Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “Hey! Mind the make-up, mister.” Jodi grinned as she gathered her kit together.

  Aaron turned his smile on her, knowing he could get away with anything as far as Quinn’s close-knit team were concerned. They’d been with her for years, they were her friends. Her family, almost. And his. “I’ll behave. Promise.”

  Jodi narrowed her eyes, still smiling as she tucked her cell phone into her pocket. “I’ll be back in a little while for touch-ups. Got a feeling you’re gonna need some of those, missy.” She threw Quinn a knowing smirk, and Quinn rolled her eyes. She loved Jodi. “Good to have you around this time, Aaron.”

  “Yeah. I’m a lucky man, getting to work alongside my fantastically talented wife again.”

  “Such a smooth talker, huh, Quinn?” Jodi winked as she backed away toward the door. “I’m giving you guys half an hour, OK?”

  Aaron waited until the trailer door had closed behind Jodi before he pulled Quinn up out of her seat, planting a longer, deeper kiss on her pale-pink lips.

  “Jodi is going to kill you,” Quinn murmured, making no attempt to stop him. She needed this. She needed him.

  He laughed, his mouth still resting against hers, and that sent a glorious sensation running right up Quinn’s spine, one that made her physically shiver. “It’s worth the risk, believe me.”

  Resting her forehead against his, she wrapped her arms loosely around his neck, smiling slightly. “I’m glad you’re here, Aaron. I’m glad we’re working together.”

  He smiled too, his thumb gently stroking her cheek. “It’s gonna be OK, Quinn. I promise you that.”

  Because he wasn’t going to let anything come between them. Not now. Not after all these years. Not when their marriage had been nothing but strong and beautiful and real. Whatever feelings she might still have for Lukas Drake, Aaron was going to make sure they were erased; forgotten. They’d rise above the rumors and the speculation that was already rife within this crazy celebrity world they lived in. They’d get through this, and she’d still be his when it was all over. He loved her too much to lose her to a man who’d never deserved her in the first place.

  “Aaron, I need you to know… I need you to know that I love you, OK? Whatever you might think – whatever I might have said about the way things are with me and Lukas… I love you, so much.”

  He smiled again as he slowly untied the robe she was wearing. Good. He’d got to her before wardrobe. “Let’s not talk about that now, baby.” All they’d seemed to talk about lately was this – what she might still feel for Lukas; their complicated relationship. And he was tired of it now. He knew that what she’d told him, it still wasn’t the entire truth, he only had to look at her to know that. But he was also ceasing to care. It was the past. And he was quite willing to let it stay there. As long as, once this shoot was over, that past didn’t stray into their future. But if the game changed, he was ready to play it.

  “Aaron…” She groaned quietly as he pushed the robe back off her shoulders, revealing nothing but tiny black panties, her nipples already hard and ready for the attention he was about to pay them. “We don’t have time for this. I’ve got to…”

  “The only thing you’ve got to be now, Quinn, is wet.”

  She laughed, a low, throaty laugh that caused his cock to harden to the point of painful. So freeing it was the only option left to him. “First day on-set and we’re going to get into so much trouble.”

  “Trouble’s good.” He threw her that almost famous grin of his as he lifted her up and sat her down on the counter, sliding her panties off and pushing her legs apart. “I feel like causing some trouble.” He dropped his hand and touched her gently, feeding off her moans, letting her quiet sighs convince him that everything really was going to be OK.

  She opened her legs wider as he entered her slowly, pushing her head back a touch, leaning in to let his lips brush the base of her throat, his fingers digging into her thighs as he thrust into her. And she pushed against him, moaning a little louder as he bent his head and sucked on her nipples, Jesus! He fucking loved this woman!

