Compulsive Fascinations

by N. Isabelle Blanco

  “Don't act like you have no clue what I’m talking about. You fucking hid them from sight. And God knows what other little mementos you're keeping around. You still have feelings for her, fine, but there's no need for us to continue what we've been doing if that's the case. I told you day one: I don't do messy.”

  “Liv, can you please tell me what the hell you're talking about, because you're acting crazy.”

  To all the men out there, I have one thing to say. If you're going to learn anything when it comes to women, let it be this:

  Unless your girl is slashing up your tires, burning your suits, and planting tracking chips on your cellphone . . . do not—and I repeat, do not—fucking call her crazy in the middle of an argument. Especially when you've been caught red handed and her feelings have obviously been hurt!

  One way ticket to alienation. It's all I'm saying.

  The pain in the center of my chest imploded inward, like a concrete bomb on full-throttle; an infusion of pure, cold strength that dried my tears and straightened my spine. “Like I said, this conversation has no point. Goodbye, Calum.”

  Swirling around, I walked right up to his door, opened it, and stepped out into the hall. I closed the door softly, then began heading toward the elevators.

  He didn’t call out my name again.

  He didn’t follow me.

  As I stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby, the hardness in my heart cracked a little. Enough to make room for some more pain at the realization that it was truly over.

  I grabbed onto the railing behind me tight, focusing on nothing but my breath.

  It had to be okay.

  Calum did still have feelings for Diane, despite the fact that she’d left him for a much older man who married her without a pre-nup.

  Fine. That was his prerogative. He wanted to pine over her, okay. But I wouldn’t play the same role when it came to him. I’d get through this as I’d gotten through everything else.

  Doubt flittered through my mind, reminding me of what I’d begun to feel for him.

  Nope. Wasn’t going to listen to it. I’d become a master at self-preservation, hadn’t I?

  Time to put my hard-earned skills to use.

  Somehow.

  The doorman saw me coming. “Have a good night, miss,” he said, opening the door for me.

  It hit me that this would probably be the last time I ever saw him. Sadness threatened at that thought, and I found myself blinking back tears as I forced myself to smile up at him.

  “Thank you. You, too.” I exited the building—an unsettling feeling of being watched raced down my spine, stopping me short.

  Fuck. Had Calum followed me after all?

  Liv, just go.

  I couldn't.

  Fuck me. The furious need to see Calum behind me, coming after me, proved what I'd already known.

  I was becoming hopeless for him.

  Tightening my hand on my purse, I slowly turned, trying to seek him out.

  There was no one but the doorman, standing in front of the entrance to the building. People walking in and out. More making their way up and down the sidewalk, minding their own business.

  However, the feeling of being watched didn't abate.

  Confused, I looked up and down the sidewalk, trying to find the source.

  None of the people spared me more than a one-second glance as they passed me.

  You're being ridiculous, Liv. Go. Fighting the disappointment of not seeing Calum behind me, I began walking toward my house.

  It was only four blocks away.

  It took only one block for my defenses to crumble completely.

  Two blocks away from his building, the reality of what just happened slammed into me full-force.

  I'd left him.

  Because he hid pictures of him and his ex-fiancé.

  Oh, God, I'd already developed feelings for him.

  A sob broke out. Horrified, I slapped my hand over my mouth, trying to muffle the next one. My vision blurred as tears leaked out. I knew that people heard me, and no doubt saw me crying as I walked passed them, but the sobs wouldn’t stop.

  This is what you get, you idiot, for allowing a man too close. You knew not to let this happen. You knew!

  How could I let my attraction for him blind me, no matter how powerful?

  How could he act the way he did with me, say the things he said to me over the last few months, while still having feelings for his ex?

  Ugh. But men were good at lying like that. Good at wanting one thing, while also wanting another.

  Shit. I couldn't even call Demitra and talk to her about this. I hid Calum from everyone.

  No talking to Angelina, either. He was her boss and a close friend of her family.

  Fuck all that. The real reason I'd hidden him from everyone? Right from the beginning, the entire situation had gone against my MO.

  I hid it so that if it did go wrong, no one would know what a fool I had been.

  Exactly what happened.

  I was all alone. As I deserved to be for being such a colossal idiot.

  I struggled to pull myself together, breathing deeply to try and stem the pain spreading out of my chest. Angry at myself, I pressed my hands against my eyes, not caring if I made a further mess of my makeup. I wanted the tears to stop. Wanted to be able to focus passed the anger suffocating me.

  My. Heart. Was. Broken.

  I had promised myself, throughout the six months that it took me to return to some form of normalcy after Corey's betrayal with Caroline, that this wouldn't happen again.

  That I would love myself enough to make sure it didn't.

  And I failed.

  Learn your lesson, moron, I told myself, wiping at the tears. Make sure that this time you learn your fucking lesson.

  5

  Twelve hours.

  They wouldn't have meant anything if I had managed to sleep the necessary eight of them the night before.

  Heck, I would've been satisfied with two hours of sleep last night.

  How could you miss someone so much, less than a full day since you last saw them?

  Probably because you aren't going to see him again anytime soon. If at all.

