Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four)

by Blakeley, Rissa

  “I don’t want to talk to you, nor do I want to hear your lame ass excuses, cover-ups, and empty promises.”

  Knowing her better than that, I didn’t believe her for one second. She was just as addicted to me as I was to her.

  “Don’t do this to us,” I hissed.

  In a slow spin, she turned around with a dropped jaw. Oh…shit. Angry Elaina has arrived.

  “Don’t do what?! Be upset, angry, hurt, or fucking pissed off to the highest degree because you can’t control yourself?!” Her voice raised in volume as she forced each word through her perfect lips. “If you think this predicament is my fault by any means, you have another thing coming, asshole.”

  Her blazing stare forced me to look away. I mumbled, “I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “However you meant it…” Her voice broke. Don’t cry, love. Please. I saw it coming and was certain I couldn’t handle seeing her cry and not be able to hold her. “You still drank! You promised me! You broke your promise!”

  “I know.” I stepped closer, but she stepped away. “There wasn’t a good reason. My mind spun out of control. I thought maybe just a few sips to soothe my nerves, but I obviously can’t do that, either. Before I knew it, the bottle was empty.”

  I thought about telling her about my demons, but why bother adding to the weakness she already saw.

  “I don’t give a fuck how it occurred! It is my choice to feel this way, and it is my choice as to whether or not I want you in my or my baby’s life.”

  Panic ripped through my body, quaking me back to my very beginning. Two of my worst fears were starting to come true…losing her and my child.

  An audience started forming. Doors cracked open and people lingered at the end of the hall, watching the messy scene.

  “Elaina, no. No… Don’t. Please. Don’t take the baby away from me. It’s not right,” I whimpered.

  “Isn’t it? Do I want my baby to be around a drunken fool?! No, I don’t! Until you can prove to me that was the absolute last bender and you’re the man you promised to be, I will not be speaking to you, let alone allow you in my child’s life.”

  Fuck me and fuck my life. “How can I prove it if you won’t fucking talk to me?” She turned around and walked away. “Elaina!”

  “Figure it out yourself, asshole!” she yelled as she stormed off.

  “Fuck me!” I yelled. My life was over.

  Yes, it is, my demons cackled.

  No, I wasn’t going to listen to those voices again. I was my own man with my own thoughts, and I had to take control of the situation. I stalked off to the cafeteria.

  Elaina sat in her usual spot and I dropped into the chair right beside her. With zero hesitation, she got up, but I grabbed her arm before she could run. That was a first. Usually, I would let her walk away. Not anymore. It was time to hash this out.

  In disgust, she looked down at my hand. “Let go of me,” she growled, shivering.

  Battle of wills. Challenge accepted. “No,” I growled back.

  The room was silent as others from the community stared at us, but I didn’t care.

  “You have no right to touch me!” Elaina’s voice boomed off the walls.

  “You are my wife!” I yelled back.

  Then she pulled something out of left field. Something completely unexpected.

  She pulled off her wedding rings and slammed them down on the table. My face dropped as I gazed at them settling to a stop. The metallic sound rattled in my ears, the echo going on forever. Next to our breathing, it was the only sound.

  “Not anymore. Now, let go of me!”

  My voice went from angry to melancholy in the snap of a finger. “You don’t mean that.”

  “Maybe I do!”

  “Elaina, no. I won’t accept this.” Her glare was as cold as ice. I had never seen her so angry before. “I love you. I know you feel the same.”

  “I can tell how much you love me, but you also love the bottle. Unfortunately for you, I’m not into the whole threesome thing. Go have fun with your little bottle!”

  I ignored her snarky dig. “I haven’t drank since that night!”

  “Wow. Impressive. It’s been a few weeks. Brav-fucking-o.” In absolute sarcasm, she applauded. “Now, let go of me!”

  Indignantly, I said, “That is my child. You can’t take my baby away from me.”

  She shifted her weight, leaning on a hip. Her brow rose. “Want to try me?”

