Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four)

by Blakeley, Rissa

  Seeing the love Gunther had for his son made her feel a little emotional. She had never seen a man so involved with the caretaking of a child. He could have chosen to dump him off on her, but he wanted to be involved with Grey’s upbringing as much as possible.

  This, alone, flourished love in her heart for Gunther. He accepted his responsibility, but she had a feeling he would have been the same way if Quinn was still alive. Rubbing her arms, she wished she could cuddle up with them, too. She wanted to lay next to Gunther at night, offer the care he needed…that all men needed.

  Cora walked to the other side of the room and sat at the table. With a sigh, she crossed her legs and thought about a moment between her and Gunther that happened a few days prior.

  “Ugh… I hope we will have real showers again someday,” Cora grumbled, head tipped into the sink, pouring water over her hair. “Maybe I should shave all this off.”

  “Don’t you dare,” Gunther chided. Still bent over, she glanced over her shoulder. He was sitting on the couch, perfectly aligned for a view of her ass, riding out the high from Cora’s blood. “Sorry,” he said bashfully and looked away. “I like your hair.”

  “Thank you,” she murmured in surprise.

  Gunther leaned forward, ready to stand. “Would you like help?”

  “Yeah, I would. That would be wonderful. Thanks.”

  He stood and took the two strides to the sink. After taking the bottle of water from her hand, he meticulously poured it from the nape of her neck to the tips of her long, wavy locks, ensuring every strand was saturated. He then picked up the bottle of shampoo, flipped the cap open, and waved it under his nose, inhaling the soft, intoxicating aroma. His eyelids shut. The tropical scent awakened the rest of his senses. He licked his lips and swallowed, thinking about how sweet each fruit was and how glorious it would be to have the juices running down his throat.

  “Gunther?”

  Startled, he shook his head. “Uhh…yeah. Sorry.”

  After squeezing the liquid into his palm, he set the bottle on the counter and rubbed his hands together. He leaned over Cora, gently massaging her scalp, bringing the shampoo to the very ends. Gunther worked his large fingers through the hair, making her groan in satisfaction.

  “Feel good?” he asked in a murmur.

  “God, yes.”

  “Good.” Gunther leaned his hip into hers. He paused to relish in the warmth of her body next to his. She shifted so her ass brushed against-

  “Gunther?”

  He shook his head again. “Yeah?” He picked up the bottle of water and rinsed Cora’s hair.

  “What are you thinking about? You seem distracted.”

  “Uhh… Just… Well…”

  She reached up and rested her hand on his. “It’s okay, Gunther. This is okay for me.”

  “Right.”

  She wrung out her hair and reached for the towel. Standing straight, she turned so they were facing each other, inches apart. Her eyes moved from the bulge in his jeans to his emeralds, brightened from the donation of her blood. Slowly, she reached up and cupped his bearded jaw. As his lips parted, she swiped her thumb over the bottom.

  His eyes followed the little droplets of water tracking down her chest and into the deep V-neck t-shirt. “I should go and…umm…check on the kids,” Gunther mumbled.

  Cora stepped back. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” He walked to the door. “Thank you for your help.”

  “You’re welcome.” Gunther opened the door and left.

  Cora’s thoughts broke when Grey whimpered. She rose from the chair and padded up to them. As soon as he saw her, he began crying, making Gunther groan.

  “Shhh… It’s okay, little monkey,” she murmured. Gunther opened his eyes and looked around. “Go back to sleep. I’ll take him.”

  “You sure?” he asked as he rubbed his eyes.

  Cora smiled and picked up Grey. “Yeah. Get some rest.”

  Gunther groaned in appreciation and rolled onto his stomach, falling back to sleep.

  Lying on the floor next to Maggie in the library, Eli read a book out loud. From the chair near them, Lauren laughed at all the different voices Eli used. He glanced toward her and smiled.

  “She loves it when you read,” Lauren murmured.

  Mara sat beside her. “Look.” She held up a Dr. Suess book. “Remember this from when we were little.”

  “Mom used to read it to us every night because it was your favorite.”

