Once Pure

by Cecy Robson

  “I’d just got there when Evie called Teo, screaming,” he said. “Teo lost his shit—he would’ve busted out of there on his own if Curran and his buddies weren’t with him and realized something was wrong. Curran called for backup and took off—he and the guys on the force cut in front of me and Teo when he tried to pull out of the lot. It’s the only reason they got here first.”

  He glanced away to where Teo and Evie remained. Mattie had stopped crying, fascinated by the buzz and the police lights continuing to flash around him. He slapped at his daddy’s shoulder, pointing and babbling away.

  Killian’s fists clenched. “We heard everything over the Bluetooth,” he said, his body appearing seconds from exploding. “Heard Evie screaming, Mattie crying…Heard you, too. I knew you were fighting, knew you were swinging…knew you were hurting…I knew. Just like I fucking knew I couldn’t help you.”

  Without thinking, I grasped his shaking hands. “But you did,” I said, my voice splintering. “You helped me to be brave, and taught me to defend myself. I didn’t think, Killian. I fought because that’s what you ingrained in me.”

  He gazed at our entwined fingers before meeting my face. “You were always brave, Sofia, and you were always strong. The only thing I did was show you what was already there.”

  I squeezed his hands. “You still helped me to be better than I was.”

  He shook his head. “No. You’ve always been the best person I know.”

  I turned my chin away as tears streamed down my face.

  Teo was placing Mattie in the car seat of Evie’s Range Rover. Evie stood to his right. When he finished buckling Mattie in, he took Evie’s hand and led her to the passenger side. He opened the door and helped her in, then glanced my way when she was securely inside.

  He was waiting for me to make my next move. So I did. Mattie and Evie needed to be home and safe, and I needed to distance myself from Killian. “I should go,” I said quietly.

  “I wish you wouldn’t,” he said.

  There were a lot of things that I wished I could change, and that I could say to make things right. But nothing came to me then. So instead I released his hands and walked away. If I said goodbye to him, I’d break down. As it was, I was seconds from losing it.

  I shut the rear door of Evie’s SUV and clicked my seat belt in place. “Are you okay, honey?” Evie asked.

  I nodded, but I was sure she and Teo recognized it for the lie it was. I leaned my head against the window, my attention on Killian as he continued to watch the SUV.

  Teo cranked the engine. “Ant’s going to drive my ride back and Noelle is going to follow behind in his,” he said, his voice hard.

  I imagine he wanted to say more, but he didn’t, especially when he saw me struggling to keep it together. I saw Killian watching us, saw his jaw tighten and his body stiffen to a rigid form amassed in muscle, just like I saw him place his hands on his hips and bow his head when we disappeared down the road.

  Chapter 28

  I didn’t sleep much that night. I thought for sure I’d relive the attack a thousand times over or wake up shaking in fear. Instead everything revolved around Killian and the memories we’d shared.

  I reflected on the good times, how he’d called me his princess, how hard we’d laughed at his family’s antics and the jokes surrounding his mother’s Irish luck. I thought about how safe I’d felt with his body sleeping against mine, and that smile he’d greeted me with every morning.

  Killian had been my teacher in so many ways. He’d taught me to defend myself and be strong. More important, he’d shown me how to give and receive love freely and in its most sacred form.

  My mind spun with images of our time with his family and mine, but mostly of our time alone. I crawled out of bed sometime around dawn and showered. My body had given up on sleep, so I did, too.

  I walked quietly downstairs to find Teo sprawled out on the couch with Mattie playing on the floor beneath him. Teo sat up when he saw me. “Couldn’t sleep?” he asked.

  “No. Too much on my mind.” I lifted my skirt and knelt close to Mattie. He offered me one of his blocks. I placed it on top of the pile he was building. He seemed to appreciate it and added a green one before handing me a yellow.

  “What are you going to do about Kill?”

  My hand slowly maneuvered the next block Mattie passed me. “I don’t know if there’s anything I can do. He feels what he feels.”