  Oh, fuck. She really meant it. “Elaina… I beg you.” My eyes swam with tears. “Even if you don’t want us anymore, at least let me help with our baby.” I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. “Don’t take the baby away from me. Please.”

  She stepped back in an effort to break my grip. “You need to figure yourself out before I can even consider us again. Or consider you being a father to my child.”

  “I won’t do it again. I swear to the both of you.”

  “How do I know that?! Because you’ve said it before…a lot!”

  I stepped toward her, motioning at the space between us. “I don’t want this. I want you by my side. To hold you at night. To kiss you. I-”

  Elaina held her hand in front of my weary face. “There are a lot of things I want, but I sure as shit am not getting them!”

  “Let me finish, please…” I took a breath. She crossed her arms over her chest, my hand still wrapped around her bicep. My voice cracked. “I know my choice was wrong and I broke my promise to you, hurting you tremendously. I let you down. I let myself down. Most importantly, I let our baby down.” When I reached for her stomach, she stepped away from my touch, leaving me to drop my hand to my side. “I can’t take back what I did, but I want to fix it.” I picked up her rings and held them in my open palm in front of her. “Please, allow me to try. I’m begging you. I’ll get on my knees in front of this entire community and beg, happily humiliating myself every day for the rest of my life if it means getting you back.”

  “You’ve already done so,” she said with a snarled expression. Then the love of my life turned on her heels and stormed away.

  Once again, I was alone.

  Chapter 7

  Days after the fight in the cafeteria, Elaina meandered through the halls. She had no idea where she was going or what she was doing. The only thing she hoped was that she wouldn’t run into Henry. Finding herself at the gym door, she heard the distinctive clink of weights being stacked. She froze in place, wondering if it was Henry, Gunther…or both.

  “You looking for anyone in particular?”

  Elaina whipped around with her hand over her heart. “Chris. You scared me.”

  “Gunther’s in there…alone.”

  “Thanks,” she murmured. He nodded and walked away. Elaina pushed down the handle and pulled open the door. “Hey.”

  “What’s going on, Elaina?” Gunther murmured as he added weight to the bar. He lay back on the bench and wiped his palms on his shorts, then took hold of the bar.

  They stared at each other for several seconds before Elaina whispered, “I’m so lost.”

  He pulled himself from under the bar, sat up, and patted the spot next to him. “Have a seat, love.” She shuffled over and sat with a sigh. “Now, talk to me.”

  “We had a huge blowout in the cafeteria the other day and I gave him back my rings.”

  “I’ve heard. I’m so sorry it has come to this.”

  “I feel so lost without him. I thought I would be able to work through this on my own and be strong for all three of us, but I’m fucking cracking. I cry every night, every morning, and every moment of my life.” She put her hands over her face and did her best not to shed another tear. “I can’t do this much longer… I can’t.”

  Gunther wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close. “Listen to me. The only way to get him to clean up his act is to push him away. You are doing right by him. He can’t fall back into the same patterns. He needs to buck up, take care of matters, and take care of himself. You’re the on
ly one who can push him this hard and get a result. He would rebel with anyone else.”

  “He’s not doing anything to change. Have you seen him? He’s a wreck.”

  “I see him every day. And yes, he is a bloody wreck, but you have to keep going. Keep strong for all of you. If you want him well, you have no other option right now.”

  “I’m falling apart. I need him… His love… His touch… I need to know he can pull himself out of this hole he dug.”

  “He will figure it out. With enough pushing, he’ll come around and prove to you that he is the man you know he can be.”

  “What if he gives up on himself? On us? On everything?” As the sobs broke free, her emotions went into overdrive. “What if he tries to kill himself again? Oh god, Gunther…”

  He wrapped both arms around Elaina and held her as she collapsed into his chest. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll keep a close eye on him. I won’t allow anything to happen.”

  “You can’t be with him twenty-four/seven. You have the kids.”

