I Love You Again

by Khardine Gray

  He held her as she cried and tried to comfort her. It wasn't until sometime later when she stopped. He was hoping to talk to her some more, but was prevented from doing so because Neil and Jennifer came back with her friends.

  It was time for him to go. He needed to see if he could book himself on a flight. He thought he'd stop back here before he left and say goodbye.

  While her friends gathered and started trying to cheer her up, Neil accompanied Brad back to his room. On their way, Brad filled him in on all the details. With Neil, he didn't withhold any information, so Brad told him everything.

  "Why didn’t you ever tell me about Trina?" Neil asked as they got inside the room.

  "Too painful."

  “I get that, but I just can’t believe you never even mentioned her. If you had maybe we could have made the connection that I knew her.” Neil grimaced with a shrug.

  “Maybe. I just never talked about what happened with anybody. It really was painful.” And, it still was. He would never kid himself into thinking that the pain was any less. Or, that time had made his loss feel any better.

  “I must have mentioned her name,” Neil offered.

  “You probably did, but Neil you were always trying to set me up with someone. I couldn’t keep up. Also, there’s no way that I would have thought any Trina you would have mentioned was my girl.”

  “My girl?” Neil raised his brows with a question in his eyes.

  “The girl I knew in Iowa. I mean. That’s what I meant.” She used to be his girl, in a different lifetime. In a different lifetime, she was his and he was hers.

  It was so fucking messed up, and his brain still felt so numb he couldn’t think straight. It was best for him to go.

  "What are you going to do now?" Neil asked as he watched Brad grab his suitcase and shove it on to the bed.

  "I can't be your best man Neil. I'm leaving." Brad told him. The crestfallen look on Neil’s face made him feel guilty.

  "That’s shit man. I won't accept that. You can't leave because this has happened. You're my best friend, and this is not something I'll be doing again. Jennifer's it for me. You have to be there to watch me marry her."

  It was a real nice thing to say, and Brad appreciated it, but he couldn't be here.

  "I'm really happy for you and Jennifer, but it's too painful for me to be here. I lived with the guilt of leaving Trina for a very long time.” He brought his hand up to his head and sighed. “I still do, and as good an idea as it was that I left I often wonder if maybe I should have stayed and put up a fight. That's what you do when you love someone. Right? You fight for them."

  "Brad. From what you told me I doubt that you would have fought against a dying man's wish."

  Brad bit the inside of his lip and frowned. Neil was right. Brad wouldn't have fought against Jim's wishes knowing he was dying. And, realistically he probably shouldn't have told Trina what happened, but he had to. Jim was dead, and Brad had already lost everything. There was nothing more to lose.

  All he had left was the damn ring, which he foolishly still carried around with him. It was in his suitcase now, packed in with the stuff he always took with him on his travels. It was ridiculous that he kept it, that he had it still, and that it was here now like some sort of joke on him.

  "I still can't be here Neil."

  Neil shook his head, and a lock of his dark hair fell forward on to his forehead.

  "Can you give it till morning? Everything's raw right now. I'd probably leave too if I were you, but on account of the wedding please just consider staying the night."

  Brad looked at Neil and saw the eagerness in his eyes. He supposed he could stay the night and cool off. He'd exposed a lot of wounds today, and he needed to take a moment to process it all.

  "Okay."

  Chapter 5

  Trina's mind felt numb and her body weak. She'd put herself through a lot in the last two days.

  She thought Brad would come back, but he didn't.

  It was fine.

  It was for the best. She didn't want to have any expectations of him.

  At least she finally had an explanation now about why he left.

  She understood why, and why her father made him promise to leave.

  It all made sense, it did. However, it didn't make the pain any less. The explanation, as understandable as it was, did nothing for her pain and made her bitter for all the wrong reasons.

  She'd been managing all these years. She got by with her love for her job and even had a few serious relationships, but there was always that hole within her that couldn't heal from losing him.

  Maybe she sabotaged every relationship she had because there was no one like him and no one she'd loved like him. Trina knew he wasn't exactly the best person back then, but she blamed it on his broken home and always believed he would change. Love made her look passed the flaws and try to encourage him to become the person she saw when she looked at him.

  Back then she saw the man who was with her last night. That was the version of Brad who she saw, and she wished her father could have seen it too.

  It was terrible for her to think that. She felt ashamed of herself for the thought because her father had given her everything, and more. He'd practically lived for her to have a better life than he did. Everything he did was for her, and he made it so she was well taken care of for the rest of her life. She just wished he could have given Brad the chance to change.

  Her father said nothing when Brad left. He did nothing and said nothing. He'd always been so attentive to him that she should have realized that something wasn't quite right. But she was too heartbroken to notice.

  Her mind went back to the night she was supposed to meet Brad for their date. Her father watched her get ready for a date that wasn’t going to happen. He watched her as she set out to look for him. He watched her file a missing person’s report for Brad, distressed and completely besides herself with worry that something bad had happened to him. All through that he still kept his silence, with only momentary reassurances that he was sure Brad was fine wherever he was.

  Her father was a great man. The best. But she couldn’t say that she could have done the same to her child if it were her.

  And, as for Brad...

