Compulsive Fascinations

by N. Isabelle Blanco

  Yup. That’s right. My anxiety began morphing into anger.

  I could understand his being upset. Really. If I found out he hid anything of the sort from me, I’d be beyond livid. My trust would be seriously tested.

  Yet, after everything, after his making me swear that I’d stick around and talk to him if anything “bothered” me, he’d disappeared on me.

  Maybe it’s not like that. Maybe whatever called him away from me truly had been urgent business and his phone died in the middle of him dealing with it.

  A girl could hope.

  Not that the reasoning helped me shake the cold spreading in my gut.

  I got out off the elevator on the top floor. The security guard at the door leading out didn’t even bother asking for my pass; he opened the door the moment he saw me coming.

  Sparing him a small, tight-lipped smile, I muttered a small thank you.

  And walked straight into a big chest as soon as I stepped foot outside.

  Two hands grabbed onto my arms.

  “Hey, you. My brother’s not up here. I already checked.”

  I blinked up at Lucas and moved back. “I didn’t think he would be. Just came out here for some fresh air.” Stepping to the side, I tried to walk around him.

  His hand shot up and blocked my path. “How about I keep you company and we head out for a walk somewhere else? It’s a bit crowded here anyway.”

  The urgency in his tone reactivated my nerves. A quick look around proved one thing: he lied. It definitely wasn’t crowded.

  I tried moving around him again. “Lucas, I don’t know what’s going on, but I rather be alone.”

  “You can’t go there, Liv.”

  “Why?”

  He didn’t have to answer the question. The moment it left my mouth, my eyes flickered over to the far end of the garden, over by the low wall.

  Beyond the waist-high wall, the beautiful Chicago skyline was visible for all to see, the buildings lit up and illuminating the night.

  It wasn’t that view that stole my breath.

  A frightening stillness settled over me. Eyes burning, I stared straight ahead at the two people standing in front of the wall.

  “Livana.”

  I pushed Lucas’s arm out of the way and took a single step closer. Too late for Lucas to stop me, or drag me away anyhow.

  I’d already seen what he’d been so desperate to prevent me from seeing.

  He’d lied to me about something else as well. He had found his brother.

  There he was, standing on the other side of the garden.

  Deep in conversation.

  With. Diane.

  Calum left me with Corey and turned off his phone so he could go meet up with his ex.

  They’re only talking, Liv. Don’t jump to conclusions, the last of my hard-built trust whispered to me, attempting to keep itself alive.

  Diane stepped closer to him. At this point, the lack of space remaining between them bordered on indecent. My body tensed, demanding that I storm over there and put some distance between that bitch and my man.

  But was that my man?

  Why would my man turn off his phone while meeting up with his ex?

  The answer was simple: because he wasn’t my man, that’s why.

  A fact that I accepted when Diane cupped his face and pulled him down for a kiss.

  Time froze for me, all sound sucked into an eerie, still void.

  I only heard two things clearly: Lucas’s whispered, “Holy shit” . . . and the roar of my heartbeat as my trust shattered within me.

  Along with it? Every dream. Every hope.

  A second went by. The tiny pieces that remained of my hope whimpered, convinced that he would pull away from Diane.

  He didn’t.

  Another second passed.

  The trust whimpered one last time, convinced that the next second would be the one, that he’d push her back.

  That next second arrived.

  Diane’s lips remained on Calum’s.

  And he remained right where he was, accepting her kiss.

  Allowing it.

  The stillness spread, until nothing existed within me.

  No pain. No anger. No emotion whatsoever.

  Only resolution was left. Logic.

  Time to go.

  “Excuse me.” I turned and calmly walked around Lucas.

  “Livana, wait.”

  I ignored him and continued walking, heading inside.

  Get to the room. Pack my suitcase and carry-on. Leave the room and head to the front desk. Rent myself another room, far from Calum’s. Then head back home on the earliest flight.

  The to-do list repeated itself over and over again in my head. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it had been my mind’s way of distracting itself so it wouldn’t have to process the magnitude of what I’d witnessed.

  Lucas followed me into the elevator. He really did look so much like Calum. I expected to feel something upon thinking of the resemblance.

  Again, nothing came.

  I welcomed that numbness.

  “Livana, listen.”

  “Lucas, no offense, but there’s nothing to listen to.” I calmly pressed the button for the fifth floor.

  “But, Livana, my brother—”

  “Has made his choice.” It took less than a minute for the elevator to arrive. “And I’m sorry, but even if I did want to discuss it, I wouldn’t want to do it with his brother. You’re going to be on his side no matter what. You guys can discuss it among yourselves if you’d like.” I exited the elevator, head held high.

  Lucas exited right after me.

  Then he did the cruelest thing he could’ve ever done.

  “My brother loves you, Livana.”

  There it was. The first crack. I felt a tiny bit of the pain awaiting beneath my numbness leak through. Merely a hint of it.

  Enough to also make stark fear follow after.

  I couldn’t feel this. Couldn’t allow myself to process the pain of this.

  It would ruin me if I did.