  Mara passed the book to Eli. “Still is. Maybe you should read it to Maggie.”

  He smiled. “Yeah. I bet she would like it.”

  Chris and Jake blew through the doors. “Bro, I’m telling you. It’s true,” Chris said.

  “How can it be?” Jake asked. “We need Google.”

  “There must be a set of encyclopedias in here.”

  “Do they even make those anymore?” Chris looked at Jake with a lifted brow. “Yeah, probably not,” he muttered, embarrassed.

  They stopped when they came up on Mara, Lauren, Eli, and Maggie. “Hey,” Chris said with his usual smile. “What’s going on?”

  “Eli’s reading us a story,” Mara said with a smile.

  Chris clapped his hands together. “Oh, goody gumdrops!”

  “Hey, I happen to be a master at silly voices. Ask my daughter.”

  Chris and Jake chuckled. “We’ll let you get back to it.” He grabbed Jake’s arm. “Come on. I’m going to prove I’m right.”

  “And I will prove you’re wrong,” Jake muttered.

  They continued their banter as they walked away. Mara leaned toward Lauren and whispered, “What do you think of Chris?”

  “I don’t know. He’s cute and funny, but not my type.” She glanced down at Eli and smiled.

  “Yeah…” Mara stared at Chris, as he and Jake thumbed through a couple books.

  “Laur, let’s get out of here,” Eli said. “I need water, and I’m thinking little Miss Maggie may need a nap.” Lauren glanced at her and she was asleep.

  She stood and picked her up. “That’s what happens when she gets up so early. I’ll take her to our room. Can you grab me a bottle, too?”

  “Sure thing.”

  They walked out of the library, leaving Mara to continue staring at Chris.

  One dogged step after another, I made my way down the hallway, thinking about the conversation with my mother. I let out a long sigh as I approached the door that was once mine and Elaina’s. For the first time in weeks, I kept walking. I didn’t even pause.

  Progress.

  “Morning, Henry.”

  I looked up. “Hey, Lauren,” I mumbled.

  “You all right? You look spent.”

  “Yeah, just tired, I guess. I haven’t been sleeping very well. How’s little Maggie?”

  Lauren’s face lit up, as it always did when she talked about her little lass. I was sad I might never have that experience. I wasn’t sure how I would handle watching my child from a distance. Would Elaina ever tell the baby who his or her father was? I could only hope doing what my mum said would make things work.

  “She’s amazing. Eli has turned out to be such a great dad. I’m sure you’ll be a great father, too, when your baby comes.” When my gaze dropped to the floor, she realized she made a mistake. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “No, it’s fine. I…uhh…” I tugged at the towel draped over my shoulder. “I’m going to clean up in the showers.”

  “Right. Well, I hope you have a nice day.”

  I nodded at Lauren and continued my path, letting out a shaky exhale.

  Before I knew it, I was in the locker room next to the gym, lighting a few candles in the windowless room. Personally, I really didn’t care if it was dark in there or not, but figured it would probably be a good idea just in case someone else came in.

  I passed by the mirror, then stopped and stepped back, staring at what I thought was myself.

  The reflection wasn’t the man I wa
s.

  Deja-motherfucking-vu. I ran my fingers through my hair, then my beard. I liked to look cleaned up and tight, as tight as I could be in a post-apocalyptic world. I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste out of my bag, spending the next several minutes brushing away the distaste of my predicament. After rinsing, I faced the mirror again.

  Nope, still wasn’t me.

  I headed to one of the shower stalls and placed my belongings on the seat. Neatly and orderly, I laid out all of my clothes and personal products. Perfection in front of me. A reflection of what I needed to be.

  I stripped out of my gross clothes. Gazing down at my naked body, I realized there was more work needed. I thought about how Elaina loved to touch me. How she would run her warm hands down my chest, linger around my waist, then grab my hard cock and stroke me into ecstasy. Her touch was magical.

  As I leaned against the cold tile, the realization hit… It had been a long time since I had caressed and kissed her. I licked my lips and thought about touching her swelling body. She was absolutely the sexiest woman alive.

