Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  Ethan. I got another text from him yesterday. It’s almost like clockwork. Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at noon, I received a new text from him. They are never about anything important. It’s really just him saying hello, asking me how I’m doing. It’s him keeping him at the forefront of my mind. It’s been almost six weeks since I’ve seen him, and my heart yearns for him more and more every day.

  I walked into the restaurant and looked around. I finally spotted him in the far back corner with his head down. I didn’t expect any less. He was still taking the loss hard. Natalie was his world, his everything. I cannot imagine what he must be feeling. I still miss her every day, so it has to be ten times worse for him.

  “Hey Morgan.” I try to sound upbeat, happy, but my voice cracks and betrays me. You can hear how nervous I am, how unsure I feel about seeing him. I’ve talked to him on the phone since the funeral, but he’s been avoiding me at all costs. The only person he’s seen, that I know of, is Brad. That was only once, and Brad said it was devastating to see him like that. I can see what he was talking about the second he lifts his head.

  “Hey.”

  Not much of a talker today. There’s no emotion behind his words. He’s not happy to see me. He’s not sad. He’s empty. I can sympathize with him. I know how it feels to feel empty, like you have no one and nothing is worth living for. His heart has been ripped out. I wonder if this is how I was after Ethan left.

  I slide into the booth seat across from him, but I have no idea what to say. Nothing is going to take his pain away. Nothing is going to lessen everything he feels right now. They say that time heals all wounds. I believe that’s true, but how much time is enough time to heal Morgan? I know that I will never be the same without Natalie in my life. I know that Morgan will never be the same either, and I’m scared for him. I’m scared that he will never come close to being the amazing person that he once was. I don’t want to see this destroy him.

  The waitress comes over and I order a cup of coffee, Morgan orders water. She walks away and returns moments later with our drinks. I let her know that I will flag her down when we’re ready to order. I’m pretty sure this upsets her since she walks away without acknowledging what I just said. There goes her tip.

  I’m still at a loss for words. I want to ask him how he’s doing. It’s the most natural way to start a conversation. The sad part is that I know how he’s doing, and he’s not doing that great. I need a mutual subject. Natalie. Crap! She’s always been our common ground. She was the link in our friendship.

  I need for you to take care of him, to help him through this, to make sure that he moves on. I want him to lead a full life. I want him to find someone to spend his life with, to marry, to have children and grow old with.

  I can hear Natalie’s voice. I want to scream. How? How am I supposed to do that? I can barely figure out how to have a conversation with him. How was I supposed to help him move on? I have barely moved on.

  “So...um, have you registered for classes yet?”

  School. That was the best thing I could come up with to break the ice. He’s staring at me like a deer caught in the headlights. I see his mouth start to curve up in the right corner, and I must have looked confused because he starts to laugh at me. Not a little chuckle, either. I can feel people turning to stare at Morgan because he’s laughing so hard and incredibly loud.

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just...I know why you’re here. School, really? That’s the best ice breaker you can come up with. I’m devastated over here. I’ve just lost my best friend, the love of my life, and you want to talk about school?”

  It took me a minute to realize that while he was talking, he also started to cry. Talking about Natalie, even though he hadn’t said her name, had brought him to tears. I don’t know what else to do, so I trust my guts for once and reach over to take his hand.

  “I’m sorry. I’m obviously not very good at this. This was the stuff that Natalie used to take care of for us. This is the crap that she loved to do. She loved helping us pick up the pieces of our lives and glue them back together. She loved taking care of us, all of us.”

  This brought a small smile to his face. It wasn’t a sad smile, either. It was genuine, like he was glad that I had noticed that about her, remembered that about her.

  “She sure did. I thought she was never going to come down from the high she got after Ethan left you.”

  Ouch! That kind of stung but I’ll take it. He’s talking. He’s talking and it’s about Natalie. From what I understand, I’ve accomplished more in the last five minutes than anyone else has in the last six weeks.

  “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t have wanted her to float away so I had to pull myself out of it. She helped of course. I couldn’t have done it without her. I couldn’t have done it without either of you.”

  “You know, she always thought that you and Ethan would get back together, we all did. I know you two had a few run-ins while he was here. What happened?”

  “That’s what you want to talk about? Me and Ethan?”

  “I don’t really want to talk about anything. What I want most right now is the remote control, and our, my bed.”

  “See, its things like that. You said ‘our’ but you caught yourself. It’s okay to still say those things. It’s okay to miss her. It’s okay to wish she was here, to mourn your loss, to feel sad every day. I don’t want you to think that I’m worried about you because you’re sad. We’re all worried about you because it feels like a large part of you died when Natalie did.”

  “But I did. She was my life. When she died, I did to.”

  “I should make you read the letter she wrote me. She loved you so much, you know that. Not just because she was going to marry you. Not the kind of love that most people experience in a lifetime. She loved you more than she loved herself. She wants more for you than what you have right now. I don’t think it’s much of a stretch that she expects more from you than what you are right now.”