  “You mean love?” Teo huffed. “Don’t look at me like that, Sofia. It is what it is.”

  “Not when it comes from a sense of duty,” I told him. “He feels like he owes me, Teo. I can’t spend my life with someone who feels indebted to me. It’s not fair to either of us.”

  “You sure that’s what he thinks?” Teo wasn’t the chick-flick type. He wasn’t one to pour his heart out or talk through his feelings. But he was talking then, and he wasn’t ready to stop. “For the most part, love’s complete bullshit,” he said. “Most people don’t mean it when they say it or don’t say it when they should.” He picked up Mattie when the little guy grew bored with his blocks, and placed him across his chest. “But when someone is willing to lay down and bleed for you? That’s the shit that counts.”

  I carefully gathered the blocks Mattie had abandoned as I spoke. “You think what Killian and I had was real?”

  Teo rubbed Mattie’s back as he settled against him. “I’m saying you need to find out where you stand.”

  I considered what Teo said and the memories that continued to plague my thoughts. Mattie had fallen asleep when I finally rose. I left without another word, but Teo already knew where I was going.

  —

  The ride to Killian’s house took only about twenty minutes. And in those twenty minutes, I almost turned around at least three times. I feared what he’d tell me. But Teo was right. We both owed each other the truth.

  I rapped my knuckles on his door and waited. When he didn’t answer, I knocked a little harder. His truck was there, and he was inside, but he wasn’t coming. I was about to knock again when he yanked the door open.

  He stood shirtless, wearing only a pair of MMA shorts. Although it was early, way early, he was awake and clearly surprised to see me.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hi.”

  He poked his head out and peered around to the side. “I didn’t see your car. I thought you were a Jehovah’s Witness.”

  “I parked across the street.” I motioned to where my car hugged the curb, although by now he’d noticed it. “Can I come in?”

  He stepped back, allowing me through. I slipped off my sandals and walked to the chocolate couch. I paused and took a breath before sitting. Killian lowered himself beside me as I stared at my palms. For all that I needed to say, why did it have to be so hard?

  “I never said thank you, for everything you did for me.” I looked up at him then. “Thank you. It’s meant a great deal.”

  He didn’t say anything back. An uncomfortable silence stretched between us before he leaned forward and placed his forearms on his thighs. “This isn’t right, Sofia,” he finally said. “Things aren’t supposed to be this way, not between us.”

  I rubbed my palms. “I know.” I wasn’t planning to say what I did, but my heart had always ruled, and today was no exception. “I miss you.”

  He sighed and lowered his eyelids, his voice heavy. “I miss you, too.”

  Neither of us moved for a long time. When he opened his eyes, his focus was straight ahead, toward the kitchen. “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about what I feel for you, and how I let you down that day.”

  “You didn’t let me down, Killian,” I whispered.

  “You’re wrong.” His stare hardened although he wouldn’t look at me. “I meant what I said, I’ll never forgive myself for not being there when you needed me.”

  “You’re not the person who hurt me. And you never would.” I placed my hand on his arm. “I forgave you a long time ago for choosing to be with
someone else. It’s time you forgave yourself.”

  “I can’t.” His blue irises flickered with sadness. “Not after everything my mistake cost you.”

  My hand slipped from his arm. “You still feel guilty,” I said quietly.

  “Yeah, I do,” he admitted. He watched my hand as it left him, before raising his chin and meeting my face. “When you came back into my life, I thought this was my opportunity to set things right. Like you said, a chance at redemption.”

  All my strength left me. It was an effort to simply keep breathing. I hadn’t wanted to be right. And I was.

  “Sofia,” he said when the first of my tears fell. “I’d spent years living with regret and wondering how I could fix things. I saw our time together as an opportunity to do right by you…but then we became something more.”

  My voice trembled. “But it wasn’t for the right reasons, Killian.”