  Because I was a freak.

  Because I left him.

  Because I couldn't handle the mere thought of him still having feelings for his ex-fiancé.

  You don't have feelings for anyone but him. It's only fair to expect the same in return.

  Very true. I'd adored Corey more than the air I breathed—those feelings were long, long gone, incinerated as they deserved to be.

  But it’d been almost four years since the day I’d found him and Caroline. More than enough time to push that little bastard out of my system.

  It’d only been four months for Calum. It was only human for him to still foster something for Diane.

  The mad urge to seek him out and offer to wait for him showed me how pathetic I was.

  One: waiting for him is what a woman in love did. A pitiful one at that. Fuck if I was going to go as far as stating that I was in love with him.

  Two: some emotions never went away. There was no guarantee that he would ever be emotionally available enough to love me the way I needed.

  Yes, I did need love—a hell of a lot of it, actually. The reason I didn't want to be in a relationship was because I didn't believe that type of love existed out there.

  Irrevocable. Unconditional. Emotionally and physically faithful to me no matter what.

  I refused to settle for less.

  Now, Calum and I were over because of what I needed.

  Done.

  So why did I keep checking my phone every three seconds?

  “You keep checking your phone every few seconds, girl. I'm starting to believe that Ms. Player-Extraordinaire is waiting to hear from someone special.”

  I jumped at the sound of my assistant's voice, my phone flying out of my hand and onto my desk. It slammed against the glass top wi
th a loud thud.

  I glared up at Mikael, deciding to ignore how my cheeks heated up at the sight of his gloating stare and all that it said.

  Caught you.

  “Mikael, darling, I know we're tight and all that . . . but when the hell did it become okay to not announce yourself before entering my office?”

  “I’ve been in and out of this office five times already. Not that you noticed.” Mikael rolled his eyes like the true diva that he was. “And, to answer your question, since, like, forever. It’s never been a problem before. Seems like someone's got something to hide,” he sing-sang, waving the folder he held in my direction.

  At 5' 11", Mikael—yes, pronounced Mi-ka-el (although his birth name was actually Miguel)—was a tall, lean muscled, brown haired and brown-eyed, Hispanic perfection of a man.

  And so flamboyantly gay that no one would look at him and not see it.

  He was also the one who helped me rebuild myself after the whole Corey-catastrophe, as he called it. The one who beat Corey to within an inch of his life when I told him what happened.

  He also threatened to go “Cat Woman” on Caroline's ass because:

  “Honey, that bitch isn't a bigger bitch than me and I can fucking prove it!”

  So, yes. Mikael wasn't simply my personal assistant/stylist/secretary.

  He was one of my best friends. On par with Dem and Ang. Actually, I'd known him longer so, as he liked to throw in my face, he owned the title of Number One.

  Didn't mean I was ready to admit anything to him. Rule Number Thirty-Seven when it came to attraction: you talked about it, you magnified it. Telling others about your feelings for someone only served to strengthen them.

  “Who is he? Hmm? Hmm? Is his cock big?”

  Scowling, I snatched the file out of Mikael’s hand. “Listen, Miguel, there’s no one. Stop imagining shit that isn’t happening. You know how I roll.”

  He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Suck ‘em dry and leave ‘em limp. I know.”

  That ripped a surprised laugh out of me. “Oy! Confusing me with yourself, are we now?”

  A perfectly waxed and arched eyebrow raised in my direction. “Damn right, sister. Now stop trying to change the subject. If not a guy, what could have you checking your phone as obsessively as you have been this morning?”

  Damn. He really had been in and out of my office, watching me without my realizing it.

  Calum and I used to talk every morning before work. And if one of us had been too busy to talk, we’d at least text each other, usually by seven AM.

  Not hearing from him by twelve PM fed my misery, making me miss him more.

  What I got for letting the lines get as blurred as they did.

  Whom, if not a couple, fucking spoke to each other as often as Calum and I had?

  Fuck that. Most couples didn’t speak to each other that much and I’d always known it was weird.

  I’d also liked it too much to put a stop to it.

  “Mhm. Spacing out again. Knew it. That cock must be gigantic and delicious.”

  “Miguel Luis Arroya, stop with the fantasizing and go get everything ready for the two o'clock meeting before I whip your ass and lower your pay!”

  Mikael sighed. “Full-naming me and threatening me with 1950's-style work conditions. This is serious.”

  I would kill him if he didn't leave it alone and I'm sure it showed in my expression.

  Mikael studied me, trying to find a crack in my façade.

  He must have found it. Suddenly, he sat down in one of the dark blue stuffed chairs in front of my desk and reached forward to grab my hand.

  I let him, but not because I planned to give into his inquisition; I loved him too much to refuse any sign of affection from him.

  “Just tell me he didn't hurt you.” His dark brown eyes pleaded with me to tell him the truth.

  My heart tightened with renewed pain. “There's no one,” I whispered, looking down at our hands.

  I wasn't lying to him, either.

  I kicked Calum out of my life and now there really was no one.

  Mikael caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. When he spoke again, his tone was soft, worried. “Liv . . . most men are shit, but not all of them are Corey. You have a habit of pushing them all away.”