  Her beautiful, sleek black hair… How it would cover her perky breasts when she was naked, standing before me. The way her face would flush, breasts swelling, lower abdomen popping out with the life I helped create… Truly a woman of desire, and my body responded to the thoughts.

  “Shit,” I mumbled. My underused soldier was standing at attention, ready for some action. I sighed and debated for a minute as to whether or not I should pull one out. “Fuck it.”

  I closed my eyes and caressed the silky skin with my palm, groaning, imagining Elaina’s hands on me… Her pouty lip and stunning sky blue eyes gazing up at me through those thick, black lashes… Her tongue slowly licking her lips in contemplation over diving in and sucking me dry…

  My hand moved faster. My breathing quickened and shook every time I exhaled. My mouth was on her, tasting her, licking her until she screamed my name through her pleasure.

  “Fuuuuck…,” I moaned.

  A stroke away from coming, my hips bucked and my seed jetted out, covering my hand as I continued to milk every drop. Shuddering, I gripped myself a few more times before stopping.

  Breathless, I leaned back against the cold tile. I was still as lonely as a man could ever be. It only relieved some of the tension in my body, but didn’t give me the true relief I needed. Elaina in my arms would be the only thing to soothe the prolonged ache through my entire being.

  Pathetic. Such a sorry loser for letting alcohol ruin my life. And since I binged again, it made me feel even worse about it. No matter what I did, I wasn’t sure Elaina would ever see me differently.

  I poured water over my hand and relaxing flesh to rinse away the evidence. My weighted parts finally lay still and quiet. After trickling the water all over my hair and body, I soaped up three times, focusing on my face. The hope was to wash away the sadness, which vividly lived on it. Feeling as clean as soap could get me, I dried off and dressed.

  I gathered my stuff and walked past the mirror. Again, I stopped, but didn’t turn to face the reflection. I was too afraid to look, not wanting to see someone else. I wanted to see myself. Several deep breaths later, I found my bollocks and turned to stare at the reflection.

  No, wasn’t me.

  The only way it would’ve been me was if my wife was right beside me. It was going to take a lot of work to get her back. My mum was absolutely correct about proving my worth. I needed to prove I was still the man Elaina fell in love with, but I had to prove it to myself first in order for her to believe I was truly worthy of being her husband and a father to our child.

  Knowing what I had to do, I nodded at the reflection and left the locker room with a little bounce in my step, ready to take on the challenge.

  I headed down to the wing, first stopping at Gunther and Cora’s door. I could hear Grey fussing and Gunther talking, so I knocked.

  “Hold on!” A minute passed before he opened the door. “Hey, mate.”

  Grey angrily struggled in his arms.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Oh, he’s bent I took a crayon from him. He thought it would be a nice breakfast. Going to have to make sure the other kids stop leaving stuff around.” Gunther chuckled.

  I smirked. It occurred to me I never held a baby before. Even though Grey was older, I wanted to see what it was like. I set my stuff on the floor and held out my hands. “Mind if I…?”

  Gunther looked at me with a curious stare. “No, come on in. It will give me a moment to wash up and change my clothes. The little bugger keeps me on my toes. Now that he’s crawling all around, I can’t turn my back on him for one second.”

  Gunther passed Grey over. It was awkward until I discovered I could make him laugh by making faces. It felt good. Holding a baby was nice; making one happy was even nicer.

  “So what brings you along this early?” Gunther asked as he stripped out of his shirt.

  “Was wondering if I could borrow a razor. My mum said she wanted to trim down my mop.” Grey reached up and tugged on my hair.

  Gunther strode over. “No, you little cheeky monkey! You don’t pull hair.” I laughed as Gunther pried my hair from Grey’s death grip.

  “He’s learning to fight like his father.”

  “Very funny, arsehole.” Gunther walked back to the cabinets and shuffled through them until he found the razor.

  “Where’s the rest of the crew?”