  While she understood, she couldn't help but wished he'd stayed and fought for her. What if her dad was testing him? Or, even if he wasn't, wouldn't it have had more value for him to stay and show him that he could change?

  What was worse was while they were deciding what was best for her no one considered what she might want. No one thought about her opinion.

  The last eleven years for her weren't spent happy. If anyone was to ask her if she was truly happy, and if she had the happiness her dad and Brad thought they were giving her, she would say no.

  She didn't have that kind of happiness in her life, and that came from having a father who didn't tell her he was dying, who didn't give her a heads up that there was a chance she find her beloved father dead on his bed holding a picture of her and her mother. Trina didn't have that happiness because of the years of feeling rejected and abandoned by the man she loved.

  To summarize, her father had taken all matters into his own hands, didn't tell her he was dying, sent Brad away, and Brad didn't fight to stay with her.

  She shook her head at the thought. It was a complete mess. But, it didn't matter now. She couldn’t allow it to.

  None of it. But one thing was certain, and that was that she couldn't stay here. Trina couldn't be here anymore, and she couldn't be Jennifer's maid of honor.

  It was quite late, but Jennifer hung back when everyone left. Trina told them all what happened.

  Jennifer sat next to Trina on the bed waiting for her to express her true feelings. They were great friends with Mandy and Lizzie, and as a group they got on well. However, together they shared a very special friendship. Jennifer was her best friend, she was like family to her.

  "Do you need anything else?" Jennifer asked, concerned fill
ed her eyes.

  "I'm okay." She wasn't, but she thought she'd still say it.

  The girls had all done their part to take care of her. While Lizzie gave her a shoulder massage, Mandy did her nails, and Jenifer made sure she was fed and not suffering from the intoxicating effects of the alcohol. She had a hangover but felt sleeping had minimized the effects somewhat.

  Trina looked towards the door as there was a little sound on the other side. She got her hopes up that it could be Brad. However, her hopes were swiftly extinguished when she realized the noise must have come from the room adjacent to hers.

  When she looked back to Jennifer, Trina saw that she was already looking at her. A soft smile brightened her face.

  "You know you could go see him," she suggested.

  Trina shook her head. "No. I can't."

  "I'm still stuck on the fact that you guys know each other." Jennifer sighed and shuffled around on the bed so she was facing her.

  "Yeah, small world right?" She offered a little smile.

  “We’ve known him for years. You never told me about Brad. It seems like he meant a lot to you.” She inclined her head and continued to look at Trina. “I know Mandy can be Mandy and Lizzie has that over the top way about her. But us, we're a little different as friends."

  Trina could see that Jennifer was hurt that she wasn't told.

  "Mostly, I just tried to forget Brad. I was going through a lot when I first met you. First I had to deal with losing Brad and gear myself up to start at Stanford. Then I lost my dad. I really needed Brad then, and he wasn't there. I didn't have anyone I was close to, and everything was awful." She was crying again.

  Jennifer reached across and covered Trina’s hands with hers.

  "At least now you know the truth."

  Trina shook her head. "And I hate it. The truth doesn't make me feel better. They both wanted my happiness, but I'm not happy. You've seen me all these years. Do I look happy to you?"

  Jennifer's shoulders slumped, and she pursed her lips together. "When you have success you look happy then. But that's a different sort of happiness. It's not personal. So my answer is no," Jennifer replied, her voice low and thoughtful. "What are you thinking Trina?"

  "I wish my dad didn't send Brad away. And, I wish that Brad stayed and showed him he could change."

  "Trina, your dad was dying, and he could only see how life was at that point. I think he wanted to be sure he did everything he could to ensure you had a good life. I think that was all it was."

  "Yes, but what about Brad?"

  "Maybe he was doing what he was told," Jennifer offered.

  It felt like there was something missing. She understood what happened, but...there was something that didn't quite add up, and the more she thought about it, the more it stared her in the face.

  But she was too weak to find out what it was. Like she said, it didn't matter now.

  "Jennifer," Trina held her friend's gaze. "I... can't stay here. I can't be here for the wedding, and I can't be your maid of honor."

  At that, a tear ran down Jennifer's cheek, and Trina felt terrible. "Please, don't say that."

  Trina shook her head. "I'm so sorry. I think I'll go home tomorrow but how about a good lunch with the girls first, and we could go shopping like we planned."

  "Lunch and shopping?" Jennifer sighed. "Please don't side track me with talk of lunch and shopping. No one can fill your shoes Trina. The others understand that, that's why no one protested when I picked you to be my maid of honor. It was a given. You can't leave. The wedding is over two weeks away. I know you feel emotional now, and all this has happened to you, but I need you."

  Trina felt bad right now. She felt fragile, and her mind was so congested she couldn't possibly begin to free it from the tension that strained it. It was on the tip of her tongue to insist on the need for her to leave but Jennifer continued.

  "Why don't you decide tomorrow? We could still do lunch with the girls and go shopping. Then you could decide if you want to stay."

  It was her eyes. Trina looked into Jennifer's eyes and found it difficult to say no.

  "Okay. I'll see how I feel," Trina answered.