  “No. Not at first.” He slipped his hand over mine. “When you called me out that day you left, I was scared you were right—that what I felt was for all the wrong reasons.” He huffed. “Been scared and miserable this whole damn time. But then something happened last night, and it changed everything—how I saw you—and showed me what you really mean to me.”

  I waited, expecting him to say something about the attack or how I’d fought back. I never expected him to say what he did.

  “Teo told us Evie’s pregnant,” he said, carefully holding my hand. “And all I could think about was what you’d look like pregnant with my kid.”

  Time stood still. I couldn’t breathe. And when I did, I started to cry.

  Killian gathered me to him, stroking away my tears. “I want to marry you, Sofia. I want to make babies with you, and grow old with you,” he rasped. “I love you. God, I am so in love with you.”

  I swallowed hard and tried to speak. “But how do I know that what you feel comes from something pure, and not from the guilt you still carry?”

  The magnitude of his gaze held me in place. “Because I’ve loved you since the first time I saw your smile and you asked me to be your friend.”

  Killian held me close when I broke down. I clutched him against me as he whispered words of comfort and told me he never wanted to let me go.

  Our past had been our enemy. It beat us down, held us back, and shoved us apart. Because of it, I thought today would be our final goodbye. But when his smile met mine, when he kissed me, and when he promised me forever, I welcomed our future as a friend.

  Killian lifted me in his strong arms and carried me across our house, up to our room, and into our bed.

  Two years later, he carried me across our threshold, with the train of my wedding gown fluttering behind us.

  Epilogue

  I stroked Sofia’s hair away when the breeze pushed one of her curls against her perfect face. She’d fallen asleep. I knew she was tired when I pulled her into the hammock with me even though she tried to deny it. As I watched her chest rise and fall, I couldn’t help but think about everything we went through to get here….

  “Hi,” the girl said to me, her voice so quiet I barely heard her.

  “Hi,” I said back.

  I didn’t like girls. They talked too much—and they smelled funny, kind of like those flowers in Grammie’s garden that always made me sneeze. But I liked this one, and how her springy curls spilled from her ponytails like mini-Slinkies. I wondered what would happened if I pulled one.

  So I did.

  Her light green eyes widened when I stretched the curl all the way to me. It snapped back like a spring when I let go. “Cool,” I said, grinning. “I’m Killian. What’s your name?”

  “Sofia.” She dragged out the name like she wasn’t sure if she should tell me, then glanced at her little feet before looking back up. “Do you want to be my friend?” she asked quietly.

  My grin widened. “Sure. Wanna play cars?”

  It was the first time I saw her smile. Right then and there, she had me. And she didn’t even know it.

  Aside from my family, Sofia was the one constant in my life—we’d skinned our knees playing in the street, shared candy and hoagies, and made each other laugh with stupid jokes that no one found funny except for us. Yeah. She was always there. Until she suddenly wasn’t.

  The years flew by. It didn’t seem like too long after that that my boy Teo was off to serve, leaving me with his beautiful little sister.

  “I’ve enlisted,” Teo told me. “I’ll be out of here in two weeks.”

  We were at the Boss’s gym, kicking the heavy bag while we waited for our turn in the ring. I frowned. “Are you messing with me?”

  He kicked the bag, shaking it despite how hard I held it.

  “Gotta do something with my life,” he said. “Don’t want to end up like the old man.” He kicked again and then two more times, knocking the bag right into my gut. “The Army promised to help me become a mechanic and I’m going to take them up on the offer.”

  I met his gaze. “You’re leaving your sisters behind.”

  Teo knew what I meant, and who I was talking about. He lowered his leg before he could kick again, watching me carefully. “I can’t help them unless I help myself first, Kill.”

  I let go of the bag and adjusted my sparring gloves. “Yeah. I s’pose.” Damn. I was pissed. But I knew he was right. At eighteen, it was time for Teo to do right by his family and find his way out of his shitbag life.

  “Will you do something for me?” Teo asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m serious, Kill.”

  I was, too. Teo wasn’t blood, but he’d become my brother. “Name it. I got your back.”

