Affliction (Finding Solace)

by Speak, Barbara

  I had known this would happen. There was no way I could really prepare myself for how I would feel watching her with other guys. I wanted her to be mine and to see that wasn't going to happen hurt so bad that I got angry and lashed out at the one person I was falling for.

  I know, I know. There is no excuse for saying her and Heather were acting like sluts. And I did apologize profusely. But come on people. They were grinding all over men that were not in any way attractive. Yes it was for fun but it was also mean. That guy might have gotten too handsy, but those girls were sending out the wrong signal if they thought men wouldn't get the idea that they were getting lucky that night.

  You all have your opinions and I respect that, so I won't keep trying to get you to see it my way. In fact, I went into total panic after the words came out of my mouth. I didn't know how to take them back fast enough. And then to think Mike had to stand up for her toward me, me! He felt she needed to be protected from me! What a fucked up night!

  Everything after that awful night was over happened to be going really good. I spent as much time with her as I could. School and work kept me pretty busy but Sadie was turning into so much more than I ever expected. I still didn't know where we stood and was leery to push too hard. If anything, my biggest fear was to ask her for more and then fuck it all up because I still wasn’t sure if I needed something else from this experience. I could tell she was starting to fall a little more for me. I also knew she needed her freedom. What a cluster fuck situation.

  Chapter 7

  Now it's time to talk about the Chicago trip, oh boy. This is going to suck. So much happened that weekend for me.

  I'm sure the first thing you thought was strange was the room situation. Yep, that was my call. As confusing as Sadie and my situation was, I didn't want to have to try to answer questions about us to everyone else. So having the girls share a room, I thought would solve everything. Wrong!

  After we got back from getting a few drinks, we immediately separated into couples, so much for that idea. I had gone out on the terrace of the hotel room to smoke a couple one hits, but when I came back in, she was already asleep. I thought automatically something was wrong, I just didn't know what it could be. I went and brushed my teeth and got in bed. Instantly I reached for her, she was like a security blanket I could hold onto. Well normally I could, but this time she pushed me away. I laid there wondering what to do when I decided, to hell with it and grabbed her again. That time she shoved me hard. There is nothing like being in trouble and having no idea what you did.

  The next morning came and I was ready to start anew. I rolled over and whispered in her ear "Good morning my beautiful" and then the shit hit the fan. She was seriously pissed off. I asked her every way I could think of, she wouldn't budge. She spouted out that she had personal issues or something like that. I didn't know up from down at that point, she had me so confused. I saw my chance though, so I took it. I asked her how the non -complicated relationship we were having seemed to be getting more complicated. If that isn't an opener I don't know what is. I hoped so badly that she would say that she was changing her mind. That maybe we needed to reestablish what we were doing. But when she said she didn't have the answer, I knew what she was saying was, she didn't have the answer that I wanted to hear. I had to be okay with that. Everything that I hoped to get out of these couple years are her couple of years too. So I thought maybe I needed to just drop the whole idea and go back to having fun with her. And hell yeah we had a lot of fun for the next few hours. That is what spawned the next drama session. Are you tired of those yet? Sorry, I got a lot more to tell you. Hang in there.

  Okay, so yes Sadie and I had amazing sex. AMAZING! And maybe I did tend to do everything in my power to make her scream, guilty. So when Heather came into the room later and embarrassed Sadie for being so loud, I thought I could save her by putting it on me. Cocky men always get put back in there place. But it so didn't go the way I planned in my head. I thought Heather might snap at me but Sadie ripped my head off. She started screaming at me about all the other girls I have been with and then something about the bathroom at the bar. And then the fact she has been talking to them. What the fuck? This was crazy. How did we get here? All it did was make me realize we weren't ready to commit. I had accepted everything about her, past included. She just screamed at me about what? The fact I had been with other people. Since when am I doing something wrong? We never decided to go against our agreement in the first place.

  She came back in the room explaining how she feels cheap by the way I hid what we had. I know what you are thinking but I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want all the guys talking about her the way they did about the other girls. I wanted them to respect her. This was all getting too fucked up for me to handle. I didn't know how to balance us like she was asking. I knew in or out and I had to be honest with her that I wasn't ready to go all in yet. I needed to be confident she was with me and I knew she wasn’t. But there was also no way in hell I was ready to lose her either. Sadie made it all seem okay again when she told me that she wanted to see other people and do our own thing when we were apart but when we were together, it was just us. I know that I at times seemed like a selfish prick. You would agree. But where in her story did you hear her tell me what she told you? Didn't think so.

