Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “Jesus, Quinn,” Lukas groaned, pushing the top of her dress down, bending his head to suck on her already rock-hard nipples.

  “That’s a game I want to play again,” she whispered, burying her fingers in his hair, thrusting her breasts toward him as he sucked harder, his tongue flicking over her skin, his hands sliding up under her dress. And all of a sudden she didn’t care that he hadn’t called her in weeks. She didn’t care that every day there was another rumor about their marriage breaking up, or him sleeping with other women, she didn’t care. She just cared that he was back, that he was finally here, by her side, when she needed him.

  He pulled away, his blue eyes flashing up something that caused Quinn to breathe in deep. “No men, Quinn. That’s what we said.”

  She looked at him, her throat tight, her thighs aching to take him. But there was a hint of something in the air that was a little unsettling, and it made her slightly nervous. “It wasn’t my…”

  His mouth was back on hers before she could get the rest of the sentence out, his fingers winding in her hair, pulling her head back, the kiss rough, burning her lips, but it was turning her on like crazy.

  In one swift movement he’d swung her around so she faced the wall, pushed her dress high up over her hips, yanked her panties down so fast they tore, and Quinn closed her eyes and took another deep breath as he pushed inside her, his fingers intertwining with hers up by her head.

  “I can’t have another man touching you, Quinn. I can’t have that. That kills me.”

  She said nothing. She just kept her eyes closed and let him take whatever frustration it was he was feeling out on her, and when he was done she’d have her say. Because this relationship wasn’t a one-way street. It worked both ways. And she wasn’t having him think he could control her like this. Even if that’s exactly what he did.

  “It kills me,” he whispered, his mouth touching her ear, his fingers tightening around hers as he came hard and fast, pumping his venom and his jealousy into her with an almost shocking force. But the second he was done Quinn bucked back hard against him, pushing him out of her, turning quickly around, pushing him back against the wall.

  “We have to play this fucked up game, Lukas.” Her mouth rested against his as she spoke, her fingers trailing over his rough jaw line. “Otherwise people will start to talk. They’ll start to put two-and-two together and work out that all those rumors about our marriage, they aren’t so far from the truth, are they? And when that happens we risk letting the world in that little bit more, and neither of us really wants that. I’m tired of fighting, Lukas, every single day because you can’t grow up, I’m tired. Of fighting. So don’t you dare stand there and lecture me…”

  He grabbed her wrist, stopping her from touching him, his eyes once more blazing. “I love you, Quinn…”

  She laughed out loud, what else was she supposed to do? “Well, you’ve sure got a real funny way of showing it.”

  He held her gaze, and the coldness in her expression, it verged on terrifying. “I love you. And I’m sorry, for being the idiot I turn into sometimes, I just…”

  “You just what, Lukas? Need a little play time now and again? Hmm? How selfish of me not to understand that.”

  “I get scared, baby.”

  “So, what? You run away? You sleep with airheads and whores and snort shit up your nose, is that how you deal with it? Like a grown-up, huh?”

  “I love you, Quinn.”

  “Words, Lukas. That’s all they are, just words. Because if you really meant them you wouldn’t do what you’re doing, you wouldn’t treat me like this, you wouldn’t do it. So they’re just words.”

  “We can work this out, I promise…”

  “I stopped believing your promises a long time ago.”

  He put a hand to her cheek, his eyes still boring deep into hers. “I’ll change, Quinn. I’ll try, baby, I really will.” His thumb lightly stroked her skin as he gently tilted her head back, kissing her long and slow, and her body responded immediately, molding against his. “Because I love you. And I don’t want to lose you. I can’t, lose you.”

  “You’re such a prick, Lukas.” She reached down to take him in her hand. He was warm, and still damp, and she could feel herself on him, her fingers sliding over him, which made her thighs ache all over again, despite all the fucked up crap that was happening. “Such a fucking prick.”

  His mouth closed in on hers again, but this time she pulled back, although she made no attempt to let go of him.

  “I’m going to call Harry. Get him to deliver Miss Red-Head here within the hour because I am just aching to have her spread my legs and play with me all over again. Her, not you. It’s been a while, and I need to feel that, again.”

  She felt Lukas’s cock harden in her hand, her thumb stroking it slowly and she looked down, smiling as she bit down on her lip. Then she let him go and stepped back, sliding her dress down until it hit the floor and she stepped out of it, leaving her naked, bar her killer heels.

  “Jesus, Quinn, come on…”

  She reached out and grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him toward her, her mouth crashing down onto his with as much force as she could summon up, his tongue invading her within seconds. And as he slammed her back against the wall, Quinn cried out with a mixture of pleasure and pain as he thrust three fingers into her, all at once, no gently easing them in there. But she’d get the gentle treatment later, when Miss Red-Head arrived. She knew how to enter a woman the polite way. Lukas just wanted in, and Quinn wasn’t complaining, because that was exactly where she needed him to be, despite what she’d just said. She was allowing him to take out his totally unwarranted and unjustified jealousy over her arrival at the premiere with Miles – she was allowing him to take it all out on her. She didn’t deserve it, but she wanted it. She needed it. And in return she got to play with someone else, someone Lukas was quite happy for her to play with, because that someone wasn’t a man.