  “Kate took the kids to the cafeteria earlier this morning, and Cora just left for breakfast. I was up all night with this one again. This teething…” He shook his head, then eyed me further. “How’s it going, mate? You’re looking a bit more like yourself this morning.”

  “Ah, well… Shitty, as usual. I did some thinking and decided it was time for me to get back to where I was. I now know what I have to do.”

  He smirked. “Well, that’s great. Really. I’m happy for you.” I nodded and looked down. “Still nothing on her end?”

  Deep breaths. “Nope.”

  “It’s going to take time. Just do what you know.”

  “Right. I’m going to really try.”

  “Good. Just so you know… We’ve talked. She’s miserable without you. She misses you something fierce, but she wants you to step up.”

  Bloody hell… It gives me a bit of hope that “us” is still a possibility.

  Gunther handed me the razor and a pack of batteries, then took Grey back.

  “Yeah, that’s the plan. I was thinking about going for a run in a bit. Care to join me? Nothing crazy, just a jog around the building and tree line.”

  “Sure. Just let me make sure I have someone to watch this little bugger.”

  “Sounds good. Thanks for the razor. I’ll bring it back when we’re done.”

  “No problem.”

  I left and headed back to my mum’s room.

  She smiled as soon as I came through the door. “Well, look at you. You look better already.” I handed her the razor and batteries. “You probably want to take off your shirt so it won’t be loaded with hair.”

  “Yeah.” I pulled it off and sat in a chair.

  She traced her fingers over my tribal wing tattoo, pausing at a few of my ghastly scars. “Beautiful tattoo. I haven’t really gotten an up close look at it yet.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What made you get it?”

  I sighed. “I always tell people it was just something I liked but, in truth, I was supposed to be the ‘angel of death.’ I thought it was fitting. I’ve never told anyone that before. Not even Elaina.”

  “I feel honored you shared it with me.”

  “One of the things they used to drill into our heads was…” I took a deep breath, and she rested her hands on my shoulders, “‘Angel of death without mercy. No forgiveness for inflicting immoral suffering upon the innocent. That is my destiny.’”

  Mum was silent for a few moments, then said, “I’ve heard you say that before. I was in Roger’s office and Drew
brought you down for disobedience. Roger left the office to address the situation. I hunkered down at the door and listened. I heard him make you say those words. He told you-”

  I rubbed my throat, nodding. “With a knife at my throat, he told me I was nothing and my existence only mattered to fulfill the role as the angel of death. That’s why I got this tattoo.”

  More silence. When she changed the subject, I was bloody thankful. “So… How do you want this?” she murmured, running her hands through my mop. “You were blessed with my hair,” she said with a forced laugh.

  I exhaled loudly. “Tight on the sides and back, longer up top.”

  “Got it.”

  She switched the razor on and I watched as lengthy strands trickled down my body and hit the floor.

  After a battery change and about ten minutes, she shut the razor off and brushed the hair from my neck, shoulders, and back. She came around to face me, checking the front of my hair. She glanced down and stared the scarring on my chest. Her hand reached out. “These scars…” She cleared her tightened throat.

  I pushed her palm away, covering the permanent disfigurements with mine. “Taser,” I whispered.

  Understanding, her hand grazed my cheek. Teary-eyed, she said, “I love you. I am so sorry what you’ve gone through and what I’ve done to you.”

  “Not your fault,” I murmured. She shook her head, and I took her hands. “Mum, it’s okay. I’m going to be okay.” I was unsure if it was true, but I needed to believe I would be.

  “I got us into this mess, Luke.”

  “Don’t go there, please. No more. I can’t look back there. Forward only.”

  “Right. I’m sorry.”

  A meek smile lifted her lips as she handed me the razor. I headed into the loo with her on my heels. With precision, I shaved my beard down to the five o’clock shadow Elaina loved. I stared at the man in the mirror, tilting my head back and forth, admiring what I saw.

  Running my fingers over my face, my cheekbones and jawline were the same. Even though there were dark circles and lines hugging my eyes, along with a couple new creases in my forehead and a few strands of gray hair at my temples, the reflection looked a bit like…