  Grabbing her legs he wrapped them around his hips, thrusting deeper into her, but slowing the rhythm because he could already feel himself about to come, and he needed to pull back from that. He needed a bit more time. He needed to be inside his wife for a little while longer, before she went out there and let someone else pretend to do the same. He needed to forget that Lukas Drake had ever been this close to Quinn. And knowing what had happened between her and her ex-husband; knowing what they’d done, on-screen, what they’d once meant to each other – he needed to know that she was his. Completely his. He needed to claim her, and he didn’t care how prehistoric that sounded, it was the way he felt. He wasn’t losing Quinn. Lukas Drake had fucked her life up once, and Aaron still didn’t know the full extent of the damage he’d caused, he was sure of that. He also wasn’t sure that he wanted to know. Lukas Drake had fucked her life up, once. He wasn’t going to get a chance to do that a second time. And as her cries of pleasure merged with his, and he felt her muscles grip his cock tight, ending any chance he had left of holding back any longer, he let himself come hard and fast, spilling out into her, ridding himself of the frustration he still felt; the pent-up anger and fear he wanted to be free of. He was letting that loose, for a few incredible, heart-stopping seconds, the angle she’d shifted her body into meaning he sank deeper into her, so he thrust harder, pushed faster.

  Aaron Rogers had never lost a fight. He fought hard, to the death, if necessary. Aaron Rogers had secrets, too. And if his own past had to come back to haunt him in order for his future to be the one he wanted, then so be it. So fucking be it.

  Twelve

  “Quinn?”

  Quinn slowly turned around. “Hey.”

  “You’ve been avoiding me.”

  “Well, I can’t do that anymore, can I? Look, Lukas, I only popped out to grab something to eat, before we start this afternoon’s shoot, so…”

  “Quinn… Look, I… I really need to speak to you, before we start shooting.”

  “Why?”

  “I just think we need some time alone…”

  “Oh, believe me, that’s the last thing we need.”

  She dropped her gaze, but he was right. They did need some time alone, to talk, but right now – right now wasn’t that time. She wasn’t ready, she didn’t know if she’d ever be ready. And this really wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t. Would there ever be a right time, to tell him what she needed to tell him? She’d handled this all wrong, and now she really didn’t know how to handle it at all.

  “Where’s Aaron?”

  She looked back up, her eyes meeting his. “Wardrobe. Why? Do you need him…?”

  “No, no I don’t, I… I need to talk to you, alone, I….” He looked into her eyes, and Quinn saw his expression change in an instant, and all of a sudden she felt her stomach dip, a wave of nausea rising up into her throat. “Harry told me, Quinn.”

  She swallowed hard, her eyes never leaving his. “Harry told you what, exactly?”

  “You knew you were pregnant, when you walked out on me?”

  She turned her head away from him, closing her eyes and breathing in deep. Here it was. The truth, coming back to haunt her; her mistakes, coming back to kill her. And Harry, he’d had no right to put her in this position. Why he’d chosen to do this now, to take it upon himself to tell Lukas something so big, something so – something so personal, she was so fucking angry with him, for doing that. But she had no choice now. Harry had pushed her into this, into dealing with this right now at a time so inappropriate, Jesus! She couldn’t believe he’d done this, without talking to her first, she couldn’t believe he’d gone behind her back, forced her into a situation she wasn’t anywhere near prepared for. But Lukas deserved to know. He needed to know. And now she was going to have to tell him, whether she was prepared for it or not.

  “What did you expect me to do, Lukas? You weren’t able to look after your
self let alone a child. And I’m not doing this here.”

  She started to walk away, but he gently took hold of her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere. “Then we’ll do it somewhere more private. But we are doing this.”

  ***

  “You need to eat.”

  Harry laid the tray down on the nightstand and sat down on the bed beside her.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “I don’t care. You’re still gonna eat.”

  Quinn hugged her knees to her chest and looked at Harry. “Do you promise me this really won’t become public knowledge, in any way? Because if this gets out…”

  “Every doctor who was involved, every nurse who was here, they all know the score. And Carter’s on the case, he’s dealing with everything, so you just concentrate on yourself, OK?”