  I’d never be okay.

  “I think it’s obvious that what you just said is a lie, Lucas.” I slid my key through the card reader and made my way in.

  “Wait! It’s not a lie. You have no idea how he talks about you.”

  I closed the door in his face.

  It’s not that I meant to be rude or that I somehow blamed Lucas for what Calum had done.

  Calum was a grown man, and I wasn’t kidding when I said he’d made his choice.

  That choice was obviously his ex.

  Just as I’d feared.

  As I’d suspected.

  I stopped inside the seating area of the room as another realization slammed into me, breaking my heart even more.

  He had kept those pictures of her, for the same exact reason I’d known.

  Because he’d still had feelings for her.

  And he’d lied to me about it.

  And I, just as before, proved to be the fool that bought into the lie so utterly.

  Because I’d wanted it. I’d wanted him that bad.

  Another crack in my numbness.

  The first tear fell.

  I wiped it furiously and shoved everything to the corner of my mind. The only safe place for it.

  Maybe I’d have no choice but to break down later, but it wouldn’t happen here.

  It wouldn’t happen where he would find me.

  The same way I’d once managed to walk out of my dorm room after finding Corey and Caroline without so much as showing an ounce of reaction, I’d walk out of this room with at least my pride intact.

  If I broke down, it would happen much later. Once I was alone.

  Determined, I kicked off my heels, bent to pick them up, and practically ran into the room. It took me a minute to grab my makeup bag off the bathroom counter. I yanked my hair iron’s cord out of its socket so hard I almost broke it.

  Cradling both items, I walked into the room and dumped the
m in my carry-on.

  Only a few articles of clothing were outside my suitcase.

  What Calum took off me last night, right before we’d fallen on the bed and attacked each other.

  My thong still lay torn on the bed. The bed that remained disheveled from last night.

  He held me all night, practically draped all over me.

  His heat covering me.

  His heart beating against my back.

  The protective numbness fell away entirely this time, leaving me exposed.

  Calum had chosen Diane.

  Even if he came back to me, I’d seen what I’d seen and to me it was the kind of choice we wouldn’t come back from.

  I would never take him back.

  I wasn’t wired to forgive this kind of betrayal.

  We were done.

  The room spun around me with the force of that emotional blow. Trembling, I pressed my hands to the bed, hanging my head. My insides withered, becoming something even more pitiful than they’d been the last four years.

  He came to mean more to me than Corey ever had.

  A sob broke out of me. The pitiful, desperate sound of it made me slam the walls back down before the tears started in earnest.

  Before the pain sucked me under entirely.

  Sheer force of will. That’s what it took for me to keep it together. For me to force myself to straighten and open my eyes.

  On autopilot, I moved around the room. I pulled out my sandals and dropped my heels inside my suitcase. I slipped the sandals on and closed the suitcase—the door to the room opened.

  “Calum, listen to me!” Lucas called out.

  “Not now.”

  Oh, God.

  I wasn’t ready to face him.

  Why couldn’t he have stayed away until I’d left?

  Closing my eyes, I inhaled slowly, praying with myself. Find the strength. Hide it.

  Remembering how he’d allowed Diane to kiss him fortified me. My pride was the only thing I had left.

  I would still have it left when I exited that room, no matter what it took.

  “You don’t understand—”

  “Not. Now.”

  The door closed.

  So did the one between my mind and my emotions.

  This was goodbye. And it would happen my way.

  I finished zipping up my carry-on as well. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Calum’s large form fill the doorway.

  Every single thing inside me, everything that made me a living, breathing woman, wailed at me to turn around. To look at him. Drink him in.

  One last time.

  No. It demanded that I pull him to me, drag him to the bed, and reclaim him. Remind him of how he’d held me last night, how he’d made love to me all these months.

  Something had existed between us. Something insane, out of control, so damn raw that I’d forever be haunted by it.

  But whatever it was, it clearly hadn’t surpassed what he’d felt for his ex.

  “Livana?”

  I didn’t acknowledge him. My suitcase was packed and I’d slipped my clutch and charger inside my purse.

  I was ready to go.

  So damned ready.

  He stepped into the room. “Liv. What the hell is this?”

  I grabbed all my bags, mumbling under my breath, “Funny. I should have asked you the same thing about ten minutes ago.”

  Silence.

  Yeah, because what else could he say to that?

  “Liv . . .”

  “Don’t try to stop me. Please.” My voice sounded so small. I hated that. At least my composure remained intact.

  I was halfway out the bedroom door when he snapped to action behind me. “I asked you what you’re doing.”

  “I’m making things easier for you and I’m leaving. Without you having to ask me to. We’re over Calum.”

  The door was only five feet away. I could do this. I could make it out that door without losing it—

  “Baby, what?”

  That endearment and how small his voice sounded stopped me. Not because I planned to stay.

  Because I refused to believe he’d still call me that.

  I’d thought he had been different. I’d built up this entire lie, a fantasy around his character, all to facilitate fooling myself into trusting him.

  Having that illusion shattered was in many ways harder than the fact he’d cheated on me.