  Quinn smiled, burying her own hands in her hair as Lukas’s finger-fucking picked up speed, his moans long and loud as she clenched her muscles, waiting for the inevitable climax to hit, because once it did, calm would reign once more. For a while. But this roller coaster ride was far from over. Quinn knew it had only just begun. And she’d never been more terrified. More excited. She’d never felt anything before this. She’d never felt anything…

  Ten

  Lukas was checking out the dailies, but he wasn’t really seeing anything. How he was keeping his head together he didn’t know, but he was managing it. Just. Everything was such a mess. The only thing stopping him from going completely crazy was making this movie, but tomorrow was Quinn’s first day on-set, and Aaron’s. Husband and wife were arriving together, and he had no idea how he was going to cope with that. He hadn’t seen her on her own, hadn’t had a chance to talk to her properly for days now. She’d been avoiding him, that much was obvious, but she couldn’t do that for much longer. And it wasn’t fair. He needed to see her, he needed to talk to her. He needed to know, so many things.

  “Working late, huh?”

  Lukas swung around in his seat. “What’re you doing here? You don’t come to the set, I told you that.”

  “Oh, relax, will you? My cousin’s girlfriend’s working one of the catering trucks, I just came to see how she’s doing. It’s her first time waiting on movie stars. She’s more used to serving burgers on Sunset.”

  “You still shouldn’t be here.” He turned back to face the screen, leaning forward, his eyes fixed on the images in front of him. They hadn’t shot all that much as yet. Filming had only begun a few days ago, but what little they did have was already looking good. They were just waiting for the stars of the movie to arrive, then they could really get this thing moving.

  “When’s she due on-set?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “And everything’s all right, is it?”

  He bowed his head for a second, clasping his hands together tightly, his breathing heavy. “
Everything’s fine.”

  “It’s just that, I mean, you don’t see her for nearly ten years. Nothing. Until now. Until this movie… Lukas?”

  “What?” He couldn’t hide the weary sigh, he was tired. Of everything.

  “Did you ask for her to take over? I mean, you were lined up to direct, at that point, so… When Eva Greenwood pulled out, did you specifically ask for Quinn to take her place?”

  He pushed both hands back through his hair and sighed again. He could lie, but he didn’t see the point. She knew the truth. “Yes. I asked if we could put the idea to Quinn. See if she was interested.”

  “Why?”

  He turned his head to look at her, but he didn’t reply. He didn’t need to. She already knew the answer.

  “And if she’d said no?”

  “She wasn’t going to say no.”

  “You know her that well, huh? Why now, Lukas? Nothing, for all that time, and now this?”

  He stood up, digging his hands into his pockets as he walked toward the pretty woman with the platinum-blonde hair who was leaning back against the wall, her arms crossed against herself in a slightly defensive manner. “When Quinn walked out on me, I was in a bad place, you already know that. And it was my fault, that she left. I had nobody to blame but myself, and knowing she wasn’t there… She’d gone, and that’s when it hit me. I was left with no other choice but to forget her. She didn’t want me anymore, so, I let her go. Or, I tried to.” He reached out, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I had no choice. But I couldn’t forget her, you know that, too. You know I couldn’t forget her. You know I don’t want to.”

  “I just kept hoping you’d move on.”

  “I tried. I really did. But then this movie happened…”

  He left the sentence unfinished, and she looked up into his eyes.

  “Seeing her again, after all this time – working with her, directing her, Jesus, Lukas… I mean, considering your past history and all…”

  “I’m not going to lie and say it isn’t going to be a touch…” He smiled and dropped his hand, “awkward. Maybe. But, you know…” He shrugged. “This is a job. And maybe this is what I need, to be this close to her again. To face up to everything I threw away. Maybe this is what I need. Before I can finally move on.”

  “And what about her husband? Isn’t having him around gonna make things even more awkward?”

  “Like I said, this is a job. We’re making a movie. That’s all.”

  “Lukas…”

  He stopped her from asking any more questions by kissing her, slowly, pulling her into his arms. “You shouldn’t be here. Go home.”

  “Which one?”

  “Your home.”

  She ran her fingers lightly down over his chest. “You don’t want any company tonight?”

  “I’m really busy. My head’s too much in this movie right now, you understand that, don’t you?”

  She nodded, but her expression told him she was more than a little hurt. But he really wasn’t in the mood for company. Hers or anyone else’s. And she knew the score. She’d always known the score.

  “Yeah. I understand. Look, Lukas, everything’s OK, isn’t it? Only, I know how much you like your secrets, I mean, I should know. I’m one of them. But if there’s anything wrong…”

  This was a conversation he really didn’t want to get into. “Everything’s fine.” He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m just tired, you know?”

  “Yeah.” She returned his smile, gently touching his cheek with her fingertips. “I know.”