  “It’s funny how well you knew her. Lainey called last week, and some of the things she said just didn’t make any sense. It’s like she had no idea who Natalie even was. Jill too. You only knew her for the last five years; they grew up together.”

  “It’s not how long I knew her that matters, it’s how well I understood her. She was a complex person. There were more sides to that girl than I can even begin to describe. You know all of them as well as I do, maybe even better.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. She was amazing, though. The only person I have ever known that could juggle as much as she was and still somehow come out on top.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, she was planning the wedding, bringing you back from your own personal hell, taking a full load of classes, working almost full time, and putting up with me on a daily basis. After all of that was said and done, she still found time to clean the house, go to the movies with me, laugh with her friends over coffee, and spend time alone with her favorite book. She was amazing.”

  “Yeah, she was.” Do I tell him the reason I’m here? Do I tell him what Natalie wrote about him in my letter? I think it will help. I think he needs to hear it. “You know, she’s still bossing us all around without even being here. Just yesterday, she whispered in my ear to stop drinking so much coffee. I decided against another cup, and two seconds later, I was nauseated. It’s almost like she knew it wasn’t going to agree with me. I hear her voice all the time, telling me what to do.”

  He was quiet for a minute, like he was deciding if he should tell me what was on his mind or not. The look on his face had me puzzled. He wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t happy. His mood had changed to something in-between. It almost looked like acceptance.

  “I talked to her yesterday. I know it sounds crazy, believe me, I know, but I really did. I fell asleep on the couch and there she was. It was so real, Becca. I was so caught off guard that I didn’t say anything at first, I just stared at her. Finally, she sat down
next to me, and I had an entire conversation with her.”

  I knew what he was talking about. I could tell that the thought of it alone was overwhelming him. I remember the first time that I saw Natalie, when I was in her bathroom, before Ethan and Brad cornered me. It was overwhelming. Hearing about his experience was just as overwhelming, for me and for him.

  “I believe you. What did she say?”

  “Not much. She said that she loved me too much to watch me fall apart and that if I didn’t get my act together that she wouldn’t come back and see me again. I can still hear her voice.”

  “I hear it all the time. I see her sometimes too, so I know how crazy it sounds. I’ve never told anyone but it feels good to get it off my chest. She’s trying to tell us something, I think.”

  “In the letter she wrote me, she told me that this would happen. That I would be like this, depressed and unwilling to pull myself out of it. She told me that one day, you and I would have a conversation and that I was supposed to listen to everything you said and move on with my life. She told me this would happen.”

  “She made this happen. She made me promise to take care of you. She made me promise to help you move on with your life, to find someone new to spend it with. I know that sounds painful right now. I know you don’t have any plans to do that any time soon. Just know that I’m here to always help you remember her, even once you have moved on. She wouldn’t want us to forget her but to carry her in our hearts, forever.”

  That was it. I had said what I needed to say. Done what was asked of me. I felt better about keeping my promise to Natalie, even though she never gave me much of a choice. I knew that she would have done the same for me if the situation had been reversed.

  Don’t waste any more time not being together. Life is way too short for that.

  An hour later, we both got up from the table with a smile on our face. Morgan was starting to sound like the person I’ve always known, and my head and my heart were a little lighter. I knew that Morgan was going to be okay. Not tomorrow or the next day, but someday soon. He will always keep Natalie in his heart—we all will—but he was going to make room for someone else someday because that’s what Natalie would have wanted him to do.

  As for me, I learned a great deal about myself after talking with Morgan. Everything that he was going through right now, I had already been there. It was interesting, seeing what I had gone through from the other side. I realized that I would not have made it if I had not been blessed with such amazing friends. Natalie, Morgan, and Brad had pulled me back, and I was now determined to help pull Morgan back.

  I went to throw some money down on the table to cover my coffee when I realized that I never even touched it. I sat through an entire conversation and never even took a sip. On any other day, during any other conversation, I would have at least drank half a pot, and the waitress would have been excited when I left. I guess things really are changing.

  With school about to be over for the summer, I found that my mind was more occupied. It was nice to have a break from thinking about Natalie all the time, or Ethan, or Brad. Speaking of Brad, he and I have finally found our comfort zone again. It took a while, but we have successfully managed to get back to where we used to be.

  We found out pretty quickly that we needed to set some ground rules to our friendship. Rule number one...no more kissing! Rule number two...no more sleepovers. We may never have consummated our relationship, but it was still weird to have him in my bed knowing that I was once again thinking about Ethan.

  Ethan. His texts are like clockwork. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I always have my phone by my side when I know that it’s time for him to text me. We’re rebuilding our relationship. We didn’t have to start from scratch like I thought we would, but we started as close to the beginning as possible. We had both grown during our time apart and we were different, as slight as it was. We needed to get to know the people we had become, the person that had emerged on the other side of the tragedy.

  It’s approaching seven o’clock in London right now, the normal time for him to text me. I hear the tower clock at the center of campus chime for the noon hour, and at the same time, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I don’t even have to look to know that it’s him.

