Affliction (Finding Solace)

by Speak, Barbara

  She was quiet for so long I thought for sure she was going to tell me to go to hell. That she didn’t care what reasons I had, she wasn’t on board. Then…

  “Did I say I wanted more? Did I give you any reason to think I wanted anything more than for us to hang out and have a good time? Colt, I'm twenty years old. I don't want serious. I just liked spending time with you."

  I damn near tackled her to the ground, I grabbed her and picked her up and spun her around screaming at the top of my lungs, “Thank God! Thank You!”

  I had no control left in me, I grabbed her and kissed the living shit out of her. Once she and I had been able to talk about everything, it made me feel so much better. She understood, or so I thought.

  Chapter 4

  With that conversation out of the way, I thought I had it made. Life was good. I had a great job, school was a breeze and the girls were everywhere. Then there was Sadie. Anytime she was within reach I wanted nothing and no-one else. She just fit. I lived in two worlds but it was working out like I had hoped. When we opened up to each other it was in ways that I had never felt comfortable enough before with anyone. I eventually found one of the reasons for the sadness I saw that very first night. She had been sleeping around and felt shame from it. Personally I don’t really think it ever had to do with the number. More so the reason she was doing it in the first place. It killed me to see her beat herself up over her past, especially when all I saw when I looked at her was the strongest woman I knew. She was not going to give up on herself if I could help it.

  Well, it all seemed to be perfect until the night came that I didn't go to the alley with everyone. Yep, that would be the night that Jason beat the shit out of Shawn. After I got the call, I drove straight over to the hospital and found Dave, Bryan, Heather and Sadie in the parking lot. Poor Heather was falling apart so I grabbed her in to a hug trying to comfort her. At the same time I was avoiding having to meet Sadie’s eyes like the plague. I knew she wanted to know where I was and why I wasn’t at the alley like I should have been.

  Shelly was her name. She was gorgeous and also the root to a lot of my problems. Her and her friends had been hanging out at '51' a lot back then and each time I would see her she got more brazen. That night she trapped me in a corner and her hand grabbed my dick as she licked up my neck. To say I was gone for would be an understatement. A sexy as hell women propositions me for sex and you expect me to say no? Yeah, I probably should have, because the look on Sadie's face when she heard made me feel like a piece of shit. I never planned on hurting her, hell I would have killed anyone that did.

  Everyone was talking about the night at Dave’s trying to piece together what really had happened. Once we figured out that nothing ever did go on between Shawn and Heather, the tables got turned on to me, especially after the guys were hounding me about not being there. Slowly I saw the wheels churning and then out of Dave’s big fucking mouth came, “Shelly! You lucky bastard, one smile from you tonight and you nail her. You suck!” Alright I know, it wasn't Dave's fault. I made the choice to sleep with her. But that's the thing, I didn't know until after everything happened that I was making a mistake.

  All of you know Sadie's story already so you’re sitting back thinking, asshole. At the time, I had known her for maybe two months. She told me she was okay with it all, that it was what she wanted too. She never told me what she told you. How was I to know that it was going to bother her? But that night I saw her face and it became very clear that our arrangement wasn’t working and something was going to need to change. I just still wasn’t sure I wanted it to be me.

  Chapter 5

  With Shawn out of commission, work was a bitch. I loved my job but it seemed to never end being that I was carrying all the weight. So when Sadie called me from the hospital while visiting Shawn, bored or not, I jumped at the chance to have a night off and spend it with her. Why did I one minute say I needed space and the next say I couldn’t wait to see her? Your guess is as good as mine. She was becoming more and more perfect for me. I was losing what fight I had left, trying to hold on to a stupid idea, that eventually cost me everything I had with her.

  I picked a bar/ restaurant that had fantastic food. I found a table and ordered a beer, while I waited for her. When she walked in, I about fell out of my chair. She was what made men turn into walking hard-ons. Every dude in the place needed to wipe their mouth at the mere site of her. My chest puffed like an idiot, knowing she would be mine for the night and every one of these guys were jealous. She was so mad at me for letting her walk around for so long but I couldn’t help but take all of her in. Then I was cracking up with how cute she was worrying about getting carded and caught for drinking under age. Sadie had a mature face and body most girls dreamed they had. Hell, I thought she was at least twenty three the first time I saw her, so she had nothing to worry about. Eventually she relaxed and we were able to eat and laugh. She joked about me being an old man again and that I wasn’t enough to satisfy her, which only led to my need to prove just how well I could. Even with all the teasing back and forth what we had was natural. There was just something between us that I couldn’t let go or walk away from.

  That night changed so much. She went from being a girl to being possibly the girl. When we got back to my place, I wanted to prove to her and myself that we could do normal. I held her hand as we walked into the house, then we sat back on the couch and watched T.V. She eventually fell asleep in my lap and I carried her to bed. I know she thought I was going to follow through with all the threats I was making at the bar, but God, normal felt even better with her in it and changing my mind wasn’t felling so scary anymore.