  “Please, don’t.” I closed my eyes, hating the hoarseness of my tone. All of my strength had already been funneled into keeping my eyes dry; there was just nothing left to control my voice or the emotions that decided to shine through. “I’d rather we don’t pretend.”

  “Livana, what’s going on? Why are you doing this?”

  One more dry sob left me. I slammed my lips shut to prevent yet another from getting out.

  I sensed him getting closer, his presence heating me up from the inside, awakening that mad yearning that always, always made me give into him.

  Shaking my head violently, I moved closer to the door and turned to look at him.

  He stood there, so large and imposing in his black tux. His eyes were stark with an emotion I couldn’t define.

  No. One I refused to believe. I wouldn’t lie to myself any longer.

  I let go of my suitcase to motion toward his face. “You still have her lipstick on your lips.”

  His pupils snapped wide, his expression morphing with shock.

  Yeah, I thought, staring him in the eye and letting him see, for a few seconds, everything inside me. Every ounce of pain. I know. I was there.

  I saw.

  His hand flew up and he wiped his mouth with the back of it, his eyes falling to take in the evidence of what I’d said.

  My heart shattered into a million more tiny pieces at the sight of the red streak now covering the back of his hand.

  “I knew you still had feelings for her. All I’d asked was that you’d been honest about it,” I whispered, fixated on the back of his hand because I lacked the backbone to bring myself to look up at him again.

  “It’s not . . . Livana . . .”

  “It’s okay, though. I understand. She’s more important than I am. That’s why I’m leaving. You don’t need to pretend and try to stop me. I’ll leave so you can go back to her.”

  “You hid him from me, okay? You hid him from me and it hurt me.”

  I’d turned away when he’d said that, but his words stopped me yet again. I didn’t get why he needed that clarification before I left his life—fuck him. He should have it. A part of me wanted him to understand what he’d done to me, even if I refused to let him see it through my emotions.

  “Four years ago,” I began. “I had a boyfriend. He was my one and only boyfriend. We’d been together since we were sixteen. He was my first, my everything, and I truly believed, in all my infantile stupidity, that one day we’d get married. He cheated on me.”

  “He’s the one that made you this way,” Calum said in a harsh tone.

  He’s the one that broke you.

  My hand clenched around the handle of my suitcase, and I seriously doubted my ability to continue.

  To remain in the same room as him.

  But I had to get this out.

  “One day, I walked into my dorm room and found him eating out my best friend.”

  His sharp intake of breath reverberated through the room.

  “It broke me. It did. For so long, I didn’t trust anyone. I couldn’t. And yeah, the fear held a lot of the blame, but I’m also sure it was because none of the men that came into my life mattered enough for me to trust them.” I walked to the door and grabbed the handle.

  “Livana, no, please. Wait. Talk to me.”

  “I did. I spoke to you. I’m explaining why I’m leaving. You still love her, and I can’t be in between that. Whether you go back to her or not, it’s up to you. All I know is that I have to leave.”

  “Liv,” he snapped.

  He came closer. I felt it.
<
br />   “Just wait.”

  “I trusted you,” I whispered. For some reason, it was important to me that he’d know that. “I never trusted anyone after Corey . . . but then I trusted you.”

  15

  Lucas was still standing outside when I opened the door.

  Angelina now stood next to him, worried.

  “Livana, I’m so sorry. Please—”

  I stopped long enough to whisper, “If you ever, ever cared about me Calum, in any way or form, you’ll stop following me. You’ll let me go.”

  “I can’t do that, Liv.”

  That soft, rasped statement nearly did me in.

  How could I still want to stay with him?

  “You did the moment you kissed her.” I had to remind both him and myself.

  “He did what?” Angelina snapped, wide, furious eyes locking on Calum behind me.

  I shook my head at her and stepped out of the room.

  “Don’t you shake your head at me,” she ordered, her accent becoming more pronounced with her anger. Fuming, she pointed a finger straight at Calum. “Do you have any idea what she’s been through with her ex? You’re a bastard.” Flipping her hair over her shoulder, Ang wrapped an arm around me and pulled me in close. “And I quit. To hell with you.”

  Oh God. I didn’t deserve a best friend like her. She had every right to be furious at me for not telling her.

  Instead, there she was, standing up for me.

  Quitting her job for me.

  “Angelina—”

  She interrupted me, face going red with her anger. “No. I’ll get the experience somewhere else. Lucas told me he tried to stop you from going to the garden. Now I know what you must have seen there. For that, he can rot with his brother. Let’s go.”

  She started leading me down the hall, and I happily followed her, needing to get away.

  “Livana!”

  “Just leave me alone.” My last plea to him, a loud desperate one that seemed to echo down the hall.

  “Give her some time,” Lucas told his brother.

  I didn’t hear anything else after that.

  If Calum attempted to follow me, I didn’t know. The elevator opened as soon as Ang pressed the button and she herded me inside.

  Neither of us said anything. I think she sensed that I needed to be left alone right now. That words would cost me too much effort and I needed all that strength to keep it together for a few moments more.