  Chapter 6

  Good, the restaurant was practically empty. There were only a few groups of people.

  Sometimes Trina didn't like the crowd. Today was one of those days.

  Jennifer had sent her a text earlier asking her to meet for breakfast at nine thirty. She said she wanted to talk.

  To be honest, Trina wasn't in the talking mood, but as it was Jennifer, she felt she could oblige her.

  She sat at the furthest table, away from the groups. It had a great view of the white sand beach and the cascade of palm trees that adorned the landscape. She gazed ahead at the deep blue of the waves. The hues so rich with color and the enticement to stare forever.

  She was really looking forward to exploring the island and visiting the neighboring islands too. The minute she heard the wedding was going to be in Hawaii she thought she'd love to go to Oahu and do all the sightseeing trips. She wanted to visit Pearl Harbor and soak up the sun on Waikiki Beach. The idea sounded lush. Her tired, drained soul could have done with the break and it was a shame she couldn't stay.

  She'd gone over everything in her mind last night and came to the same conclusion that it was best for her to go home. She needed to process what had happened in the comfort of her own home and get back on her feet. Staying here would take her back to that depressing place she'd lived in when Brad left, and when her father died.

  "Hey." Brad's voice pulled her from her deep thoughts.

  She turned to see him and that tingle of excitement that used to dance within her heart ignited.

  It was an old habit, or rather a time displaced reaction. Had to be.

  She observed him. He looked different today. A little tense, but calmer than yesterday and the shadow of a beard gave him a more manly look.

  He looked the same as he did back then. He didn't even look that much older. Maybe just more built and muscular, like he worked out a lot. His massive shoulders filled out the t-shirt he wore, and his dark jeans enhanced the athletic definition in his strong legs.

  Jennifer couldn't have been more correct when she described him as gorgeous, because he definitely was. In her warped mind, Trina couldn't help but wonder how many relationships he'd had since her. But that was irrelevant. She shouldn't be thinking about that.

  "Hi," she replied when she found her voice.

  "Can I sit with you?" He motioned to the empty chair next to her.

  "Sure." Her pulse quickened erratically as he made his way around to her and lowered to sit. She clasped her hands together and tried to steady her breathing while he watched her. It was hard to remain coherent when he was so close.

  It was hard enough to accept the fact that he was actually here.

  Trina's mind went blank, and she struggled to think of what she could talk about.

  "The weather looks great." He was nervous too. He never talked about the weather unless he was nervous.

  "It usually is in Hawaii," she stated and raised her brows slightly.

  "Yeah, yeah of course. A little like LA. I guess." He straightened up against the chair looking uneasy.

  "Is that where you live?" She was interested to know.

  His firm, sensual lips lifted into a smile. "Yes. I set up my company there."

  "You have your own company?" She found that hard to believe and didn't bother to hide her surprise.

  He narrowed his blue gaze at her and rolled up the long sleeves of his black t-shirt revealing thick, tanned forearms.

  "Yes, I have my own company. Why is that so hard to believe?"

  "Are you kidding? You told me you were going to raise catfish for a living and organize fish fights." She retorted remembering how adamant he was about the idea.

  He said people pay to watch people fight, and cockerels fight, catfish fights were no different. Trina had never heard such nonsense in her life,
but that whole Stand by Your Man song kept nudging at her every time she attempted to shoot the idea down.

  Brad looked at her and burst out laughing. She couldn't help herself either. She started to laugh too. It was completely weird given the situation and the swirl of despair that had overwhelmed her since being here.

  "Is that what you do? Did you find a way to make the fish fight?" Just to say it made her laugh even more.

  "No. I was like fourteen when I had that idea."

  "Liar, you were twenty when you first told me." That made it all the funnier.

  "Okay, fine. I was kind of hoping you'd forget. That was such a terrible idea."

  "Yes. It was," she nodded settling back against the chair. "So, does the business involve fish."

  "No. I'm a software engineer."

  She looked at him wondering if that was a joke too but saw he was serious.

  "Really? You?"

  "Don't sound so surprised." He ran his hand through his spiky blonde hair. "I did a course at a community college."

  "Good, you guys, are talking," Jennifer's voice cut into Trina’s reply. They looked up to see her approaching them with Neil.

  "And laughing," Neil added.

  Trina narrowed her eyes at them and hesitated, blinking with bafflement. She thought that she'd just be seeing Jennifer by herself. She looked from Jennifer to Neil, saw the anxious looks on their faces then she looked back at Brad. Then realization dawned on her and she slumped her shoulders.

  Jennifer and Neil had set up this little meeting.

  Brad seemed to realize too and pressed his lips together.

  "What's going on? I thought I was meeting Neil here for breakfast," Brad commented.

  "And I thought I was having breakfast with Jennifer," Trina intoned.

  Neil placed a protective arm around Jennifer as they both looked at Trina and Brad with tentative expressions.

  "We wanted to talk to you guys, both at the same time. This was the best idea we could come up with." Jennifer explained.

  Neil nodded. "You guys can't leave."

  Trina narrowed her eyes again and looked at Brad as Neil's words sunk in. He said “you guys.” She'd told Jennifer she was leaving. Was Brad leaving too?