  The next morning as I was making breakfast all I could think about was having her to myself and what it would feel like. I kept slipping little hints her way to feel her out, but that wasn’t going so well. When she asked me how I slept and I answered by saying, “With you, there is no better way to sleep” then I told her I was making omelets. She skipped right over what I said like she didn’t even hear me. Who would have ever thought someone could get that excited over breakfast. ”When’s my food going to be ready? Smelling all this is making me so hungry.”

  “Always so impatient, the greatest things in life come to those who wait. Ever heard that one? It was like she wasn’t hearing what I was getting at.

  “Then I will be waiting forever.”

  “You never know. Something pretty great is right in front of you. You just have to open your eyes.”

  After I made the food and we sat down to eat, I couldn’t stop staring at her. She asked me, “Are you not hungry?”

  “No, I am. It’s just nice to sit and have breakfast with you after having you all night. It feels good. Does that make sense?”

  I started to really get excited thinking that we were both maybe wanting the same thing.

  “I understand completely. And if you keep making me breakfast after every time I sleep over, I might never leave.”

  I didn’t hesitate for one second. ”Sounds like a plan” came out easily.

  “What?” that one threw me. I was losing confidence in my decision fast.

  “Oh, you know I was just kidding with you. Neither of us would want that now would we?”

  She didn’t even pause to think about it.

  "That would be a big Hell No!" and then something about buying her own tooth brush. We started to clean up when I looked at her and couldn’t help but tell her how good she looked in my kitchen and how I could get used to it, she said nothing, again.

  The confusion was officially gone. She didn't want anything more than what we had. So I laughed it off and tried to play it cool, even though it hurt a little, which is probably why when she said something about all the other girls, I snapped. Sadie made it perfectly clear what she wanted. So I needed to make it just as clear .If she wanted to keep an open relationship going, I was perfectly fine with that. I knew I was more confused now than ever but she needed to hear me out. “Does it bothe
r you that we seem to be getting close? If I’m confusing you I’m sorry.” All of this sucked so bad to talk about but I hated saying this last part the most. “I don’t want to know what is happening when I’m not with you either, understand?

  I had been helping her get dressed at this point, when she leaned down and I was positive she was going to kiss me. Instead she said, “Understood.”

  That one word fucked with my head. I'm glad Sadie understood something because I didn't get a damn thing happening between us at that point.

  And then came her birthday, what a night. Somehow we looped around back to good, really good. Having her party at my bar scared the shit out of me, I'm not going to lie. Prior to this, I could keep it all separate. This was the beginning of a shit storm and I didn't know how to deal with it. I met her parents and some of her friends, but I couldn't bring myself to pretend to be the boyfriend for the night. She had made it clear where we stood. I just didn't know how to keep getting what I thought I still wanted from life and separating it from what I wanted with her.

  Sadie had a blast, which in the end was all that mattered. I only got to peek in on her whereabouts every now and then, seeing as I had job to do. I wanted to spend all night making her smile but that didn't happen either. What I did manage to do when we got back to my place was fall into the hole deeper. I couldn't help it, she was starting to own pieces of my heart and I really didn’t know what to do. This time I tried to talk to her about it all. I explained how I was falling hard and how scared I was. I wanted so desperately to control it because I knew she was my future, it was just the future we still weren’t ready for. I battled against my feelings for her but I was never meant to win. When she turned to me and said that she wanted me anyway she could have me, I knew then we could never have the perfect scenario we had created in the beginning. It was a lie we agreed to. We were going to hurt each other if we weren’t careful.

  I just couldn't stop the train that would eventually crash, especially after she opened up about that son of a bitch James. That mother fucker better not ever cross my path because I will kill him with no regret. Once again I got to see what was inside of her, what made her weak. Holding her while she cried ripped my heart out. I did all that I could to make her understand that she was going to get past it all someday. I finally got her to settle down but I knew that wasn’t the end of James messing with her head.

  If anything positive can come out of what we had, I wanted so badly for it to be her confidence growing. We all make mistakes. She just needed to learn to not beat herself up over them. Seeing her vulnerable and knowing she trusted me like she did, I was falling even harder. Harder than I ever felt I had in my life.

  I know all of you are saying, "If you really felt all of this, why were you being such a chicken shit? Saying and doing are two different things."

  And I would say I have to agree with you. There was just something in the back of my mind saying, "not yet." So let’s just keep going and maybe I can make more sense of it all.

  Chapter 6

  Everything had been great. Life was good and Sadie made it better. She was still giving me mixed signals as to what she wanted but I was getting closer to wanting to ditch the whole idea of not committing. Something about her made me want to be the man I could see reflecting back at me from her eyes. I even did the most unprecedented thing ever at my bar. I told every employee she was off limits. They were told to give her whatever she wanted and to treat her like royalty. I caught a lot of shit from the girls who worked for me but I didn't care. Sadie was quickly becoming more important than I ever thought she could be to me.