  Carter Conway – otherwise known as one of the best “fixers” in Hollywood with a reputation for covering up the, for want of a better word, “misdemeanors” of the rich and famous. And now Harry had hired him to make sure Quinn’s secret stayed very much that – a secret. The birth of her son. The death of her son. Noah James Drake had died in her womb at twenty-two weeks. No explanation. No reason why. No cut and dried cause. He’d just gone. Quinn had woken in the early hours, a few weeks ago, wracked with sudden, cramp-like pains and the terrifying realization that something wasn’t right. It wasn’t. She’d gone into labor way too early, and from that moment on everything had become a blur as doctors and midwives had surrounded her, and she was forced to give birth to a baby she’d never have the chance to see grow up. A baby she’d kept secret from Lukas, even though she’d known she was pregnant the day she’d walked out on him. And now, all she had to remind her that their son had ever existed were his ashes contained in a small, heart-shaped box that Quinn kept on the shelf amongst all the toys he’d never get to play with; two tiny foot and handprints, and a few photographs that she kept hidden away because the last thing she wanted was anyone finding out about this. Noah was her secret, she didn’t want his memory splattered all over the media. People pitied her enough, after the breakdown of her marriage. She didn’t need any more from them. She just wanted to get on with her life now; move forward. She’d already lost her parents, and now she’d lost her own child, too. She needed to start again, all over again, because the past was too painful to cling on to.

  “I want to get back to work, Harry.”

  “It’s too soon, Quinn.”

  “I can’t just sit here and dwell on everything that’s happened, it’s too much. I need to get back out there. People are already beginning to wonder where I am, why I’ve been out of circulation for so long…”

  “Most people just assume you need some time to get your head straight, after Lukas. Nobody has even the vaguest idea that you were pregnant. But I don’t think you’re ready yet, Quinn. To get back out there.”

  “Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?”

  “You’re still grieving.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Quinn…”

  “It’s been a month now, Harry. And I’m fine.”

  He reached out and took her hand, running his thumb lightly over her knuckles. “If you want to let him know, about Noah…”

  “He’s in rehab now. I’m not sure this news would help him any.”

  “He has a right to know, Quinn. Noah was his son, too.”

  She pulled her hand away and got up off the bed, crossing her arms against herself as she walked over to the window, staring out at the view of the ocean and the mountains and the beautiful, blue Californian sky. Everything she loved. And yet, she’d never felt so empty. “I don’t want him to know, Harry. OK? There was nothing he could have done, he was in no fit state, at the time. And it’s over now.” She turned around and the expression on her face – so cold and devoid of any emotion – made Harry’s blood feel like ice running through his veins. “I think we all just need to move on. He’s getting better, from what I’ve heard, and I need to get back to work. Show the world Lukas Drake hasn’t destroyed me completely.”

  “Quinn, please…”

  “I’ve made up my mind, Harry. So, please, just do this for me, OK? I need to get back to work.”

  “All right,” he sighed, walking over to her, one hand in his pocket, the other raking back through his hair. “All right. I’ll put the word out, let everyone know Quinn Baxter’s back.”

  She smiled, and for the first time in a long time Harry saw a glimmer of hope in her expression. After she’d walked out on Lukas he’d taken her in, moved her into his Pacific Palisades home, and he’d looked after her. He’d held her as she’d cried, night after night, for a man she was way too good for. He’d slept next to her after Noah had been born, and listened to her breaking her heart until he could barely take it. And all the time he’d wondered if he could have done more to save her. Because she needed saving. Quinn Baxter was fragile and broken, thanks to Lukas Drake, and she needed saving. He just didn’t know if he was the person to do that.

  “Thanks, Harry.”

  He pulled her in for a hug, holding her close as he kissed the top of her head. “Yeah, well, just so you know, I don’t agree with this.”

  She pulled back and looked at him, but she was still smiling. And she hadn’t smiled all that much since her marriage had broken down. Since her baby had died. But she looked so much more beautiful when she smiled. “I need this, Harry.”