  I felt myself get defensive, anger brewing in my chest at his assumption, no matter how right it was. Intuitive motherfucker. “I told you: there's no one,” I said, clenching my jaw.

  “Well, be that as it may, I want you to keep something in mind, okay? Mull it over. Four years later and you have yet to let anyone in. Don't you think you're giving Corey too much power over you? He's still controlling that part of your life even though he's not in it.”

  He got up, straightened his skinny black tie, and turned to head out of the office before I could even formulate a response, or even breathe passed the rush of fury his words unleashed.

  He's right. He's so damn right. I'd given Corey four extra years of my life and it didn't occur to me until then!

  At the door, Mikael turned, staring back at me over his shoulder. “That's the file for the inDasign account. I'll have the car ready to drive us there in an hour or so. Like that we get there early.”

  His eyes still pleaded with me, and I knew it killed him to see me wrecked.

  I made the decision that I would tell him. Later on, after the day ended, I'd confess. He was probably the safest person to do it to anyway.

  Demitra worked for Dorian Sorenson, one of Calum's best friends.

  Angelina worked for Calum himself.

  For now, the only person I could trust was Mikael, and he deserved to know after everything he helped me through.

  “Thanks Mikael,” I whispered to him again, hearing the tears in my voice.

  He winked at me. “You know I love it when you're grateful and use my real name bitch.”

  I laughed despite myself. “Your momma's going to kill you one of these days if you keep that shit up.”

  “Girl, please. I already started the paperwork. I'll keep the middle and last names for her sake, but the first name has got to go.” He walked out of my office—he reappeared in the doorway less than a second later, his expression somber. “Remember what I told you, baby girl.” With that, he left, for real this time, leaving me sitting in my huge office all by myself.

  His words rung in my ears.

  Had I pushed Calum away prematurely?

  A depressing thought. One powerful enough to fill me with extreme self-loathing.

  I should have waited. Should have heard him out. If he still had feelings for Diane . . . well, then I had every reason to cut my losses now before things became more involved.

  But, what if there had been another plausible explanation?

  Was I an emotional fool for even contemplating this?

  Calum isn't a liar. Analyzing his character over the last few months yielded that one belief. All the evidence pointed to that.

  And, if so, that made me the fool. The idiot that ran away too soon.

  Trembling with all the emotions I contained inside me, I reached for my phone and checked it again.

  A text from my father, asking me if I was ready for the meeting with inDasign.

  A text from Ang, informing me that she needed a drink, and she needed one pronto.

  Another from mom, telling me to tell my father that he had better respond to her text about the dinner party next week soon, or else hell would rain down on his head.

  Nothing from Calum.

  Idiot, your name is Liv. You can't demand that someone leave you alone and then be upset when they don't contact you.

  Exactly what was happening to me.

  God, I missed him so much already.

  Blinking back tears, I placed my phone back down on my desk. My dad was counting on me to nail the meeting with inDasign. My entire future hinged on it.

  I fucked up things with Calum, that didn't mean I had to fuck up things at work, too.

&
nbsp; Trying to push back the voice inside me screaming at me to contact Calum, I opened the folder for inDasign and started going through the final details.

  At 1:15PM, Mikael appeared in my doorway, his briefcase in hand. “Ready to go, boss?”

  Surprised, I looked up from the file and stared at the time on my computer screen. “Holy shit.”

  The corner of Mikael's lip twitched with amusement. “Here. Let me help you with that while you go to the bathroom and freshen up that sexiness.” He stopped in front of my desk and reached for the file.

  Grateful, I blew him a kiss. Grabbing my phone and makeup bag from within my purse, I rushed into the bathroom. Inside, I ran my fingers through my wavy hair—a pang hit me, and I realized that I’d left it like that out of habit.

  I used to straighten it all the time before Calum.

  Now, because he liked it, I made a habit of wearing it natural.

  Fuck. Would everything remind me of him?

  Sighing, I reached into my makeup bag and pulled out my eyeliner and red lipstick. After reapplying both, I turned from side-to-side, checking out my reflection in the mirror.

  No wrinkles on my navy-blue skirt and blazer. Good.

  Wait . . . Fuck my life. This also happened to be the same outfit I wore to the park the day Calum and I first met up for lunch.

  This time I wore dark red pumps and a red blouse, but fuck, fuck, and triple fuck!

  I slammed my heeled foot into the floor, pissed to high hell that I put on that outfit without realizing it.

  Would I be able to pull this damn meeting off with half my freaking wits missing?

  “Are you okay in there, baby girl?” Mikael asked from the other side of the door.

  I whirled around to make sure he hadn't opened the door and come inside. “I’m fine!” I called out, rushing to put everything back in my makeup back.

  So, you wore this outfit today. So what? Get over it. It’s not as if you can throw it away. Well, I could, but that would just solidify my crazy-status.

  Somehow, I would have to deal with all these emotions and get through the day at least.

  Taking a deep breath, I nodded at myself in the mirror, and picked up my makeup bag and phone.

  It vibrated in my hand. I looked down at it, checking the notifications bar.