else.”

  “He’s one lucky guy then.”

  I smile because I miss this, our back and forth, the banter that comes so naturally. I miss talking to him without feeling like I’m about to fall apart or combust from the overwhelming emotions. I miss him. Too bad this can’t last forever. I need answers.

  “I still have questions, Ethan. Like, why? Why didn’t you ever call, or text, or try to reach out to me?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “I figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me at first, then I figured it was too late. I was angry at myself for walking away in the beginning. Once I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to live without you, I figured it was too late. Then you came to London. I thought that maybe, if I was lucky, you came for me. That you came because you still loved me, you still wanted to be with me. When you ran, I knew I had hurt you again. I thought that maybe I was being selfish to want you in my life when all I kept doing was causing you pain. I gave up on us for a minute. Problem was, I still couldn’t stop thinking about you. You were everywhere I turned. I would see you on the streets of London, or at least I thought I was seeing you. I freaked a couple people out. Then Natalie called. She told me what had happened, that she was in the hospital. She knew something bigger was wrong with her, and she was trying to push everyone away on purpose. She knew she wasn’t going to make it in the end. She wanted to try and make it easier on everyone. She called me every other day until one day she didn’t. I got the call from Brad instead and booked my flight while I was still on the phone with him. He told me how bad you were taking it, and I knew that you needed me. I knew that this would be my only chance to try and win you back. I knew that if you didn’t still love me that I was going to have to say good-bye to you. Does that answer your question?”

  He’s standing so close to me. Somehow, he managed to move from the driveway to the front porch during his speech, and I didn’t even notice until he stopped talking. I wanted to reach out, to touch him, but I knew if I did that, that I was a goner. There would be no turning back at that point.

  “Yeah. That definitely answers my question and a bunch more that I hadn’t even asked. One more thing, though. Why didn’t you ever call me? You say that you thought the opportunity was gone but you never even tried. You didn’t even give me the opportunity to make a decision. You made it for me.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t have a good answer for you. I wanted to call you, so many times. Honestly, I was scared. I was scared that you wouldn’t want what I wanted. I was scared that you had truly moved on, and that if I called you, that I would ruin that for you. The last thing I want is to cause you more pain, Becca.”

  “Why now?’

  “I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of running away from everything I’m feeling. I want to be happy again, and the only way that’s going to happen is if I have you back in my life. Call me selfish, but it’s what I want. I wasn’t sure how you would react until I saw you. The way your body responded to me, the way you leaned back into me and let me hold you. It all felt too natural. I knew you would fight it, but I knew you couldn’t fight it forever. I had to make my move. I had to lay it all out on the table and take the risk. I knew you still loved me the moment I laid eyes on you before the funeral. The rest...well, the rest just happened. I let it come naturally. Everything I’ve done or said since that moment was because of how you reacted to me.”

  “I never had a choice in the matter, did I? It was never about what I wanted. My heart has been controlling my every move since the moment you walked back into my life. It wasn’t a coincidence that you were at the courts the other day. What happened in the bathroom...none of this was my choice. I haven’t made a single decision with my brain since you came back. Now, you’re leaving, and my brain is working overtime to try and catch up with my heart. It feels like they will never be on the same page.”

  “I know that you’re confused. I’ve been confused, conflicted, emotionally drained, for the last six months. I know what I want now. It took me a while to figure it out, but eve
ntually it was clear. You. That’s all I want, for the rest of my life. I want you, Becca, and I hope that you feel the same way. It may not be today or even tomorrow, but eventually one day, I hope you feel the same way. When you do, you have the ticket and the ring and you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting.”

  I know that he means every word he said. I can feel the love radiating from his body. I wanted to respond, to tell him that today is that day, that I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Of course, I don’t. I don’t say anything. He must know that I need time because he kisses me on the head and pulls me close. I hug him, I hold on for dear life, afraid that if I let go, that this will be the end of everything for us. The only thing I know right now is that I do not want this to be the end. I know I want more, I’m just not sure how much.

  The second his lips touched my cheek, I felt it. Good-bye. It didn’t feel final, but it was still good-bye. I knew that he was leaving our future in my hands. I knew that he was letting me make the decision. Our happiness, together or separate from each other, was in my hands. Just the thought made my heart feel heavier.

  I watched him walk away. I admired the view, wondering when I would be able to pull myself together enough to be able to face him again. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stay away from him for long. I knew that my heart would cave and that I would be in London soon. I knew all of this yet I didn’t say a word as he walked away. I let him walk away so that I could get my life together. I needed to be in a better place before I could be with him again.

  Chapter 19

  I have been dreading this day all week. Normally, Friday was my favorite day of the week. Not because it was the weekend, I worked most weekends, but because it meant that I got a little “me time.” I have been taking advantage of my “me time” lately. Most of it has been spent on the courts, alone. I refuse to play with anyone else right now, not that I have anyone who would dare play with me. Ethan is the only person that I can think of that would actually dare to challenge me.