  “Yeah.” He sighed again, watching as she headed back over to the bed and sat down, reaching for the sandwich he’d left on the nightstand. Progress. And that was all he’d wanted to see, some indication that she was getting over all the crap that had happened. “Yeah, maybe you’re right… Quinn?”

  She looked up at him.

  “You and Lukas…”

  “We’re over, Harry. Believe me, we’re over. And I’m never going back there again.”

  ***

  “I can’t believe you kept that from me…” Lukas was agitated, frustrated; he was angry. He’d deserved to know, that he’d had a son. He’d deserved to know, and she should’ve told him. “Something so… so big, something so fucking huge, and you didn’t tell me!”

  “I’m sorry, that you had to find out like this…”

  “You were never going to tell me, were you?”

  “I thought it was for the best, at the time. I didn’t want you back in my life, for any reason…”

  “Do you know how selfish that sounds?”

  She laughed out loud, because Lukas Drake throwing the word selfish around, Christ, that was rich! “You don’t get to call me selfish, OK?”

  “He was my son, too.”

  Their eyes locked, and Quinn felt hot tears suddenly spring up behind hers, and she hated that this was happening. She hated that Harry had told Lukas all of this without her knowing. She hated that Lukas was here, that he was making her relive something that was still so painful. She hated that this had to happen at all. But more than anything, she hated herself, for the way she’d dealt with everything.

  “Jesus, Quinn…”

  She turned away from him, quickly wiping her eyes with her forearm. She couldn’t speak, her throat had tightened to the point where she felt like she couldn’t breathe, and she’d felt like this before – panic attacks that had hit when she’d missed him so much, not knowing where he was but knowing he was with someone other than her; when she felt like her whole existence was crumbling around her and she’d had to pick herself up and face a world that already knew the truth, while she was still trying to deny that her marriage was a train wreck.

  “I’m sorry, Lukas.”

  She flinched only slightly as she felt him lay a hand gently on her hip. “We made such a mess of everything,” he whispered, his tone softer now, his breath warm on the back of her neck and that’s when Quinn pulled away. He was too close, too far up in her space. And she was way too vulnerable right now, for this.

  “I should’ve told you.”

 
“Yeah. You should have. But it was all so fucked up back then, Quinn…” He looked right into her eyes, and she felt her heart break for what they’d almost had. What they could’ve had. And she felt those tears finally start to trickle down her cheeks. “Baby, I am so fucking sorry, for putting us through all that…”

  “Don’t,” she whispered as he moved closer. “Please, Lukas, don’t.”

  “I should’ve been there.”

  “You hadn’t been there for a long time. That’s why I had to leave.”

  “I’m so fucking sorry…”

  She stepped back from him, she had to, because if she let him come any closer she was going to do something she’d never be able to take back but, Jesus, the memories were killing her. “He was so tiny, Luk. He was so, so tiny. But so beautiful.” She couldn’t stop it all from flooding out, all the pain and the heartache, it was too much, going there again, except, this time, Lukas was here. He was with her. He was here.

  “Jesus Christ…”

  She could see the tears in his eyes as he turned his head away slightly, and that only made hers fall even faster, all those years of pent-up emotion finally breaking loose. This should’ve been dealt with a long time ago, and she was so angry with him for putting her in a position where she’d felt she’d had no choice but to keep it all from him. And she was angry at herself for doing just that, because she should have told him. No matter what was going on at the time, she should have told him.

  “I have pictures of him. At home. I keep them hidden away, from Aaron. From everyone…”

  Lukas turned back to face her, and Quinn felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. This man had changed her whole world, and then destroyed it in the most public way possible. And she’d never, ever stopped loving him.

  “Aaron doesn’t know?”

  Quinn shook her head. “No, I… I never wanted anyone else to know, it’s too private. Too painful… Look, I… I can get you one, too. A photograph. I think you… I want you to see him. You should see him.”