  So you all know that I slept with Geoff's girlfriend. What you don't know is that I had no idea that she was anybody's anything when it happened. I completely felt bad for the guy, for a while. Then it just got old. And there was no way in hell he was going to bring Sadie into this. It wasn't an eye for an eye kind of thing. I didn't go after his girl, she came to me. He was pursuing Sadie only to piss me off. I let it go until the hotel room thing happened. He needed to learn to shut his mouth about her. Sadie would never be considered a flaw to anyone, especially me. I know, I should have just told her from the beginning that Geoff was doing all of it because of me. I didn't avoid the subject, it truly never crossed my mind until we were sitting at the fight and she kept saying it was because of her. I never wanted Sadie to feel blame. How many ways can you tell someone something though before you snap? And yes, I'm not perfect by any means, I snapped at her. So when she came back from the bathroom with Shawn, I made sure to grab her hand so I could hold on to it. It was my way at the moment for an apology. It seemed to work, so we went on watching what turned out to be the coolest fight I have ever seen.

  After Mike kicked Reynold’s ass, we all headed out for a drink. Everyone was having fun and we were all about to do a shot, when I noticed Sadie had been gone awhile. You already know about the girls but I swear, when Sadie was around I never wanted anything else. Then as Bryan was talking to me, I heard the most beautiful voice start singing. The bulk of the time we had been at the bar I tried my best to tune out the karaoke but this was different. The whole room got quiet. Slowly all eyes moved to the back of the bar where there was a mini stage and on it was my beautiful girl. She was amazing. She looked fantastic up there and I found that my legs were moving me closer and closer still to her. As I was able to take her in more clearly though, she looked scared to death. Her knuckles were turning white from the death grip she had on the microphone and her eyes were closed. But the sound, the sound that was coming out of her caused goose bumps to flood my body. She was just simply amazing. She was singing Rihanna's song 'Stay' and I would swear she was singing it right to me, at least it felt that way. I didn't care anymore who was around to see or what they might think, I needed to kiss that woman like I needed my next breath. The whole bar started screaming and hollering at us but I wasn't ready to let her go just yet. She eventually pulled herself from me and walked back to the table full of our friends. I made sure I could still hold on to her a little, even if it was just her hand. The rest of that night I couldn’t stand to let her go. Something about that moment when she said, "I want you to stay" stuck with me. Maybe we could still make things right with us.

  Chapter 8

  Everything was go
ing fantastic for me. Work was still fun as ever, school offered me a spot assistant coaching and I jumped at the chance. Sadie and I were still going strong. We never did talk about a label but it seemed we were moving toward one. That was until the bowling alley night made me question how people were judging her. I was on cloud nine with my life and I thought she was too. When Mike’s brother Tony picked her up and kissed her though, I felt I had no choice but to go outside and grab a hit to calm myself down. I wanted to rip his head from his body. When the fresh air hit me and I took a couple tokes off my one hitter, I managed to calm down. She wasn't mine. If she wanted to see what it was like to date Tony, as much as it would kill me, I needed to let her. I wanted her to experience life too. I just hoped she wouldn't want to.

  When I walked back inside, everyone was looking at me like I did something wrong. What the hell did I do? That caused my eyes to search the room in a panic for Sadie. I didn't find her there. But I did see Heather standing outside of the girl’s bathroom, pointing for a woman to use the men’s. I knew something very bad had happened, I just didn't know what until I heard her side of things. Why anyone that is supposed to be a friend would be so mean is beyond me.

  I walked past Heather and closed the door behind me. I could hear her sniffle and it broke my heart knowing she was crying in there. I begged her to tell me the truth but she wouldn't. I pushed and pushed. I knew they made her feel bad about what was happening between us, I just hoped she trusted what we had was enough to keep going. I even told her to date Tony but you all need to know that in the back of my mind, I wanted her to stay as far away from him as possible. She got so mad at me and told me that I didn’t respect her choices. What a crock of shit. I respected her more than anyone or anything. I just hated seeing her sad. So I asked her what she wanted me to do and I would do it. When she said "take me home" it was done. I really would have done anything for her. She just had to say the word.

  Chapter 9

  Six flags was a blast until Tony started spouting off at the mouth again. She and I had so much fun riding rides and just playing around. We had way more fun once we got back to the room but she already told you all about that. Sometimes I feel I don't get to tell you all the good parts, but why would you want to hear about the same thing twice, more than I’m dragging you through anyway. I have to just say one thing and then I will be on my best behavior. That fucking bikini will always be part of my fantasies! I'm trying very hard to not talk your ear off and still get you to understand.

  Back to Tony. So we were all joking around about Sadie’s vocal ability when he stood up and asked her to go with him so they could talk. I prayed she would tell him to kiss her ass and stay with me, but she got up and went anyway. It pissed me off, badly. Tony seemed to be on a mission to get in her pants and was playing the friend card. She knew what we were and was letting everyone else dictate what they thought she should feel or do. Why tell me that she was in control, if all it took was Tony saying something and then things were all fucked up again? When they came back, everyone was loading up. I couldn't even look at her I was so angry. As we got in the car, I jumped in the front seat. Let them sit together if I mean so little to her. It was all but confirmed when she got in and didn't say a word to me. I was fucked again. I had no idea where to go from there. She made her mind up and I needed to accept that.