  92

  Ethan: Just wanted to say hello, let you know that I was thinking about you today, like every other day. Talked to Morgan yesterday and he sounds better, at least I think he sounds better. I love you, Becca, forever.”

  He’s always signs off the same way since we’ve started to communicate again. I couldn’t help but smile knowing that he loved me, that there was still hope for us yet.

  I walked into class, my last one of the summer, ready to take my exam, and have a few weeks off before getting back to the grind. I’ve made a ton of progress in the last three months. I will be on schedule to graduate in the spring like I had originally planned. I thought that maybe taking the spring semester off would set me back, but it didn’t.

  My phone alerts me to a new text. I take a look to see that Brad is waiting for me at my house, packed and ready to leave for our road trip. Morgan was coming along, too. We all decided that we needed to get out of the city for a while, take a break from our new reality and relax. Morgan was less than enthusiastic but he realized, pretty quickly, that I wasn’t going to give up on him coming with us.

  Las Vegas was our destination of choice. Not exactly a relaxing atmosphere but a place where all your problems can disappear, at least for a while. Plus, I was in the mood to play some slots. I didn’t have a lot of money to gamble but the little that I had saved, I was probably going to be donating to a slot machine in my near future.

  I breezed through my last final and rushed home. The boys will be waiting on me. I have yet to pack and I have no idea what I wanted to bring. The nightlife there is incredible from what I’ve heard, and we’ll be seeing the sights during the daytime. This means that I need to bring almost my entire closet, less the winter clothing.

  I greeted each of them with a passing hello and bounded up the stairs as quickly as possible. I want to get on the road so that we can make it there before dark. It’s only a seven-hour drive but it’s going to be a very long seven hours in the car with two men.

  I shoved a variety of clothes in my suitcase, not bothering to fold anything neatly. This would have bothered Natalie to no end. Sometimes I think I do things like that, the little things, just to see if she will appear and curse me out. It has yet to work. I have not caught sight of her or heard her voice in a while, and I’m starting to miss it.

  I headed into the bathroom and gathered up my personal items. Reaching under the sink, I grabbed for my travel bag and knocked over the open box of tampons. An alarm goes off in my head, realizing that I haven’t needed to use them in a long time. I counted backwards, quickly trying to figure out the last time I had my period, and I can’t seem to remember. It’s been over a month, that’s all I know.

  Crap!

  It must be from the stress. I missed my period a couple of times after I hurt myself. The doctor told me that when I stress myself out that my body can react to that and change. I don’t know how accurate that information is, but right now, it’s all I have to go on. I have to push the thought aside so that we can get going.

  I’m just finishing shoving my makeup in the side pocket of my duffel when Brad walks through my bedroom door. He glances around at the luggage that’s accumulated and shakes his head. Without saying a word, he grabs both suitcases and heads back downstairs. I followed behind him with my purse and my duffel bag.

  The drive to Vegas goes quicker than I thought it would. We made it in just over six and a half hours. Brad’s foot was heavy on the gas pedal the entire way. As the city comes into view, I see nothing but lights, lots of them. It’s just past nine o’clock, and even though the sun has yet to disappear on the horizon, it’s just dark enough to make the city look incredible.

  We checked in, headed to our room
and dropped our luggage. I can tell that the boys just got a burst of energy, so did I. It’s nice to see Morgan smile, Brad too. Both of them have been so serious lately, bordering on depressed and not much fun to be around. When Brad suggested a road trip, I knew that I had to come to make sure that they stayed out of trouble. Plus, I can hear the slots screaming my name from our room.

  We were sharing a room to save money. It had two beds, and tonight will be the first time in over a month that Brad and I have shared a sleeping space. I have been mentally preparing myself. I figured as long as I had a few cocktails, it wouldn’t matter when I passed out.

  We headed back down to the casino floor and stood in awe of what was going on around us. The sounds, the lights, the people. There was so much going on. It was almost like I was going to burst from excitement.

  “I’m going to find a slot machine and blow some money. Where are you boys headed?”

  They gave each other a mischievous look and both said “out” at the same time.

  “Okay. Should we meet back here at a certain time or am I going to be fast asleep before you boys come back?”

  “We’ll be back before dawn.” The look I gave him must have made him think twice about his answer. “I’m kidding. We should be back in a few hours.”

  “Where exactly are you going?”

  “Um, well...it’s guy’s night. Can we leave it at that?”

  Brad’s answer was evasive. He didn’t want to tell me where they were headed, and it was starting to sound like I didn’t want to know what they were up to. Morgan was smiling, Brad was smiling, and in the end, that was all that really mattered to me.

  “Fine. I’ll be down here for a while, but I’m kind of tired, so try and be quiet when you come back. If you need me just give me a call. I’ve got my phone on me.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Ready, Brad?”

  Morgan was finally starting to act like the person that I had grown to love over the years. He was upbeat and most importantly, living his life again.