  “Between Anne and me, we will keep him above ground. If I have to tie him to me, I will.”

  “I just want him to prove to himself he can handle all of this. I know he can. He has it in him. Once he makes it happen, I will consider us.”

  “Just give him more time. He’ll realize what he has to do to earn you back.”

  “I need him. The baby needs him,” she cried.

  “Trust me, Elaina. I understand that more than anyone. Strength will carry you far and he will be next to you soon. You just have to believe it will happen. Have faith.”

  His words made him think about Quinn. Wiping away a few tears of his own, Gunther held Elaina until she calmed and was able to walk back to her room without her legs giving out.

  Mum gave me a couple vials and I tried to settle in bed, but I knew it would be yet another sleepless night. It had been days since my eyes had closed long enough to consider it sleep and not just a catnap. I was worried out of my bloody mind I had lost them forever.

  “Them” continued to ring in my head.

  Mum was already asleep as I lay on my bed, tossing and turning. I fluffed my only pillow and tugged at the thin blanket. Without a doubt, it was the loneliest I had ever been in my entire life. After all I had been through with Elaina, I never thought this was how it would end up—alone and sharing a room with my mother.

  Pathetic.

  After who knows how long, I finally drifted off to sleep, but the nightmares flooded my brain again.

  Fists hit me. My face contorted in pain. Blood trickled from my wrists and ankles from the taut zip ties cutting in as I struggled in the chair to get away from the vicious blows. When they deployed the taser, I writhed, the zip ties further cutting into my skin. They screamed when I didn’t comply, then triggered the taser again and again until I passed out.

  Henry’s breath was ragged and his cries of pain woke Anne. Worried her son was turning, she jumped up out of her bed, fearing what she would find. One tentative step at a time, she made her way over to him. Curled into a ball on his side, he groaned and shook as if he were cold, but he had sweat rolling off him.

  “Luke… Henry, wake up.” She touched his shoulder, making him thrash. “Henry, come on. Wake up.” He twitched and let out a blood-curdling scream, jumping off the bed. He scrambled backward, crashing into the wall. “Henry, it’s okay. It’s just Mum.”

  Against the wall, I slouched over, my hands on my knees. My chest pumped in and out as I looked up to see someone hovering.

  I blinked a few times to clear my vision. “Mum?” I questioned, hoping it wasn’t a hallucination.

  “Yes, it’s me. Are you okay?” she asked, her hands reaching toward me.

  My body was drenched in sweat, my t-shirt sticking to me. She grabbed a cloth from the shelf and patted the wetness off my face.

  I rasped, “Mum?”

  “I’m right here with you. Talk to me.”

  As the raw emotions surfaced, they drained every ounce of life from me. My legs wobbled as I tried to stand straight. The effort was more than I could handle, so I slid down the wall, taking down whatever posters were hanging there. I pulled my knees into my chest and rested my forehead on them.

  She knelt next to me and ran her hands through my overly long, ridiculous hair. My shoulders shook as the silent cries wrecked me. Her thin arms wrapped around my body, forcing me to lean against her.

  “Shh… It’s all right. Shh… I’m here for you,” she murmured as she rocked me, comforting me as if I were a child.

  The devastation tore through me. My life had shattered and there was nothing left. Not a goddamn thing. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking Elaina was gone forever, and she wasn’t even going to let me hold my baby.

  I was sick and a complete fuck up. I hated myself. I hated everything I had become.

  My mum continued to hold me until I finally pulled away, my face heating from emotion. She wiped at the steady stream of tears running down my cheeks. “Mum…,” I choked out.

  “Talk to me, my son.”

  “I can’t do this without her. I can’t go on knowing she doesn’t want me anymore.”

  “She loves you tremendously.”

  “I can’t… I can’t live like this. I need her… I need them.”

  “I know you’re torn up, but listen to me. She loves you so much, as you do her.” She grabbed my face and made me look at her. “She wants you to help yourself. She wants you to be strong. She wants you to see that you can pick yourself up and stand tall.”