  I didn't talk to her for a week. A week! It killed me to not respond to all the calls and texts from her but I needed to clear my head so I went home. Spending time with Maddie always helped put things back into perspective for me. I had a little over a year left at school to have fun and I was hell bent to give it my best, which meant the drama had to stop. If she didn’t want more and I wasn’t sure what I wanted we needed to just go back to having fun.

  I did call eventually and ask her to pick me up from the airport. I had a car, but I hated to pay to park it when we didn't live that far from there. She was so pissed off when I saw her. I know I didn't get back to her but I really did need space to think. I offered her lunch to chill her out and it worked slightly.

  So I know I have avoided the elephant in the room and this is where all of you started to probably say to yourselves "what the hell?" Yes, I had a lot of locks start popping up around my house. A monkey was seriously on my back and it was getting out of control. But we will get to that later.

  I begged her to stay with me but you would too. Once you have Sadie Warren in your arms you never want to let her go. I spent a week telling myself to let her go and it all went out the window once I was with her. When she agreed to spend the night with me, all seemed right with the world again. Well, that was until the next morning after I made her breakfast with week old groceries. To defend myself, I did ask her if I needed to go to the store remember?

  All of you know every single detail about that day. You know more than I even did and I was there. It was hands down the worse sickness I have ever faced in my life. The faded memory of her saying she shit herself still makes me laugh my ass off. In a creepy way, I'm still glad I have that story to share with Sadie though.

  The reason I brought up this day was to address the guy at the door. I was so sick I had forgotten that he was coming over. Having her be anywhere near an exchange is what changed my mind about everything. Just having her in my house bothered me. I didn't want her anywhere near all the drugs I had there but selfishly, I couldn’t not have her there with me either. I really did think stupidly that I could keep them separate. But that night, I decided I was done. And that's when I quit. Pay attention to this detail. This night was in the beginning of the summer.

  Now this one was kind of funny if you ask me. I know you all thought it was mine too but when Sadie confronted me about that crazy ass Liz having my baby I almost fell over. NEVER would I be with that nasty chick.

  Speaking of nasty chicks, you know I am talking about the one that was straddling me when Sadie walked up. Terri was her name and what I was whispering in her ear was that she needed to get off my lap before Sadie came back out. Terri was best friends with another one of my employees who knew all about Sadie. She wanted to create drama and boy did she ever. And for the record I never let that bitch anywhere near my dick, more or less the bathroom of my bar.

  That night was one of the worst between us. I followed her home knowing something was brewing in that head of hers, but not having a clue what to expect. Fun times huh? Not so much.

  When she asked me if we could talk, I just knew shit was going to hit the fan. How was I supposed to advise her on how to deal with my past? I couldn't. She needed to figure out if she even could all on her own. I never would be able to control what other people say or do. And if they were coming after her for some reason, she really did need to decide if she could handle it. I personally couldn’t, and I told her that too. I wanted her to respect herself even more than I needed her with me. But never and I truly mean never, did I think she would ask me to leave. Man, she broke my heart. I was so hurt and yet so very proud of her all at the same time. When I went to leave, I knew I had to kiss her just once if it was going to be the last time, but then she started to cry. Nothing could pull harder at my heart than to see her so sad. I looked into her eyes, knowing she could see the tears in mine but I felt no shame. She needed to know what she meant to me. And then she slammed her mouth back on mine and I was done for. I made love to Sadie for the very first time right before I walked away from her.

  Why would you do such a thing Colt? I know that’s what you were thinking at the time. Well, that would be because I'm not always the selfish prick you think I am. Believe me, I wanted to go running back to her, time and time again, just begging her to reconsider taking me back. But she needed this. I did too. I needed to know she had no doubts when it came to us but I didn’t know what to do with myself without her. I did what was required of me, otherwise I just worked out. I needed a way to convince myself that she was right to do this. She needed this time more than I did. I hated myself for putting her in the
position in the first place. Then in hind sight, I realized it didn’t put her anywhere, she did. She was always in control of what she wanted to do and I needed to control my own life better. Time went by slowly but I found that I had no interest in girls. Shocked? Me too! Really I just needed her but if needing her brought her pain, I was staying as far away as I could.

  And I did, until she showed up at the gym Mike and I were working out at and blew all that work out of the water. Well, she did and she didn't. This time I stayed firm on the fact we were going to do what we wanted to do with no regrets. It was our time to live life. It’s almost as if I convinced myself that I needed to have it. I was such a fool. And after all that time apart, shame on Sadie for excepting it also.

  All that talk about staying friends with benefits was bullshit. Sadie and I, as soon as we were done with the conversation, turned more into a couple than we ever had been. We went out with other couples, we went out on dates, we were just having fun with life in general. In all that time, Sadie had her birthday and Heather and Jason got engaged. Things were really just going great. Well, until around thanksgiving that is.