  “It’s not my back I’m worried about,” he said. He placed his hands on his hips and looked to where the younger fighters were mixing it up. “I want you to keep an eye on Sofia. She’s not Lety, you know? I don’t know if she’s going to make it if I’m not around to protect her.”

  I glared at the mat, remembering all the times Sofia wore long sleeves in the summer to hide her bruises, and how red her pretty eyes would be after spending the night crying—thanks to her asshole father. I was getting bigger, tougher. I knew a day would come when I’d knock on Sofia’s door and give Carlos a little payback for the shit he’d put her through. But I was only sixteen then, so instead of talking big, I met Teo square in the face. “What do you want me to do?”

  He tightened his jaw. “Just be her friend, Kill. Look out for her—make sure nothing happens to her, you feel me? She fears her own damn house. No need for her to fear the streets, too.”

  “All right,” I answered without another thought.

  Teo huffed like he didn’t believe me. “I need you to swear, to promise me like a real man. This ain’t a joke to me, Kill. Sofia’s not like everyone else. She’s sweet—maybe too sweet. Life’s too fucking hard for someone that good.”

  Yeah. There was no one quite like Sofia. I met Teo’s rigid stare and offered him my hand. “I swear to God. Nothing’s going to happen to her.”

  And nothing did. For the longest time, she was safe because she was with me.

  That changed the day I fucked up—the day I went back on my word to be with Josefina Miller.

  I hauled ass out of Josefina’s house, all the way back to the neighborhood. Holy shit. I finally got laid!

  I threw open my front door out of breath, but ready to spill all the details. And, okay, maybe lie that I lasted longer than I actually did, but…

  I knew something was wrong even before I turned into the living room and found my family gathered around our dining room table. Declan held my mother’s hand as she cried. Wren was crying, too. What the fuck? She never cried.

  Angus stood slowly and walked to my side. “Kill, someone hurt Sofi,” he said.

  I felt the color drain from my face.

  “She was raped,” he continued quietly. “Some guy took her into his car and raped her.”

  It was like I was swallowed up in a vortex, like in those piss-p
oor sci-fi movies I used to watch. Everything seemed far away. I remembered trying to bolt and Angus wrenching me back. Next thing I knew I was swinging hard, fighting my family—trying to get away—trying to fucking outrun all the rage tearing its way through me.

  Mama was screaming, everyone was piling on top, yelling at me to stop. But I couldn’t stop. I had to find Sofia. I had to protect her. Nothing could happen to her—nothing. I promised. I fucking promised!

  A meaty hand struck me in the face, again and again, rattling my skull. Wren was on my back, saying shit I couldn’t make sense of, while my brothers held my arms and forced me to kneel on our old wood floors.

  Angus stood over me, ready to take another swing. My vision blurred and my eyes stung, but it wasn’t from his blows.

  It was from knowing what I’d done. I bowed my head and broke down. I hadn’t kept my promise. I wasn’t a real man. Real men kept their word.

  Especially when it came to those they loved.

  —

  Sofia stirred against me. “Are you hungry?” she mumbled, keeping eyes closed.

  I tilted my chin to kiss the top of her head. “Shhh. I’m all right. Go back to sleep, princess.”

  She adjusted her position against me, the small wrinkle in her brow easing as she returned to sleep.

  Sofia was always the one. After all that shit happened, I’d kept an eye on her throughout the years. Checked in with her mother to see how she was. How could I not? I loved her even then. Too bad I didn’t recognize it for what it was, and too damn bad I didn’t deserve that same love back.

  It took me a long time to meet Teo square in the eye. He never talked about that day—about the promise I’d made him. He’d let it go without calling me out, until he realized I wanted to be more than Sofia’s friend.

  “Oh, I know you’re not checking out my baby sister,” he’d growled.

  I s’pose he was surprised that I liked her. But then she was his little sister. He didn’t see what I saw, that the pretty little girl with the bouncy curls had grown into a beautiful woman I couldn’t tear my eyes from.