  He pulled her against him, resting his chin on the top of her head as he held her, suddenly needing the kind of comfort she’d been giving him for a long time now. Dawn Jenner. His wife. The secret wife nobody knew about. The woman he’d married in a ceremony so private even the official had had to sign countless papers before he’d been allowed anywhere near the couple. The woman he knew he’d never really loved, but he’d needed her. And she’d been willing to sacrifice everything just to be with him. Unfair? Yeah, he knew it was unfair, it was selfish, because she was all too aware that his feelings for her weren’t simple. Or even reciprocated. He cared about her, but he couldn’t love her. He’d tried, he really had. But he couldn’t love her. She’d always been there for him, right from the days when he and Quinn had still been together. And he hadn’t always wanted the attention Dawn had given him, not in the beginning. The crush she’d had on him had been nothing but an irritation at times, but when it all turned to shit with Quinn; when he realized she was never coming back to him, he’d needed Dawn, needed the distraction she eventually became. And she’d stuck by him all through his time in rehab, but even her unending loyalty couldn’t make him love her. Their relationship, it was anything but simple. Anything but normal. But he needed it. He just didn’t need Dawn.

  “I love you, Lukas.” She pulled back slightly, looking up into his eyes, and he tried to smile again but he wasn’t sure it was coming across as reassuringly as he wanted it to.

  “I know,” he whispered. For six years he’d never been able to tell her the same. Six years, and never once had he told his wife that he loved her, because saying nothing was better than lying to her. But she deserved better than this now. He’d taken enough of her life away from her. She deserved so much better. “Go home, Dawn.”

  She blinked a couple of times before stepping out of his arms, pushing a hand through her hair. “You should get some sleep, Lukas. You look exhausted.”

  He watched her leave, hanging his head as another wave of guilt washed over him. He’d selfishly hoped that being with Dawn would finally rid him of everything he’d once felt for Quinn, but now he knew he’d only been kidding himself. He’d never be rid of Quinn. Quinn would never be rid of him. That was just the way things were. The way things had to be. When he’d asked for people to make it happen – to get her to say yes to taking the role when Eva had stepped down – he’d hoped it was going to be a cathartic experience; that seeing her again after all this time would somehow help him get over everything that had happened, but he knew that wasn’t the case now. It had never been that way. The day Quinn had walked out on him was the day he should have started fighting for her, but he’d been too weak to even try; too stupid to believe she really wasn’t coming back this time. But the day he left rehab clean and sober and a whole new man, that was the day he knew he’d get her back, one day. This time he wasn’t giving up without a fight. And he didn’t care if that fight became public. He didn’t care if it played out in front of the whole fucking world, because this time, he was going to win.

  Eleven

  Quinn stared at her reflection, watching as Jodi, her personal make-up artist and one of her closest friends, brushed powder over her cheeks, working her usual magic, turning Quinn from beautiful to stunning. But as Quinn continued to watch, all she could see was the past racing back to trap her. What was starting to appear in that mirror was the woman she’d once been, that naïve girl who’d let herself be dragged under, and it scared her. Because Lukas being this close again… No. She could handle this. But she was going to have to talk to him, at some point, she knew that now. And that’s what scared her. Even now, over ten years on, the secret she’d kept from him, it was something that still hurt, it always would, hurt, the memory was too painful and still so raw for it to do anything else. And no matter how much of a prick he’d been at the time, he’d deserved to know. She’d made a mistake, she’d shut him out, and she had to rectify that. But she had no idea how she was going to handle telling him something so brutal, something that had happened at a time when she’d still loved him so much she couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t function because of the pain he was putting her through. And she was terrified that too many memories were going to resurface, that she was going to feel way too emotional. She was terrified of the consequences keeping those secrets could now cause.

  “You OK there, Quinn?”

  Jodi’s v
oice dragged her back from those dark thoughts and she smiled at her friend. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just getting used to this crazy situation, that’s all.”

  “You seen much of Lukas since you got here?”

  Quinn shook her head. “I’m shooting my first scene this afternoon, so, I guess I’ll be seeing him then.”

  Jodi placed her hands on the back of Quinn’s chair and looked into the mirror. “Everything’s OK, though. Isn’t it?”

  Quinn smiled, as convincing a smile as she could muster. Jodi was no stranger to her and Lukas’s relationship. She’d been with her throughout that whole messed up marriage and beyond so she knew, at least in part, a lot of what Quinn had been through. But she didn’t know everything. Nobody did. Nobody except Harry. And those who’d helped keep all those darker moments, her deepest secret, firmly under wraps.

  “Everything’s fine.”

  “All right.” Jodi spun Quinn’s chair around and leaned over to do one final make-up check. “There you go, honey. All done.” And with one final brandish of the blusher brush, she stepped back to survey her handiwork. “Looking incredible, as usual.”

  “She always looks incredible.”

  Quinn swung around in her seat and smiled the widest smile as Aaron strode into the trailer, all Californian tan and gorgeous grin. Her wonderful, beautiful husband. Jesus, what the hell was she thinking? Lukas couldn’t hold a candle to this man. And she was so utterly grateful that they were working together, that he was going to be by her side throughout all of this, keeping her strong. She needed Aaron Rogers. She didn’t need Lukas Drake. That’s what she had to keep telling herself.

  “I’ve brought you coffee,” he said, leaning over to quickly kiss her.