  “I can’t,” I whimpered. “Not without her.”

  “Yes, you can. You are the strongest man I have ever met. Look at what you have been through and what you’ve accomplished.”

  “I’m a drunk!” I spat. “I’m barely alive, hanging by a bloody thread.” I thumbed my chest. “I’m damaged goods.” The tears continued to flow down my face.

  “I understand why you would think that, but with a lot of effort, you have pretty much kicked your habit. Yes, you relapsed. It wasn’t your finest hour, and it was completely stupid. You screwed up in a major way. But you have to show her you can carry yourself proudly, lead this group, and be the man she knows is in here.” She poked her finger at my heart. “The one I know is in here.”

  “She sees me as a drunken fool. She said so herself.”

  “I understand, but just do yourself a favor and press on. That’s what she wants to see. That’s what you need. To pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and hold your head high. You are a strong, powerful man. You just haven’t realized it yet.”

  With her claims of strength I didn’t see, it was time to expose my demons to prove to her how truly weak I was. Then maybe she would understand why I beat myself up so much.

  “Their voices… His voice is always in my head, taunting. I would drink to silence it. Nevertheless, my demons are still there, poking at me… ‘Drink, Liam.’ It’s a constant reminder. No matter what I do, the pain will always be there.”

  Concerned, she stared at me. The seconds ticked by before she said anything. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she wanted to do away with me, as well.

  “Listen to me. You can control this. I have faith you will conquer these inner demons.”

  “And what if I can’t? What if their voices, especially his, never leave me? I can’t stand hearing it, Mum.”

  “They can’t hurt you or anyone you care about anymore. You stopped their reign of terror. The voices in your head… You need to free yourself from them and heal emotionally from it. The physical pain will always be there, but you can free yourself from the emotional torture.” She rested her hand on the side of my head. “Henry, you have to in order to be whole.”

  “What if it’s more than just his voice echoing in my mind? What if I’m-”

  She waved her hand at me. “Stop. One step at a time. We’ll figure something else out if things aren’t helping.”

  “Do you think she will have me agai
n if I worked on myself?”

  “I think so. You’ve let yourself go these past several weeks.” I nodded in agreement. “It’s a new day. The sun is rising. Go get cleaned up, brush your teeth, and I’ll cut your hair and shave that beard down. You have to live for you and for them. No more of this behavior. Get yourself together, son.”

  “I love her so much. And our unborn… God, I never thought I could love something so intangible.” I wiped the tears lingering on my cheeks.

  “I know, and she does you. You’ll be an amazing father.” I nodded. “Now, go take care of yourself.” She stood and took my hand, pulling me up for an embrace. “I love you, my beautiful son.”

  “I love you, too, Mum.”

  With that, I shuffled over to my stack of clothes and picked out something relatively clean. I grabbed my dwindling stash of personal supplies and a towel, then headed out to clean up in the locker room.

  Watching her fragmented son leave the room, Anne hoped the encouragement would be the key to getting Henry back to himself. She had no idea if it was what it would take for Elaina to accept him back, but she had to somehow convince him to get his act together. She couldn’t allow him to wallow for another second for fear he would take his life. Henry was a ticking time bomb.

  The baby would arrive in a few months and would need his or her father. If Henry could prove his worth, it would help heal him, and maybe Elaina would allow him in the baby’s life. It would break Anne’s heart if she cut them out permanently.

  Chapter 8

  Grey had been up all night crying, new teeth breaking through his gums, which meant Gunther was up all night. He had paced the halls of the school for hours, trying to soothe and settle him. As the sun peeked over the horizon, Grey finally tired himself out. Gunther and he lay back down, both falling asleep right away.

  Quietly, Cora readied the kids and had Kate take them down to the cafeteria so they wouldn’t disturb them. Her smile was soft as she gazed at Gunther and Grey cuddled up together. Grey was on his back, arms above his head; Gunther was on his side, his hand on Grey’s belly.