  That was about the time when it all went to shit. You already know she caught me. I read it myself. I just didn't know at the time that she saw anything and it wasn't how she made it sound. Well, maybe it was a little.

  Everyone had met up at Shawn’s to welcome him home from the hospital. Sadie decided that it was a good idea to bring up the bar when Shawn questioned her about how things were going to be, but she refused. I had to go to work, so I left laughing at the two of them going back and forth about what was acceptable. After I left Shawn's house and came up to work, I noticed that Shelly and her friends were there again. I went into my office and did some paperwork trying to avoid her. Eventually I had to go out on the floor and check on some things and that's when she cornered me again. I fucked up, I know. But when she came at me, my lower body didn't like what my head was telling it not to do. I had to repeat in my head that Sadie didn’t want more. I couldn't hold out for long and that's apparently when she saw me.

  Remember now that at the time, I had no idea she walked in on that. The next thing I knew, I was watching her make out with some mother fucker on the dance floor. Then he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. She was laughing so genuinely which is what I think dug the knife even deeper. I have never wanted to beat the shit out of someone more in my life. As wrong as it was for me to feel this way, it also hurt horribly. I know that I asked for this but until that moment, I never understood truly what it was that I had asked for, and I regretted the words ever having left my mouth. My choices were slim. I could confront her, punch him or I could walk. So I did the latter and walked away from my beautiful girl.

  I changed my mind that night. I refused to sit in my office and pout like a bitch. This was supposed to be the time of my life. The times that makeup the stories you tell your friends about when your tied down with five kids and a wife. So that's what I did. I wasn't rude to her but I definitely created space .I told myself that I did nothing wrong. She obviously was doing the same thing. I went back to just enjoying life and not worrying about Sadie. I had even gone home a couple of times to see Maddie and I made sure that I stayed focused on school. That was easy to do until the winery trip happened.

  Why did she have to look so damn good? She was changing, morphing, I could tell just by the way she carried herself. Maybe being without me was good for her. I couldn't stop staring, but as soon as she would look in my direction, I immediately turned my head so I wouldn't be caught. That day sucked to tell you the truth. I hated seeing her and not being close. If it meant taking only what she was willing to give me, then that's what I was going to do. Some how she had turned the tables and I was ready to do whatever it took to have her back. But first I needed to talk to her.

  I had Dave drop me off at her house praying she wouldn't slam the door in my face. I needed her, therefore I needed her forgiveness. I apologized for reacting the way I did and have never been more nervous for how she was going to respond. When she accepted it so easily I couldn't hold back the urge I felt to press her lips against mine. I missed everything about her so much. You would think that a guy like me would have used that opportunity to get her in bed. But the only thing I wanted, was to hold her in my arms again. So that is exactly what I did. I’m sure you’re wondering why I left without saying goodbye the next morning. I was torn now for another reason, I was falling in love with her.

  Christmas break gave me a lot of time to think about what the hell I wanted to do. Being home was just weird. It was like we were a family again. Don't get me wrong, Jamie and I were in no way hooking up. But for that amount of time, everyday waking up in the same house, it started to make me see things a little clearer. This was what I am. I was a dad. I had responsibilities. Back in Illinois, I had less than two years. Less than two years with her. Are you understanding what I'm saying? What would be the point in getting closer if I was just going to lose her anyway? She didn't give me any reason to believe she wanted more. If anything she made it very clear that she wanted to experience life just as much as I did. I apologized for how I reacted that night but it never did go away. Seeing her with that guy is burned into my brain. Then add that we didn't speak once while I was gone. After the first week went by and I hadn't heard from her I thought, maybe she wanted the space. So I gave it to her.

  I was so excited to get back to school, work and Sadie after the holidays were over. It
crushed me to have to go back to weekends here and there with Maddie but she understood, well as best a kid her age could.

  Everyone was meeting back up at the bar for a coming back party and I couldn't wait to see Sadie. I was talking to Brian when I felt her. No she wasn't touching me, but a chill ran up my body and only she could make me feel that. I looked over as she was walking in. What word haven't I used to describe her yet? She looked phenomenal. As I was taking her in, I noticed she was doing the same. It had been way too long. My whole face contorted to this awkward smile that made my cheeks cramp. Yeah, I was becoming that guy.

  Being back to work felt good and everybody was having a great time. Watching her only made my heart feel more, which was so scary. I was planning on asking her that night where she wanted this thing between us to go. Well that was the plan until I saw her and Heather dancing provocatively with every douche bag in the place. My jealousy was spinning out of control. How could I be so stupid as to think she would want more? Right in that moment, I saw a girl who loved her freedom and an asshole I was going to kill. He had his hands all fucking over her. I couldn't control my anger if I tried. Especially when I got closer and noticed she was trying to get the punk off of her. My fist flew before it even registered in my brain. One second I was on my way over there and the next I was standing over the guy. In that moment I knew I screwed up. She was going to be so mad. I looked over at her and just lost it.